The Princess Bride

Goldman says that according to Professor Bongiorno, this chapter represents the pinnacle of Morgenstern's “satiric genius.” It describes the first 30 days of wedding festivities, but Goldman says that the only important bits are that Prince Humperdinck starts being nice to Buttercup, relations with Guilder sour, the people idolize Buttercup more than ever, and Humperdinck is finally seen as a hero (up to this point, the populace has resented him for hunting and not governing). At the end of 30 days, Morgenstern offers three flashbacks to explain what happened to Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik.

Inigo comes to and realizes he's tied up. He uses his feet to pull his sword close and cuts himself free. Now, he must go back to the beginning, which is what Vizzini told him to do if things went wrong. Inigo even made up a rhyme for Fezzik to remember this. However, Inigo isn't excited to go back to the Thieves Quarter in Florin City without Fezzik, as he's a small man and looks easy to rob. He also wonders if he's not a great fencer anymore. Goldman cuts in and says that what follows is a six-page soliloquy on the nature of fleeting glory, as Morgenstern's book before The Princess Bride had been a critical failure. Goldman also notes that Robert Browning's first book of poems didn't sell at all. Returning to the narrative, Inigo returns to the Thieves Quarter. He buys brandy, sits on a stoop, and waits for Vizzini.

Fezzik comes to and can remember that Inigo made up a rhyme for him so that he could remember what he was supposed to do, but he can't remember the rhyme. He runs after Vizzini and finds Vizzini asleep. A bit later, Fezzik realizes Vizzini is dead. He panics suddenly and runs back to the cliff to find Inigo, but Inigo isn't there. Fezzik runs for an hour, yelling for Inigo, until he finds a cave outside a village. He rhymes to himself and hides there until the local children discover him.

Westley wakes up chained in a huge cage. He can hear animal sounds and after a minute, the albino appears. The albino tends to Westley's wounds, feeds him, and refuses to answer questions about who he is, where they are, or if he's going to die. Westley reasons that he's probably going to be killed, but given that Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen are healing him first, they're going to torture him. Westley starts to prepare his brain so that they won’t be able to break him, but Morgenstern tells the reader that, “they broke him anyway.”

After 30 days of partying, Buttercup starts to worry that she won't survive the next 60 days of partying. Unfortunately, King Lotharon starts to go downhill and dies. Prince Humperdinck becomes king 45 days before the wedding and suddenly becomes wise as he studies how to rule. He and Buttercup marry quietly because he's so busy. Again, Buttercup requests to walk among the people. Everyone cheers until one old woman starts to boo. Soldiers descend on the woman but Buttercup requests that they bring the woman to her. The woman explains that Buttercup abandoned her true love for money. Buttercup wakes up screaming and has nightmares for several nights.

Goldman interrupts and says that this is one of his biggest memories of Goldman's father reading him the book: he knew it couldn't be right that Prince Humperdinck and Buttercup got married. This upset Goldman's father and he ended their reading session for the night. Goldman spent the night feeling so betrayed that Buttercup married Humperdinck and was thrilled the next day when he learned it was a dream. However, he also felt unsettled about what happened, and this didn't resolve until he was a teenager and became friends with the author Edith Neisser. At one point, Edith told Goldman that life isn't fair—a notion that rocked Goldman's world.

Because of this, Goldman now believes that the entire point of The Princess Bride is that life isn't fair. To prove that life's not fair, he says that Jason will always be fat and unsatisfied, and though Helen will always be brilliant, his marriage to her will always be loveless. Addressing young readers, Goldman says that this book is great, but there's a lot of disturbing stuff coming up—including the wrong people dying—and that's because life isn't fair.

Back in the story, Buttercup dreams that she gives birth to a baby girl. The baby tells Buttercup that her milk is sour because she betrayed Westley. The baby turns to dust and Buttercup wakes up screaming. The next night, Buttercup dreams that she gives birth to a boy, but the baby refuses to see her: he's afraid she's going to kill him like she killed Westley. The night after, Buttercup stays awake all night until dawn, when she dreams of watching Buttercup's mother give birth to her. The midwife declares that baby Buttercup is beautiful, but has no heart, and suggests that they get rid of her. Buttercup's father and mother strangle baby Buttercup and Buttercup wakes up gasping.

With 50 days until her wedding, Buttercup knocks on Prince Humperdinck's door and tells him that she made a mistake: she loves Westley and knows that she has to let Humperdinck kill her rather than marry her. Stunned, Humperdinck kneels next to her and says that he doesn't want to stand in her way. He does point out that because of Buttercup's behavior, Westley might not want to marry her anymore. Buttercup hasn't thought of this before. Humperdinck suggests that if Westley wants to marry her, so be it; if he doesn't, then Buttercup should marry him as planned. He tells her to write Westley a letter and he'll send four ships with them to find the Dread Pirate Roberts's ships to deliver them.

