The Great Automatic Grammatizator

In America, women are the dominant sex. They control most of the country’s wealth, can easily divorce their husbands, and live as they please. American men, on the other hand, marry young and are chronically overworked, forced to support their wives—and ex-wives—indefinitely. In shadowy bars, young men gather to exchange tales of husbands outwitting their demanding wives and their wives’ secret lovers. One story, “Mrs. Bixby and the Colonel’s Coat,” is especially popular among these men—not because it’s a fantasy, but because it’s true.

Mr. Cyril Bixby, a dentist, lives with his wife in a New York City apartment. Once a month, Mrs. Bixby takes an overnight trip to Pennsylvania, always on a Friday, under the pretense of visiting her aunt. In reality, these trips are a cover for her affair with the wealthy Colonel. For eight years, their affair continues—until the Colonel abruptly ends it. As Mrs. Bixby waits for her train back to New York, his servant delivers a parting gift: a luxurious mink coat. Though the sting of the breakup is still fresh, it is dulled quite significantly by the Colonel’s extravagant gift.

Realizing she has no way to explain to Mr. Bixby how she came into possession of an expensive mink coat, Mrs. Bixby devises a plan. On her way home, she stops at a pawn shop, telling the pawnbroker she lost her wallet and needs to leave the coat as collateral until she finds it. He gives her $50, and she promises to return in a couple of days. She signs the pawn ticket but deliberately omits her name and address before taking her copy and leaving.

At home, Mrs. Bixby finds Cyril reading the newspaper. As he prepares their drinks, she watches him with quiet disdain, critiquing his clothing and noting how small he seems compared to the Colonel. In her mind, her husband is weak and unremarkable—an “ageing peacock” or a “subsexual dandelion.” Casually, she retrieves the pawn ticket from her purse and claims she found it in her taxi. Playing innocent, she listens as Cyril explains its significance, growing excited at the idea that the unclaimed item could be something valuable. When she suggests picking it up herself on Monday, Cyril insists on retrieving it on his way to work instead.

As Cyril leaves for the pawn shop, Mrs. Bixby asks him to call her when he finds out what the item is. When the phone finally rings, she can barely contain her excitement—Cyril confirms it’s something remarkable, and they agree to meet at his dental office. There, he instructs her to close her eyes before placing the item in her hands: not a luxurious mink coat, but a small, “mangy” mink neckpiece. As Cyril gushes about the fur’s supposed value, Mrs. Bixby struggles to mask her disappointment and silently curses the pawnbroker for swindling her. As she leaves, Cyril casually mentions he’ll be working late that evening. Mrs. Bixby walks past his secretary, Miss Pulteney, who is wearing the Colonel’s beautiful mink coat.