Good Omens: Saturday Summary & Analysis

It’s early on Saturday morning, the last day of the world, and the sky is blood red. The deliveryman parks his van on the shoulder, climbs over a fence, and wanders along the river Uck with a parcel. The deliveryman notes how much the river has changed: it used to be a favored spot for fishermen, but now, it’s covered in sludge. Eventually, he reaches a young man dressed all in white. The young man whispers that everything is so beautiful and signs his name. His pen bleeds, but the name starts with a P and either ends in –ence or –ution. After the deliveryman leaves, the man opens the parcel and finds a tiara. When he puts it on, it turns black.

The deliveryman carefully climbs into his van and reads the instructions on his next package. The address is one word: everywhere. The deliveryman writes a note to his wife that reads, “I love you,” and then walks across the road. A car zooms around the corner and hits him. Watching the car drive away, the deliveryman realizes that he no longer has a body, and he hears a voice say “YES” behind what used to be his shoulder. At first, the deliveryman is speechless, but then he tells the voice that he has a message: “Come and See.” The voice is pleased and tells the deliveryman to not think of this as dying—he should think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.

Meanwhile, Shadwell confirms that Newt has his supplies, including his bell, book, and candle. Most important is the pin. Then, Shadwell salutes Newt and sends him off. Once Newt is gone, Shadwell squints at the WA’s map and puts a pushpin in Tadfield. Then, he admires the memorabilia of witch-finders past. Shadwell is no “lone nut”—the WA used to be as big as it is in Shadwell’s records, but everyone has since died. Oliver Cromwell set the pay rates, and no one since has revisited them (Newt’s pay is a shilling per year). Newt thinks of his participation as akin to participating in Civil War reenactments: it gets him out on weekends and keeps a tradition alive.

An hour after leaving the WA, Newt pulls over and tosses several of Shadwell’s items into the bushes. He keeps the military issue items, like the pin (for jabbing into suspected witches as a test; witches won’t feel it). Then, Newt resumes his journey in his Wasabi. Newt adores his car, which has safety features that malfunction and horrible gas mileage. As he drives, Newt wonders how he should go about stabbing potential witches. He might be interested to know that of the 39,000 women stabbed, only one—Agnes Nutter—said anything but “ow.”

One of the first entries in The Nice and Accurate Prophecies concerns Agnes’s death. She met the mob at the door, walked herself to the bonfire, and told everyone to gather round. She charged everyone to watch the last true witch in England die, and to pay attention to the fate of those who meddle with things they don’t understand. Then, she looked up and said, “That goes for you as welle, yowe daft old foole.” Thirty seconds after Agnes caught fire, an explosion took out the entire village square—she’d hidden gunpowder and roofing nails in her skirts.

Agnes left behind her book and a box, and instructions for how to deal with each. The people in the neighboring village decided to follow her instructions because of the predictions of what would happen to them if they didn’t. The person who burned Agnes was Witchfinder Major Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer. Now, his last living descendent is headed for Agnes Nutter’s last living descendent.

A flying saucer lands right in front of Newt as he tries to find the turnoff for Tadfield. It looks like every cartoon of a flying saucer, and three aliens come down the walkway in the manner of policemen. One short alien inspects a leaf; the other looks like a toad wrapped in tinfoil and raps on Newt’s window. It tells Newt that the polar ice caps are below regulation size, but they’ll let it go this time. Then, it says that it has to give Newt a message of universal peace and cosmic harmony—the toad has no idea why it had to deliver this message. The toad then it leads its fellows back to the saucer. Newt can’t tell Shadwell about this, since he forgot to count the aliens’ nipples.

The Them sit on a gate, watching Dog roll in cowpats. Adam announces that they have it all wrong about witches—the witches have been right all along. Pepper says that, according to her mother, witches were actually just intelligent women. Brian says that witches still might worship the devil. Adam, however, says that they actually worship someone called Pan, who’s half goat and has horns. Pepper insists that Pan must be the devil if he has horns. With a sigh, Adam accuses her of being too literal. It’s people like her who buy into “grass materialism” and put holes in the ozone layer. Wensleydale adds that they also need to save the whales.

As the Them debate how intelligent whales are, they suddenly hear squealing breaks and a crunch. Running up the lane, they find an upside-down car that seems to have dodged a hole—as they look at the hole, a head quickly slips back into it. The Them pull the unconscious Newt out of the car and decide to bring him down the road to the Jasmine Cottage. Here, Anathema is already ready with first-aid items. Newt isn’t what she’d hoped for: he’s tall with dark hair, but he’s not handsome. Newt wakes up in Anathema’s bedroom. He asks if his car is okay and adds that he swerved to avoid a Tibetan in the road.

Anathema steps into Newt’s sight and says that she’s never met a witch-finder before. Embarrassed to tell her that he’s just a wages clerk by day, Newt lies that that he’s a computer engineer. Anathema introduces herself as a witch and says that Newt is 30 minutes late. She gives him a small piece of cardboard to read. Newt notices sadly that most of Jasmine Cottage’s parlor is littered with newspapers and clippings, but he’s drawn to a clock on the wall. Anathema explains that her ancestor, Joshua Device, built it. He also invented the bit that made it possible to build accurate clocks cheaply, so they named it after him.

Newt isn’t willing to believe what Anathema is telling him. He looks back at the card she gave him: on one side is one of Agnes’s nearly unintelligible predictions, and on the other side is Anathema’s translation. It predicts Newt’s car crash and Anathema and Newt’s introduction. Anathema tells Newt about their shared ancestors and Agnes’s book. Newt is incredulous that Agnes correctly predicted he’d crash his car, but Anathema explains that Agnes was the worst prophet because she was always right. She only picked up fragments of information, and it’s so specific that it’s usually impossible to know what she meant until the event in question is over. Knowing the future doesn’t help unless you know what it means—and being a 17th-century witch, Agnes didn’t know what a lot of things meant.

Anathema continues that Agnes was pretty good about predicting things relating to her descendants. Agnes thought of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies as a family heirloom that would allow her to look after her descendants after she was gone. Ever since the family realized this, they’ve been trying to interpret the prophecies. There are more prophecies as they get closer to the end of the world, which will be in about six hours. Newt feels the urge to drink alcohol for the first time, so Anathema pulls out some gin.

