Henry IV, Part 1 Translation Act 3, Scene 3
Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last action? Do I not bate? Do I not dwindle? Why, my skin hangs about me like an like an old lady’s loose gown. I am withered like an old applejohn. Well, I’ll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some liking. I shall beout of heart shortly, and then I shall have no strengthto repent. An I have not forgotten what the inside of achurch is made of, I am a peppercorn, a brewer’s horse.The inside of a church! Company, villanous company, hath been the spoil of me.
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, haven't I completely shrunk since that robbery? Haven't I become so thin? Look, my skin is hanging off me like an old lady's loose dress. I am wasting away like an old, withered apple. Well, I'll repent for all the bad things I have done, and I should do it immediately, while I still can. I will be a bad condition soon, and I won't have the strength to repent. If I haven't forgotten what the inside of a church looks like, I'm a small and shriveled berry, a tired and worn-out horse. The inside of a church! I've been ruined by the company, the bad company, I keep.
BARDOLPH
Sir John, you are so fretful you cannot live long.
BARDOLPH
Sir John, if you keep fretting this much, you aren't going to live very long.
FALSTAFF
Why, there is it. Come sing me a bawdy song, make me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman need to be, virtuous enough: swore little; diced not above seventimes— a week; went to a bawdy house once in a quarter—of an hour; paid money that I borrowed, three orfour times; lived well and in good compass; and now I live out of all order, out of all compass.
FALSTAFF
Well, that's true. Come on, sing me a rude song, and cheer me up. I have lived a good life, like any other gentleman—well, good enough at least. I only swore a little bit, didn't gamble more than seven times...well, seven times a week, that is. I went to a brothel never more than once every fifteen...minutes. I paid back my debts! Well, at least three or four times. I lived well and in moderation, and I now I live a bad life, all out of moderation.
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Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs be out of all compass, out of all reasonable compass, Sir John.
BARDOLPH
Sir John, you are so fat that everything about you is out of moderation, moderation wouldn't work for you, Sir John.
FALSTAFF
Do thou amend thy face, and I’ll amend my life. Thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in the poop, but ’tis in the nose of thee. Thou art the knight of theburning lamp.
FALSTAFF
Well if you fix your face, then I will fix my life. You are the man at the front of our fleet, standing on the deck with a lantern, but instead of a lantern it's your nose. You are the Knight of the Burning Lamp!
BARDOLPH
Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm.
BARDOLPH
But, Sir John, my face can't hurt you.
FALSTAFF
No, I’ll be sworn, I make as good use of it as many a man doth of a death’s-head or a memento mori . I never see thy face but I think upon hellfire and Dives that lived in purple, for there he is in his robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way given to virtue, I would swear by thy face. My oath should be “By this fire, that’s God’s angel.” But thou art altogether given over,and wert indeed, but for the light in thy face, the sonof utter darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in thenight to catch my horse, if I did not think thou hadst been an ignis fatuus , or a ball of wildfire, there’s no purchase in money. O, thou art a perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light! Thou hast saved me a thousandmarks in links and torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap at the dearest chandler’s in Europe. I have maintained that salamander of yours with fire any time this two andthirty years, God reward me for it.
FALSTAFF
No, that's true, I can get some good use out of it, if I think of it like a skull or a reminder of death. I've never looked at your face and not thought of the fiery pits of hell and Dives, that rich man in purple from the Bible who burned forever. If there was anything good or virtuous about you, I would swear oaths at your face. My oath would be something like, "Standing by this fire, that's God's angel." But you are completely committed to wickedness that you would be the son of utter darkness, if it wasn't for that light from your red nose. When you ran up Gadshill in the middle of the night to get my horse, I was certain I was seeing a will-o'-the-wisp or a firework running. Oh, you are like a permanent festival of torches, an everlasting bonfire! You must have saved me about a thousand marks that I would have had to spend on torches, just by walking with me from bar to bar. Yet, the amount of wine you have drunk would have bought me lights from the most expensive candle-maker's in Europe. I have put up with that nose of yours and kept it burning for thirty-two years. I deserve some heavenly reward for that.
BARDOLPH
'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!
BARDOLPH
God! I wish my face was in your belly!
FALSTAFF
Godamercy, so should I be sure to be heart-burned!
