How to Win Friends and Influence People consists of material from Dale Carnegie’s lectures on business and personal relations. The book is split into four parts: techniques in handling people; ways to make people like you; how to win people over to your way of thinking; and how to change people’s behavior without causing resentment.
Part 1 of the book, which focuses on handling people, emphasizes the importance of not criticizing, condemning, or complaining about others. People rarely admit wrongdoing, and so criticism usually only puts people on the defensive. Instead, you should “be hearty in [your] approbation and lavish in [your] praise.” People generally want a sense of importance, and so praising them helps feed that desire. However, Carnegie makes a distinction between flattery and appreciation: flattery is insincere and selfish, whereas appreciation has to be genuine. And lastly, it’s important to make the other person want to do whatever you are asking of them—you have to talk in terms of what they want rather than what you want, and you have to show them how to get it.
Part 2 examines how to make people like you. Carnegie states that the reason dogs are so well-liked is because they are deeply interested in humans. He holds that the same is true for people: it is much easier to make friends by becoming interested in others than it is by getting people interested in you. Additionally, dogs are always glad to see people, which brings Carnegie to his next point: the importance of smiling and staying positive when interacting with others. He also emphasizes the importance of remembering and using people’s names, because their name is more important to them than all other names combined.
In conversations, Carnegie suggests that his readers be good listeners, encouraging others to talk about themselves. You should also talk in terms of the other person’s interests rather than your own. And lastly, in conversation, you should make the other person feel sincerely important.
Part 3 of the book focuses on how to convince people of your ideas. It opens with the premise that it’s impossible to truly win an argument—being forceful about your ideas, even when you are right, only incurs resentment and makes other people defend themselves even more. So, the best way to win an argument is to avoid it entirely. In a similar vein, one should never tell people directly that they are wrong—again, it only makes people defensive. Rather, it’s important to respect others’ opinions. On the flipside, when you are wrong, it is best to admit it quickly and emphatically; the other person will act more generously as a result.
It’s also important to discuss things in a friendly way. As Lincoln said, “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” Try to open a conversation by finding common ground and getting people to agree with you—if people begin by saying “no,” it’s harder to change their opinions. And when handling complaints, it’s good to let others do the bulk of the talking, because it shows that you are being sympathetic. Lastly, when trying to convince someone of an idea, it’s better to make them feel that the idea is theirs—that way, they will be more likely to go along with it.
Carnegie again emphasizes the importance of honestly seeing things from others’ point of view—the only way to convince people to do something is by understanding their ideas and desires. One of people’s most important desires is to appear noble, and so appealing to a person’s nobler motives can be an effective way of convincing them to do something.
Carnegie throws out a few additional techniques: first, dramatizing one’s ideas. He gives an example of a cash register salesman who told a grocer that their old registers were losing pennies each time a customer went through the line, which the salesman dramatized by tossing a few pennies on the ground. Illustrating your ideas in this way catches people’s attention and makes them more interested in what you’re saying. And lastly, throwing down a challenge can be effective, because people feel important when they can rise to that challenge.
In Part 4, Carnegie discusses how to change people’s behavior without making them resentful. First, if you have to criticize people, begin with praise and honest appreciation instead. Call attention to their mistakes indirectly, so that they don’t feel bad about your criticism. You can also talk about your own mistakes first, so that they don’t feel as bad about making them—everyone is fallible. And it’s important to let the other person save face; humiliating them is a surefire way to incur bitterness.
Rather than giving direct orders, it’s better to make suggestions or ask if a person wants to do something—people like feeling that they have autonomy over their actions. And it’s important to praise any and every improvement—encouraging good behavior is far more effective than criticizing bad behavior. If employees are struggling, it’s helpful to talk about their good reputation—they will then strive to live up to that reputation. It’s also useful to make their faults seem easy to correct; if they feel like they will continue to make mistakes, it is more likely that they will become angry or give up entirely. And lastly, it’s useful to make the other person excited or happy about doing the things that you suggest. Following these principles, Carnegie illustrates, are hallmarks of being a good leader.