Relaxing, Newt asks if he told Anathema about the Tibetan. She’s unsurprised—two came out in her front lawn yesterday, confused as to how to get home. Newt suggests that they could’ve gotten a ride on the flying saucer. Anathema has also heard about the aliens; she tells Newt that Agnes foretold all of this. She pulls out a card index and pushes a card toward him: it mentions “menne of crocus” and “green manne from thee Skye,” and it includes Anathema’s notes. She explains that she goes through the papers every day, but she never knows if Agnes is referencing something tiny or significant.

Meanwhile, the Them look down into the hole in the road. Adam says that they should get a medal for rescuing Newt from a blazing wreck, but Pepper reminds Adam that the car wasn’t on fire. Adam is getting bored with Tibetans now, so Pepper suggests that they head over to the farm and help them dip their sheep. Adam, however, says that they should do something about the whales and the forests. Then, in a serious tone, he tells Dog that it’s people like him who are eating all the whales. Something odd is happening in Adam’s head: it aches, and he’s experiencing odd thoughts that say he can do anything he wants. The world is rotten, and Adam is here to make it all better.

The other Them continue to discuss whales and rainforests until Adam snaps at them. He spits that everyone else is ruining the world, and there will be nothing left for them when they grow up. Adam’s mood makes the world seem frightening. Brian suggests that Adam stop reading, but Adam ignores him. He says that just when you think the world is full of wonders like pirates and spacemen, you learn that the world is just dead whales, nuclear waste, and felled forests. It’s not worth growing up for that. The sky suddenly turns yellow, and Adam says in an odd voice that the world should just start again. He pats Dog.

Adam says that sometimes, he wishes nuclear bombs would go off, and then they could start again. Pepper shivers and notes that if the bombs go off, they won’t be around to fix anything. Adam brightens up and says that the four of them will be fine and will have the world to themselves—they can play War with real armies of Adam’s making. He points to Pepper and says that she can have Russia, Wensleydale can have America, and Brian can have Africa and Europe. Dog will get Australia, since he needs space to run and chase rabbits. Wensleydale shrieks that there won’t be any rabbits, but Adam ignores him.

While this is going on, Anathema patiently explains to Newt that Agnes didn’t see the future; she was remembering it, albeit poorly. Newt reminds himself to be professional, but he can’t ignore that there’s a woman next to him. He glances at her notebooks and thinks about Tadfield. It is an odd area—it’s like most of the 20th century ignored it. Anathema shows Newt a few more cards that mention a male figure dividing the world into four, a “Great Hound” arriving and being named “True to Ittes Nature” while “Two Powers” watch in vain, and a number of people riding to bring the end.

Despite the evidence suggesting that what’s happening is real, Newt cannot ignore that he’s sitting with an attractive woman who doesn’t hate him. He suggests that they go for a walk, but Anathema insists that there’s something affecting the area around Tadfield. She tells Newt that she can’t figure out what or where it is, since it moves around, but lots of prophecies say that the Antichrist must arrive before Armageddon does. The problem is, she can’t spot him—and there’s no evil here, just love. It seems impossible that Armageddon would start here, where anyone would love to raise kids. Anathema is almost able to grasp the thought she’s looking for, but Newt interrupts her by asking about the Tadfield Airbase on the map. Meanwhile, on the radio, someone mentions new South American rainforests. It starts to hail.

As Adam leads the Them into the quarry, Dog follows with his tail between his legs. He doesn’t think this is right—he just got the hang of rats, and now he’ll have to go back to chasing souls, which seems pointless. Wensleydale, Brian, and Pepper feel helpless to resist Adam, while Adam isn’t thinking at all. He insists that they’ll be fine, and that he’ll make them new parents when it’s all over. He tells his friends that afterwards, they can fill the world up with cowboys, policemen, and spacemen. The others, though, can’t quite articulate their horror at the idea of “real pretend” cowboys and spacemen.

In a city elsewhere in the world, there’s a tree in a plaza. It only gets poor light through the glass dome above it. As Jaime Hernez opens his lunchbox, he realizes that the tree is moving. The roots are crawling in the dirt, and Jaime directs one root to a crack in the concrete. Outside, he sees the street heaving as saplings come up. Jaime realizes that his tree isn’t growing because it doesn’t have light. He shatters the glass, and the tree bursts out of the dome as it starts to rain.

Meanwhile, a whaling ship is having trouble locating any sea life. Any fish their technology does find is swimming away fast. The navigator notes that their instruments are failing—the seabed reads 15,000 meters instead of 200 meters. The instruments start to correct themselves. But deep below, the kraken is rising—it doesn’t appreciate the tiny metal thing above it.

Suddenly, the windows of Jasmine Cottage shatter. Newt and Anathema cling to each other, and Newt asks what’s supposed to happen next. Anathema offers him a card that mentions letting “harts enjoin” and reaching for each other as red, white, black, and pale approach. Newt jokes about Agnes wanting him and Anathema to get together, but privately, he feels weird. He hates Agnes for making life so complicated, but then he realizes that life isn’t that complicated. He thinks of all the things that he hasn’t done as he and Anathema reach for each other.

Shadwell, busy bringing the WA books up to date, hears a ping. Newt’s pin is no longer on the map. Muttering, he puts it back in—but it flies out. When Shadwell tries to hold the pin, it burns his finger. He rummages through the WA’s cashbox and finds petty change. Unwilling to ask Mr. Rajit or Madame Tracy for money, Shadwell decides to ask the “southern pansy” for money to get to Tadfield. Shadwell figures he shouldn’t annoy the southerner in sunglasses, but the other one should be easy to threaten.

Aziraphale has been debating for 12 hours about whether to tell Crowley—he wants to, but he knows that he should tell Heaven. Privately, Aziraphale suspects that he and Crowley have more in common with each other than with their superiors—for one, they both like the world. Aziraphale decides that it’d be true to the spirit of his pact with Crowley if he tipped Heaven off. Then, he and Crowley can deal with the Antichrist and save the world. He ignores a knock at the shop door, pulls up his carpet to reveal a chalked circle, and lights candles and incense. In the middle of the circle, he says “the Words.”

