FIRST LORD

You haven't given him his mother's letter?

SECOND LORD

I delivered it an hour ago. There is something in it that upsets him. Upon reading it, he almost changed into a different man.

FIRST LORD

He deserves all the blame placed on him for getting rid of such a good wife and sweet lady.

SECOND LORD

Especially since he's earned the everlasting displeasure of the king, who had gone all out in his generosity to, and happiness for, him. I will tell you something, but you can't tell anyone.

FIRST LORD

When you've spoken it, it's dead, and it's buried in me.

SECOND LORD

He has seduced a young gentlewoman here in Florence, who has a very chaste reputation. This night he'll take her chastity. He's given her his ancestral ring, and he think he's definitely going to be successful in going through with it tonight.

FIRST LORD

Now, God protect us from our fleshly desires! Without God's help, what things we turn out to be!

SECOND LORD

Just traitors to ourselves. And, as with most acts of treason, we always see the perpetrators reveal their true natures, until they achieve their horrific goals. In acting against his own proper noble behavior, he'll ruin himself and give himself away by talking about it. 

FIRST LORD

Isn't it supposed to be sinful to go around proclaiming our immoral desires? We won't have his company tonight then?

SECOND LORD

Not till after midnight. He only gets one hour.

FIRST LORD

That's coming soon. I would gladly have him see his companion under interrogation so he could make his own judgements since he's had so much faith in this liar.

SECOND LORD

We won't bother with Parolles till Bertram comes. We'll start working on him when Bertram shows up.

FIRST LORD

In the meantime, what have you heard of these wars?

SECOND LORD

I've heard there's been a start to peace talks.

FIRST LORD

No, I assure you, peace has been made.

SECOND LORD

What will Count Rousillon do then? Will he travel onwards, or go back to France?

FIRST LORD

I gather, by this question, that you're not a close confidant of his.

SECOND LORD

God forbid, sir. If I were, I'd be accountable for his actions.

FIRST LORD

Sir, his wife fled two months ago from his house. She said she was going on a pilgrimage to Saint Jaques le Grand and she completed that holy task with impressive piety. And, while she was there, her grief overcame the tenderness in her nature. In short, her last breath became a groan, and now she sings in heaven.

SECOND LORD

What proof is there?

FIRST LORD

Most of the proof is in her own letters, which shows her story to be true right up to her death. Her death itself, which she couldn't herself have announced, was faithfully confirmed by the rector where she was staying.

SECOND LORD

Does the count have this information?

FIRST LORD

Yes, and the specific confirmations, point by point, so all the evidence showing it to be true.

SECOND LORD

I am very sorry that this news will have made him glad.

FIRST LORD

Sometimes we mightily make comforts out of our losses!

SECOND LORD

And some other times we mightily drown the positives in tears! All the great respect that his bravery has earned him here will be matched by an equal shame at home.

FIRST LORD

The web of our life is like tangled yarn, good and bad together. Our virtues would become too proud if our faults didn't attack them, and our crimes would fall into despair if they weren't embraced by your virtues.

FIRST LORD

What's going on? Where's your master?

SERVANT

He met the duke in the street, sir, and he's said farewell to him. His lordship will leave tomorrow morning for France. The duke has offered him letters of praise addressed to the king.

SECOND LORD

Those will definitely be necessary even if they're full of more praise than he deserves.

FIRST LORD

They can't be sweet enough for the king's displeasure. Here's his lordship now.

FIRST LORD

How's it going, my lord? Isn't it after midnight?

BERTRAM

Tonight I've taken care of sixteen different things, a month's worth of tasks, with total success: I've taken leave of the duke, said goodbye to his nearest and dearest. I've buried a wife and mourned for her. I've written to my mother that I'm returning home. I've entertained my followers. And between these main things I had to get done, I've met many more pleasurable needs. The last was the most significant, but I haven't ended that yet. 

SECOND LORD

If this business is at all difficult, and you're leaving this morning, your lordship had better hurry up.

