Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in Marriage is a Private Affair, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Urban vs. Rural Spaces
Family, Love, and Marriage
Christianity
Summary
Analysis
In Lagos, Nene asks Nnaemeka if he has told his father, Okeke, the exciting news. Nnaemeka reveals that he hasn’t and would prefer to tell his father about it “when [he] gets home on leave.”
The beginning of Nene and Nnaemeka’s conversation hints at the diverging expectations of city life in Lagos and rural life in Nnaemeka’s home village. While Nene believes in delivering the “news” as quickly as possible, regardless of Nnaemeka’s father distance from them, Nnaemeka believes the news should be delivered personally. In other words, it should be an intimate conversation between father and son.
Themes
Nene wonders why Nnaemeka doesn’t just write to Okeke instead of delaying the news for another six weeks until his trip. She is eager to “let [Okeke] into our happiness now.” Nnaemeka disagrees, however, slowly telling her that he is uncertain about what Okeke’s reaction to the news will be.
Nene shows her unfamiliarity with the importance Okeke places on marriage decisions. To her, delaying the news for another six weeks delays the opportunity to share their happiness with Okeke. However, Nnaemeka tempers her reaction, hinting that the couple’s happiness is not necessarily a factor in Okeke’s possible acceptance and support, and may be a secondary concern to Okeke.
Themes
Nene is confused as to why Okeke wouldn’t be happy about the news, but Nnaemeka reminds her that she has spent her entire life in Lagos and for that reason “know[s] very little about people in remote parts of the country.”
For the first time, Nnaemeka makes it explicitly clear to Nene that Lagos and Okeke’s village are governed by different rules and expectations. The freedoms that Nene enjoys in Lagos cause her to naively assume that Okeke must be happy about his son’s news. Yet these assumptions do not reflect the realities of rural life and the traditional ideas about marriage that persist there.
Themes
Nene continues to believe that Okeke will be pleased—she can’t fathom how anyone could “be unhappy when their sons are engaged to marry.” Nnaemeka explains that not only are his people unsatisfied if “the engagement is not arranged by them,” they find it even more concerning when the woman is “not even an Ibo.”
The fact that Nene is unable to grasp the differences between urban and rural cultures shows just how distant in proximity, ideas, and expectations Lagos is from Nnaemeka’s rural village. Consequently, Nnaemeka must explain to Nene that, according to his village, marriage is not a decision that two individuals make. Rather it is a community decision that is informed by one’s ethnic and linguistic identity. Upholding the homogeneity of the village—in contrast to Lagos’s more multicultural atmosphere—is a key factor in rural expectations of marriage.
Themes
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Nene is taken aback by Nnaemeka’s bluntness. Growing up in a big, urban city, she always that it was “something of a joke” that marriage would hinge on a person’s tribe. For the first time, she wonders whether Okeke will be unhappy about the news after all. She tries to reconcile this possibility with her long-held belief that “Ibos were kindly disposed to other people.” Nnaemeka, however, reminds her that this particular belief about marriage is not specific to Ibos, but a feature of other groups as well. He even suggests Nene’s father would react in a similar way if he “were alive and lived in the heart of Ibibio-land.”
Nnaemeka’s explanation creates an epiphany for Nene. She must reconcile her cosmopolitan upbringing with Nnaemeka’s characterization of rural life and confront the idea (for the first time) that her way of viewing the world is not the standard, but perhaps the exception. As someone unused to considering the importance of her linguistic and ethnic identity, she wonders why Ibos place such a huge emphasis on it. However, Nnaemeka again breaks down her assumptions by saying that many ethnic communities share these traditional ideas of marriage—possibly including hers. These traditional ideas are shaped by the logic of small homogenous communities, and their desire to protect their cultural uniformity and thus preserve their community, rather than the assumption that groups cannot co-exist.
Themes
Nevertheless, Nene continues to urge Nnaemeka to send a “a nice lovely letter” to his father. Again, Nnaemeka refuses, preferring not to “shock” him quite so abruptly. At last, Nnaemeka finally concedes, agreeing that Nnaemeka knows his father better than she does.
Everything about his Okeke’s upbringing suggests that the news of the marriage would shock him, throwing his perspective on tradition, right and wrong, and family in chaos. For this reason, Nnaemeka chooses to deliver the news gently and carefully in person.
