Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

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Themes and Colors
Mortality and the Purpose of Life Theme Icon
Puzzles and Cleverness Theme Icon
Trauma and Guilt Theme Icon
Superstition and Ritual Theme Icon
Love and Family Theme Icon
Language and Communication Theme Icon
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Love and Family Theme Icon

Even though guilt and fear often seem like the main emotions in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, all the characters who revolve in and out of Oskar’s life have very strong connections to people they love: love, more than anything else, drives people to do what they do. Death also plays a powerful role in love, since one of the most powerful types of love in the novel is for people who have died. Oskar’s love for his Dad propels him on his quest around New York City. Grandpa loves Anna, his first wife, so deeply that he can no longer speak after she dies.

Oskar’s Dad and Oskar’s Grandma are both very close with Oskar, and Oskar feels as though he can be completely himself around them, rather than having to hide his intelligence or his quirks. Oskar is extremely verbally precocious and asks sharp, often bizarre existential questions, but rather than ignoring these queries or trying to quash Oskar’s quirky curiosity, Dad and Grandma both understand how Oskar functions and speak to him in his language. Dad plays games with Oskar and pushes him intellectually (of course, we only really see their relationship through Oskar’s memory). Grandma takes all of Oskar’s strange habits and mannerisms very seriously, rather than calling him ridiculous, and they develop routines together.

Mom, on the other hand, doesn’t quite have the same rapport with Oskar as Dad and Grandma do. While Mom loves Oskar, she can’t enter into his world in the same way. Mom doesn’t seem to play a very active role throughout most of the book, since she doesn’t accompany Oskar on his quest throughout the city, and she doesn’t seem to be someone in whom Oskar can confide or with whom Oskar has long conversations. However, at the end of the novel, Oskar finds out that his Mom has been behind the scenes of his entire quest. She found out that he was visiting every person named Black in New York, and she called them ahead of time to alert them to her son’s movements.

Love binds people together, but family is an even deeper tie. Grandpa and Grandma also have a relationship that develops, eventually, into a very different kind of love than passion or desire. Although Grandpa left Grandma angrily when she became pregnant, because that broke the terms of their initial relationship, they eventually begin to forgive each other when he returns to her house as a renter. William Black, the Black who owned the key, had a very complicated relationship with his father, but when Oskar presents him with the key, which turns out to be to Black’s father’s safe deposit box, the key unlocks a wellspring of emotion. (Even though the key doesn’t do much literal unlocking, it does a lot of symbolic and emotional unlocking throughout the novel.)

Love and Family ThemeTracker

The ThemeTracker below shows where, and to what degree, the theme of Love and Family appears in each chapter of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Click or tap on any chapter to read its Summary & Analysis.
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Love and Family Quotes in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Below you will find the important quotes in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close related to the theme of Love and Family.
Chapter 1 Quotes

I spent all day walking around the park, looking for something that might tell me something, but the problem was that I didn’t know what I was looking for…But that’s how tricky Dad could be. There was nothing, which would have been unfortunate, unless nothing was a clue. Was nothing a clue?

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dad

“Can’t you even tell me if I’m on the right track?” Buckminster purred, and Dad shrugged his shoulders again. “But if you don’t tell me anything, how can I ever be right?” He circled something in an article and said, “Another way of looking at it would be, how could you ever be wrong?”

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dad

A few weeks after the words day, I started writing lots of letters. I don’t know why, but it was one of the only things that made my boots lighter.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker)

“Well, what I get is why we do exist? I don’t mean how, but why.” I watched the fireflies of his thoughts orbit his head. He said, “We exist because we exist.” “What the?” “We could imagine all sorts of universes like this one, but this is the one that happened.”

There were four more messages from him: one at 9:12, one at 9:31, one at 9:46, and one at 10:04. I listened to them, and listened to them again, and then before I had time to figure out what to do, or even what to think or feel, the phone started ringing.
It was 10:26:47.
I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was him.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dad
Related Symbols: Telephones
Chapter 2 Quotes

I haven’t always been silent, I used to talk and talk and talk and talk, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, the silence overtook me like a cancer.

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker)

I was already out of words when I met your mother, that may have been what made our marriage possible, she never had to know me.

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Grandpa, Dad
Chapter 3 Quotes

“It doesn’t make me feel good when you say that something I do reminds you of Dad.” “Oh. I’m sorry. Do I do that a lot?” “You do it all the time….And Grandma always says that things I do remind her of Grandpa…It also makes me feel unspecial.” “That’s the last thing that either Grandma or I would want. You know you’re the most special thing to us, don’t you?” “I guess so.” “The most.”

