A Visit from the Goon Squad

This story is written in the form of an article that might appear in a magazine. Jules Jones is the writer, and the article profile’s Kitty Jackson. He recounts a lunch he shared with her, during which he interviews her. The chapter includes footnotes, which expand on specific moments of the article.

Kitty is on the phone when he arrives at the restaurant. Jules notes that movie stars always look small the first time you see them, which is true for Kitty. Her hair is highlighted blond, and Jules knows about highlighting because his ex-fiancé used to talk about it. He notes that though Kitty has an unexceptional face, she seems extraordinarily pretty.

Kitty is on the phone for five minutes, which cuts into the forty minutes she has agreed to for the interview. She apologizes to Jules after she hangs up, which puts her in the category of nice celebrities. These kinds of celebrities act like they are just like you, Jules notes, so you will write flattering things about them. He prefers mean celebrities, however, because they provide good material for his reporting.

Jules notes the way in which people respond to Kitty, which is completely different than the way they respond to non-celebrities. He observes that the waiter’s recognition of Kitty’s fame seems to spread through the restaurant through a system of quantum physics—a concept called entangled particles. Even people across the restaurant who can’t see her seem to suddenly react.

Footnote 1: Jules explains that entangled particles have not been fully explained. How can one particle know what is happening to another? First, he decides that the particles are not communicating because they would have to do it faster than the speed of light, which is impossible. Then he discredits Einstein’s theory that the particles are responding to local factors, because all of the particles seem to be responding at the same time. He decides it is a quantum mechanical mystery. The presence of Kitty seems to entangle patrons by making them simultaneously aware that they are not Kitty Jackson. This shared awareness, Jules speculates, creates a simultaneous reaction.

Jules asks if she likes the attention, and Kitty says she doesn’t feel like she deserves it. He compliments her movies, and she says she was proud of her older work. As she begins to talk about her new movie, Jules cuts her off. He is not interested in her new movie. The waiter brings their food, and Jules analyzes the waiter’s and Kitty’s behavior. Jules compares Kitty and the waiter’s responses to a sandwich. The middle of the sandwich is the truth of their emotion, and the bread is their attempt to cover it up and keep it contained.

Jules notes that sixteen minutes have passed. He suggests that Kitty has been having an affair with her co-star, and purposefully talks with his mouth full in a calculated effort to disgust Kitty, an attempt to puncture her shield of kindness. She denies the affair, stating that she and Tom Cruise have a wonderful relationship, that she admires Nicole Kidman (his wife), and babysat their children. Jules smiles, intending to fluster Kitty. He reminds the reader that he only has forty minutes, and he needs to “break her open” quickly. He watches her eat her salad. She dips her finger into the salad dressing, and sucks it off.

Footnote 2: This footnote reveals that Jules is writing this article from Rikers Island Correctional Facility. For months he has been analyzing the moment where Kitty sucked her finger. He enumerates the list of thoughts that went through his head in that moment. He wonders first if she is coming onto him, but decides that is out of the question. He then asks why it would be out of the question. He answers this question by remembering his ex-fiancé’s comment about him gaining weight, having skin problems, and having no worldly clout. He goes back and forth, finally realizing that he does not even register as a man to Kitty, and so she is not self-conscious in his presence.

Jules asks what Kitty plans to do with her career next, and Kitty is relieved to receive a normal question. Jules believes the best he can do in this situation is to hide the impossibility of them sharing any kind of connection. Jules notes that he keeps inserting himself into the story because it is the only way to make an article about a nice nineteen-year-old interesting. He finds Kitty boring, and what is most interesting about her is the reaction she receives from others. In order to understand his own reaction to her, Jules states that it is important the reader understands that his ex-fiancé dumped him two weeks ago for a memoirist who wrote about his adolescent penchant for masturbating into the family fish tank.

Kitty responds to Jules’ question by saying that she imagines her future self looking back at her present self, and wonders if her present self is beginning a great life. Kitty wants happiness. She wants to find true love, and have children. Jules feels anger, fear, and lust. He looks at her shoulder and briefly imagines pulling apart her little bones and sucking the meat off of them one by one.

Footnote 3: In this footnote, Jules recounts the day he met his ex-fiancé. She was out walking her dog, which Jules calls a mangy, wet-looking terrier that appears unlovable. But she loved the dog, and Jules admired that. As he watched her pick up the dog’s poop, he imagined their life together. He asked her if he could help. She smiled and asked him if he was insane.

Jules asks Kitty how it feels to be a sex goddess, but she says it is something other people feel. A look of weariness comes over her face, and Jules also feels weary. Jules says all of this is such a farce, and notes that Kitty is regarding him with pity. He worries that he has permitted her to turn the interview around on him, forcing him into the spotlight. He sneezes, which he feels saves the moment from turning on him.

Jules asks Kitty if she would be willing to go on a walk with him. She asks about her publicist, who is supposed to come relieve her of the interview in forty minutes. Jules suggests that he call her publicist and have him meet them. He wants to get a few extra minutes with Kitty to try to salvage the interview, and he wants to see the way Kitty moves while she is walking. As she walks out, Jules notes that she walks in a way that suggests she knows she is famous and irresistible. She keeps her head down because her power over others is embarrassing.

By the time Jules and Kitty have reached Central Park, forty-one minutes have passed. Jules watches Kitty’s legs as they walk, so closely that he can see the fine hairs above her knees. He feels like getting on the ground and crawling beside her. Her skin is smooth, Jules believes, because she is young and still unaware that she will reach middle age and die.

They sit on a grassy slope, and begin talking again about her new movie. Jules suggests they stop talking about the movie and talk about horses. Kitty’s response suggests that Jules has broken through her celebrity surface and touched something deeper: Kitty pulls a picture of a horse from her purse, saying the horse’s name is Nixon. Kitty feels sad because she never gets to see the horse. In this moment, Jules pushes Kitty back on the grass and tells her to pretend she is riding Nixon. He covers her mouth when she tries to scream. He remembers a failed sexual encounter with his ex-fiancé as he pins Kitty down with his body. Jules feels rage, desiring to cut Kitty open or tear her apart and plunge his arms into whatever pure liquids exist within her body. He wants to rape her and then kill her, but not the other way around because he wants to feel the life inside of her. Kitty sprays Jules with mace and stabs his thigh with a Swiss Army knife. She runs away, but Jules notes that he got an extra twenty minutes with her.

Later, Kitty writes Jules a letter in jail, apologizing for whatever part she played in his emotional breakdown and for stabbing him. Several other articles appear after his incarceration about the vulnerability of celebrities, the need to vet freelance writers, and the lack of adequate daytime security in Central Park. Kitty is held up as the Marilyn Monroe of her generation, a martyr for her response to Jules.

Footnote 4: In response to the article about the need for security in Central Park, Jules writes a letter to the editor. He suggests erecting checkpoints at each entrance of the park that will call up the records of success or failure of each visitor, and assign each person a rank depending on their statistics. Then the lower ranked people could receive a tracking device and be watched in the park. His only request is they rank infamy equally with fame, so that way he could receive the same protection as Kitty. This is in response to the assassination of character he has received after the rape.