Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in 12 Rules for Life, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Order, Chaos, and Meaning
Suffering, Evil, and Responsibility
Truth
Knowledge and Wisdom
Character-Building and Hierarchy
Gender and Relationships
Summary
Analysis
Peterson grew up in a small town on the Alberta prairie. Winter lasted for five long, dark months. Growing up, Peterson had a friend whom he’ll call Chris. For reasons that weren’t clear to Peterson, Chris was angry and resentful, and his relationship with his father was broken. Chris hung out with his younger cousin Ed a lot, and they smoked marijuana. Peterson spent a lot of time driving the countryside and partying with Chris, Ed, and their friends. Peterson never enjoyed these parties—they were dark, loud, and dreary, and nobody knew what they were doing there. Everyone who grew up in Fairview, Alberta, knew they would leave eventually.
Though it’s not yet clear why Peterson is telling this story from his youth, given the chapter’s title, it’s reasonable to guess that Chris was not a friend who “want[ed] the best for” Peterson, and that the story will serve as an example of the kinds of relationships Peterson doesn’t encourage. His description of life growing up in Fairview also contrasts with the kind of purposeful existence Peterson has been commending so far in the book.
Themes
In high school, Peterson befriended two college-bound newcomers. Their ambition helped persuade Peterson, too, to attend college. Peterson was very happy in college, and he felt he’d left his past behind. But he’d already found that not everyone is able to embrace the possibilities of a new place. At 15, he’d visited the city of Edmonton with his friends Chris and Carl. They spent the whole weekend drinking and smoking marijuana, as if they’d never left Fairview at all. Years later, while living in Edmonton, his old friend Ed visited. Ed clearly wasn’t doing well and was mowing lawns for a living. Ed brought along a friend, who was so high that Peterson eventually asked the two of them to leave. Peterson wondered what made it impossible for his friends to improve their lives.
By making better friends and being encouraged to attend college, Peterson found a way to leave Fairview behind and lead a more productive life. But Chris’s and Ed’s experiences suggest that just leaving a place physically isn’t a foolproof ticket to a better life. Chris, Ed, and their friends basically replicate their dead-end lifestyle no matter where they happen to be. Their lifestyles contrasted jarringly with the new life Peterson was establishing beyond Fairview. Again, Peterson hints that there’s something about the company one keeps that shapes one’s ability to change their life.
Themes
Eventually, Chris had a psychotic break and committed suicide. Peterson wondered why Chris continually sought out people and places that weren’t good for him. Sometimes this happens when a person has a low opinion of themselves. They may not believe they deserve any better. People use whatever tools they have at hand to build their lives. Often, these tools are faulty, so they produce faulty results. While some of this is fate or inability, it also seems to be a refusal to learn.
Peterson doesn’t claim that there’s a clear explanation for Chris’s horrible fate or that he deserved such unhappiness. Nevertheless, that also doesn’t mean that a person never bears any responsibility for the outcomes in their lives. Chris seems to be someone who only had “faulty tools” available to him, and yet his struggles might have prompted him to make different choices at some point—but he didn’t.
Themes
There are other reasons for choosing friends that aren’t good for you, like wanting to rescue someone. While there are often good motives behind this impulse, it’s often naïve, because plenty of downtrodden people don’t desire change, or are themselves exploitative or oppressors. It’s difficult to tell the difference between someone who wants help and someone who will take advantage of help.
Peterson points out that it’s not always a question of low self-esteem or lack of resources, but that well-meaning people sometimes choose friends who are bad for them, too. Sometimes people naively assume that there’s no downside to helping someone else; but just because someone needs help doesn’t mean they’re not in a position to hurt others, potentially even dragging others down with them.
Themes
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Plus, the desire to help someone can be narcissistic. Peterson quotes Dostoevsky’s Notes from Underground as an example, where the protagonist doesn’t have the strength of character to see through his promises to the downtrodden Liza. Problematic, low-achieving people also tend to bring down the groups or teams around them instead of being influenced by their more stable peers. When it comes to helping other people, Peterson suggests assuming that you’re doing the easiest thing, not the most difficult. It’s easy to assume that you’re making progress with a troubled person, but it’s likely you’re just enabling their bad behavior.
Peterson cites Dostoevsky’s novels a number of times in 12 Rules, turning to them as examples of literary works that capture core truths about human nature. Here, Notes from Underground gives an example of a helping instinct gone wrong. Overall, Peterson’s perspective on helping others sounds pretty pessimistic, but his point is that effectively helping a troubled person—really helping them change their life—is very difficult, and that no matter how pure you believe your intentions are, that doesn’t mean you’re actually helping them; in fact, you might be hurting them.
Themes
Before helping someone, it’s important to know what’s really going on with them. It’s unlikely that they’re a purely innocent victim of their circumstances. Further, it’s not really kind to assume that a person has no agency. Peterson says it’s wiser to assume that a person has rejected the available path out of their situation. Often, a person asking for help is just trying to temporarily stave off disaster, not fix their life. Or, in their resentment of others’ success, they’re trying to drag you down to their level.
Peterson continues to sound pessimistic about the likelihood of actually helping people. His point here, though, is that part of seeking to help someone is being realistic; being naïve isn’t actually kind or helpful. Realism means recognizing that you probably don’t know someone’s full story, just the angle they’ve told you. According to Peterson, it also means that, in the majority of cases, the person you’re seeking to help isn’t a purely innocent victim of their circumstances, regardless of what they claim, and probably could have taken some positive steps on their own. In such cases, then, there’s a good chance the intended helper will be dragged into a difficult situation more than the other person will be helped.
Themes
In short, Peterson believes it’s impossible to help someone unless they truly want this help. And it’s pointless to suffer for someone else in this situation, because it’s probably just a way of helping yourself feel good without actually addressing difficult problems. It might be more effective to live your own life and lead by example.
Peterson suggests that unless someone is prepared to change their life and welcomes your help in doing so, then whatever “help” you offer them is really more about your own ego; your sacrifices for them aren’t actually accomplishing anything. To get back to the chapter’s title, such people don’t really “want the best for you,” and it’s better for them and yourself if you step away and live your own life as best you can.
Themes
Finally, it’s not selfish to seek out friends who will be good for you—it’s appropriate to be friends with people whose own lives will be improved if they see your life improve. Such friends will encourage you to do well and won’t put up with any self-destructive behavior on your part. They won’t pull away from you if your achievements put their life in a negative light. Good examples are disturbing because they remind us that we could be more than we are. It’s not actually easier to surround oneself with such examples. It requires courage and humility. So, “make friends with people who want the best for you.”
Peterson anticipates the objection that seeking out friends who are good for you is selfish. Rather, Peterson suggests that friendship is a two-way street, and that true friends invest in one another’s wellbeing. Often, that means choosing to be around people who challenge you, even when that means facing parts of your life that need improvement. Such friends, he suggests, are the kind of people who won’t be threatened by your own success. Ultimately, then, seeking such friends isn’t just good for you, but for those around you.
Themes
