The Lover

The narrator, an unnamed White woman, reflects on her youth growing up in French Indochina, or more specifically, French-colonized Vietnam. The narrator remembers, at 15-and-a-half, crossing the Mekong River on a ferry and attending a boarding school in Saigon (presently known as Ho Chi Minh City). While growing up, the narrator’s mother worked as a teacher and heavily emphasized the importance of education: she wanted the narrator to continue on to high school and pursue a degree in math. As the narrator reflects on her youth, she remarks that she suddenly “grew old” at 18. Her facial features began to reflect sadness, and deep wrinkles formed across her forehead. The narrator states that she doesn’t believe that her “old” appearance was caused by the sun or her family’s poverty. She asserts that “something” happened when she was 18, and she “wanted to kill” her elder brother.

The narrator thinks back to being 15 and crossing the Mekong River. On that day, she was on her way back to her boarding school in Saigon, and she remembers wearing a real silk dress, gold high heels, and a men’s fedora with a black ribbon. The narrator emphasizes that her outfit was peculiar because, at that time, no woman or girl would wear a hat intended for a man. However, her young self fell in love with the contradictory nature of her feminine body and golden heels juxtaposed against the men’s fedora. The narrator recalls that it was her mother who bought her the fedora, and she reflects on the persistent moodiness and despair that tormented her mother throughout her childhood. The narrator recalls that sometimes her mother would buy her anything she wanted, but other times, her mother would seem unable to do anything at all.

Still reflecting on the same day, the narrator explains that on the ferry, there is a large limousine, in which a young Chinese man sits. The narrator states that the Chinese man was looking at her 15-year-old self and that, even at her young age, she had been used to male attention, particularly as a White girl living in French Indochina. The narrator also reflects on desire, which she believes is something that either immediately exists or doesn’t exist at all. In the narrator’s eyes, she didn’t need to attract the Chinese man’s attention; he was interested in her from the start.

Reflecting on the clothes that she wore in her youth, the narrator remembers Dô, her mother’s housekeeper, who once sewed dresses for the narrator. The narrator remembers Dô as infallibly loyal to her mother, though Dô was almost sexually assaulted by the narrator’s elder brother. Then, reiterating the idea of being 15-and-a-half to herself, the narrator recalls that she always knew she wanted to be a writer—an idea of which her mother disapproved. As the narrator reflects on how her mother seemed to have loved her brothers more while also seemingly feeling envious of her own daughter, the narrator calls her mother both “the beast” and her “love.”

Using the day on the Mekong ferry as a guide, the narrator states that that day occurs a year and a half prior to the day that her mother takes their family back to France. Later, the narrator recalls, her mother would again leave France and return to Indochina, settling in Saigon. In her old age, the narrator’s mother opens a French-language school called the Nouvelle École Française, which, importantly, allows her to provide for the narrator’s elder brother, whom the mother loved above all else.

The narrator explains that during Japanese occupation of Indochina, in the year 1942, her younger brother died of bronchial pneumonia, which caused his heart to give out. On the day of her younger brother’s death, the narrator explains, “[e]verything came to an end”: it was as though her mother and elder brother died to her, too. Seemingly blaming her mother and elder brother for her younger brother’s death, the narrator emphasizes that she no longer loves them anymore, and because of the detachment that she now feels, she can easily write about her mother. The narrator thinks of how her mother bought a place for her elder brother to live because he refused to earn his own money. She thinks of how her younger brother was found in the younger brother’s car.

On the day that the narrator crosses the Mekong river on the ferry, the Chinese man approaches her, visibly nervous and trembling as he smokes a cigarette. The Chinese man asks the narrator about herself, mentions that he’s heard of her mother, and compliments her appearance. The Chinese man has recently returned from studying in Paris and belongs to a group of financially well-off Chinese financiers who own working-class housing in Indochina. The Chinese man asks if he can give the narrator a ride once they disembark from the ferry, and the narrator agrees. In the present day, the narrator reflects on how, from that point onward, she would never take “native” transportation. In other words, she’d never ride on a bus or ferry that was typically taken by populations originally from Indochina because she would ride with the Chinese man.

The Chinese man begins giving the narrator rides from the high school at which her mother used to work and to the narrator’s boarding school. One day, the man picks up the narrator from the boarding school and brings her to his home, a “native housing estate” in Cholon, a neighborhood in Saigon. The man nervously confesses that he’s in love with the narrator, but the narrator knows that he’ll never understand her. Although the narrator is attracted to the man, she doesn’t love him, and she tells him that she would prefer that he didn’t love her. However, she says, if he does love her, she’d like for him to “do as [he] usually [does] with women.” This shocks the man, but the narrator repeats herself. As he has sex with her, the man cries.

The narrator recalls the Chinese man helping her recover from her first time having sex and remembers telling him about her family and that they live in poverty. The Chinese man says that the narrator must only want his money, and although the narrator doesn’t deny this, the man says that he will help her. Later in the day, after the narrator has taken a nap, she tells the man that she finds him desirable and that he “must possess [her] again.” The narrator and the Chinese man have sex again, and this time, the man is much rougher, calling the narrator a “whore” and “slut” and telling her that he knows she’ll deceive him someday.

Still reflecting on this day, the narrator recalls telling the Chinese man that she feels sad knowing she can never tell her mother about their relationship. The Chinese man says that he understands, though he “[can’t] bear” the question of marriage because he is Chinese and the narrator is White. In the evening, the narrator and the Chinese man go out to eat at a multi-floor Chinese restaurant and seat themselves on a quieter floor. The narrator insists that the Chinese man tell her about how his father became rich. In the present day, the narrator reflects on how she and the Chinese man never truly talked about themselves during their year-and-a-half affair.

