The members of the black South African families at the center of Mother to Mother rely on each other and their larger community for support and structure. In a country where many social support systems and government help have failed, black South Africans are left only with the strong, tight-knit communities and family units that have carried them through since before colonization. These groups, tied by proximity, blood, and tradition, offer a sense of comfort and safety in a hard world. However, as Mandisa discovers most poignantly when she joins her new husband’s family, they also create distinct expectations and demands that can be incredibly burdensome. The novel ultimately argues that family and community, and the obligations that come with them, are both a blessing and a curse—at once a support system and a prison.
Mandisa’s life is a testament to the way that family units can be a source of productive discipline and firm guidance, as well as encouragement and support. As an adult, Mandisa loves and does all she can for her children. At the same time, she believes that as a mother it is her duty to give them rules to follow and keep them in line. She notes, “As I step out of the door minutes later, I hastily throw out a couple of reminders: what they’re supposed to do for me that day around the house, what food they’re not to touch. […] Not that I think this makes any difference to what will actually happen. But, as a mother, I’m supposed to have authority over my children, over the running of my house.” To her, love and respect and authority are all tightly connected, and as a parent she is a figure who alternately offers comfort and discipline when necessary. Mandisa’s own parents raised her this way: she recalls how her strict mother would bring her and her brother to church while other children had Sunday mornings free, and would rarely let the kids out to play, instead saddling them with errands and chores. Mandisa implies that even though her younger self felt stifled at times, living in accordance with such rigid rules gave her a structure and set of boundaries that she needed as a child. As she got older, Mandisa was motivated to continue with school because of her mother’s pressure, and now similarly encourages her children to attend classes. Though Mandisa’s childhood was far from perfect, she benefited from the firm structure and moral guidance that her mother provided her with, and went on to model that combination of support and constructive discipline for her own children.
At the same time, the novel highlights how family relationships can require obligations that are too demanding, and how adherence to wider community traditions and expectations can actually burden or isolate individuals and push them away from their families and communities. For instance, when Mandisa becomes pregnant despite having carefully avoided penetrative sex, her mother and father (Mama and Tata) practically disown her and force her to marry China, the child’s father, although she is no longer interested in him (and vice versa). Mandisa then suffers in her in-laws’ home, as she is treated like a servant as she acclimates to the new household (a common cultural practice called ukuhota) and openly despised by her new husband; however, she feels she has no other choice but to press on and do what her new family and community expects of her. This leads to her own suffering, but also the suffering of China, who eventually leaves her, feeling stifled by his unwanted role as a father and husband. Mandisa’s suffering and China’s desperate flight reveal how familial and traditional expectations can pull people apart instead of draw them together.
The novel also examines how family can be burdensome in the context of parents and children, noting that parents often logically feel responsible for their children. Although she is not directly responsible for the murder Mxolisi commits, Mandisa nonetheless feels she failed as a mother—a view the wider community also holds—and carries his sin with her. She says, “God, you know my heart. I am not saying my child shouldn’t be punished for his sin. But I am a mother, with a mother’s heart. The cup You have given me is too bitter to swallow. The shame. The hurt of the other mother.” Mandisa prays for God to forgive her son, taking responsibility for his spiritual redemption, partially because she feels shame and hurt on his behalf, as well as an obligation to ease his own suffering. Although not directly tied to her son’s crime, Mandisa, as his mother, feels bound up in her son’s actions and choices.
Finally, because so many expect others to honor family and community commitments, when those fall through, people are left even more destitute than before. When family is all a person has, the lack of support becomes even more noticeable. When Mandisa becomes pregnant, her mother is so disappointed in her she sends her away to live with her grandmother Makhulu. When Mandisa eventually returns, her father refuses to recognize her as his daughter, and his soon-to-be grandchild as a relative. This is incredibly hurtful to Mandisa, who, in a time of great uncertainty, needs the love of family more than anything. Furthermore, while Mandisa’s family doesn’t accept her, they expect China and his family to unflinchingly accept Mandisa as the mother of their child, and to take care of her. When China eventually runs away after only a couple years of marriage, Mandisa is left with no true support system and no clear future. Despite this abandonment, Mandisa ultimately goes on to create a family with her son, who brings her joy but is also her greatest sorrow. This supports the broader argument that family is an important source of comfort but also has the potential to cause great pain and suffering.
Related Themes from Other Texts
Family, Tradition, and Obligation ThemeTracker
Family, Tradition, and Obligation Quotes in Mother to Mother
My son killed your daughter. People look at me as though I did it. The generous ones as though I made him do it, as though I could make this child do anything. Starting from when he was less than six years old, even before he lost his first tooth or went to school. Starting, if truth be known, from before he was conceived; when he, with total lack of consideration if not downright malice, seeded himself inside my womb. But now, people look at me as if I’m the one who woke up one shushu day and said, Boyboy, run out and see whether, somewhere out there, you can find a white girl with nothing better to do than run around Guguletu, where she does not belong.