BERTRAM

I mean, the business is not ended, as in I'm afraid word will get out later. But shall we hear this dialogue between the fool and the soldier? Come, bring for this lying rogue, he has deceived me, like a fortune-teller who speaks in double meanings.

SECOND LORD

Bring him forth. He has sat in the stocks all night, poor foppish rogue.

BERTRAM

No matter: his heels have deserved the discomfort for pretending to be brave for so long. How does he behave himself?

SECOND LORD

I've told your lordship already, he behaves like a coward. But to answer you more specifically, he weeps like a young woman that had spilled her milk. He has given confession to Morgan, who he believes to be a friar, from as far back as he can remember to the very instant he was placed in the stocks. And what do you think he has confessed?

BERTRAM

Nothing of me, has he?

SECOND LORD

His confession is taken, and it will be read to his face. If your lordship is in it, as I believe you are, you must have the patience to listen to it.

BERTRAM

A plague on him! I wish his mouth were covered! He can say nothing about me: hush, hush!

FIRST LORD

The blindfolded man comes! Portotartarosa.

FIRST SOLDIER

He calls for the tortures to begin. What will you say without their help?

PAROLLES

I will confess what I know without constraint. If you pinch me until I'm a pie, I'd have nothing more to add.

FIRST SOLDIER

Bosko chimurcho.

FIRST LORD

Boblibindo chicurmurco.

FIRST SOLDIER

You are a merciful general. Our general commands you answer to what I shall ask you from this piece of paper.

PAROLLES

And I'll answer truly, as truly as I hope to live.

FIRST SOLDIER

[Reading] "First, ask him how many horses are in the duke's army." What do you say to that?

PAROLLES

Five or six thousand, but they're very weak and unready for battle. The troops are all scattered, and the commanders are weak scoundrels. I swear upon my reputation and credit and my life.

FIRST SOLDIER

Should I write that down as your answer?

PAROLLES

Do so. I'll take the sacrament on that, however and whichever way you want me to.

BERTRAM

[So only the Lords can hear] It's all the same to him. This slave is beyond saving!

FIRST LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] You're deceived, my lord. This is Monsieur Parolles, the "gallant militarist"—that was his own phrase—that knew the whole theory of war like the knot in his scarf, and had the strategies of war in the sheath of his dagger.

SECOND LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] I will never trust a man again for keeping his sword clean. Nor will I believe he can be a great man just because he wears his uniform neatly.

FIRST SOLDIER

[To PAROLLES] Well, that's written down.

PAROLLES

Five or six thousand horses, I said—I will tell the truth—or thereabouts. Write it down, for I'll say the truth.

FIRST LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] He is very near the truth in this.

BERTRAM

[So only the Lords can hear] But I'll give him no thanks for it, given the situation in which he delivers it.

PAROLLES

Poor scoundrels, please, say something.

FIRST SOLDIER

Well, that's written down.

PAROLLES

I humbly thank you, sir. A truth is a truth. The rogues are incredibly weak.

FIRST SOLDIER

[Reading] "Demand of him how strong they are on foot." What do you say to that?

PAROLLES

I swear, sir, if I were to die this hour, I would tell the truth. Let me see: Spurio has a hundred and fifty. Sebastian, the same number. Corambus, the same number. Jaques, the same number. Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick, and Gratii, two hundred and fifty each. My own company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred and fifteen each. So the whole army, useless or in good shape, upon my life, comes up not even to fifteen thousand people, half of which wouldn't even dare to shake snow off their boots, they're so afraid they'd shake themselves to pieces.

BERTRAM

[So only the Lords can hear] What shall be done to him?

FIRST LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] Nothing, just thank him.

[To the FIRST SOLDIER] Demand from him what he thinks of my qualities and what the Duke thinks of me.

FIRST SOLDIER

Well, that's written down. 