A blue shaft of light shoots down, and a voice says, “Well?” It seems unimpressed when Aziraphale says that he can give Heaven the Antichrist’s address so that Heaven can stop Armageddon from happening. In a flat tone, the voice praises Aziraphale. Aziraphale persists—the sea doesn’t have to turn to blood. The voice asks why not, since they have to beat the dark forces and win the war. Aziraphale ignores the scraping noises near the door and asks who he’s speaking to. It’s the Metatron. The Metatron confirms that Aziraphale will join Heaven’s army and shares that Armageddon will start with a nuclear exchange. The Metatron bids Aziraphale goodbye, but it leaves the light on. Aziraphale knows that he can’t escape.

Aziraphale creeps to his phone and dials Crowley’s number. After four rings, Crowley’s voice says that he’s not in. Aziraphale hisses at Crowley to shut up and says that it’s in Tadfield. When he realizes he got Crowley’s answering machine, Aziraphale curses for the first time in 6,000 years and dials Crowley’s other number. Crowley picks up, but he sounds troubled—and he isn’t alone. Suddenly, Aziraphale hears a noise behind him and turns around to find Shadwell, trembling with excitement.

Shadwell saw everything and knows that Aziraphale is using him. Aziraphale hangs up on Crowley as Shadwell backs up. He grabs Aziraphale’s bell, The Nice and Accurate Prophecies, and his lighter. The circle glows blue as Shadwell starts to speak and walk forward. Aziraphale tells Shadwell to stay out of the circle and rushes forward to keep him from stepping into it—but Aziraphale curses again when he realizes that he’s in the circle. Aziraphale vanishes. Shadwell leaves and slams the door, making one of Aziraphale’s candles tip over.

Crowley’s flat in London is clean and stylish—because he doesn’t live there. But it has all the fanciest gadgets and technology, including an ansaphone (answering machine) and a computer. (Crowley sent the computer warranty, which absolves the company of any responsibility, Below to the department that draws up Immortal Soul agreements.) The only thing in his flat he loves are his houseplants, which he threatens into growing beautifully. He also owns Da Vinci’s original sketch for the Mona Lisa. Crowley has been in his flat for a while, waiting for the end of the world. He tried to call Shadwell for an update, but Madame Tracy informed him that Shadwell was out.

Crowley eventually turns on the TV: a newscaster says that odd things are happening, but a voice from Hell interrupts to address Crowley directly. It says that they’ve taken Warlock to the Fields of Megiddo, and he’s clearly not Satan’s son. The voice asks Crowley for an explanation. It says that Crowley is going to have all the time in the world to explain, and that this will be entertaining for everyone else in Hell. Crowley turns the TV off, but the screen keeps talking. It says that Crowley will “be collected.” Outside, Crowley can see a car-shaped thing coming down the street. Most demons aren’t strictly evil—but Hastur and Ligur are evil enough to pass for human.

Crowley fetches a bucket from the kitchen, takes the Mona Lisa sketch down, and opens the safe behind it. Inside is a flask, a pair of heavy gloves, and tongs. Crowley can hear crashes downstairs as he grabs the items in the safe, his bucket, and his plant mister. In his office, he pulls on the gloves and carefully dumps the contents of the flask into the bucket. He balances the bucket on his cracked office door and then sits at his desk, plant mister in hand. When he hears Hastur and Ligur enter, he calls that he’s in the office.

Ligur says he wants a word with Crowley, and he pushes the door open. The bucket falls neatly on his head, and Ligur screams and dissolves. Hastur snarls that Crowley had no reason to use holy water on Ligur, since Ligur hadn’t done anything. Crowley threateningly raises his plant mister and hears his ansaphone catch a phone call. Hastur waves his hand, dissolving the mister. Crowley doesn’t have a plan C. When the phone rings again, he picks it up: it’s Aziraphale, and perplexingly, Aziraphale hangs up. Crowley suddenly knows what he’s going to do. He tells Hastur that he’s passed the test; the Lords of Hell know that he’s trustworthy now. Crowley dials a number and vanishes.

Crowley moves quickly down a phone line, Hastur a few inches behind him. Crowley listens for three rings and then stops suddenly. Hastur shoots past him, and Crowley returns to his body in his lounge. His ansaphone beeps, and Hastur screams at him out of it. Crowley wishes that he had more holy water in which to dissolve the machine. He considers putting the tape in his car until Hastur turns into Freddie Mercury, but he decides that this is too much. Crowley gets into his Bentley and drives.

Madame Tracy hears Shadwell coming up the stairs more slowly than usual. Though he protests, she leads him into her flat. He’s surprised that it’s not draped in silks, though it does have a beaded curtain and a crystal ball in the middle of the table. Madame Tracy assures Shadwell that Newt will be fine, and then she tucks him into her bed. Shadwell decides to nap and then head back out to fight the Powers of Darkness. While Shadwell sleeps, Madame Tracy holds a séance in 20 minutes. She understands that when it comes to the occult, people just want to know that Mother is fine in the afterlife.

It’s early afternoon. The firefighters hope that it will start to rain soon—they know that the building will be a loss. A Bentley skids around the corner, and Crowley leaps out, racing for the bookshop’s door. He enters the blazing bookshop, shouting for Aziraphale, but Aziraphale doesn’t answer. Crowley turns when he hears glass break, and water hits him straight in the chest, knocking him over. His sunglasses fly off and melt, revealing yellow eyes with vertical pupils. Crowley curses everything Above and Below and then notices The Book; he picks it up and leaves the collapsing building. The firefighters just stare as Crowley drives away. With a deafening thunderclap, it begins to rain.

Meanwhile, the red-haired woman rides a blood-red motorcycle with a sword strapped to it. Her black leather jacket reads “Hell’s Angels” in ruby studs. When she enters the Happy Porker Café, she orders a sandwich and takes a seat. A group of bikers are gathered around a very tall biker still wearing his helmet, playing Trivia Scrabble on a machine. The tallest biker ignores the others as they argue over the answers. When the woman sits down, the Sport category transforms to War. Two of the bikers, Greaser and Pigbog, discuss this. Pigbog wishes that there were more Bible questions.