As I step out of the door minutes later, I hastily throw out a couple of reminders: what they’re supposed to do for me that day around the house, what food they’re not to touch. “And remember, I want you all in when I come back!” Not that I think this makes any difference to what will actually happen. But, as a mother, I’m supposed to have authority over my children, over the running of my house. Never mind that I’m never there. Monday to Saturday, I go to work in the kitchen of my mlungu woman, Mrs Nelson; leaving the house before the children go to school and coming back long after the sun has gone to sleep. I am not home when they come back from school. Things were much better in the days when I only had Mxolisi. […] To remind them of my rules therefore, each morning I give these elaborate, empty instructions regarding their behaviour while I am away. A mere formality, a charade, something nobody ever heeds. The children do pretty much as they please. And get away with it too. Who can always remember what was forbidden and what was permitted? By the time I get back in the evening, I am too tired to remember all that. I have a hard time remembering my name, most of the time, as it is. But, we have to work. We work, to stay alive.
Wednesday is a school day. However, not one of my children will go to school. This burdensome knowledge I carry with me as a tortoise carries her shell. But, it weighs my spirit down. Two days ago, the Congress of South African Students (COSAS) ordered the school children to join Operation Barcelona, a campaign they say is in support of their teachers who are on strike. Students were urged to stay away from school, to burn cars and to drive reactionary elements out of the townships. Flint to tinder. The students fell over each other to answer the call. Now, anyone who disagrees with them, the students label “reactionary.” This has struck stark fear in many a brave heart. One student leader has publicly announced, “We wish to make it clear to the government that we are tired of sitting without teachers in our classes.” These big-mouthed children don’t know anything. They have no idea how hard life is; and if they’re not careful, they’ll end up in the kitchens and gardens of white homes ... just like us, their mothers and fathers. See how they’ll like it then.
“What is the matter with our people? Don’t they know the police will pull this township apart? Is it not enough we kill each other as though the other is an animal and one is preparing a feast? Is that not evil enough? A white woman? Are people mad? Have they lost their minds?” My voice was shrill to my own ears and I saw that my hands shook. Indeed, my whole body was trembling.
“It’s schoolchildren who did that,” said my neighbour.
I gasped, memories of the debate on the bus returning to haunt me. Words I’d taken not quite seriously, now wore a ghastly sinister shade of meaning.
“Who else would do such a mad thing?”
I thought I detected a note of gloating in her voice. Skonana has no children and somehow manages to make that seem such a virtue. “I have no children and no worries,” is her favourite saying, whenever any one of us complains of some misdeed one of our offspring has sprung on us. Skonana seems to equate child with problem. Mind you, looking at what scraps our children do get into these days, she could have a point. But I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her that.
The sea of tin shacks lying lazily in the flats, surrounded by gentle white hills, sandy hills dotted with scrub, gave us (all of us, parents and children alike) such a fantastic sense of security we could not conceive of its ever ceasing to exist. Thus, convinced of the inviolability offered by our tremendous numbers, the size of our settlement, the belief that our dwelling places, our homes, and our burial places were sacred, we laughed at the absurdity of the rumour.
“The afterbirths of our children are deep in this ground. So are the foreskins of our boys and the bleached bones of our long dead,” Grandfather Mxube, the location elder, told Mama one day, when they were discussing, once again, this very same question of forced removals. Blouvlei was going nowhere, he said. “Going nowhere,” he reiterated, right fist beating hard against palm of the other hand.
With the passage of time, our schools only grew worse. In 1976, students rose in revolt and, before long, Bantu Education had completely collapsed. It had become education in name only.
My son, Mxolisi, is twenty. Yet he is still in Standard 6. Standard 6! As though he were twelve or thirteen years old. But then, he is not alone, neither is he the oldest student in his class. Twenty. And still in Standard 6. And I am not saying he is the brightest pupil in his class either.
Boycotts, strikes and indifference have plagued the schools in the last two decades. Our children have paid the price.
Standard Six and, come year’s end, would sit for external examinations. A not insignificant step, as Mama reminded me daily: Gone is the time for playing.
Mama had high hopes for me ... for both of us, my brother and me. Our parents believed that education would free us from the slavery that was their lot as uneducated labourers.
Yes, we had our plans. But the year had its plans too; unbeknown to us, of course.
But that was not her way of doing things. Not as far as my being in danger was concerned. She seemed to think each time I left the house, I could only return with a stomach. To the disgrace of the entire Chizama clan; not just our family. Besides, she was a secretary of the Mothers’ Union at our church. With such high office, she didn’t want anyone to say she had raised a rotten potato. By all means, Mama made sure her potato stayed unspoilt.
[…]
That was the beginning of many a trial, for me. Mama’s making sure I remained “whole” or ‘unspoilt” as she said.
“God put mothers on earth, to ensure the health of their daughters,” I heard often, whenever I attempted to resist the practice. Each time she looked, she’d wash her hands thereafter. But I was the one who felt dirty.
Then, the flood came. A torrent of tears gushing unchecked down her cheeks. Then followed the wailing. Mama keened as though announcing the death of a beloved, honoured relative.
“What will the church people say?” Mama wailed. “What are they to think of me?” The shame to the family would surely kill her, she said.