The narrator emphasizes how afraid the Chinese man was during their affair. The narrator recounts that the Chinese man was afraid of their 12-year age difference, afraid that his father would find out, afraid of the narrator’s family, and afraid that he would lose the narrator. Nonetheless, the narrator convinces the Chinese man to take her mother, elder brother, and younger brother out for big dinners, during which no one speaks directly to the Chinese man. During these dinners, the narrators’ brothers order expensive drinks and food. When alone with the narrator, the Chinese man—on the brink of tears—asks her why her family treats him this way. The narrator explains that her elder brother’s instinct is always “to kill,” but the man shouldn’t worry.

The narrator thinks back to the one letter she received from her younger brother during the final 10 years of his life. After graduating from high school, the narrator left Saigon. Eleven years later, in December of 1942, the narrator’s younger brother would die. In the one letter he sent, the narrator recalls, her younger brother claimed to be fine. However, the narrator blames her elder brother for her younger brother’s death. She recalls a time during childhood in which her mother began to physically and verbally assault her because she suspected that the narrator had a sexual relationship with the Chinese man. The narrator recalls her elder brother coaxing their mother on, telling her that she’s right to beat the narrator.

The narrator recalls the progression of her affair with the Chinese man and says that they were “lovers” and “[couldn’t] stop loving each other.” The Chinese man’s fear continues, however, and he is terrified that the narrator will find another man or that someone will discover their relationship and incarcerate him. The narrator finds the man’s fear humorous, and she reminds him that because her family is so poor, her mother would never launch a lawsuit. In the narrator’s eyes, he isn’t in danger.

One night, the Chinese man drops the narrator off at her boarding school, and the narrator’s classmate Hélène Lagonelle is waiting for her. Hélène asks the narrator where she’s been and tells her that she has to go see the vice-principal. In the present day, the narrator thinks about how she and Hélène were the only White girls at the boarding school. After speaking with Hélène, the narrator finds the teacher on duty, who tells the narrator that her mother will be informed that she skipped class and spent the night outside of the school. When the narrator tells the teacher that she couldn’t help it and will try to do better, the teacher smiles. Eventually, when the narrator’s mother is called to the school, the higher-ups agree to let the narrator continue as she pleases.

Soon after the narrator’s mother’s meeting with boarding school higher-ups, the Chinese man gifts the narrator a diamond ring to wear on her ring finger—though he doesn’t actually propose. At this gesture, Hélène begins to despair because she thinks that the narrator will stop attending the same school as her. In the present day, the narrator reflects on how beautiful Hélène was and how attractive she found her body. She remarks that men’s bodies are “miserly” and “internalized,” whereas Hélène’s body was the most beautiful thing to exist. The narrator describes herself as having been “worn out with desire” for Hélène and wishing that the Chinese man could sexually pleasure Hélène, too.

The narrator says that she’ll tell the reader what her elder brother did. The narrator explains that he stole from her, their mother, her younger brother, and Dô. She says that even on their mother’s deathbed, he took advantage of her. When their mother died, the narrator’s elder brother wrote a fake will that granted him the majority of the inheritance, and although the narrator knew this will was false, she approved it when contacted by a lawyer. Nonetheless, the narrator’s elder brother gambled away his inheritance, and only when he’s over 50 does he hold his first job. Despite all of this, when their mother was alive, she believed that her elder son loved her the most of all her children.

The narrator recalls one day when the Chinese man was not in the limousine when his driver picked the narrator up from school. The narrator learns that the Chinese man’s father is ill and that the Chinese man has gone to visit him. Upon the Chinese man’s return, however, he shares that his father will live, but he’s demanded that the Chinese man end his affair with the narrator immediately. Unable to disobey his father’s wishes, the Chinese man readies himself to say goodbye to the narrator, who tells him that she agrees with his father. Eventually, the whole town has heard about the narrator’s affair with the Chinese man.

The narrator recalls—or perhaps imagines—her mother speaking to higher-ups at her boarding school. In this conversation, the narrator’s mother simultaneously says that innocence can’t be disgraced while laughing at what she calls her daughter’s “prostitution.” At the end of this conversation, the narrator states that her mother weeps. The narrator then recalls a conversation in which her mother tells her that “it’s all over” and she will never be able to get married in the French colonies because of her affair. Although the narrator emphasizes that she never told her mother about the affair, it’s clear that her mother does know about it. The narrator’s mother asks if the narrator is with the Chinese man for his money, and the narrator hesitates before agreeing.

The narrator and the Chinese man continue to have sex as they approach their final days together, though the narrator remarks that the Chinese man stopped speaking to her. In the present day, the narrator reflects on this relationship and asserts that she “became his child,” and that “[it] was with his own child he made love every evening.” When the date of their separation was decided upon, the Chinese man said that he could no longer have sex with the narrator. They tried to stop seeing each other but found that they couldn’t.

Ultimately, the narrator leaves Indochina for France, and sometime after their separation, the Chinese man marries a Chinese woman of his father’s choosing. Many, many years later, after the narrator has had her own children, gone through a divorce, and published books, the Chinese man—still married to his wife—calls the narrator. The Chinese man, trembling as usual, tells the narrator that he heard that she became a writer and that he heard about her younger brother’s death. Then the Chinese man tells the narrator that he never stopped loving her, could never stop, and would love her until he died.