Soon, a black motorcycle pulls up outside; its rider, Black, joins the woman, Red. Suddenly, every biker in the café is ravenous—but the kitchen is out of food. The category Famine pops up on the trivia game. As Red and Black discuss the brewing thunderstorm and their upcoming ride, another motorcycle pulls up. It’s not hard to imagine this motorcycle leaving behind clouds of black smoke and oil slicks. Black orders four teas from the counter as a young man dressed in dirty white leathers enters. Suddenly, the entire café seems coated in a thin layer of grime.

Now, the available categories are War, Famine, Pollution, and Pop Trivia. The tall biker refuses to press any of the buttons that the crowd tells him to press and says that he never touched Elvis. At this, the three people at the table ask the tall biker how long he’s been here. He says that he never left, and he joins War, Famine, and Pollution (who took over when Pestilence left, after the invention of penicillin). The other bikers, baffled, notice that the four strangers all have Hell’s Angels on their jackets and look too clean to be real bikers. A biker named Big Ted approaches and asks what chapter of Hell’s Angels the four belong to. Pigbog’s skin turns ashy when the tall biker—Death—shows his face and answers with, “REVELATIONS, CHAPTER SIX.” Pigbog understands that they’re in trouble, but Big Ted asks what bikes the four are riding.

In the quarry, the Them huddle around Adam, who seems somehow bigger than normal. Dog sits and growls, thinking that he’s going to lose all the great smells that Earth has to offer. Adam marches excitedly, talking about getting the jungles to grow again and how, when all this is over, they’ll never have to do anything they don’t want to do.

In the Kookamundi Hills sits a man named Johnny Two Bones. Suddenly, in precise English, Johnny asks where he is. Johnny figures that it must be an ancestor talking, and he asks why it’s talking like that. In a disgusted tone, Johnny says that he’s in Australia. Aziraphale moves on. Next, Aziraphale enters the body of a Haitian Voodoun priest, and then, that of a born-again Christian televangelist named Marvin. Marvin steps to the center of the stage and tells the cameras what’s going to happen, according to Revelation. War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death will ride out and bring about nuclear destruction, and then the Rapture will come. When this happens, True Believers will be swept up into the sky and saved—and everyone else will burn as Heaven and Hell engage in a great war. Heaven will win.

Suddenly, Marvin starts to speak in a different voice. He says that there will be fire and war, but nobody has time to pick up believers so they can sneer at everyone else dying. Furthermore, the idea that Heaven will inevitably win is just propaganda—people would be better off sending money to Satanists to be on the safe side. Then, Aziraphale asks where he is. He answers his own question—he’s in America.

Meanwhile, Crowley can’t find extra sunglasses in his Bentley. He shoves a Bach tape into the slot, and Freddie Mercury sings to him. Lightning flashes above as Crowley sits back and flips through The Nice and Accurate Prophecies. In the back of the book, he finds Aziraphale’s notes. His stomach sinks. The Bentley switches direction and heads for Tadfield, an hour’s drive away. When the cassette finishes, the radio switches on: it’s Gardeners’ Question Time, and they’re discussing that people are losing flowers to rains of fish. Suddenly, a voice comes out of the radio. It tells Crowley that Hell will win the war, but it won’t make any difference for Crowley—all Crowley can do is hope for mercy.

Crowley is tired, scared, and suddenly very angry—his superiors Below talk to him like he’s a misbehaving houseplant. The Bentley veers onto the M25, but something about the road now it hurts Crowley’s eyes. He hears sounds of traffic and angry people chanting, “Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds,” in a secret tongue. Crowley swings the Bentley around. He made the M25 into the dreaded sigil Odegra, and he did a good job—but was it necessary? Crowley smiles and conjures a pair of sunglasses—if he’s going to go, he’s going to go in style.

The Four Horsemen ride with Big Ted, Greaser, Pigbog, and Skuzz behind them. The storm and the traffic are deafening—but behind the horsemen, it’s silent. The bikers begin to debate what they’re going to be, since they’re the other Bikers of the Apocalypse. Big Ted decides to be Grievous Bodily Harm, Skuzz takes the name Embarrassing Personal Problems, and Greaser names himself Cruelty to Animals. They all inform Pigbog that he can’t be Ansaphones, even if ansaphones are problems of modern life. They follow Death, Famine, War, and Pollution toward Tadfield.

Madame Tracy has three people at her sitting. She asks her guests to link hands and does her shopping list in her head as she waits the two minutes to make contact with the Spirit World—any more or less time and the guests don’t buy it. When time is up, she lets her head loll. Mrs. Ormerod explains to another guest what’s happening and, annoyed that she’s being upstaged, Madame Tracy moans. After another minute of silence to build suspense, Madame Tracy speaks. Mrs. Ormerod asks after her late husband, but Madame Tracey knows to make Mrs. Ormerod wait until the end. Otherwise, she’ll spend the entire session telling her husband every boring detail of the last week.

Madame Tracy gives another guest a message of good news, and then she says that there’s someone else coming through. In a very different voice, Madame Tracey asks if anyone speaks German or French. Mrs. Ormerod asks if Ron is there, and in a testy tone, the voice says that there is a Ron around. The voice tells Mrs. Ormerod that she can only speak to Ron for a moment, because whomever the voice belongs to is trying to avert the apocalypse. In Ron’s voice, Madame Tracy says hello—and then tells Mrs. Ormerod to shut up. Suddenly, in her own voice, Madame Tracy stands and pushes everyone out of the room. Then, she makes two cups of tea and angrily asks the voice for a good explanation. 

A semi-truck has spilled its load all over the highway. It was supposed to be filled with corrugated iron, but the police are fixated on the fish everywhere—they think they must have come from the truck. The truckdriver, however, says that the fish fell from the sky and caused him to crash. Another police officer gets on his radio to tell his superiors that they need to shut down all the southbound lanes.

Meanwhile, as Anathema gets up to shower, Newt tells her that the sex was wonderful. When Anathema comes out of the bathroom, he suggests that they do it again, but she says they’re only supposed to do it once—Agnes said so. She hands Newt a card. He reads it, blushes, and hands it back; Anathema’s relatives have written encouraging comments in the margin.