Themes
Later, on his way back to his home in Lagos, Nnaemeka thinks about ways to break the news to his father. He remembers a letter his father sent him recently about Ugoye, the woman Okeke has chosen to marry Nnaemeka. When Nnaemeka gets home, he reads the letter again and remembers Ugoye fondly as “an Amazon of a girl who used to beat up all the boys” and a “dunce.”
Nnaemeka reflects on the woman his father has chosen to be Nnaemeka’s wife. His brief characterization of her as an “Amazon of a girl” and a “dunce” reveals how superficially he knows her. It also suggests that his minimal knowledge of the girl is of very little importance to his father, Okeke. Okeke does not place importance on a couple having a strong relationship prior to an engagement. Marriage, then, seems to be more practical than romantic in their culture.
Themes
In the letter, Okeke professes to have found a girl for Nnaemeka that will “suit [Nnaemeka] admirably.” Okeke praises Ugoye for her “proper Christian upbringing” and reveals that after she stopped attending school a few years ago, “her father (a man of sound judgement) sent her to live in the house of a pastor where she has received all the training a wife could need.” He also adds that Ugoye’s Sunday School teacher “has told [him] that she reads her Bible very fluently.” Okeke ends the letter hopeful that all parties involved will be able to “begin negotiations” when Nnaemeka returns to the village in December.
Okeke reveals just how much of a wife’s worth is based on her outward display of Christianity. A wife’s fervor and dedication to the faith, according to Okeke, trumps intimacy and love. Moreover, Okeke’s knowledge of Ugoye’s family is also at play here. He is able to reflect on her father’s “sound judgment” because he knows the man and can assess the fitness of not only Ugoye, but of her family as well. This suggests the importance of close-knit, rural, communal bonds to Okeke. He knows her father, most likely, because he is a member of the community. This knowledge allows him to better judge the compatibility of the marriage. Furthermore, the letter assumes that Nnaemeka will not contest Okeke’s decision because Okeke does not expect his son to have an opinion on his marriage. It is something that he, as the patriarch of his own family, must decide and implement.
Themes
Eventually Nnaemeka returns to his village, and on day two of his return, he joins his father under one of his favorite spots under a cassia tree. Nnaemeka begins their conversation by asking Okeke for forgiveness. Okeke is bewildered by his son’s request and asks him to explain why he’s asking for forgiveness
Nnaemeka’s journey to his home prompts a shift in tone from the more open and progressive context of his earlier conversation with Nene. As he enters his father’s domain in their rural village and all the traditional expectations that come with it, he feels like he owes his father an apology for his intent to disrupt tradition and disappoint his father, by delivering the “bad” news. Even as an adult man, the opinions and expectations of Okeke clearly still matter to Nnaemeka.
Themes
Nnaemeka explains to his startled father that he is asking for forgiveness because of the “marriage question.” Okeke is still confused, so Nnaemeka cautiously but decisively explains that “it is impossible for [him] to marry Nweke’s daughter,” Ugoye.
Okeke is confused because he cannot fathom why there would be a question attached to Nnaemeka’s marriage, since it is his sole decision to make as Nnaemeka’s father. Nnaemeka’s defiant response to this challenges Nnaemeka’s monopoly over marriage decisions and attempts to bring the cosmopolitan rationale and freedoms of Lagos into the rural context of his village.
Themes
Okeke implores his son to explain why it is impossible, prompting Nnaemeka to explain that he cannot marry someone he does not love. His father responds by telling Nnaemeka that he does not have to love the person he marries, but Nnaemeka implies that he must because “marriage today is different.”
Nnaemeka reveals just how much his ideas about marriage diverge from his father’s traditional notions. His first reason for why he cannot marry Ugoye is love, which suggests that it is also his first priority in marriage. His father, on the other hand, disagrees and dismisses love as an impractical, lofty, and naïve concern in a marriage. Nnaemeka nevertheless insists his personal beliefs have changed and no longer fit into his father’s expectations.
Themes
Okeke, however, insists that “nothing is different,” and that Nnaemeka should only worry about whether his wife has “a good character and a Christian background.”
