Absurd Person Singular

The play begins “last Christmas” in the kitchen of the suburban home of Sidney Hopcroft and Jane Hopcroft, both in their thirties. Their home is modest, but it has modern appliances, such as a fridge and a washing machine. Jane busily scrubs the floor with a cloth, singing as she works. Sidney walks cheerily into the room, wearing fancy, somewhat old-fashioned clothes.

As Jane scrubs, Sidney notes that he has “a few games lined up .... just in case.” He also points out that Jane doesn’t really need to scrub the kitchen, since their guests that night won’t be standing there. Jane points out that some of the women might want to look at the kitchen, but Sidney argues that bankers’ wives won’t care about someone else’s kitchen. He mentions that he spilled something on a sideboard, and Jane, agitated, immediately goes to clean the spillage, complaining that now the house will smell of polish.

Sidney asks Jane for a “Christmas kiss,” but Jane instead says that Sidney’s tie smells like fly spray. Then Sidney notes that it’s 8:28, meaning that the party officially starts in two minutes. Suddenly, the bell rings. Frantically, Jane says that she hasn’t sprayed the kitchen yet, and pulls out a spray canister. Sidney goes to let the first two guests, the Potters, into the house. These guests, Dick and Lottie Potter, are never seen, but their loud, braying laughs now fill the house.

Sidney ducks back into the kitchen, where Jane is still spraying. Jane remembers that she’s been wearing slippers—she’s left her dress shoes by the fireplace, and begs Sidney to go get them at once. Sidney retreats back into the room with the Potters, and there is a sudden bellow of laughter. Then, Sidney returns to the kitchen, carrying Jane’s shoes. He notes that it’s lucky “it’s only Dick and Lottie” in the other room, rather than the Brewster-Wrights.

Jane and Sidney leave the kitchen, and the sound of laughter and conversation from offstage fills the kitchen. Sidney returns to look for a bottle opener, and suddenly the doorbell rings. Sidney goes to open the door; a moment later he comes back into the kitchen and hisses, “It’s them.” Jane knows that Sidney means Ronald Brewster-Wright and his wife, Marion Brewster-Wright.

A moment later, Jane, Sidney, and Ronald Brewster-Wright—a man in his mid-forties who is “impressive without being distinguished”—burst into the kitchen. Ronald’s trousers are wet, and Jane is apologizing profusely for spilling on him. She offers him a tea towel, which he uses to dry his trousers.

Marion Brewster-Wright, Ronald’s wife, enters the kitchen. She praises the kitchen, especially the shiny “working surfaces” and the cupboard drawers, which can be filled with “all sorts of things” and then shut and forgotten about. Marion also notices the washing machine, which was Sidney’s Christmas present to Jane. She notices the dial that reads, “Whites-coloreds” and jokes, “it’s apartheid,” a comment that Jane doesn’t understand.

The doorbell rings, and Jane leaves the room to greet the guests. Marion asks Sidney, who she calls “Mr. Hopcraft,” how he managed to “squeeze” the washing machine into the kitchen. Sidney explains that he’s built all the shelves in the kitchen and measured the washing machine to fit underneath the shelves. Jane pokes her head into the kitchen and announces that the Jacksons, Eva and Geoffrey, have arrived. Jane and Sidney walk out of the kitchen.

Marion and Ronald stay in the kitchen, studying the washing machine. Marion tells her husband to “make our excuses quite shortly,” since she wants to get home to her children, finds Dick Potter’s jokes horrible, and doesn’t like the drinks. Ronald complains that Jane spilled soda on his trousers while pouring him a drink.

Sidney returns to the kitchen to summon the Brewster-Wrights into the drawing room. Marion tells him, “we can’t tear ourselves away from your divine kitchen,” but she and Ronald follow Sidney out. A moment later, Jane returns with an empty bowl, which she fills with chips. Sidney follows her, explaining that they’re out of tonic water. Jane asks him to tell Lottie to stop eating so many chips.

Jane and Sidney continue looking for the tonic water, and Sidney complains that she’s “let us down” by forgetting where the tonic is—or, worse, forgetting to buy extra tonic. Sidney leaves the kitchen, and Jane stands alone, on the verge of tears. Suddenly she opens a drawer and begins counting out coins. She puts on her husband’s raincoat and then goes out into the rain, leaving the back door ajar.

Sidney returns to the kitchen, carrying Marion’s glass, which needs tonic water. Then, Eva walks in. She’s in her thirties and “makes no concessions in either manner or appearance.” Eva explains that she needs some water so that she can take her pills and avoid “turning into a raving lunatic.” She’s been taking pills since the age of eight, she claims, and finds it disturbing that her existence is “geared round swallowing tablets every three hours,” including in the middle of the night. She accepts a glass of water, drinks from it, and then throws it in the garbage can.