Auntie Funiwe reminded her that this was a sad accident and that the family had nothing to be ashamed of. “This child has not disgraced the name of the family.”
“Oh, you don’t know anything,” Mama continued her wailing. “My enemies are going to rejoice. They’re going to laugh at me now.”
“What do you care for such small-minded, mean people?” Auntie asked. “Let them laugh, their turn’ll come,” she said. “Ours now is to look after this child,” she nodded my way. “We must support and protect her now. How do you think she must be feeling?”
Feeling? I was numb, beyond feeling. Mama’s coming, her reaction, had drained the last ounce of feeling from me. Fear. Shame. Anger. All these and more mingled together to form one strong thinning liquid that replaced my blood.
“I am going to boarding school the following year,” he said, his voice flat, with neither gladness nor sorrow in it. With no trace of sadness or regret.
[…]
“The teachers have helped me get a scholarship. They think I am bright, I deserve to get a higher education. And Father has been wonderfully cooperative ... I have his complete support.”
I could not believe his insensitivity. Did China really think I had wanted to leave school, have a baby, become his wife ... or anybody’s wife, for that matter? Did he think I had not had plans for continuing with my education?
I stood there, my feet weighed a ton. I stood there, and a heavy stone came and lodged itself inside my heart. While he was busy explaining his plans and his difficulties, I saw another side to the boy I had so adored and not that long ago. China was vain. Self-centered. And weak. He was a low-down heartless cur.
Once more, it was brought home to me what turmoil the coming of this child had brought to my life. Were it not for him, of course, I would still be in school. Instead, I was forced into being a wife, forever abandoning my dreams, hopes, aspirations. For ever.
“For shoulders so tender, so far from fully formed, great is the weight you bear. You hold yourself and you are held ...” — she paused before saying the word ... “responsible.” She said the word with a sigh, as though she were a judge sending a young person, a first offender, to the gallows. Sending him there because of some terrible and overwhelming evidence she dared disregard only at her own peril.
[…]
“Mama,” she said, her voice once more her own. “You must free this your son.”
I said I didn’t understand.
“You know what I’m talking about. Go home. Think about your child. Children are very sensitive. They know when we hate them.” After a small pause she shook her head. “Perhaps, I use a word too strong ... but, resentment can be worse than hate.”
It was my turn to gasp. My whole being turned to ice. Tears pricked my eyes. I felt my father-in-law’s eyes on me and turned mine his way. His brow was gathered, his eyes wide with unasked questions. But the sangoma wasn’t done.
“But to come back to why you have come to see me,” she broke our locked eyes, “this child has seen great evil in his short little life. He needs all the love and understanding he can get.”
Were he to leave school before finishing high school, he would be sorry for the rest of his life. He would be part of the thousands upon thousands of young people who roam the township streets aimlessly day and night. That is how Mxolisi stayed long enough in school to become a high school student.
Unfortunately, it is in that high school that serious problems started. Mxolisi got himself involved in politics. Boycotts and strikes and stay-aways and what have you? Soon, he was a leader in students’ politics and many who didn’t know his face knew his name.
These children went around the township screaming at the top of their voices: LIBERATION NOW, EDUCATION LATER! and ONE SETTLER, ONE BULLET! And the more involved in politics he got, the less we saw him here at home.
“Mmelwane,” Skonana quickly jumped in. “We have come to cry with you ... as is our custom, to grieve with those who grieve.”
I didn’t know what to say or feel. I had not summoned my neighbours. Usually, the keening of mourners calls neighbours to the house that death has visited. I had not called my neighbours — I had not announced the death. Yes, there has been a death. But is it I who may keen? Is it I whom people should help grieve?
“We have come to be with you in this time,” Yolisa’s voice said.
And we talked, my neighbours and I. It was like the opening of a boil. Thereafter, I was not so afraid of my neighbours’ eyes. I did not immediately see condemnation in the eyes that beheld mine. When some stay away, I do not tell myself they are embarrassed or avoiding me. And even if they do, I know there are some among my friends and neighbours who feel for me — who understand my pain.
It is people such as these who give me strength. And hope. I hear there are churches and other groups working with young people and grownups. Helping. So that violence may stop, Or at least be less than it is right now. That is a good thing. We need to help each other ... all of us, but especially the children. Otherwise they grow up to be a problem for everyone. And then everybody suffers. I pray there may be help even for young people like Mxolisi. That they may change and come back better people.
My Sister-Mother, we are bound in this sorrow. You, as I, have not chosen this coat that you wear. It is heavy on our shoulders, I should know. It is heavy, only God knows how. We were not asked whether we wanted it or not. We did not choose, we are the chosen.
But you, remember this, let it console you some, you never have to ask yourself: What did I not do for this child? You can carry your head sky high. You have no shame, no reason for shame. Only the loss. Irretrievable loss. Be consoled, however. Be consoled, for with your loss comes no shame. No deep sense of personal failure. Only glory. Unwanted and unasked for, I know. But let this be your source of strength, your fountain of hope, the light that illumines the depth of your despair.