FALSTAFF
God no! Then I would definitely have heart-burn!
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
How now, Dame Partlet the hen, have you enquired yet who picked my pocket?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John, do you think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched, I have enquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy by boy, servant by servant. The tithe of a hair was never lost in my house before.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, Sir John? What do you think has happened, Sir John? Do you think that I keep thieves in this bar? I have searched for you, and I have asked around, and so has my husband. We have asked every man, every boy, and every servant. The slightest part of something has never been lost here before.
FALSTAFF
You lie, hostess. Bardolph was shaved and lost many a hair; and I’ll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go to, youare a woman, go.
FALSTAFF
That's a lie, hostess. Bardolph has been shaved here, so has lost many hairs. And I am certain that I have been robbed. Damn you, you're just a woman, damn you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Who, I? No; I defy thee! God’s light, I was never called so in mine own house before.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What, me? No, you won't get a way with that! God, I've never been spoken to like that in my own bar.
FALSTAFF
Go to, I know you well enough.
FALSTAFF
Leave off, I know all about you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
No, Sir John, you do not know me, Sir John. I know you,Sir John. You owe me money, Sir John, and now you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it. I bought you a dozen of shirts to your back.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
No, Sir John, you don't know everything about me. I know everything about you, Sir John. You owe me money, Sir John. And now you argue with me and try to trick me out of it. I bought you a dozen shirts to wear.
FALSTAFF
Dowlas, filthy dowlas. I have given them away to bakers' wives; they have made bolters of them.
FALSTAFF
They were awful, made of coarse linen. I had to give them away to bakers' wives to sift flour with—that was all those shirts were good for.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir John, for your diet and by- drinkings, and money lent you, four and twenty pound.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
No they weren't! As I am an honest woman, they were made of fine linen and were worth eight shillings an ell. You owe me money as well, Sir John, for the food and drink you have had here—and the twenty four pounds that I lent you.
FALSTAFF
[points at BARDOLPH ] He had his part of it. Let him pay.
FALSTAFF
[Pointing at BARDOLPH] He had some of that, let him pay you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
He? Alas, he is poor. He hath nothing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Him? No, he is poor. He has nothing.
FALSTAFF
How, poor? Look upon his face. What call you rich? Let them coin his nose. Let them coin his cheeks. I’ll not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker of me? ShallI not take mine case in mine inn but I shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a seal ring of my grandfather’s worth forty mark.
FALSTAFF
How is he poor? Look at his face. If that's not rich, I don't know what is. Let them sell his nose, or make money out of his cheeks. I won't pay a denier. Do you think I'm some kind of bumpkin? Can I not relax in a bar without having my pocket picked? I have lost my grandfather's ring with his seal on it, which is worth forty marks.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O Jesu, I have heard the Prince tell him, I know not how oft, that that ring was copper!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Oh Jesus, I've heard the Prince tell him so many times that that ring was just copper!
FALSTAFF
How? The Prince is a jack, a sneak-up. 'Sblood, an he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog if he would sayso.
FALSTAFF
What? The Prince is a fool, a sneak. I swear to God, if he was here, I would beat him like a dog if he said that.
Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF meets them laying on his truncheon like a fife
How now, lad, is the wind in that door, i' faith? Must we all march?
BARDOLPH
Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.
BARDOLPH
Yep, two-by-two, like prisoners on their way to Newgate.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
My lord, I pray you, hear me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
My lord, please, listen to me.
PRINCE HENRY
What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.
PRINCE HENRY
What are you saying Mistress Quickly? How is your husband doing? I like him a lot; he is an honorable man.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good my lord, hear me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
My good lord, please listen to me.
FALSTAFF
Prithee, let her alone, and list to me.
FALSTAFF
Hal, leave her alone, and listen to me.
PRINCE HENRY
What say’st thou, Jack?
PRINCE HENRY
What are you saying, Jack?
FALSTAFF
The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras, and had my pocket picked. This house is turned bawdy house; they pick pockets.
FALSTAFF
The other night I fell asleep behind these curtains and was robbed. This bar is like a brothel; they steal your things.
PRINCE HENRY
What didst thou lose, Jack?
PRINCE HENRY
What did you lose, Jack?
FALSTAFF
Wilt thou believe me, Hal, three or four bonds of fortypound apiece, and a seal ring of my grandfather’s.
