Early in the book, Carnegie introduces the idea that people want to feel important—it is as basic a need as food, shelter, or well-being. Yet of all the basic needs, he writes, this is the one that is gratified least often. So, one of the best ways to make others feel good is to provide and maintain that feeling of importance for them, which often means that one has to be humble. When proposing an idea to another person or a group, for example, it’s good to let other people feel that the idea is theirs, because then they will be more invested in it. Or, when correcting others’ mistakes, it’s good to criticize oneself first so that the other person doesn’t feel as bad. Everyone wants to feel valuable and have high self-esteem, and so the most effective leaders are those that make people feel important while remaining humble themselves.
The book illustrates how feeling important is a key desire for all people, and so those who make others feel appreciated tend to be well-regarded and successful. Carnegie makes it clear that feeling important is vital for everyone. He describes this desire to be important as “a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand.” This statement highlights how the ability to provide feelings of importance can make a person very influential. One example focuses on Hall Caine, who loved sonnets. He devoured Dante Gabriel Rossetti’s poetry and sent a letter to Rossetti, praising the poet’s artistic achievement. In response, Rosetti invited Caine to come to London and work as his secretary. In this role, Caine was able to meet renowned writers of his time and even launch a successful literary career himself, becoming a multimillionaire novelist. This story emphasizes the power of making others feel important—just as Caine did for Rosetti—and how those with this ability become successful. In another example, Ian Macdonald asked his employees if and how they might be able to complete a large order at his manufacturing plant, given that the job would likely be a rush job. He didn’t merely demand that they do the work more quickly, and as a result, they came up with many creative ideas to get the job done and approached it with a “can do” attitude. While giving orders might make people resentful, making suggestions and requesting input makes them feel more autonomous and important. As a result, the people who approach their teams in this way get better results.
The book also demonstrates that remaining humble oneself is an effective way to make others feel important or valued—and, by extension, to achieve success. Eugene Wesson was having trouble selling his sketches to a studio that created designs for manufacturers. After 150 failures, Wesson tried something different: he took unfinished sketches to the buyer’s office and asked them how he should finish them. With their input, he was able to sell the sketches. Rather than believing his work was flawless and blaming the company for his failure, Wesson accepted input and let the company sell itself on his sketches. Being humble about his ideas in this way allowed him to be more successful. Although Carnegie emphasizes that criticism usually isn’t helpful, sometimes it is necessary. And so, one of the best ways to criticize someone is to begin by admitting one’s own mistakes. He writes, “It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.” Thus, being humble and willing to admit mistakes helps maintain other people’s dignity and good will, and thus is a useful leadership strategy. In a similar vein, when people are wrong, it’s important for them to admit it quickly and emphatically. Mr. Warren, an artist, had a very critical art director he worked with. One day, when the art director explained in a hostile way that there were mistakes in Warren’s work, Warren emphatically admitted his blunders. Warren relays, “My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him. He ended up by taking me to lunch; and before we parted, he gave me a check and another commission.” In this way, Warren’s humility and willingness to admit his mistakes made him much more successful than if he had gotten self-important and defensive.
In addition to actively making others feel important, the book demonstrates that simply playing on others’ desire to be important or admirable (like the desire to have a good reputation) can also help readers achieve what they want. In one case, a landlord named Hamilton Farrell had a difficult tenant who wanted to get out of a lease four months early. Instead of getting angry, Farrell simply stated that he believed the tenant was a man of his word and would live up to the contract, but Farrell would accept whatever decision the man came to. Later, the tenant and his wife came back to Farrell, explaining that they concluded that the “only honorable thing to do was to live up to their lease.” By playing on the man’s desire to be admirable, the landlord was able to sway the tenant. In another case, a fourth-grade teacher knew she was getting a difficult child named Tommy in her class. On the first day of school, she told Tommy that she heard he was a natural leader, and that she would depend on him to help make this class the best class in fourth grade. As a result, the child lived up to her expectations—the teacher effectively shaped his behavior playing on his desire to be important and virtuous. Again, these examples illustrate how vital a feeling of importance is, and how those who stay humble and make others feel valuable have a major advantage in negotiating with others.
Related Themes from Other Texts
Importance and Humility ThemeTracker
Importance and Humility Quotes in How to Win Friends and Influence People
Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
If that was true of Emerson, isn’t it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.
Most people don't remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves; they are too busy.
But they were probably no busier than Franklin D. Roosevelt, and he took time to remember and recall even the names of mechanics with whom he came into contact.
People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And “those people who think only of themselves,” Dr. Nicholas Murray Butler, longtime president of Columbia University, said, “are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated,” said Dr. Butler, “no matter how instructed they may be.”
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
Remember what Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts. “
Nobody in the heavens above or on the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth will ever object to your saying: “I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts.”
If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self- criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say—and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did with me and Rex.
Did House interrupt him and say, “That’s not your idea. That’s mine”? Oh, no. Not House. He was too adroit for that. He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results. So he let Wilson continue to feel that the idea was his. House did even more than that. He gave Wilson public credit for these ideas.
Let’s remember that everyone we come in contact with is just as human as Woodrow Wilson. So let’s use Colonel House’s technique.
The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.
“Now, here’s my proposition. Lay your decision on the table for a few days and think it over. If you come back to me between now and the first of the month, when your rent is due, and tell me you still intend to move, I give you my word I will accept your decision as final. I will privilege you to move and admit to myself I’ve been wrong in my judgment. But I still believe you’re a man of your word and will live up to your contract. For after all, we are either men or monkeys—and the choice usually lies with ourselves!”
Well, when the new month came around, this gentleman came to see me and paid his rent in person. He and his wife had talked it over, he said—and decided to stay. They had concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to their lease.
Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, concurred. He studied in depth the work altitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives. What do you think he found to be the most motivating factor—the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No—not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
So after that, when I wanted to call Josephine’s attention to a mistake, I used to begin by saying, “you have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it’s no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you are better than I was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself, I have very little inclination to criticize you or anyone. But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?”
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
ln short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
