My Dark Vanessa

Back when Vanessa is 15, her school is hosting a Halloween dance. Vanessa doesn’t usually go to the dances, but she goes to this one because Mr. Strane is chaperoning. He has avoided Vanessa ever since he touched her leg in class a week ago. She longs for him to interact with her in any way, and she wonders what he wants with her. At the dance, Mr. Strane goes outside to smoke, and Vanessa follows him. Vanessa wears a cat costume. Outside, Mr. Strane calls her a “little pussy cat.” He says that he wants to put her to bed and kiss her goodnight. Ms. Thompson calls Mr. Strane back inside, and Vanessa gets the impression that they have a romantic relationship. She goes to her dorm and writes “BITCH” on the whiteboard outside Ms. Thompson’s door.

The next day, Vanessa feels bad for writing on Ms. Thompson’s board. She offers to take Ms. Thompson’s dog for a walk. Wanting to learn more about Mr. Strane, Vanessa walks the dog to his house, which he once mentioned was across the street from the library. Vanessa waits near the house until Mr. Strane comes home, and she watches him unload groceries from his car. The next day, Vanessa tells Mr. Strane that she watched him, and he says casually that she should have said hello. Vanessa is infuriated. She feels like Mr. Strane is pretending that there is nothing between them, even though he touched her leg and said he wanted to kiss her.

One day in class, Mr. Strane recites Walt Whitman’s “The Road Not Taken,” and he explains that the poem means that none of the choices people make in life really matter in the end. Strane then has the class read another Whitman poem, “Putting in the Seed,” and he tells the students that it’s about sex. Vanessa overhears Jenny say that she’s heard Mr. Strane is a misogynist. Later, at the writing club, Mr. Strane tells Vanessa that he didn’t expect her to be “scandalized” by the poem in class, but that she looked like a “startled little fawn.” Vanessa denies this and replies that she liked the poem. Mr. Strane says he’s glad and gives Vanessa a copy of Lolita. He warns her not to tell anyone he gave it to her.

Vanessa reads Lolita obsessively, understanding that Mr. Strane gave it to her so she could better understand his feelings for her. When she finishes the book, Vanessa feels like she has power over Mr. Strane. He has a lot to risk by initiating a romance with her, but she has nothing at stake. She realizes that it is up to her to show him what she wants. She feels sorry for Mr. Strane, thinking that he must be lonely, since people would demonize him if they knew about his feelings for Vanessa.

After finishing Lolita, Vanessa goes to class wearing more makeup than usual. After class, when they’re alone, she hands a highly suggestive poem to Mr. Strane, and, after reading it, he embraces her. She puts her mouth to his neck, and he kisses the top of her head. Vanessa senses an energy rising in him. He asks Vanessa what she wants to do, and she says she likes spending time with him. Mr. Strane slides his hand up her thigh and asks Vanessa if she likes it. Distraught, he falls to the floor and puts his head in her lap. He tells her he is in love with her but doesn’t want to ruin her. Vanessa senses that he wants her to give some approval of what is happening. She tells him she’s obsessed with him.  Mr. Strane kisses her, and she says she feels “weird.” He kisses her again.

The next day in class, Strane (Vanessa now finds it off-putting to call him “Mr. Strane”) talks about Ethan Frome. He asks the class repeatedly if Ethan should be blamed for his love of a much younger woman. Vanessa understands that Strane is talking about himself and that he feels guilty for kissing Vanessa. After class, she tells him she’s doing fine, but he still seems distraught. They plan to meet up in his classroom later that evening. Vanessa goes back to the classroom after dark, and they kiss.

A little while later, Vanessa and Jenny draw each other’s names in the dorm secret Santa. Vanessa gives Jenny a cheap bag of coffee, and Jenny gets Vanessa a gift card, with a personal note saying that she wants to repair the friendship. Vanessa disregards it. She thinks Jenny only wants to be friends because Jenny and her boyfriend broke up. Even though Vanessa initially despaired over her friendship with Jenny ending, she barely thinks about Jenny these days—now, Strane occupies all her thoughts.

The next time Vanessa is alone with Strane, he tells her that the name “Vanessa” originates with Jonathon Swift. Swift tutored a young woman named Esther, but, Strane says, “He broke her name apart and put it back together as something new.” Vanessa feels like that’s what Strane is doing to her. Strane says Swift’s story reminds him of fate, and Vanessa tells him that she feels like she was born to be with Strane. This excites him, and they kiss again.

Vanessa is upset that she has to spend the three-week Christmas break away from Strane. She’s also upset that he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. He calls her sensitive, and she cries because she feels ridiculous. She says she feels like she is losing control of herself, and she wants Strane to say the same thing, but he doesn’t. He proposes that after the vacation, Vanessa come to spend the night at his house. Vanessa is scared, but she insists that she wants to go to his house. He says they can just eat dinner and watch a movie, and he tells Vanessa that she is “in charge” of the entire situation. She considers to herself that even though she’s not being forced to do anything, she doesn’t feel “in charge.”

During the Christmas break, Vanessa steals a nightgown from her mother that makes her look more like an adult. When Strane sees Vanessa after the break, he immediately forcefully kisses her and shoves his thigh in between her legs. He says he is surprised at how much he missed Vanessa, and when she questions him, he explains that they don’t know each other very well. On Friday, she sneaks out of her dorm, and Strane drives her to his house. She notices a bottle of whiskey and a whiskey glass on the counter. Vanessa suggests watching TV, but Strane says they should just go to bed. He bought her a girl’s pajama set with strawberries on it.

Vanessa changes into the pajamas, and when Strane sees her in them, he says “Oh no.” They both lie in bed. Strane mentions that he wants to see her bedroom one day, but Vanessa says it will never happen. Strane tells her about his family—his mother was a teacher, and she was an angry person who never liked him. He offers to sleep on the couch, but Vanessa says he should stay. Strane calls her perfect and starts kissing and touching her. He repeatedly asks permission after he's already started touching different parts of her body. Still fully clothed, he performs oral sex on her and says that that is all they will do “for now.” Vanessa wants him to do it again, but she’s also relieved that this is all he wants to do.

In the middle of the night, Strane—now naked— wakes Vanessa and guides her hand to his penis. She is disgusted and wants to stop looking at him, but she feels like it would be selfish of her to stop. He asks if she wants to have sex, and she responds that she’s afraid of getting pregnant. He says that she won’t because he’s had a vasectomy. He pushes himself into her, and she starts to cry. He tells her that it won’t hurt for long, and he keeps pushing. Vanessa cries harder, and he keeps going. After, Vanessa feels like her mind is still and that she is nothing. They have sex again, and Vanessa enjoys the feeling of his body on top of hers. Vanessa feels like Strane forced her to have sex with him, but she doesn’t tell him this.