[Reading] "You shall demand from him whether one Captain Dumain is in the camp, a Frenchman. What his reputation is with the duke, his bravery, honesty, and expertise in wars, and whether the prisoner thinks it would not be possible, with high sums of gold, to corrupt the captain to revolt." What do you say to this? What do you know of it?

PAROLLES

I plead with you, let me answer to each particular question. Ask them one at a time.

FIRST SOLDIER

Do you know this Captian Dumain?

PAROLLES

I know him. He was a tailor's apprentice in Paris and he was whipped out of the city for getting a girl pregnant—an innocent mute girl that could not say no to him. 

BERTRAM

No, hold on, resist fighting him, even though I know you'll smash his brains out at the nearest opportunity. 

FIRST SOLDIER

Well, is this captain in the Duke of Florence's camp?

PAROLLES

As far as I know he is, and he's lousy. 

FIRST LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] Don't look at me like that. We'll hear about your lordship soon enough. 

FIRST SOLDIER

What's his reputation with the Duke?

PAROLLES

The Duke knows him to be a poor officer in my charge. He wrote me the other day to throw him out of the army. I think I have his letter in my pocket. 

FIRST SOLDIER

Okay, we'll search. 

PAROLLES

Sad to say, I'm not sure. Either it is there or maybe it is in a file with the duke's other letters in my tent. 

FIRST SOLDIER

Here it is. Here's a paper. Should I read it to you?

PAROLLES

I don't know if that's it or not. 

BERTRAM

Our interpreter's good at this. 

FIRST LORD

He's excellent. 

FIRST SOLDIER

[Reading] "Diana, the count's a fool, and only very rich,"—

PAROLLES

That's not the duke's letter, sir. That's a message to a very admirable lady in Florence, one Diana, to watch out for the seduction of the Count Rousillon, a foolish, lazy boy but, despite that, also very lecherous. I beg you, sir, put the letter back again.  

FIRST SOLDIER

No, I'll read it first, if you don't mind. 

PAROLLES

My meaning in it, if I can explain, was very honest on behalf of the maid. Because I knew the young count was a dangerous and lustful boy, who is like a whale that feeds on virginity and devours up all the virgins it can find. 

BERTRAM

[To himself] Damned two-timing rogue! 

FIRST SOLDIER

[Reading] "When he makes vows to you, tell him to give you gold and then take it. After he gets what he wants, he never pays what he owes. You've already done half the work if you can make a good deal with him. Make a match of it, and take what you can get first. He never pays afterwards, take it before. And say that a soldier told you this, Diana. You can mess around with men, but don't kiss boys. To wrap things up, the count's a fool, I know that to be true. He pays to get what he wants but not if he owes it after he's gotten what he's after. Yours, just like vowed to be yours in your ear, Parolles."

BERTRAM

[So only the Lords can hear] He'll be whipped throughout the army with this rhyme stuck in his forehead. 

SECOND LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] This is supposedly your devoted friend, sir, who speaks so many languages and is such a brave soldier. 

BERTRAM

[So only the Lords can hear] I used to be able to tolerate anything except a cat and now this man is like a cat to me. 

FIRST SOLDIER

I see, sir, based on the general's expression, we'll have to hang you. 

PAROLLES

Give me my life, sir, at least. It's not that I'm afraid to die. It's just that since I've committed so many sins, I'd rather live out the rest of my life being repentant. Let me live, sir, in a dungeon or in the stocks or anywhere just so I may live. 

FIRST SOLDIER

We'll see what may done as long as you confess truthfully. Therefore, let's go back to this Captain Dumain. You've talked about his reputation with the duke and about his bravery. What about his honesty?

PAROLLES

He will steal an egg out of a church, sir. In terms of raping and ravishing, he's as bad as Nessus. He doesn't ever keep his oaths. He's stronger than Hercules when it comes to breaking his oaths. Sir, his lies are so versatile that you'd think truth was just a fool. Drunkenness is his best virtue for he tends to get blackout drunk, and in his sleep he doesn't do any harm (except to his bedsheets). His servants know his behaviors, though, and they lay him down to sleep in straw. I don't have much more to say about his honesty, sir. He has every quality than an honest man should not have and no qualities that an honest man should. 