Shadwell is dreaming that he’s watching Agnes walk to the pyre. She says something that Shadwell can’t hear to the crowd and then looks to the sky. Then, she says, “That goes for yowe as well, howe daft old foole.” Shadwell suddenly realizing that burning is a horrible way to die—and just then, thunder crashes, waking him up. It takes him a minute to realize that he’s looking at his own reflection in a mirror above the bed. He doesn’t remember his dream. He gets up and leaves the bedroom but stops short when hears Madame Tracy talking to the Southern pansy. Shadwell sputters when Aziraphale speaks through Madame Tracy and tells him to sit down and listen. Shadwell only does as he’s told when Madame Tracy calls him an “old silly.”

As the four bikers make their way down the road, they see signs reading that the southbound lanes are closed. But the bikers ignore the warnings—they’re following the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Meanwhile, Adam excitedly says that it’ll be great to get rid of other people’s mistakes and build a better world, just for the Them.

Back in Madame Tracy’s flat, Aziraphale asks Shadwell if he’s familiar with the Book of Revelation. Shadwell isn’t—he only cares about one Bible verse, which concerns witches—but lies that he is. He also says that he’s familiar with the Antichrist, since he saw half a movie about it. Aziraphale tells him that the Antichrist is alive and bringing about Armageddon—and Shadwell needs to kill him. Shadwell isn’t convinced until Aziraphale says that the Antichrist is “THE witch” and has lots of nipples. This prompts Shadwell to fetch his Thundergun while Madame Tracy pulls out helmets—they’ll take her scooter.

Meanwhile, a 30-foot wall of fish is blocking the road, and a police sergeant leaps on top of his car when a lobster tugs on his pant leg. He hears a roar and sees four motorcycles approaching at 100 mph. The sergeant tries to wave them away, but he only hears whooshes as they fly overhead. Behind the first four bikers are four more—and they thud into the tower of fish. Only Skuzz survives.

Traffic is stopped everywhere in London, so Crowley takes the opportunity to reread Aziraphale’s notes and Agnes Nutter’s prophecies. He concludes that Armageddon is happening in Tadfield, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Aziraphale seems to be out of the picture, and it seems like Crowley should just find a nice restaurant and get drunk. But Crowley is an optimist: even though the odds are against him, he knows that he needs to get to Tadfield. He decides that it’s time for drastic measures, so he turns on the Bentley’s lights and drives onto the sidewalk.

Ten people sit in a room, each with a telephone: they’re telemarketers trying to sell people double-glazing and bathtubs. One young woman dials the number of a Mr. Crowley and gets the ansaphone—but something climbs out of her phone. It looks like an angry, screaming maggot. The thing splits into thousands of maggots that instantly consume the telemarketers. After spending 30 minutes trapped in Crowley’s ansaphone listening to Aziraphale’s message, Hastur is in a foul mood. When the smoke clears, there are only skeletons left. On the bright side, though, this just proves that evil contains the seeds of its own destruction—now, instead of answering annoying calls from telemarketers, millions of people will have a happy afternoon.

Having been driven down the sidewalk, the Bentley now looks like it’s been in a hundred demolition derbies. All that separates Crowley from the highway to Tadfield is the M25, which nothing mortal can cross and survive. Crowley isn’t sure what it’ll do to him, but he crashes through the police roadblock anyway. The Bentley begins to smoke as flames engulf it. Crowley fumbles for the Nice and Accurate Prophecies, wondering if Agnes predicted this. She did—she wrote that “the black chariot of the Serpent will flayme, and a Queene will sing quickfilveres songes no moar.”

Thunder rumbles overhead, but the quarry is calm—aside from Dog, who’s howling “like a small dog in deep trouble.” Adam says that he has friends coming as Pepper sits deep in thought. Finally, she asks what bit of the world Adam gets, and Wensleydale notes that there’s not much world left now that Adam has divided it up. Suddenly, Dog stops howling and looks at Adam. Adam says that he only wants Tadfield and the surrounding areas, so he can make the trees and ponds better. But Wensleydale says that’s impossible—Tadfield is real, and it can’t get any better. Adam tells his friends not to worry, because he can just make them do whatever he wants.

When Adam realizes what he’s saying, he stops, horrified. The Them back away as Adam’s face collapses. Adam commands his friends to come back and they stop. He says that he didn’t mean it; they’re his friends. At this, Adam’s body jerks. He raises his fist and screams a sound that a mortal shouldn’t be able to make. When Adam stops, something drains away. Now, the being standing in the quarry is Adam Young. He’s more knowledgeable and more Adam Young than he’s ever been before. The Them, now freed, stare at Adam. Adam says that it’s all right, and that he knows everything. They have to work together to stop it from happening.

Newt takes the coldest shower of his life, and when he gets out, the sky is red. Anathema interrupts Newt’s manic muttering to ask if he thinks the sky is blood-colored, but Newt thinks that it’s pinker than blood. Anathema says that she needs to cross-reference one of the cards, but Newt tells her not to bother. He knows what card number 3477 means—it’s talking about the air base, and there’s probably someone there getting ready to launch missiles. Anathema doesn’t buy it.

Crowley is driving 110 mph toward Tadfield; his teeth are clenched, and a red glow is coming from behind his sunglasses. He’s intent on finishing the journey in his Bentley, not that the car looks much like a Bentley (or even a car) anymore. There’s no paint left, and it’s traveling in a ball of flame; its melted tires are an inch off the pavement. Crowley is gritting his teeth with the effort of holding the car together. He hasn’t felt like this since the 14th century.

Adam begs his friends to help him sort everything out. He asks them to think about Greasy Johnson, the leader of the rival gang in Tadfield. Adam points out that the Them nearly always win their skirmishes, and Pepper says that the Them are better than the Johnsonites. Adam asks his friends to imagine what it’d be like if they could send away Greasy Johnson. Brian says that this would be great, but Pepper doesn’t think that life would be interesting without a rival gang. Wensleydale notes that if they asked people around Tadfield, they’d probably say that the world would be better without either the Johnsonites or the Them.