Despite his son’s challenge, Okeke still very much prioritizes Ugoye’s Christian background and her vetted good character over whether his son loves her or not. Though Nnaemeka is an adult, Okeke’s paternal side comes out in this scene. He easily dismisses his son’s earlier points and continues to insist that his definition of marriage is best because he knows better and can better assess what is best for Nnaemeka.
Themes
Nnaemeka changes tack and finally reveals that he has found another woman, with all of “Ugoye’s good qualities.” His father reacts with disbelief to the news, but Nnaemeka continues by describing Nene as a “good Christian.”
Nnaemeka’s revelation is a surprise to Okeke, who up until this moment had most likely assumed that Nnaemeka finding his own wife was out of the realm of possibility. To Okeke, after all, part of being a good son is heeding the expectations of your family and your community. Nnaemeka, then, attempts to soften the severity of his revelation by emphasizing Nene’s Christianity, as if to show Okeke that he hasn’t completely abandoned his duties as a good son and forgotten the importance of faith in a marriage.
Themes
Nnaemeka goes on to explain that Nene is also a “teacher at a Girl’s School in Lagos.” Okeke reacts angrily to this news. He points out that not only does Nene’s job disqualify her from being a good wife, it also proves that Nene is not following St. Paul’s command in Corinthians that “women should keep silence.” Okeke begins to pace as it is revealed that he “condemned vehemently those church leaders who encouraged women to teach in their schools.”
Once Nnaemeka reveals that Nene is a teacher, Okeke reaches his breaking point. It is one thing for his son to attempt to marry a woman he does not know and who comes from a world outside of their village, but it is another thing for Nnaemeka to marry a woman who flagrantly and wrongly scorns Christian tenets by becoming a teacher. He reminds his son of this by referencing St. Paul’s passage in the Bible, in order to add credibility to his anger and show his son that he is backed by a higher power. Okeke’s version of Christianity is strict and intractable—people who stand outside of it and practice their own version of Christianity are condemnable and akin to false believers.
Themes
Okeke composes himself and asks about Nene’s background and who her father is. Nnaemeka explains that her full name is Nene Atang, which further shocks his father. Nnaemeka explains, however, that she is from Calabar and “is the only girl [he] can marry.” Nnaemeka knows he’s being too abrupt and waits for “the storm to burst.”
Okeke gives his son the false sense that he is warming up to the idea of him marrying Nene by inquiring more about her. In reality, he asks to for more information to build his case for why Nnaemeka must not go through with the marriage. Nnaemeka seems to sense this. He reveals these things about Nene in quick succession as if he will lose the courage if he delays giving Okeke this information. Nnaemeka anxiously waits for his father’s anger and resentment to overflow and bring the conversation to an emotional conclusion.
Themes
Instead of lashing out, though, Okeke reacts by walking away, which to Nnaemeka feels far more alarming and hostile than a “threatening speech” from his father. Later, Okeke refuses to eat as well.
Nnaemeka has temporarily stunted Okeke’s ability to speak, act, or eat. To deal with his son’s betrayal, Okeke recedes into himself and abstains from human communication and nourishment. Okeke has lost something central to his sense of self as a father because of his son’s decision. As a result, he cannot derive joy from abating normal human needs, because he feels he has lost an identity to nurture or express.
Themes
A day later, Okeke tries to dissuade his son from marrying Nene, though Nnaemeka remains committed to his decision, and his “heart was hardened.” Okeke gives up and sees his son as a lost cause. He dismisses him by arguing that as a father, it is his job to teach Nnaemeka right and from wrong. He also admonishes his son, telling him that “whoever put this idea into [his] head might as well have cut [his] throat,” and “it is Satan’s work.”
Okeke continues to try to dissuade his son from marrying Nene, even as his hope that his son will change his mind wanes. At last, when Nnaemeka shows that he will never change, Okeke dismisses him from his sight—and, ceremonially, from the family and the village. To Okeke, Nnaemeka has not only disobeyed him, he has unforgivably chosen sin over his family, community, and traditions. Okeke implies that Nnaemeka is essentially dead to him, suggesting that one cannot properly live when alienated from one’s biological and communal roots. Thus, only Satan, according to Okeke, can be responsible for a son making such an egregious error.