FIRST LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] I'm starting to find this endearing. 

BERTRAM

[So only the FIRST LORD can hear] Because of this description of your honesty? A curse on him, I say. He's more and more like a cat. 

FIRST SOLDIER

What do you have to say about his expertise in war?

PAROLLES

Well, sir, he's just an actor when it comes to being in the war. I won't tell lies about him and I don't know very much about him as a a soldier. Except that I do know that in that country he had the honor to be the officer in charge at a place called Mile-end and his job was to instruct during the doubling of files drill. I would say whatever honorable things about him I could, but I don't know very much. 

FIRST LORD

[So only BERTRAM can hear] He's out-villained villainy so far, but this nice gesture is redeeming. 

BERTRAM

[So only the FIRST LORD can hear] Curse him, he's still a cat. 

FIRST SOLDIER

Given that you've rated his qualities so poorly, I don't need to waste time asking you if he could be bribed with gold to revolt. 

PAROLLES

Sir, for just a silver coin, he'd sell all his chances at being saved and his heirs' chances too. He'd cast off his salvation and his descendants' salvation forever. 

FIRST SOLDIER

What's his brother like, the other Captain Dumain?

SECOND LORD

[To himself] Why does he ask him about me?

FIRST SOLDIER

What's he like?

PAROLLES

He's a crow from the same nest. He's not really as great as the first brother in terms of goodness, but he's a great deal greater in terms of evil. He's much more of a coward than his brother even though his brother is known as one of the biggest cowards there is. In running away, he outruns any man. Yes, and when the troop is advancing, he gets a cramp. 

FIRST SOLDIER

In order to save your life, will you be willing to betray the Florentine?

PAROLLES

Yes, and the captain of his horse, Count Rousillon.

FIRST SOLDIER

I'll whisper with the general and find out what he wants. 

PAROLLES

[To himself] I won't drum anymore. Curse all drums! I've only run into this danger because I wanted to seem courageous, and because I wanted to win over that lustful young boy, the count. But who would have suspected there would be an ambush in the play where I was?

FIRST SOLDIER

There's no way out, sir, but you'll have to die. The general says that someone who has been such a traitor in sharing the secrets of his army and made such lying reports of men who are known to be noble can never serve the world for any honest purpose. Therefore you must die. Come, executioner, off with his head. 

PAROLLES

Oh Lord, sir, let me live, or let me at least see my death! 

FIRST LORD

Yes, you will do that, and say farewell to all your friends. 

FIRST LORD

So, look around you. Do you know anyone here?

BERTRAM

Good morning, noble captain. 

SECOND LORD

God bless you, Captain Parolles. 

FIRST LORD

God protect you, noble captain. 

SECOND LORD

Captain, what greeting will you send to Lord Lafeu? I'm going to France. 

FIRST LORD

Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet that you wrote to Diana on behalf of the Count Rousillon? If I weren't a total coward, I'd demand it of you. But farewell. 

FIRST SOLDIER

You are ruined, captain, all but your scarf. That still has a knot in it. 

PAROLLES

Who cannot be crushed by a plot against them?

FIRST SOLDIER

If you could discover a country where only women were and all of them had been as shamed as you've been, maybe you could father a shameless nation. Farewell, sir. I'm heading for France too. We shall speak of you there. 

PAROLLES

Yet I'm thankful. If my heart were big, it would burst at this. I won't be a captain anymore. But I'll eat and drink and I'll sleep as softly as a captain does. Simply being what I am will keep me alive. If any man knows himself to be a braggart, let him be afraid of what's happened to me. It is sure to happen that every braggart shall be revealed to be an ass. My sword will rust and my blushes will fade and Parolles will live most safely in his shame! By being fooled, my foolery will help me survive! Every man can find a place and a way to live. I'll go after them.