Adam sums up everyone’s thoughts: it wouldn’t be any fun if either the Greasy Johnsonites or the Them beat the other. Wensleydale says that this seems awfully simple to have taken thousands of years to sort out. Pepper snaps that that’s because men were trying to sort it out, and Wensleydale accuses her of taking sides. Adam suggests that they can make their own side and tells his friends to fetch their bikes—they need to talk to some people.

Madame Tracy, Shadwell, and Aziraphale weave in and out of stopped traffic at about five miles per hour. Madame Tracy tells Shadwell to hold onto her, and he grudgingly readjusts. After another 10 minutes, Aziraphale points out that it’ll take them 10 hours to get to Tadfield. He tells Shadwell to hold on tightly—with a whoosh, the scooter is gone.

Where the highway to Tadfield intersects with the M25, there are now twice as many police as when Crowley crossed the divide. One officer insists that a vintage car made it over in flames, but an army technician insists that’s impossible—the temperature above the M25 reads as both 700°C and -140°C. Suddenly, the assembled officers hear a high-pitched noise, and a white motor scooter flies overhead.

As Newt drives the Wasabi toward the air base, Anathema moans that she won’t be able to sort the cards out now that they’ve fallen on the floor. But Newt insists that any card she picks up will be significant—Agnes will have predicted it, after all. He says that it’s more important to figure out what they’re going to say when they get to the air base, since there will be guards with real guns. Anathema tells him that Agnes was very good about predicting when people were going to be shot. She then says that she read about how computers are the tools of the Devil, which Newt believes. Suddenly, he slams on the brakes—they’ve arrived at the entrance of the air base.

Newt tells Anathema to pick a card. The card reads, “Behinde the eagle’s neste a grate ash hath fellen.” Anathema tells Newt to keep driving around the side, to where local lovers hang out. They get out, and she leads him to a fallen ash tree—Agnes was right. They walk past a guard and decide to wait around to see what happens next.

Meanwhile, Adam pedals along on his bike as Dog runs excitedly behind. Pepper joins Adam on her own noisy bike, and Brian and Wensleydale soon follow. Wensleydale’s bike is black and sensible, while Brian’s white bike is covered in mud. Pepper announces that it’s stupid to call the place they’re going a military base—there aren’t any weapons, just knobs and dials. Adam notes that you can do amazing things with knobs and dials, like tell everyone in the world to start fighting each other.

R. P. Tyler, the Chairman of the Lower Tadfield Residents’ Association, stomps down the lane with his wife’s miniature poodle. He knows right from wrong and believes it’s his responsibility to tell the world, which he does by writing to the Tadfield Advertiser whenever anyone does anything bad. Presently, Tyler surveys the fallen branches and blames the weather forecasters for the bad weather. Suddenly, four people on motorcycles zoom past him. He yells, “Vandals!” after them. But when Tyler comes around the corner, he finds the bikers stopped at a fallen signpost.

Tyler prepares to tell the bikers off, but one of them asks for directions to the air base. Tyler loves giving directions, and he gives them overly complicated instructions of how to get to the base. Three of the bikers are confused, but the tall, quiet man says that he understands. As the bikers climb back onto their bikes, Pollution drops a chip bag. Tyler scolds him for this, but Pollution says that he wishes everyone would litter. Moments after Death leads his fellows away, the Them pass Tyler and stop when he shouts. Tyler insists that it’s past their bedtime and threatens to tell Mr. Young. Adam sullenly says that they’re headed for the air base and then leads his friends away. Their route is far simpler than the one Tyler gave the bikers.

After the Them ride away, R. P. Tyler is mentally composing a long letter about the failings of today’s youth when the sound of Madame Tracy’s motor scooter interrupts his thoughts. Madame Tracy asks for directions to Lower Tadfield, and she then changes her voice and says that she’s looking for Adam Young. Madame Tracy is aghast when Tyler says that Adam is only a boy, and the other voice speaks through Madame Tracy to confirm that Adam is only 11.

Tyler realizes that he’s speaking to a ventriloquist—the old man on the back of the scooter must be the ventriloquist’s dummy. He tells them that Adam just ran off to the air base and then asks Madame Tracy if she does functions. Her voice changes again as she asks for directions, and Tyler just points. Then, the dummy opens its eyes and insults Tyler. Tyler is disappointed—he’d hoped it would be more realistic.

Ten minutes from the village, R. P. Tyler stops and stares at the cows, which are somersaulting. He smells something burning. Behind him, a young man in sunglasses leans out of a burning car and asks for directions to the Lower Tadfield Air Base. Tyler figures that the man knows his car is on fire, so he tries not to stare as he gives Crowley directions. As Crowley drives away, Tyler can’t help himself—he tells Crowley that his car is on fire.

Meanwhile, Mr. Young is in his garden, smoking his pipe. Deirdre has recently banned smoking in the house, and this doesn’t help his mood. It also doesn’t help that R. P. Tyler is shouting at him and calling him “Young.” Tyler tells Mr. Young that Adam isn’t home, getting ready for bed, like Mr. Young thought—rather, he and his friends are cycling toward the air base. He reminds Mr. Young that Adam loves to press buttons. Mr. Young harrumphs and goes inside.

At the same moment, four motorcycles stop near the main gate of the air base. Three of them remove their helmets. War wishes they could crash through the fence, but Famine notes that if people react logically to what seems like a terrorist attack, the whole Plan will collapse. Death says that they’ll go in, do the job, and let human nature take its course. War and Pollution note that this isn’t what they thought it would be like, and War asks if they were supposed to meet someone. When she asks again where “he” is, Death says that this is a job for professionals.

Later, Sergeant Deisenburger recalls an official-looking car pulling up to the gate (though it sounds a bit like a motorcycle). Four generals get out and offer some kind of identification. One of them says that they’re here for a surprise inspection, and after some haggling, Famine and Pollution talk Sergeant Deisenburger into letting them in. No one stops the four generals as they enter one of the long, low buildings. It’s possible that no one saw them—people are good at not seeing War, Famine, Pollution, and Death when they don’t want to be seen. The alarms in the base, however, are trigged. Outside, Newt goes pale.