Themes
Though Okeke dismisses his son, Nnaemeka suggests that Okeke will eventually change his mind after he meets Nene and gets to know her. Okeke responds by claiming that he “shall never see her.”
Okeke is adamant that he will never meet Nene because he refuses to overlook his son’s disobedience and Nene’s deviant ideas about women’s role as Christians. Thus, he will not take part in eroding tradition nor in sinning by meeting her.
Themes
Afterwards, Okeke barely speaks to Nnaemeka, though he continues to hope that Nnaemeka will recognize the error of his ways and grasp the severity of “the danger he [is] heading for.” Every day and night, Okeke prays for his son to realize his mistakes.
Okeke feels like his son has denied him his rights as a father and plunged their family into crisis. His punishment and alienation of Nnameka, though severe, matches the gravity of Nnaemeka’s mistake in his eyes. Okeke continues to believe that Nnaemeka is in spiritual danger and prays for his son to change his mind and choose Okeke, tradition, and Okeke’s own notions about Christianity over his desire to marry Nene.
Themes
Meanwhile, Nnaemeka continues to hope his father will come around. He remains optimistic because he fails to realize that “never in the history of his people had a man married a woman who spoke a different tongue.”
Nnaemeka’s optimism is well-meaning, though naïve. He fails to seriously consider how persistent his father’s ideas about marriage are. In reality, they are just as old as the village and are a significant part of its history and identity. Therefore, Nnaemeka’s decision threatens both this identity and the cohesiveness of the community. His decision thus has repercussions for his family as well as those in the community.
Themes
Other people in their village share Okeke’s opinion. An old man reminds his people that Nnaemeka’s plan “has never been heard,” a phrase that speaks for everyone in the community.
Nnaemeka’s decision involves everyone, because it plunges the cohesiveness of the community into chaos. People take Okeke’s side by refuting Nnaemeka’s actions. That Nnaemeka’s action has never been spoken before, and thus never heard, makes his decision seem especially extreme and perverse.
Themes
News about Nnaemeka’s plans continue to spread among the people in the rural village even after Nnaemeka has returned to Lagos. More people share their opinion on the issue to commiserate with Okeke. Another person in the community claims that Nnaemeka’s actions are alluded to in the Bible: “Sons shall rise against their Fathers; it is there in the Holy book.” Yet another person decrees that “it is the beginning of the end.”
As more people come to commiserate with Okeke, people quote the Bible to liken Nnaemeka’s decision with the “beginning of the end.” This shows that there is a shared anxiety that Nnaemeka’s decision is a threat to the community’s cohesion. His decision, after all, may signal the end of the group’s identity, and their end to the claim of the shared traditions, language, and background that unifies them.
Themes
As the conversation becomes increasingly religious, a “highly practical man” named Madubogwu suggests an ordinary solution to Okeke’s problem. He suggests that Okeke “[consult] a native doctor about [his] son.” Okeke, however, denies that Nnaemeka is sick, but Madubogwu insists that his “mind is diseased,” and that Nnaemeka needs a “good herbalist [to] bring him back to his right senses” with a medicine called Amalile. He explains that women use the medicine to “recapture their husbands’ straying affection.”
Madubogwu suggests that Okeke consult a native doctor because he believes only a “sick” son would decide to marry a woman outside of the community, given the stakes. When Okeke refutes this, Madubogwu insists that Nnaemeka is not only sick, but “diseased.” His use of “diseased” here suggests that Nnameka’s ailment is much more dangerous than a mere sickness. His spiritual illness is implied to be contagious and life-threatening, and thus must be dealt with swiftly and immediately, lest they risk even more destruction to the community. Madubogwu suggests that with a good herbalist, Okeke can “recapture” his son’s attention which has strayed for far too long on a woman and a type of Christianity that deviates from Okeke’s own brand. “Recaptur[ing]” also suggests a coming home—it would allow Okeke to recapture his son’s respect of his rural background and the expectations that come with it.
Themes
Though others in the community agree with Madubogwu, Okeke insists he will not involve a native doctor and make the same “superstitious” mistake as Mrs. Ochuba. He explains that he prefers Nnaemeka to “kill himself […] with his own hands.”