FALSTAFF
Would you believe it, Hal? Three or four promises of money, worth forty pounds each, and a signet ring that was my grandfather's.
PRINCE HENRY
A trifle, some eightpenny matter.
PRINCE HENRY
That ring's nothing—it's barely worth eight pennies.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
So I told him, my lord, and I said I heard your Grace say so. And, my lord, he speaks most vilely of you, likea foul-mouthed man as he is; and said he would cudgel you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
That's what I told him, my lord, and I said I had heard your Grace say so. Then, my lord, he said vile things about you, like the foul-mouthed man he is, and he said he would beat you!
PRINCE HENRY
What, he did not!
PRINCE HENRY
What? He did?!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
There’s neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Either he said that, or I'm not faithful, honest, or womanly at all.
FALSTAFF
There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune, nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn fox, and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the deputy’s wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing, go.
FALSTAFF
There's about as much faith in you as there is in a whore, about as much truth as a fox running after a piece of bait. And as for your womanhood, a boy in a dress is more likely to be the deputy's wife than you are. Get out, you thing, go.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Say, what thing, what thing?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Thing? What thing?
FALSTAFF
What thing! Why, a thing to thank God on.
FALSTAFF
What thing?! Why a thing to thank God for.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou shouldst know it! I am an honest man’s wife, and, setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to call me so.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I am no thing to thank God for, you'd better believe it! I am the wife of an honoraable man, and ignoring my respect for your title of knight, you are a villain to call me that.
FALSTAFF
Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say otherwise.
FALSTAFF
Ignoring your womanhood, you are just a beast, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Say, what beast, thou knave, thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What beast, you dishonest man?
FALSTAFF
What beast? Why, an otter.
FALSTAFF
What beast? Why, an otter.
PRINCE HENRY
An otter, Sir John. Why an otter?
PRINCE HENRY
An otter, Sir John. Why an otter?
FALSTAFF
Why, she’s neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not where to have her.
FALSTAFF
Well she's not quite a fish and not quite a mammal—a man wouldn't know what to do with her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Thou art an unjust man in saying so. Thou or any man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
You are a horrible man for saying a nasty thing like that. You or any other man would know what to do with me, you rascal, you.
PRINCE HENRY
Thou sayest true, hostess, and he slanders thee most grossly.
PRINCE HENRY
You speak truthfully, hostess, and he has greatly offended you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
So he doth you, my lord, and said this other day you owed him a thousand pound.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
He also offends you, my lord, and he said the other day that you owe him a thousand pounds.
PRINCE HENRY
Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?
PRINCE HENRY
Sir, do I owe you a thousand pounds?
FALSTAFF
A thousand pound, Hal? A million. Thy love is worth a million; thou owest me thy love.
FALSTAFF
A thousand pounds, Hal? More like a million. But since your love is worth a million pounds, you just owe me your love.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Nay, my lord, he called you “jack,” and said he would cudgel you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
That's not true, my lord, he called you a fool and said that he would beat you.
FALSTAFF
Did I, Bardolph?
FALSTAFF
Did I, Bardolph?
BARDOLPH
Indeed, Sir John, you said so.
BARDOLPH
Yes, Sir John, that's what you said.
FALSTAFF
Yea, if he said my ring was copper.
FALSTAFF
Yes, but I only said I'd do this if he said my ring was trash and was just made of copper.
PRINCE HENRY
I say ’tis copper. Darest thou be as good as thy word now?
PRINCE HENRY
I do say it's trash and just made of copper. Are you going to honor your promise and beat me then?
FALSTAFF
Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare, but as thou art Prince, I fear thee as I fear the roaring of a lion’s whelp.
FALSTAFF
Hal, you know that if you were only a man, I would honor my promise. But since you're the Prince, I'm scared, like I'm scared of the roaring of a lion's cub.
PRINCE HENRY
And why not as the lion?
PRINCE HENRY
Why am I not the lion?
FALSTAFF
The King is to be feared as the lion. Dost thou think I’ll fear thee as I fear thy father? Nay, an I do, I pray God my girdle break.
FALSTAFF
The King is the only man as scary as a lion. Do you think I'm as scared of you as I am of your father? No, and if I was, I hope my girdle would break!