Prince Humperdinck kisses Buttercup's cheek and sends her away to write her letter. He decides he's going to seem very fond of her in the next two months because he wants all of Florin to feel sad and angry when she dies at the hands of a “Guilderian soldier” on their wedding night—then, they'll all support going to war with Guilder. He can see now that he was wrong to hire Vizzini to kill her. Now, fortunately, the people love her even more than they did before her capture. Humperdinck just has to get over his squeamishness about killing a woman, as he plans to kill her himself.

Count Rugen begins to torture Westley that night while Prince Humperdinck watches. Rugen studies pain carefully and so he's thrilled to have this opportunity. He begins by having Humperdinck ask Westley about his experiences in captivity and then, asks who in Guilder hired him to kidnap Buttercup. Westley says truthfully that he didn't kidnap Buttercup, so Count Rugen lights Westley's hands on fire. After a while, Rugen puts out the fire and he and Humperdinck leave. They discuss that Westley is telling the truth and wonder if the physical pain will be worse than knowing he's telling the truth and not being released.

Morgenstern notes that Westley isn't suffering at all, as he knows how to “take his mind away” and think of Buttercup. As the albino bandages Westley's hands, he encourages Westley to tell the truth, as the Machine is almost ready. Westley notes that they're clearly going to kill him anyway.

When he gets back to the castle from torturing Westley, Prince Humperdinck finds Buttercup waiting for him. She needs help writing her letter to Westley, which in its first draft just says that Buttercup will kill herself if he doesn't come back. Humperdinck offers to help. Buttercup tells him about how good Westley is at everything and mentions Westley's fear of Spinning Ticks. It takes them four hours to finish the letter. The next day, Count Rugen uses Spinning Ticks on Westley. Perplexingly for Humperdinck, Rugen doesn't seem happy about their progress. Humperdinck starts to get tired of how much Buttercup talks about Westley. Westley tries to hide his smiles, thinks of Buttercup, and knows he's going to get revenge.

Prince Humperdinck starts to struggle under all the pressure to rule, start a war, and look like he's in love with Buttercup. King Lotharon continues to cling to life, which complicates things. Twelve days before the wedding, Humperdinck summons the Chief of All Enforcement, Yellin, to talk to him about his plans. He tells Yellin that he's heard from spies that Guilderian men have been infiltrating the Thieves Quarter and plan to kidnap Buttercup. Yellin hasn't heard anything of the sort, but he grudgingly agrees to form a brute squad and jail everyone in the Thieves Quarter until after the wedding.

As Yellin turns to leave, he and everyone else in Florin City hears a haunting scream. Nobody knows what it is (Morgenstern tells the reader that it's a wild dog in the Machine) but it's horrifying. The sound finally dies when Count Rugen sees that the dog is dead. He races to Prince Humperdinck and tells him that the Machine works. Slowly, Humperdinck thinks about his answer. He knows he can't just send Rugen away, as he's his most trusted underling and he needs his skills, but he's too busy to participate in torturing Westley with the Machine. Rugen isn't at all upset and agrees to torture Westley without supervision.

Buttercup knocks on the door and asks if there's any news from Westley. Count Rugen assures her that Westley will come for her. He asks if such a powerful man is capable of crying, and Buttercup answers that he'd cry if a loved one dies. Buttercup kneels by her bed and begs Westley to come for her. Westley spends his time doing much the same thing, as he thinks of Buttercup when he takes his mind away. Because of this, he's not too worried when Count Rugen arrives with the Machine. Rugen excitedly assembles the Machine in front of Westley and then explains that the scream Westley heard earlier was the scream of a wild dog. He says that he writes for scholarly journals and is writing a book on pain.

Count Rugen explains that life is pain and that anticipation intensifies pain. For this reason, Rugen says he's going to leave the Machine overnight for Westley to look at. Westley groans, though he feels giggly because the machine looks so silly. Rugen tells Westley that he'll destroy him with the Machine and says he knows that Westley is taking his brain away during their torture sessions. Westley suddenly feels anxious as Rugen leaves. The albino appears and offers to kill Westley, but Westley assures the albino that he'll be fine.

The next evening, Westley tells Count Rugen that he didn't sleep well. Rugen records this and explains that he's going to record Westley's reactions because his scientific experiments on pain might get him the immortality he's after. With this, Rugen begins to set up the Machine by affixing a number of soft cups to Westley's skin with glue. He covers Westley's skin and then puts tiny cups on the insides of Westley's ears, nose, mouth, and under his eyelids. He then explains that he'll set the dial and they'll be on their way. Westley thinks of stroking Buttercup's hair but once the Machine is on, the pain is so intense that he can't take his brain away. After a minute, Rugen turns off the machine and explains that he just sucked away a year of Westley's life. Westley cries and Rugen records this.

Five days before the wedding, Yellin waits with his brute squad to listen to Prince Humperdinck speak. Count Rugen is unusually preoccupied, as he's trying to figure out how best to suck away the remaining 30 years of Westley's life with the Machine. Humperdinck addresses the brute squad and asks them to empty the Thieves Quarter. Most criminals don't resist as they know they'll be let out in a few days, but a few criminals are afraid that this will be the end. Three days before the wedding, there are only a few criminals left and Yellin is tired and confused, as none of the arrested criminals were from Guilder.