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Mom (speaker), Grandpa, Grandma, Dad

And maybe you could rate the people you knew by how much you loved them, so if the device of the person in the ambulance detected the device of the person he loved the most, or the person who loved him the most, and the person in the ambulance was really badly hurt, and might even die, the ambulance could flash GOODBYE! I LOVE YOU! GOODBYE! I LOVE YOU!

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker)
Chapter 4 Quotes

When I was your age, my grandfather bought me a ruby bracelet. It was too big for me and would slide up and down my arm. It was almost a necklace. He later told me that he had asked the jeweler to make it that way. Its size was supposed to be a symbol of their love. More rubies, more love. But I could not wear it comfortably. I could not wear it at all. So here is the point of everything I have been trying to say. If I were to give a bracelet to you, now, I would measure your wrist twice

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker)

Sometimes I think about those hundred letters laid across my bedroom floor. If I hadn’t collected them, would our house have burned less brightly?

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker)
Chapter 5 Quotes

Ever since that day, whenever we go on walks she makes us play a game like Marco Polo, where she calls my name and I have to call back to let her know I’m OK.
“I’m OK.”
“I’m OK.”
I’m never exactly sure when we’re playing the game and when she’s just saying my name, so I always let her know that I’m OK.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker)

So here’s my question: What were we spending so much time doing if not getting to know each other?

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Grandma
Chapter 6 Quotes

We took the blueprint of our apartment from the hallway closet and taped it to the inside of the front door, with an orange and a green marker we separated Something from Nothing. “This is Something,” we decided. “This is Nothing.” “Something.” “Nothing.” “Something.” “Nothing.” “Nothing.” “Nothing.” Everything was forever fixed, there would only be peace and happiness, it wasn’t until last night, our last night together, that the inevitable question finally arose, I told her, “Something,” by covering her face with my hands and then lifting them like a marriage veil. “We must be.” But I knew, in the most protected part of my heart, the truth.

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Grandma (speaker)

I hated myself for going, why couldn’t I be the kind of person who stays?

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker)

Did she always have something to read in front of her so she wouldn’t have to look at anything else? All of the words I’d written to her over all of those years, had I never said anything at all?

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Grandma

I have so much to tell you, the problem isn’t that I’m running out of time, I’m running out of room, this book is filling up, there couldn’t be enough pages, I looked around the apartment this morning for one last time and there was writing everywhere, filling the walls and mirrors, I’d rolled up the rugs so I could write on the floor, I’d written on the walls and around the bottles of wine we were given but never drank, I wear only short sleeves, even when it’s cold, because my arms are books, too. But there’s too much to express. I’m sorry.

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Grandma
Chapter 7 Quotes

But what was weird was that they didn’t know what they had in common, which was kind of like how I didn’t know what the thumbtack, the bent spoon, the square of aluminum foil, and all those other things I dug up in Central Park had to do with each other.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker)

I felt, that night, on that stage, under that skull, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What’s so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What’s so great about feeling and dreaming?

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker)

So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!

Related Characters: Mr. Black (speaker), Oskar Schell

But still, it gave me heavy, heavy boots. Dad wasn’t a Great Man, not like Winston Churchill, whoever he was. Dad was just someone who ran a family jewelry business. Just an ordinary dad. But I wished so much, then, that he had been Great. I wished he’d been famous, famous like a movie star, which is what he deserved. I wished Mr. Black had written about him, and risked his life to tell the world about him, and had reminders of him around his apartment.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dad, Mr. Black

“The world is a big place,” he said, “but so is the inside of an apartment! So’s this!” he said, pointing at his head.

Related Characters: Mr. Black (speaker), Oskar Schell

And then I said something that I wasn’t planning on saying, and didn’t even want to say. As it came out of my mouth, I was ashamed that it was mixed with any of Dad’s cells that I might have inhaled when we went to visit Ground Zero. “If I could have chose, I would have chosen you!”