Inside, War looks around. She, Pollution, and Famine know what computers are, but Death doesn’t. She thinks that there might one day be an end to War, Famine, and Pollution, but never to Death. This is probably why he doesn’t fit in with them. As War runs her hands over the electronics, she thinks it feels like holding a sword. This particular sword encloses the whole world—and mankind hasn’t done a good job of keeping it from accidental misuse.

The guard on the fence is perplexed by Newt’s identification card. Suddenly, he feels something pressing into his back. Anathema tells him to drop his gun, hoping that he listens—if he doesn’t, he’ll find out that she just has a stick. Meanwhile, at the main gate, Sgt. Deisenburger struggles to deal with a muttering old man and a middle-aged woman who keeps interrupting herself in a different voice. At the same time, the Them’s four bikes stop not far away from the base. Adam is trying to keep ahold of himself, but it’s a struggle. He knows that his friends are entirely human—and this is going to get them into big trouble. He says they need to come up with a sword, a crown, and scales.

A car pulls up, floating inches off the ground—it’s almost entirely destroyed. Crowley steps out and asks if the world has ended yet. Aziraphale greets him, but Crowley barely acknowledges him. He doesn’t feel well, since he spent the last 30 miles imagining that the burning Bentley was still a car. As Crowley pats what’s left of the Bentley, the gate starts to rise, and four bikes and a dog zip through. Shaken, Sgt. Deisenburger raises his gun. Aziraphale tells Crowley to deal with this—but then he snaps his fingers, and Sgt. Deisenburger disappears. Crowley compliments Aziraphale and advises that he shouldn’t worry about sending people somewhere nice. Then, he asks for an introduction to Aziraphale’s new body. After greeting Madame Tracy, Crowley sees a jeep coming their way.

The Them park their bikes outside one of the low buildings. Adam tells his friends that they’re looking for grownups who look particularly grown-up. He assures his friends that they won’t have to fight—they just have to do as he said. As Adam looks around, an exasperated lieutenant shouts at him. Adam tells the lieutenant and all the soldiers to go to sleep. The lieutenant pitches forward, and Adam tells Pepper that he’s finally learned how to hypnotize people.

All over the world, switches weld shut, steel doors close, and men stare at their computer screens in horror. Electricity flows where it shouldn’t as cities go dark. In the building on the air base, Death straightens up and says that he’s here. War, Pollution, and Famine now seem to have “ill-fitting bodies.” Only Death hasn’t changed. As the Four leave the building, Anathema and Newt notice their strange appearance. Anathema and Newt have been hiding in the building since before the Four entered—now, they can safely speak. Anathema notes that they had auras like black holes.

Anathema looks around at the rows of metal cabinets; the machinery doesn’t look like it’ll allow any last-minute heroism. She can’t tell what’s supposed to “take[] its course,” as specified in the prophecy. Newt starts to poke around and snaps that he doesn’t know how to fix this.

Adam looks up. The air looks clear—but if he looks closely, he can see angels and demons waiting. The Four step out of the building, now looking even less human. Adam tells his friends that they’re not real, they’re just nightmares. Brian points to Pollution and notes that he’s melting, but Adam says this means it’s not real. The Four stop a few yards away, and Death tells the Them that it’s done. Adam replies that he doesn’t want it to be done. Behind them, a jeep screeches to a halt. Death notes that Adam’s existence requires the world to end—it’s been written. Calmly, Adam says that it doesn’t matter what’s written. He wants to find out about all the brilliant things in the world, so they can’t mess it up yet. He tells the Four to go away.

Meanwhile, Aziraphale points the Antichrist out to Shadwell, sounding uncertain. War tells Adam that he’s part of them, while Pollution says that they’re making the world anew. Famine says that Adam is supposed to lead them. Adam hesitates. He hears voices inside saying that this is true—all he has to do is lead them, and these are “his kind of people.” Behind them, Shadwell exclaims that Adam is just a kid, so he can’t shoot him. Adam looks at the Them. They’re his kind of people too, and he tells his friends to get the Four.

War laughs and tells the boys that she can make them fall in love with her, but Pepper steps forward and raises a sword made from two sticks. War raises her sword too, and the swords connect. War’s sword falls down onto the path, Adam snaps not to touch it. Brian whines that War was sucked up into the sword. Suddenly, the air begins to vibrate as Wensleydale raises something that, with imagination, might be scales. He whirls it around, and Famine disappears, his scales falling. Then, Brian pulls a circle of grass from his head and flings it. Pollution disappears in a cloud of smoke, his crown falling to the ground.

Wensleydale asks where War, Pollution, and Famine went, and Death says that they’ve gone where they belong—back into people’s minds. With a tearing noise, Death’s robes split, and dark wings emerge. He introduces himself as Azrael, creation’s shadow; he can’t be destroyed, as destroying him would destroy the world. Adam grins and says that it’s time to stop. With a shrug, Death says that it’s stopping already, now that the other Horsepeople are gone. He salutes Adam and says that they’ll be back. Then, Death vanishes.

Meanwhile, Newt stares at the electronics. Anathema suggests they consult Agnes’s prophecies, but Newt bitterly points out that a 17th-century witch won’t be much help. Anathema says that Newt just has to stop it working, not fix it. She pulls out a card that reads, “He is Not that Which He Says he Is.” Newt admits that he’s not actually a computer engineer—he breaks every electronic thing he touches. Anathema smiles theatrically and tells Newt to repair the machinery. Newt puts a hand on top of the nearest cabinet, and suddenly, most of the lights go out. All over the world, switches start to work again, and “Civilization stop[s] its slide into chaos.”

Outside, Aziraphale crows that Adam didn’t want to do it and is actually good at the core, but Crowley says that it’s not over. Adam notices the angel and the demon, and for the first time, Crowley feels real terror—Below can hurt him, but Adam seems capable of making it so that Crowley never existed at all. Adam looks at Madame Tracy and says that it’s not right to be two people. Aziraphale is suddenly sitting next to Madame Tracy, and Shadwell looks jealously at him. Crowley gloomily says that people think wars start because a duke is shot—but what actually causes war is when two sides can’t stand the sight of each other.

