Hotel World

Clare Wilby lies awake in her bed in the early hours of the morning. She speaks to herself in a long, continuous stream of thought, reflecting on the day, on her grief, and on her sister, Sara. She has returned from the Global Hotel, where she left with new shoes and a free breakfast, and now finds herself wired and unable to sleep. She tries to process what happened, reminding herself she already knew about the dumbwaiter accident from the newspapers.

Clare pictures Sara now as fast and untethered, like light, imagining her as capable of floating through the city, diving from windows without falling, treading air just as she once treaded water. She remembers the night Sara told her, unexpectedly, about possibly being tested for the national swimming team—if only she could shave off 0.45 seconds from her butterfly time. Clare thinks about how rare it was for her sister to share anything with her, and how amazing it would have been if Sara had achieved that goal.

Clare recalls how that conversation happened just a few days before Sara died. Since then, memories of her sister have arrived in scattered, disconnected pieces that feel intrusive and haunting. She admits these visions make her sick, particularly when they center on parts of Sara’s body that now feel grotesque or vulnerable. Her stomach twists when she imagines Sara’s breasts “staring” at her, and she remembers her father accusing Sara of having an “insolent chest,” a phrase that has stuck with her. Clare tries to distract herself by thinking of the food she ate at the hotel, but even that leads her back to thinking about Sara. She insists that she knows now, finally, that Sara did not mean to die. Though classmates and teachers at school seemed to believe it was suicide, Clare remembers that Sara had plans, ambitions, and a future.

Clare recalls one English class where the teacher was discussing Tess of the D’Urbervilles and a passage about death. Clare felt everyone’s eyes on her, even the boys, like they were waiting for her to acknowledge Sara’s death. But Clare had not been thinking about her sister in that moment, not until the weight of the class’s attention forced her to. Later that night, the thought consumed her—all those past May 24ths that Sara had lived through without knowing one would be her last. Clare thinks about Sara’s routines, from childhood breakfasts to daily walks to school, and remembers her as a swimmer, a teenager, a girl unaware of her looming death. She finds the idea of an unknown “death date” horrifying now, even though she admits she would have once thought it poetic.

Meanwhile, Clare’s parents have cleared out Sara’s things. They gave away her bed, her mattress, and then later tossed her swimming trophies into a dustbin. Clare pulled them out, medals and awards still engraved with Sara’s name, and she placed them on the carpet. Her father flew into a rage and forced her to return everything to the bin, except for one trophy, which he took to work and never brought back.

Clare recalls how her mother wanders the house dazed, drugged on prescription pills, while her father shaves obsessively and snores through the night. Clare also recalls schoolmates mocking her after the funeral, shouting at her from across the street about how Sara committed suicide. But Clare insists she now has proof that it was an accident. She knows because she went to the hotel and someone who was there told her what really happened.

Clare’s thoughts make it clear that she is the girl who has been sitting on the stoop of World of Carpets, watching the place where Sara died. When the visions of Sara started to fade, and she could no longer picture her sister’s face clearly, Clare found Sara’s spare uniform still folded under her coat in the wardrobe. She saw it as a sign. In a flashback, Clare returns to the Global Hotel wearing Sara’s uniform, hoping to blend in. When she arrives, Lise is asleep at the desk. Clare walks past her and goes to the top floor, where she finds the hidden dumbwaiter shaft. She manages to open the hatch with the help of others (Else and Penny). Later, when Lise finds her crying at the scene, she does not scold or report her. Instead, she comforts her and brings her tissues.

Lise takes Clare downstairs and introduces her to Duncan, who was with Sara when she died. Lise also goes and finds Clare a new pair of shoes from the lost and found because Clare threw one of her original shoes down the dumbwaiter shaft. Then, Clare goes back upstairs with Duncan, who stands staring at the damage to the wall. He asks if she had done it, and when she nods, he sits down and tells her everything he witnessed. Sara had made a bet with him for five pounds that she could fit inside the dumbwaiter. She succeeded but the cable on the dumbwaiter snapped almost immediately; she was dead in a matter of seconds.

Clare already knew the part about Sara’s body being folded in upside down. She had read it in the papers. Still, hearing it from someone who had been there stuns her. She goes over to the shaft and drops her other shoe down it, then times how long it takes to fall. Back downstairs, Duncan gives her the five pounds Sara had won. Lise then makes Clare sit down for a full English breakfast. Lise even walks Clare home afterward. On the way, they speak about sleep—Clare not getting enough, Lise getting too much.

Back in the present, Clare talks to Sara in her mind. She describes how her grief makes everyday experiences feel both painful and beautiful. She tastes food slowly now, feels the texture of upholstery and doorframes, and thinks of Sara constantly. She leaves sweets on Sara’s grave, imagining Sara would laugh at her for doing so. She imagines someone digging up Sara’s medals centuries from now and putting them in a museum. She says Sara was the fastest swimmer she ever saw and recalls how she used to dominate races, turning effortlessly in the water and always coming in first or second.

The smell of chlorine still lingers in the house, in the bedroom and the hall. Clare thinks about how no one likes to say the word “dead,” and how people treat her like she has done something wrong just by being close to death. She remembers when their cat died and how that kind of sadness was understandable because it was relatively small and manageable. But this grief has consumed everything, even the kitchen and the chairs. Clare’s grandfather’s death had felt like a slow process of fading away. In contrast, Sara’s death felt like a sudden, violent break.

In her thoughts, Clare tells Sara that she is still keeping track of television shows for her. She is watching ER and Brookside. She tells Sara jokes, as if Sara might still be listening. She remembers Sara teaching her how to suck the sugar off toffees and says that leaving those in the cemetery makes more sense than flowers, since they were something Sara actually loved. She recalls Sara’s laughter, the times they fought, and the sound of Sara’s breathing at night.

Clare then recalls a series of short, vivid memories. Sara once stayed up with her when she was scared by a song, made toast, and held her until she fell asleep. Clare also remembers watching Sara from the spectator gallery at the pool, amazed by how Sara stayed afloat in deep water, as if she could walk on it. She imagines Sara can walk on air now. She thanks Sara for keeping her and their parents safe and insists she remembers everything—the way Sara looked on the diving board, her stance before the dive, her speed through the air, how she always completed the dive. Clare compares that same fast, fluid motion to the moment Sara died, falling upside down in the lift shaft, telling her: “you were so fast I still can’t believe how fast you were less than four seconds just under four three & a bit that’s all you took I know I counted for you.”