While Okeke still believes that Nnaemeka is in spiritual danger, he refuses to give into his fears and let superstitions help him kill his son, like Mrs. Ochuba did. This suggests that, while Nnaemeka has betrayed his, Okeke still cares deeply for his son and wants the best for him. He believes that Nnaemeka’s decision already comes with adequate spiritual danger and does not see any reason to further punish his son for his sin of an illicit marriage.
Themes
Madubogwu insists that Mrs. Ochuba’s mistake “was her fault,” as she did not go to an “honest herbalist.” Another man from the village, Jonathon, interjects and disagrees. He claims that Mrs. Ochuba was a “wicked murderess,” who did not use the medicine on her husband, who it was prepared and intended for. Instead she used it to kill the herbalist—who it was never intended for.
While some villagers claim that Mrs. Ochuba’s mistake (which proved fatal for her son) stemmed from her choice of herbalist, others claim that her actions are a result of her being a wicked murderess. In other words, she knew beforehand about the effect that the prepared medicine would have on a person it was not intended for, but decided to use it anyway. This scene gives one the sense that the practices of a native doctor bear a hint of mysticism, which could help explain why Okeke, a devout Christian, wants nothing to do with it.
Themes
Six months later, Nnaemeka receives a letter from his father, which he shows Nene—who is now his wife. The letter accuses Nnaemeka of being “unfeeling,” for sending a wedding picture to Okeke. Okeke reveals that he wanted to send the picture back as is, but has instead cut Nene out of the picture and sent just that portion back because he wants “nothing to do with her.” Okeke also reveals that he wishes he could have “nothing to do with [Nnaemeka]” as well.
Nene and Nnaemeka’s marriage in spite of Okeke’s disapproval shows that they do not feel bound to traditional pressures. Okeke sends back their wedding picture to them with Nene cut out to emphasize how he will never relent and recognize Nene as a member of his family. The gesture’s violent undertones suggest that Okeke would rip her out of the family, just like in the picture, if he could. This also implies that he wishes he could do the same to Nnaemeka, if not for the fact that they are related by blood. Though angered, one can see that Okeke still cares very much about the family. Nnaemeka is still his son and nothing can change that.
Themes
Nene begins to cry, but Nnaemeka implores her not to and reassures her that his father “is essentially good-natured” and will come around eventually.
Isolated from the village, Nnaemeka starts to console Nene, promising her that Okeke will eventually change his mind. He chooses to forget that older ideas do not disappear easily as long as there are people, like Okeke to uphold them.
Themes
However, eight years pass and Okeke still refuses to speak to Nnaemeka. Okeke writes to his son only three times during those years, but only to refuse his son permission to “come home and spend his leave.” Okeke is adamant that he cannot let Nnaemeka into his home and writes to his son that it doesn’t matter to him “where or how you spend your leave—or your life, for that matter.”
Just as Okeke believes Nnaemeka denied him of his rights as a father by marring Nene, Okeke is determined to deny Nnaemeka his rights as a son by symbolically disowning him. Nnaemeka no longer belongs in Okeke’s home because part of the price of belonging is upholding following tradition and heeding Okeke’s expectations. Because Okeke does not want Nnaemeka to sully his home and way of life with his divergent views on marriage and tradition, he refuses to see his son.
Themes
Meanwhile in Lagos, Nene and Nnaemeka face prejudice from Ibos there as well. Though the women aren’t openly mean to Nene, they pay “her such excessive deference as to make her feel she was not one of them.” Nevertheless, Nene “[breaks] through some of this prejudice and even [begins] to make friends among them.” Gradually people in Lagos begin to accept her after they realize she “kept her home much better than most of them.”
Nene is not completely free from prejudice in Lagos. The Ibos there, perhaps taking cues from their own rural backgrounds, coyly make her feel like she is a stranger among them. But Nene’s ability to overcome their poor treatment and find camaraderie among them, shows that Lagos begets more possibilities than its rural counterpart. It is a place to wrestle with and overcome traditional ideas about belonging and marriage. In the end, the Ibos in Lagos place more value on Nene’s skills, rather than her ethnic and linguistic background, in evaluating her as a suitable member of their group. This further undercuts Okeke’s belief that one’s ethnic background is an important factor in evaluating a woman’s fitness as a wife.