PRINCE HENRY
O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy knees! But, sirrah, there’s no room for faith, truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine. It is all filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest woman with picking thy pocket? Why, thou whoreson, impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in thy pocket but tavern reckonings, memorandums of bawdy houses, and one poor pennyworth, of sugar candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket were enriched with any other injuries but these, I am a villain. And, yet you will stand to it! You will not pocket up wrong! Art thou not ashamed?
PRINCE HENRY
Oh, if your girdle broke, your stomach would be hanging around your knees! But sir, there's no room in your chest for loyalty, honesty ,or the truth. Your chest is all filled up with guts and stomach. You are going to accuse an honest woman of robbing you? Why, you son-of-a-whore! You shameless, fat liar! I bet that the only things in your pockets were tavern bills, notes about brothels, and about a penny's worth of sweet candy to give you enough energy to keep going. If your pockets had anything in them except these things, then I'm a liar.And yet, you continue to lie! You will not accept criticism! Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear, Hal? Thou knowest in the state of innocency Adam fell, and what should poor Jack Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I have more flesh than another man and therefore more frailty. You confess, then, you picked my pocket?
FALSTAFF
Don't you understand, Hal? You know that Adam fell even when living in the innocent world of Eden, so what chance does poor Jack Falstaff have in these evil times? You can see that I have more flesh than most other men, and that makes me more frail. Are you confessing then, that it was you who robbed me?
PRINCE HENRY
It appears so by the story.
PRINCE HENRY
So it seems, since I told you what was in your pockets.
FALSTAFF
Hostess, I forgive thee. Go make ready breakfast, love thy, husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy guests. Thou shalt find me tractable to any honest reason. Thou seest I am pacified still. Nay, prithee, be gone.
FALSTAFF
Hostess, I forgive you. Go and get breakfast ready, love your husband, take care of your servants, and look after your guests. You will find me an agreeable man normally. See how easily pleased I am. Now, please, get going!
Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY
Now, Hal, to the news at court. For the robbery, lad, how is that answered?
PRINCE HENRY
O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to thee. The money is paid back again.
PRINCE HENRY
Oh, I will always be your protector, you fresh piece of meat. The money has been paid back.
FALSTAFF
O, I do not like that paying back. 'Tis a double labor.
FALSTAFF
Oh, I don't like the whole "paying back" thing—it's twice the amount of work.
PRINCE HENRY
I am good friends with my father and may do anything.
PRINCE HENRY
I am good friends with my father again, and so I can do anything.
FALSTAFF
Rob me the Exchequer the first thing thou dost, and do it with unwashed hands too.
FALSTAFF
Then start by robbing the royal treasury, and do it right now, without even washing your hands.
BARDOLPH
Do, my lord.
BARDOLPH
Do it, my lord.
PRINCE HENRY
I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.
PRINCE HENRY
I have found you some foot soldiers to command, Jack.
FALSTAFF
I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find one that can steal well? O, for a fine thief of the age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for these rebels. They offend none but the virtuous. I laud them; I praise them.
FALSTAFF
I wish they could have been cavalrymen instead of foot soldiers. Where am I going to find a good thief? Oh, if only I had a great thief who was about twenty-two years old! I am awfully ill-equipped. Well, thank God for these rebels. They only go against the good people. I give them praise and honor for that.
PRINCE HENRY
Bardolph!
PRINCE HENRY
Bardolph!
BARDOLPH
My lord.
BARDOLPH
My lord.
PRINCE HENRY
Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster,To my brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.
PRINCE HENRY
Go and give this letter to my brother, Lord John of Lancaster. Take this one to the Lord of Westmoreland.
Exit BARDOLPH
Go, Peto, to horse, to horse, for thou and I have thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.
Exit PETO
Jack, meet me tomorrow in the Temple hall At two o'clock in the afternoon; There shalt thou know thy charge, and there receive Money and order for their furniture. The land is burning. Percy stands on high, And either we or they must lower lie.
Exit PRINCE HENRY
FALSTAFF
Rare words, brave world!—Hostess, my breakfast, come.—O, I could wish this tavern were my drum.
FALSTAFF
Well said! What an amazing world this is! Hostess, bring me my breakfast. Oh, if only I could lead my troops from this bar.
Exit
