Face, a London servant and conman, enters with Subtle and Doll Common, his criminal associates. Face’s master, Lovewit, has fled the city for his country home on account of an outbreak of the plague, and Face is running a criminal operation out of Lovewit’s city home in his absence. They are waiting for their first victim of the day: a law clerk named Dapper. Dapper is in search of a “familiar,” a bit of alchemical magic that will help him win at cards and gambling, and Face has convinced him that Subtle is a respected mystic and doctor of alchemy. Dapper arrives and is greeted by Face in a captain’s disguise. Subtle tells Dapper that he has the skill to conjure him a “familiar,” but he is hesitant. Alchemical magic cannot be used to such immoral ends, Subtle says, but Dapper begs and promises to give half his winnings to Subtle and Face. Subtle agrees and tells Dapper that he must meet the “Fairy Queen” to get his “familiar,” and she doesn’t rise until the afternoon. He must come back, but he must first complete the ritual. Dapper must fast and place three drops of vinegar in his nose, two in his mouth, and one in each eye. Then, he must wash the tips of his fingers and his eyes and “hum” and “buzz” three times. Dapper agrees and immediately runs home.
Next is Abel Drugger, a local shopkeeper, who comes to Subtle looking for advice on his new business. He asks Subtle where he should place his door and shelves and how he should display his merchandise to guarantee success. Subtle tells Drugger that his new business should face south, and that he should place a magnet under the threshold of his door to attract business. He says that Drugger was born under a “rare star” and will be very lucky in business and in life. In fact, Subtle says, Drugger is so lucky, he might even come into possession of the philosopher’s stone—a rare alchemical substance that is said to turn base metals to gold and produce the elixir of life, which promises eternal youth and life. Drugger gives Subtle a handful of coins and excitedly rushes out the door. Face looks to Subtle. Since it is his job to find “gulls” like Abel Drugger, Face says, he clearly deserves a larger cut of the profits.
Sir Epicure Mammon arrives next, along with his friend Surly. Mammon believes that Subtle is busy creating the philosopher’s stone for him, and Mammon has been talking around town as if he already has it. With the stone, Mammon will transform himself into a rich man, and he will cure the sick and stop the plague in its tracks. Surly doesn’t believe in the magic of the philosopher’s stone, and he thinks Face and Subtle are conmen; however, Mammon is convinced they are all legitimate. Face greets them dressed as an alchemist’s assistant and says that Subtle is busy at “projection,” one of the final stages of the alchemical process, after which the stone is created. Mammon tells Face all about his plans for the elixir, which he will also use to give himself unparalleled sexual prowess. He will have sex with 50 women a night, and he will line his bedchamber with mirrors, so his reflection is multiplied as he walks naked through his “succubae.” Subtle enters and tells Mammon to go home and fetch all his metal and iron, for they will soon make “projection.” Surly tries again to tell Mammon that Face and Subtle are conmen, but Mammon is distracted by Doll, who has just walked by. Mammon definitely wants to meet her when he comes back. Surly tells Mammon that Doll is clearly a prostitute and they are in a “bawdy-house,” but Mammon won’t hear it.
There is a knock at the door and Ananias, an Anabaptist who has come to barter for Mammon’s metal and iron, enters. Ananias isn’t impressed with Subtle and Face’s fancy alchemical jargon, and he calls them “heathens.” Subtle asks Ananias if he has brought money, but Ananias says he and his brethren will give Subtle no more money until they “see projection.” Subtle angrily kicks Ananias out, claiming he will only negotiate with Ananias’s pastor in the future. Face enters with Drugger, who tells him about a rich widow named Dame Pliant. Dame Pliant has come to town with her brother, Kestrel, who is looking for someone to teach him to quarrel and live by his wits. Kestrel is also looking for a husband for his sister, and he will only allow her to marry an aristocrat. Face tells Drugger that Subtle is the wittiest man in London, and he can read Dame Pliant’s horoscope as well. Drugger agrees to bring Dame Pliant and her brother to see them, and Face excitedly tells Subtle about the widow. They briefly argue over who will get to marry Dame Pliant and ultimately decide to draw straws—and to not tell Doll.