Eva, speaking half to herself, goes on to explain that she and her husband, Geoffrey, have left their dog, George, in the car so that it won’t get too restless. However, the dog has a habit of sounding the car horn with its nose. As she speaks, Sidney retrieves the glass from the trash. Eva, noticing him, says, “My God was that me?” and says, “I am finally going mad.” She leaves the kitchen.

Marion enters the kitchen, asking about her glass. She sips from it and claims that it’s much better now that it has a little tonic water—however, Sidney points out that it’s pure gin. Marion teases Sidney, “what are you trying to do to me?” Sidney points out that the mistletoe is in another room, and Marion says, “Lead on,” though she can’t remember Sidney’s name. Sidney absent-mindedly closes the back door.

A moment later, Jane arrives at the back door, soaking wet, with a carton of tonic waters. She finds that the door is locked. She knocks gently, then louder, but nobody hears. She decides to try the front door. Sidney comes back into the kitchen, carrying an empty chip-bowl. He sees the back door, realizes his mistake, and runs out into the rain. A moment later, he rushes back inside, and Jane comes in through the front door, her boots squelching on the floor.

Back in the kitchen, Sidney asks Jane what happened, and Jane explains that she went out for tonic water—Ronald Brewster-Wright let her in again. She notes, “I don’t think he recognized me” and admits that she doesn’t think she can face her guests now. Sidney says she should apologize to the guests.

Just then, Ronald enters the kitchen, and Jane rushes out the back door rather than face her guest. Ronald explains that he just let in a “little short chap.” Sidney hesitates, then says, “He was from the off-license” and brought some tonic water. Ronald and Sidney discuss Sidney’s general store business, and Sidney brings up a “chat” the two of them had the other day. Ronald hesitates and then says, “I think the bank could probably see their way to helping you out.”

Geoffrey Jackson, a handsome, confident man in his mid-thirties, enters and asks, “Is there a chance of sanctuary here?” He complains that Dick Potter is telling the women annoying jokes. Sidney claims that Dick is a “fascinating character,” a teacher who works with young people most of the time. Geoffrey notes that Dick’s wife Lottie has sexy legs, especially for a woman of her age. Sidney agrees, but then says he hasn’t really seen Lottie’s legs.

Suddenly, Jane appears outside the back door. Sidney waves her away, without his guests seeing him. Meanwhile, Ronald asks Geoffrey about a party the two of them went to, during which Geoffrey flirted with a blonde. Geoffrey brags, “You have no idea,” and Sidney tries to laugh along and give “noises of sexual approval.” Geoffrey complains that he wishes he could “bury” his wife sometimes. Ronald points out that Geoffrey is lucky to have Eva, since she probably has a “jolly good idea” by now, but still lives with Geoffrey. Geoffrey says that Eva has learned to live by his rules. He adds that there’s too much “good stuff wandering around.”

Eva strolls into the kitchen and claims that the men have “abandoned” the ladies at the party. Sidney leaves the kitchen. Eva tells Geoffrey that they should get going, since their dog needs to go home and eat its dinner. She also tells Ronald, “Your wife is looking slightly less than pleased.”

As Eva leaves, Geoffrey brings up a business deal with Ronald—he wants to know if Walter Harrison’s new shopping complex in the area has an architect yet. When Ronald says no, Geoffrey asks Ronald to put in a word with the owner of the complex, and Ronald promises he will.

Marion enters the kitchen, just as Ronald is leaving. She tells Geoffrey that the house is horribly ugly, and Geoffrey agrees—he explains that houses like this are designed to be cheap, because people in the neighborhood usually aren’t choosey. She tells Geoffrey that he must come visit her and Ronald.

Sidney and Ronald, now wearing his overcoat, come back into the kitchen. Marion thanks Sidney and tells him that he and Jane should visit them sometime—assuming he can ever find Jane. Alone in the kitchen, Sidney smiles and rubs his hands together.

Jane knocks on the back door and Sidney lets her in. Jane is a “sodden mess”—she explains that she stayed outside until all the guests had left. Sidney claims that there was nothing he could have said to the guests that would’ve explained Jane’s bizarre behavior. The guests, he adds, are people “who can be very, very useful to us.”

Sidney tells Jane that he’ll watch some television now—since it’s Christmas Eve, there should be something good on. Sidney walks out, leaving Jane along in the kitchen. She stares at the dirty things scattered around the room. She picks up a damp cloth and begins to clean the room, singing happily to herself.