First They Killed My Father: Chapter 13 Summary & Analysis

Four months have passed since Keav’s death. The family is still starving and lives in fear of being outed as supporters of the Lon Nol government. One night Pa whispers to Ma that “they know,” and that they must send the children to orphanage camps where they will change their names to survive.

The next night Loung reflects that the world is still beautiful despite their suffering, and wonders if there are gods who will save them. Just then, two men in black appear and ask for Pa, saying they need him to help move a wagon that is stuck in the mud. Understanding that this is the end, Pa says goodbye to Ma inside. Loung can hear her sobbing. Pa then stands tall for the first time and says he is ready to go. Before he leaves he suddenly picks Loung up to squeeze and kiss her as he hasn’t done in a long time. The soldiers say he will be back in the morning, but before he leaves Pa says goodbye to all his children and tells Kim to look after the household.

The remaining family waits for Pa all of the next day, but he does not return. The sunset is beautiful, which makes Loung angry amidst their suffering. She reflects that war has made her full of rage, and that the Angkar have made her “hate so deeply” that she wants to “destroy and kill.”

Despite knowing Pa will not return, the family continues to sit outside in the darkness until Ma sends the children into the hut. Loung hopes Pa died with dignity, and that the soldiers did not torture him. He once told her that monks’ spirits could leave their bodies, and she now imagines leaving her body to look for Pa at the edge of a gruesome mass grave. She sees her spirit wrap her arms around his body before his execution, and believes that he focused on his children’s faces in the moment before his death.

After three days Loung understands that Pa must truly be dead. She feels as if she has poison in her stomach and prays to the gods to bring Pa back. She then tells Chou that she will kill Pol Pot. She feels so full of hatred that it scares her and leaves no room for sadness, which would make her want to kill herself to escape. Imagining Pol Pot’s slow, painful death grants her the will to survive.

Ma says she will always have hope that Pa is still alive, but Loung refuses to allow herself hope. She worries how Ma, who was very dependent on Pa, will get by without his help. That night Loung dreams of him as he was before the war. She reflects that she thought Pa was a god during their trip to Angkor Wat, because many of the stone statues had similar facial features. Everyone must go back to work, and though Ma seems to recover after a month, Loung knows she will never smile again. Geak has stopped growing, causing Loung to feel deeply guilty for stealing the rice earlier.

Soldiers come to take fathers away more often, always with casual excuses and the promise that they will return the next morning. Loung tries to remember their faces so she can one day come back to kill them. Rumors spread that Pa was made a prisoner and tortured every day until he managed to escape into the mountains. People say he is working to recruit an army to fight the Khmer Rouge, giving Ma hope. But weeks pass, and he never returns. The family continues to depend on Meng and Khouy to bring them extra food, but Khouy gets sick and Meng is kept too busy with work to return to the village.

People look down on Ma because of her white skin, but she works hard. One day she takes Loung with her to catch shrimp. There are harsh punishments for stealing, but Ma quickly gives Loung a handful of raw baby shrimp to eat, then does the same for herself. Loung is proud of her mother’s strength, and says they “find ways to stay alive.”