House Arrest

Dad was at the hospital with Mom and Levi.
José’s mom came to wake me up
but I was already awake.
And she drove me to the hospital
and she told me Levi was sick
and the doctors didn’t know what it was
and it was bad
real bad
and they wanted me there
in case he died
so I could say good-bye
and none of it made sense
because Levi was a brand-new baby
and nothing happens to brand-new babies
because they are new and haven’t hurt anyone yet.

That day.
Always in my head.
Won’t go away.
Always in the mirror.
Written on my face.
That day.
When the guy’s wallet was next to the credit card
swiper thing
at the checkout
and the manager and the guy looked out the window
at the car crash outside the grocery store.

I paid
one thousand
four hundred
forty-
five
dollars
and
thirty-
two
cents
on one shiny blue card.
Levi’s medicine for one month.
I made it one and a half days before they caught me.
One and a half days of feeling like I could breathe.
One and a half days of trying to figure out how to tell Mom.
Then the police came.

You look cold.
Duh, Mrs. B. It’s wintertime.
Where’s your coat?
Duh, Mrs. B. My arms have grown
three sizes since last winter.
Do you need a coat?
Duh, Mrs. B. But you think I’m going to ask for one?
You should take care of yourself.
You don’t want to get sick.
Duh, Mrs. B. Who wants to get sick?
Have you had a flu shot?
Duh, Mrs. B. Who’s going to pay for it?
You should think about getting one.
Duh, Mrs. B. I think about a lot of things I can’t do.
Timothy, are you listening to me?
Duh, Mrs. B. Are you listening to you?

Hail Mary pass intercepted
on the twenty-yard line,
run back for a touchdown.
Mom: 7
Timothy: 0
She already knew about Cincinnati!
She knew about it before I did.
I guess I should have known.
I mean, Mom’s no dummy.
There’s just no money to do it.
The travel costs alone…
she said.
Then to herself,
super quiet,
The travel costs alone.
And her eyes drifted over to the wall,
the picture of the whole family
in the hospital
on the night Levi was born
and did not die.
We are not playing a fair game, you know?
When even Hail Mary passes get you nowhere.
Not a fair game at all.

Things were going so well.
That’s when you know to watch out.
That’s when you know Timothy
is going to do something
stupid
stupid
stupid.
But in my defense
you can’t just call people retards.
That’s offensive to everyone
with a brain
and a heart.
And if you’re going to be the kind of person
who is offensive to everyone
with a brain
and a heart,
maybe your mouth deserves
a Carnival of Giving
from my fist.

I know I’m lucky.
I know it.
I didn’t get regular suspended,
I only got in-school suspended.
I wish I had gotten a medal, though.
I wish I had gotten a parade.
I wish it was OK
to punch a kid
for being an idiot
but I guess vigilante justice
is not a real thing
in middle school
or anywhere
really.

fifteen
thousand
two
hundred
forty
eight
dollars
and
seventy
two
cents
holy
crap
holy
crap
holy
crap
Mom is holding the check.
The PTA lady is at the door.
Look at this! Look at what you’ve done, Timothy!
Mom says it with a huge smile
with tears in her eyes
and she means it in a good way this time.
Look at what I’ve done.
Look at what I’ve done!!!

Five counts of leaving the scene of an accident.
Five counts of vehicular negligence.
One count of driving without a license.
One count of driving underage.
One count of grand theft auto.
One probation: violated.
I’m reading the charges
while I wait for the judge.
These khaki scrubs scratching me,
these white slippers not fitting right.
They left one thing off this sheet:
one count of saving Levi’s life.
Which counts for everything
don’t you think?