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Dad, Mom
Chapter 8 Quotes

They are announcing flights over the speakers. We are not listening. They do not matter to us, because we are not going anywhere.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Oskar Schell

He took a picture of every doorknob in the apartment. Every one. As if the world and its future depended on each doorknob. As if we would be thinking about doorknobs should we ever actually need to use the pictures of them.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Grandpa
Related Symbols: Doorknobs

We spent our lives making livings.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Grandpa

I went to the guest room and pretended to write. I hit the space bar again and again and again. My life story was spaces.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker)

He pointed at, Nothing.
I pointed at, Something.
Nobody pointed at, I love you.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Grandpa
Chapter 9 Quotes

I adjusted the string so the keys—one to the apartment, one to I-didn’t-know-what—rested against my heart, which was nice, except the only thing was that it felt too cold sometimes, so I put a Band-Aid on that part of my chest, and the keys rested on that.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker)
Related Symbols: Keys

No matter how I feel, I’m not going to let it out. If I have to cry, I’m gonna cry on the inside. If I have to bleed, I’ll bruise. If my heart starts going crazy, I’m not gonna tell everyone else in the world about it. It doesn’t help anything. It just makes everyone’s life worse.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dr. Fein
Chapter 10 Quotes

I can’t stop thinking about that night, the clusters of red flares, the sky that was like black water, and how only hours before I lost everything, I had everything.

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker)
Chapter 11 Quotes

The boy covered his can with a lid, removed it from the string, and put her love for him on a shelf in his closet. Of course, he never could open the can, because then he would lose its contents. It was enough just to know it was there.

Related Characters: Dad (speaker), Oskar Schell

By the time the park found its current resting place, every single one of the children had fallen asleep, and the park was a mosaic of their dreams.

Related Characters: Dad (speaker), Oskar Schell
Chapter 12 Quotes

One million pieces of paper filled the sky. They stayed there, like a ring around the building. Like the rings of Saturn. The rings of coffee staining my father’s desk. The ring Thomas told me he didn’t need. I told him he wasn’t the only one who needed.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Grandpa

I lowered the volume until it was silent.
The same pictures over and over.
Planes going into buildings.
Bodies falling.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker)

For forty years not a word.
Only empty envelopes.
And then, on the day of my son’s funeral, two words.
I’m sorry.
He had come back.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Grandpa, Dad
Chapter 13 Quotes

I’d never felt more alive or alone.

Related Characters: Ruth Black (speaker), Oskar Schell, Mr. Black

I want to stop inventing. If I could know how he died, exactly how he died, I wouldn’t have to invent him dying…There were so many different ways to die, and I just need to know which was his.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Grandpa, Dad
Chapter 14 Quotes

I was in Dresden’s train station when I lost everything for the second time.

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker)

I looked at one of the other televisions and there was only one building, one hundred ceilings had become one hundred floors, which had become nothing, I was the only one who could believe it, the sky was filled with paper, pink feathers.

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker)

There won’t be enough pages in this book for me to tell you what I need to tell you, I could write smaller, I could slice the pages down their edges to make two pages, I could write over my own writing, but then what?

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Dad

I asked her to tell me about you, she said, “Not our son, my son.”

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Grandma, Dad

I tried to learn about him as he tried to learn about you, he was trying to find you, just as you’d tried to find me, it broke my heart into more pieces than my heart was made of, why can’t people say what they mean at the time?

Related Characters: Grandpa (speaker), Oskar Schell, Dad
Chapter 15 Quotes


Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Mr. Black

My search was a play that Mom had written, and she knew the ending when I was at the beginning.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Mom

He needed me, and I couldn’t pick up. I just couldn’t pick up. I just couldn’t. Are you there? He asked eleven times. I know, because I’ve counted. It’s one more than I can count on my fingers….Sometimes I think he knew I was there. Maybe he kept saying it to give me time to get brave enough to pick it up.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dad, William Black
Related Symbols: Telephones
Chapter 16 Quotes

I think about all of the things I’ve done, Oskar. And all of the things I didn’t do. The mistakes I’ve made are dead to me. But I can’t take back the things I never did.

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Oskar Schell

Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you, Oskar.
It’s always necessary.
I love you,

Related Characters: Grandma (speaker), Oskar Schell
Chapter 17 Quotes

I was surprised again, although again I shouldn’t have been. I was surprised that Dad wasn’t there. In my brain I knew he wouldn’t be, obviously, but I guess my heart believed something else. Or maybe I was surprised by how incredibly empty it was. I felt like I was looking into the dictionary definition of emptiness.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dad

I don’t believe in God, but I believe that things are extremely complicated, and her looking over me was as complicated as anything ever could be. But it was also incredibly simple. In my only life, she was my mom, and I was her son.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Mom

I’d have said “Dad?” backwards, which would have sounded the same as “Dad” forward.
He would have told me the story of the Sixth Borough, from the voice in the can at the end to the beginning, from “I love you” to “Once upon a time…”
We would have been safe.

Related Characters: Oskar Schell (speaker), Dad