Family, Love, and Marriage Theme Analysis

In “Marriage is a Private Affair,” Okeke vehemently believes that as a father, he should be the one to choose who his son, Nnaemeka, marries. He believes this so much that in his letter to Nnaemeka, he does not ask about his son’s willingness to marry the woman he has found for him. Instead, he confidently declares that he has “found a girl who will suit [his son] admirably,” suggesting that Okeke’s approval of the girl matters more than Nnaemeka’s desire to marry the girl. This implies that Okeke believes that marriage is not a private affair, as the title would suggest, but a familial one. Thus, when Nnaemeka rejects his father’s choice and marries Nene instead of Ugoye, the father and son’s familial bond unravels. Okeke sees their subsequent estrangement as proof that Nnaemeka has denied him his rights as a father and rejected his duties as a son and community member, which he likens to filial suicide. However, Okeke’s stubbornness begins to soften upon learning that his son’s wife has given birth to two sons, who are now old enough to be asking about their grandfather whom they’ve never met. Though Okeke believes denying familial expectations is a grave insult, it is not enough for him to risk alienating the new generation of family member from the old generation and create a lasting rift within his lineage. This implies that in Okeke’s world, as the patriarch of the family, failing to ensure the past and present generations know and learn from each other is akin to ensuring a family’s doom, and that familial love can and should eclipse other concerns.

When Okeke realizes that his son is resolute in his decision to marry Nene, he takes it as his fatherly duty to change his son’s mind. However, his son’s stubbornness proves too insurmountable, forcing Okeke to break ties with him in hopes that the threat of losing him as a father will be enough incentive for his son to shun Nene and accept his filial duty by marrying a wife whom Okeke approves of. Okeke takes his responsibilities as a father so seriously that before alienating Nnaemeka, he reminds his son that it is his “duty to show [Nnaemeka] what is right and what is wrong.” He is unable to sit idly and watch his son internalize wrong ideas about marriage because “whoever put this idea into [Nnaemeka’s] head might as well have cut [his] throat.” Within this, Okeke implies that Nnaemeka has forgotten that family is a lifeline and so disobeying Okeke is akin to severing the very thing that sustains him. It is also a warning to Nnaemeka that refusing to fulfill one’s filial duty is to live as if already dead. Nevertheless, Okeke’s words are not enough to change Nnaemeka’s mind, and Okeke disowns his son: “From that night the father scarcely spoke to his son. He did not, however, cease hoping that he would realize how serious was the danger he was heading for.” Again, a rejection of familial expectations is so perverse to Okeke that he equates it to danger as if Nnaemeka’s life is on the line.

Okeke staunchly holds on to his disavowal of his son’s decision to marry Nene, refusing to see his son for many years. Other people in Okeke’s community echo this belief, reassuring Okeke that he is right for alienating his son; they remind him that the Bible says, “it is the beginning of the end” when “sons […] rise against their Fathers.” Moreover, an elder in the village delivers a lasting “verdict” on the situation with the simple statement, “it has never been heard.” This, taken with the other dire warnings the villagers give Okeke, imply that Nnaemeka’s refusal to marry the woman of his father’s choosing is an exceptionally grave insult, one that previous generations of sons would have never entertained. Again, Achebe emphasizes that a son’s duty to his father is and has always been to marry a wife his father deems suitable. So Nnaemeka is essentially turning his back on not only his father but previous generations of family members who faithfully followed this rule. Nevertheless, Okeke refuses to entertain his neighbors’ suggestion that he rectify the situation by visiting a native doctor; he notes that Nnaemeka’s stubbornness is enough for his son to kill himself, “with his own hands,” adding that he will no longer have any part in it. While Okeke refuses to see a native doctor, he still implies that his son has made a fatal decision.

Okeke, nevertheless, eventually learns that Nnaemeka and Nene have children, which forces him to see the conflict between him and his son in a new light. For the first time, he entertains the possibility that his harsh reaction may permanently disrupt his family lineage. He is so anxious that his family will never recover from his alienation that as he chastises himself, Okeke imagines nature is chastising him as well for destroying the sacred connection between a family’s past and present. Okeke realizes that “it was one of those rare occasions when even nature takes a hand in a human fight. Very soon it began to rain […] [coming] down in large sharp drops […] accompanied by the lightning and thunder which mark a change of season.” In this moment, even nature spurs him to change his ways so that he can restore order between the past and the future generations and ensure his family endures beyond his conflict with his Nnaemeka. Okeke’s consequent guilt and fear “that he might die without making it up to them”—presumably his grandchildren, but perhaps his son and daughter-in-law as well—are a positive sign that he understands the stakes of his flawed decision. It also implies that he is willing to make amends to save his family from losing its connection to the past, thereby setting up the future generation for success.