Yellin goes to Falkbridge's Alehouse with two brutes. Falkbridge is a powerful man and bribes Yellin to keep himself out of jail. Falkbridge lets Yellin in and says that he's not going to let Yellin take him to jail after 20 years of bribery. Yellin signals to a brute, who clubs Falkbridge across the neck and puts him in the wagon. Yellin sends his two brutes to get “the fencer with the brandy.” As the brutes come around the corner, they hear Inigo yelling that he's not going to wait for Vizzini forever. The smaller brute tries to talk Inigo into following him and as he does, the other brute—Fezzik—rhymes everything that Inigo says. Inigo realizes it's Fezzik and staggers into his arms. Fezzik hits the brute, puts him in the wagon, and covers him up.

Fezzik puts Inigo in Falkbridge's bed, takes the wagon to the entrance of the Thieves' Quarter for a boot count, and when he's released, he climbs back into the Thieves Quarter and goes to Inigo. Inigo passes out when Fezzik says that Vizzini is dead. Fezzik makes Inigo some tea and a snack and mentions that the six-fingered man, Count Rugen, is in Florin City. Inigo faints again. Fezzik draws a hot bath and holds Inigo in it. He then draws an icy bath and alternates hot water, cold water, and snacks until he's steamed the brandy out of Inigo's body. By midafternoon, Inigo looks almost normal.

Fezzik tells Inigo that he came to Florin City because he wanted to see Buttercup get married and has been making good money on the brute squad. They discuss that Westley somehow killed Vizzini, probably with poison, and then Fezzik explains that Count Rugen is in the castle with Prince Humperdinck, sealed inside in case of another attack by Guilder. Inigo tries to figure out if they could take the 20 guards in front of the castle, but he suddenly starts to cry. He says he needs a planner like Vizzini. Fezzik cries too and says that he's also stupid. Inigo declares that they need Westley since he's clearly strong and smart. Fezzik mentions that Westley is a sailor for the Dread Pirate Roberts, but Inigo reasons that Westley must be Roberts given his skillset.

Fezzik points out that either way, Westley/Roberts is gone because Prince Humperdinck banished pirates for fear of another attack or kidnapping attempt by Guilder. Inigo reminds Fezzik that Guilder isn't guilty; they kidnapped Buttercup, and he believes that Prince Humperdinck hired Vizzini to do so. He also notes that Count Rugen is probably lying about Westley's whereabouts since he's a known killer. Inigo begins to lead Fezzik through the streets and tells him his thoughts: they need to find Westley, as he's smart enough to get him to Count Rugen. Inigo reasons that since Humperdinck has a horrible temper, Westley is probably in Florin City being tortured. Fezzik and Inigo begin their search with a day to go before the wedding. Deep underground, Westley cries: 20 years of his life are gone.

At dusk, Buttercup goes to see Prince Humperdinck. She knocks several times and hears him yelling inside. He finally lets her in. Yellin is inside, and is upset with Humperdinck: there's still no evidence that Guilder is trying to attack Florin, yet Humperdinck talks of nothing else. Humperdinck tells Yellin that to protect Buttercup, he wants 100 men stationed outside the castle. He says he's going to cancel the 500th anniversary festivities and the whole armada is going to escort him and Buttercup to their honeymoon destination. At this, Buttercup corrects him that every ship but four will escort them, but she knows from his look that he's been lying to her.

After Yellin leaves, Buttercup tells Prince Humperdinck to stop lying to her, as she knows the ships were never sent to find Westley. She says that she knows Westley will come for her and calls Humperdinck a coward. Buttercup says that Humperdinck hunts just to prove to himself that he's not weak, and she insists that he'll never be able to catch Westley once she runs away with him. Humperdinck screams at Buttercup, throws her into her room, and runs for the Zoo of Death.

Goldman cuts in and says that at this point, Goldman's father stopped reading and pretended that what happens next didn't happen. He tried to make young Goldman agree to skipping over the rest of the chapter, but Goldman refused. Goldman's father then told him that Prince Humperdinck kills Westley next, and, in the end, Humperdinck lives. This shook Goldman to the core and he cried profusely.

Back in the story, Humperdinck runs to the Zoo of Death and startles Count Rugen when he bursts in. He shouts at Westley that Buttercup somehow still loves him. He pushes the dial on the machine all the way and Westley's death scream begins immediately. Everyone in Florin hears it, though only Inigo knows that it's the sound of “Ultimate Suffering” and is likely coming from Westley. Fezzik pushes through the crowd so he and Inigo can follow the sound.

Back in the fifth level of the Zoo of Death, Count Rugen declares Westley dead. Prince Humperdinck leaves. Annoyed that he lost his interesting subject, Rugen tells the albino to deal with the body and then leaves. The albino decides to burn the body behind the castle and goes upstairs to fetch a wheelbarrow. After he digs the wheelbarrow out, the albino stops suddenly at the sight of Inigo. Inigo asks for the man in black and learns that he's on the fifth level. Fezzik knocks out the albino and Inigo leads Fezzik down into the Zoo of Death, entering at the wrong door.