The Girl Who Smiled Beads

Clemantine is a hard person to love. She wants to be loved but not needed. She doesn’t like to get comfortable, and she always maintains the right to disappear. Her body is a burden she carries around with her. It is hard for her to remember her body’s suffering and still find it beautiful. A woman’s experience with war is rape, whether it’s physical, psychological, or social. Thousands of men are murdered during war, but women die later from HIV and the effects of rape. Clemantine tries to compose herself so that she no longer fears men; the first time Ryan says he loves her, she feels he is trying to dominate and possess her.

Ryan is patient and gentle. He is white and “jocky,” a stereotypical American male. He and Clemantine are together for five years, and she depends on him. Once, Clemantine goes to Burning Man and Ryan stays home. When she wakes up in the tent, her brain snaps into survival mode; she wonders where food is and studies the campsite map. She feels lost and disoriented and looks at pictures of Claire’s kids on her phone to remind herself she has a family.

Clemantine finds Rwanda beautiful, but everyone there feels they deserve pain. On her most recent trip to Kigali, she stays in the lovely home of a man she calls Uncle. When Clemantine is not at Uncle’s house, she spends her time on the top floor of the public library, drinking lattes and looking out over the green hills of Kigali. She notices a huge new development of white apartment buildings. They are sterile and cold, seeming to say that those who live there don’t deserve beauty.

In Rwanda, the last Saturday of every month is dedicated to cleaning up the country physically and emotionally. Clemantine joins a group that is clearing an overgrown field with machetes. Rwandans have gotten used to machetes again, but they bring back horrible memories for Clemantine.

One afternoon, Clemantine lies on a blanket in Uncle’s garden enjoying the warm sun. For the first time since she was six, she feels relaxed. She is wearing bright, floral clothes. She feels like a child again. Before Clemantine leaves Rwanda, she and Vicki—a childhood friend of Claire’s—drive up the hill to watch the sunset. Clemantine knows it’s beautiful even if she can’t feel it. On the way back, they drive close to Clemantine’s childhood neighborhood. They buy warm chapati. Eating it reminds Clemantine of the bathrobe she had as a child.

Before Clemantine went to Rwanda, she and Ryan talked about getting married. Clemantine doesn’t want to get married; she thinks marriage is possession. Ryan loves Clemantine more than she loves herself, and so she pushes him away. When she returns from Rwanda, Ryan has moved out of their apartment. He knew her deepest fear was being abandoned, but he’d taken his stuff and gone. All Clemantine’s fears come rushing back. She stands in her empty apartment and tries to breathe.