Themes
News of Nnaemeka and Nene’s happy marriage spreads throughout Okeke’s village, but no one dares to mention this to Okeke because of how his son’s name triggers his temper. Hence, Okeke successfully “[pushes] his son to the back of his mind,” though the “strain […] nearly [kills] him.”
Ironically, it is Okeke who seems to be suffering more from his family’s splintering. It is he, rather than Nnaemeka, who approaches the emotional and spiritual death he anticipated for his son earlier. The loss of his son has provoked a visceral reaction within him, consuming him and leading him closer to a self-inflicted demise.
Themes
One day, Okeke receives a letter from Nene. At first, he glances at it briefly, but its contents spur him to read more closely. Nene writes that her two sons, “from the day they learnt that they have a grandfather,” have begun to ask to see Okeke. She admits, however, that it feels “impossible to tell them that [Okeke] will not see them.” She ends the letter by hoping that Okeke will allow Nnaemeka to bring their children to visit Okeke next month, while she stays behind in Lagos.
Nene’s letter to Okeke is their only instance of direct communication. Without Nnaemeka as a liaison, it is the first time that Okeke becomes truly acquainted with his daughter in law: her way of speaking, her concerns, and her love for her children. While he thinks he is doing right by his family by alienating his son, Nene implies that Okeke is wrong. She hints to Okeke that rather than punishing her sons for their father, Nnaemeka’s actions, he should consider the effects of his self-exile from the family, as it hurts a generation that was born into the conflict through no fault of their own. Nene shows that she is not interested in changing Okeke’s mind about her—consequently, she will remain in her progressive bubble of Lagos. Her priorities are her sons, and forging a relationship between them and their grandfather. She is a stark contrast to Okeke as a parent.
Themes
After reading the letter, Okeke senses the cracks in the “resolution he had built up over so many years.” He tries to fight his waning resolve, and the effort of the struggle makes him look out the window and notice the world outside. He sees that the sky is overcast, and the wind is aggressively blowing leaves and dust, suggesting that “it was one of those rare occasions when even Nature takes a hand in a human fight.” It begins to rain soon after that, “accompanied by the lightning and thunder which mark a change of season.”
The letter deeply resonates with Okeke, whose long-held resistance to his son’s marriage shows signs of collapsing. Nene’s words spark an internal struggle within him, and he has to decide in that moment whether to uphold his traditional notions of right and wrong, or to read uncharted territory and reinvent his identity as the family’s patriarch. Of course, Okeke, being the traditionalist he is, at first appears to be successful in his attempts to remain dedicated to his ideas about marriage and tradition. However, Okeke’s potential success is halted by Nature. In this moment, his environment is the personification of his consciousness in that moment—it is volatile, angry, and adamant that Okeke must change his ways. It urges Okeke to end the season of resentment and begin a new season of forgiveness.
Themes
Okeke continues to attempt to suppress thoughts about his two grandsons, albeit unsuccessfully. He even hums a hymn to distract himself, but the large rain drops from the storm interrupts him, and he begins to think of the children again.
Okeke continues to fight his consciousness and feelings of guilt. Knowledge of his grandson’s existence, however, proves incredibly difficult to suppress as it is a painful sign of how much he has failed his family by alienating the future generation. For once, his faith, exemplified through the hymn, is not enough to provide him solace and keep him committed to his stance. Meanwhile, Nature remains a persistent presence in this passage and continues to loudly and consistently (through the rain drops) demand that he choose the path of love and forgiveness.
Themes
Okeke begins to feel guilty and wonders how he “could [have] shut his door against them.” He imagines them outside in the “angry” weather, locked out of his house, sad and forsaken. Consequently, he is unable to sleep that night because of his guilt and the fear “that he might die without making it up to them.”
Finally, Okeke breaks and shows the first clear signs of regret about what he has done. The image of his grandsons outside in the weather, “sad and forsaken,” is a moment in which he must come to terms with how he has failed to be a source of protection and guidance for them within the chaotic conditions of the world. He has not been there to help them weather life’s storms like he was supposed to. His guilt follows him into his bed that night and keeps him company in the absence of his distant family. The story ends on an ambiguous note, but the fear of death without atonement replaces Okeke’s earlier commitment to tradition as his primary concern, signaling a possible end to the standoff between him and his son.
Themes