Ananias returns with his pastor, Tribulation Wholesome. Neither men like nor trust Subtle and Face, and Tribulation even refers to Subtle as “antichristian,” but they are willing to do what they must to get the philosopher’s stone and further their religious cause. Tribulation apologizes to Subtle for Ananias’s earlier visit, and Subtle tells him that he is still weeks away from creating the stone, but he offers to teach them to melt pewter to cast Dutch money in the meantime. Tribulation says he will return to his brethren to determine if casting money is lawful and exits with Ananias. Face enters and says he has just met a Spaniard who is very interested in meeting Doll, and he is headed over later. There is a knock at the door, and Doll says it is Dapper, who has returned for his “familiar.” Face tells Doll to put on her “Fairy Queen” disguise and get ready. Subtle enters dressed as a “Priest of Fairy” and tells Dapper he must empty his pockets of all valuables before he meets the Queen. Subtle and Face dress Dapper in a petticoat—the only way the Fairy will meet him—and blindfold him. Suddenly, there is another knock at the door. It is Mammon, and since Face and Subtle don’t want Dapper and Mammon to meet, they gag Dapper with a rag and a gingerbread cookie and shove him in the privy.
Mammon enters with his metal and iron and asks where Subtle is. Face claims he is busy in his laboratory, so Mammon asks about Doll instead. Face claims Doll is a “rare scholar” and the sister of an aristocrat, and he says she has gone mad after reading the works of a Puritan scholar. Face offers to introduce Mammon to Doll, but Mammon must not mention religion, and he must keep their introduction quiet—if Subtle thinks Mammon has any ill intentions, he won’t give him the stone. Doll enters, and after Mammon sweet talks her a bit, they go to the garden for more privacy. Then, Subtle enters with Kestrel and Dame Pliant. Subtle agrees to teach Kestrel how to be witty, but first he must meet Dame Pliant. He kisses her and pretends to read her palm, and he tells her she will soon marry an aristocrat. Subtle escorts Kestrel and Dame Pliant to his office, where he can begin Kestrel’s lesson and read Dame Pliant’s fortune, and Face enters with the Spaniard.
The Spaniard is really Surly in disguise, but he pretends not to speak English, and Subtle and Face don’t seem to notice. They insult the Spaniard, believing he can’t understand them, and they openly admit they are out to “cozen” him. Then, Face and Subtle remember the Spaniard has come to see Doll, who is busy in the garden with Mammon. They begin to panic, but Face suggests they introduce the Spaniard to Dame Pliant. Subtle hesitates, wanting Dame Pliant for himself, but ultimately agrees. Face goes to fetch Dame Pliant and Kestrel and convinces them that the Dame is destined to marry a Spanish count, which, Face says, is the best sort of aristocrat. Kestrel agrees and orders his sister to the garden with Surly to get to know each other. Face, Kestrel, and Subtle exit, and Doll and Mammon enter. Doll is ranting and raving in an acute bout of insanity, and Mammon is unable to calm her down. Face enters and guides Doll out of the room, followed by Subtle, who is angry that Mammon has obviously behaved lustfully with Doll. He claims Mammon’s behavior will set “projection” back at least a month. There is a loud explosion from the other room, and Face rushes in, claiming the stone has burst into flames. There is nothing to be spared, Face says, and Mammon leaves, convinced his sinfulness has cost him the stone.
In the meantime, Surly tells Dame Pliant that Subtle and Face are conmen. He tries to tell Kestrel as well, but Kestrel decides to test out his new quarreling skills and chases Surly from the house. Suddenly, Doll claims that Face’s master, Lovewit, has returned and is standing outside. Face tells Doll and Subtle to pack up their loot and get ready to leave, and then Face goes to shave. Lovewit is talking to the neighbors, who say a steady stream of people have been in and out of his house all month. Lovewit asks where his butler, Jeremy, is, but no one has seen him. Lovewit goes inside and is greeted by Face, who, since shaving, looks again like Jeremy the butler. He tells Lovewit he was forced to close up the house after the cat came down with the plague and has been gone for the past three weeks. The house must have been occupied by criminals in his absence, Face says. Suddenly, Face’s victims—Mammon, Surly, Kestrel, and the Anabaptists—converge on the house, looking for the “rouges” who tricked them, and Dapper appears, having eaten through his gag. Face knows he is caught, so he promises to introduce Lovewit to Dame Pliant if he promises not to punish him. Lovewit agrees and refuses to let in the angry victims, who go to fetch the police.
Dapper is still interested in meeting the “Fairy Queen,” so Face, Subtle, and Doll quickly pull one last scam. Doll disguises herself as the Queen, gives Dapper a bird for good luck, and promises to leave him trunks full of treasure and “some twelve thousand acres of Fairyland.” Dapper exits just as the police arrive, and Face tells Subtle and Doll they must leave before they are arrested. Lovewit has pardoned Face, but not them, and there is no time for them to take their profits. Doll and Subtle leave angrily, having been tricked and robbed by Face. Lovewit convinces the police that criminal conmen broke into his house in his absence, and he chases off Face’s angry victims. Lovewit turns to the audience and says he is very happy with his new wife, Dame Pliant, and Face says he is happy to get off “clean” from his crimes and “invite new guests.”