Crowley congratulates Adam for saving the world, but he suggests that it won’t make a difference. Aziraphale agrees—he thinks that his people want Armageddon. Anathema asks what’s going on, but as Aziraphale starts to explain, lightning flashes near Adam. The Metatron suddenly appears—and moments later, a figure that looks similar but darker rises out of the ground. The second figure speaks quietly to Adam, but Adam says that he doesn’t want it to happen. He introduces himself and asks the figure’s name. Crowley says that it’s Beelzebub.

The Metatron says that Armageddon must take place now—it might be temporarily inconvenient, but that shouldn’t get in the way of the “ultimate good.” Crowley whispers to Aziraphale that this means they have to destroy the world to save it. Adam says that he doesn’t see why everything needs to end now for no good reason, just to see who has the best gang. It’s like the Them and the Johnsonites—nobody really wants to win. Pointing to Crowley and Aziraphale, Adam says that they’ll just keep sending people like them to wreak havoc.

The Metatron says that it doesn’t matter, but Adam cuts it off. He snaps that he doesn’t see the point in creating people and getting upset because they act like people. If they stopped telling people that things would be sorted after they die, people might try harder while they’re alive. He suggests that people might try to think about the environment. Beelzebub interrupts and says that Adam wants to rule the world, like his father. Adam says that he’s thought about it, but he doesn’t want to rule. It’d be like having to tidy up everyone’s bedroom, and he has enough work keeping Pepper, Wensleydale, and Brian entertained. Confused, the Metatron says that Adam can’t refuse to be who he is—it’s part of the Great Plan. Beelzebub adds that this goes beyond simple rebellion.

Adam insists that he’s not rebelling—he’s just pointing things out. He again notes that if they’d stop messing with people, people might stop messing up the world. The Metatron says that this doesn’t make sense, and it implores Adam to think. Adam senses that the dark undercurrent in his mind is still there, ready to tell him to follow the Plan—but Adam is only 11, and he's exhausted. Crowley puts his head in his hands, but Aziraphale stands up.

Aziraphale asks if the Great Plan is the same thing as Ineffable Plan. In a flat voice, the Metatron replies that it’s the Great Plan that the world should last 6,000 years—but Aziraphale interrupts and asks again if it’s ineffable. The Metatron snaps that it’s the same thing, “surely,” and Crowley perks up, realizing that that they don’t actually know. Grinning, he points out that the Great Plan “can only be a tiny part of the overall ineffability.” Beelzebub shouts that it’s written, but Crowley and Aziraphale insist that it might be written differently somewhere else. Everyone looks toward Adam, who says that it doesn’t matter what’s written, because it can always be crossed out.

A breeze passes over the airfield, and everything falls silent. Crowley grabs Aziraphale’s arm and says that Adam grew up human—so he’s not Evil Incarnate or Good Incarnate. He’s a “human incarnate.” The Metatron and Beelzebub both sniff that they need further instructions. Finally, Aziraphale asks if it’s over. Crowley replies that it’s not over for them, though Adam assures Crowley and Aziraphale that they don’t need to worry. He suggests that everyone will be happier if they try to forget what happened.

Anathema cries that Adam should use this opportunity to do some good in the world, like bring back the whales. Adam notes that that won’t stop people from killing whales. He figures that he shouldn’t mess around with the natural order of things—the consequence for killing a whale should be a dead whale. Aziraphale suggests he and Crowley take Madame Tracy and Shadwell to dinner, and Adam tells the Them that it’s time to get home. Newt gently grabs Anathema’s arm as she tries to follow the children. Aziraphale offers his condolences to Crowley about the Bentley. Crowley sniffs—he smells something burning.

Horrified, Crowley looks at Aziraphale and says that it can’t happen—the moment is gone. The ground begins to shake, and Crowley shouts that Adam’s Father is coming. It feels like a volcano. Aziraphale reminds Crowley that there are humans here, and that they shouldn’t let this happen to them—they’ve done enough damage as it is in the course of their jobs. He points out that Crowley doesn’t have anything to lose, and Crowley realizes that Aziraphale is right. He feels free. He grabs a tire iron from under the seat, which he knows is useless but makes him feel better anyway. Aziraphale, meanwhile, picks up the sword that War dropped; with a whoosh, it catches fire. Aziraphale tells Crowley that if they die, he’ll know Crowley was good. Crowley retorts that Aziraphale was just unlikable enough to be likable.

Shadwell pushes between Crowley and Aziraphale, waving the Thundergun—he doesn’t trust “two Southern nancy boys” to kill anything. He asks who they’re fighting, and Aziraphale replies that they’re killing the Devil. Newt and Anathema watch the three of them walk forward. Aziraphale and Crowley’s coats split, revealing their wings (which look much the same). Newt shouts that they have to save Shadwell as Anathema finally recognizes Aziraphale. She says that if Aziraphale has damaged The Book, something awful is going to happen. As they all run forward, Adam looks around and moves his hand in a half circle.

Aziraphale and Crowley feel the world suddenly change. Where they once felt the start of a volcano, there’s now just a car pulling up. Mr. Young gets out of the car and shouts for Adam, but the Them race for the gate.

Sgt. Deisenburger opens his eyes; he’s in his childhood bedroom. Downstairs, his mother is taking an apple pie out of the oven. She says she thought that he was in England and notes that his father and brothers are down in the field. Sgt. Deisenburger takes off his helmet and tells his mother that if anyone calls, he’ll be in the field.

A van drives slowly up to the air base and passes the checkpoint. It parks near where Aziraphale and Crowley sit, sharing a bottle of wine. Crowley asks if He really planned it like this all along. Aziraphale allows that it’s possible and suggests they ask Him—but Crowley remembers that He’s not one for giving answers. The van driver gets out with a box and a pair of tongs. He uses the tongs to put the crown and scales back in the box, and then he asks Crowley and Aziraphale about a sword. Aziraphale stands up—he’s been sitting on the sword—and puts it in the box. The van driver thanks Aziraphale and asks him to sign.

When the van driver is gone, Crowley helps Aziraphale up and offers to drive them back to London. He takes a jeep, which suddenly has a cassette player, because Crowley expects all cars to have cassette players. He puts in a tape marked as Handel’s Water Music—and it plays Handel’s Water Music all the way to London.