At the start of the novel, 16-year-old Lara Jean has never been in a romantic relationship before, though she has been in love with exactly five boys over the last few years. This changes suddenly when the secret letters Lara Jean wrote to those boys get mailed, and to deal with the damage, Lara Jean embarks on a pretend relationship with one of her former crushes, Peter. This is a difficult prospect for Lara Jean—she’s generally unwilling to admit it, but she’s afraid of being in a relationship and of falling in love with another person. As the novel progresses, though, it shows that it’s normal—especially for teenagers in their first relationships, like Lara Jean—to be afraid of romance and intimacy. This is true whether that fear stems from what others might think of one’s relationship, uncertainty surrounding physical intimacy, or an unwillingness to be totally honest with another person. However, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before also shows that navigating this fear and nervousness often gets easier as young people mature, become more confident in themselves, and learn how to be honest—both with their partners, and in terms of what they want from a relationship.
Lara Jean has made it a habit to ignore her own romantic feelings because she’s afraid of intimacy. Indeed, Lara Jean’s five love letters—which she wrote to help herself get over five crushes, and which she characterizes as “exorcisms”—are the biggest indicator that she’s not comfortable with romantic feelings. By writing the letters and getting over her crushes, Lara Jean essentially absolves herself of having to take any risks, such as telling a boy she likes him. Instead, she believes that the letters allow her to simply make her feelings go away and move on with life as usual. Later, when Lara Jean has been pretend-dating Peter for several weeks, the two discuss why she’s never been in a relationship before—and Lara Jean admits that she’s afraid of having to be in a relationship with someone who has thoughts and feelings of their own. It’s much easier for her, in other words, to simply ignore her emotions than it is to try to negotiate a relationship with another person—no matter how much she might like that person.
This fear of intimacy stems in part from Lara Jean’s dysfunctional family structure. Lara Jean has a close relationship with both of her sisters, Margot and Kitty, but an especially close relationship with Margot. Indeed, the girls are so close and rely on each other so much that the two made a pact in middle school to not have sex until they were married, or until they were 21 and in love. This pact shows that the sisters prioritize each other first and foremost—essentially denying each other intimacy with a romantic partner ensures that the sisters will remain each other’s primary support person. In addition, the stipulation that the girls should be married before they have sex shows how highly they value family—they essentially insist that they need to have created their own new nuclear families before experiencing physical intimacy. But more broadly, the forced independence that Lara Jean and Margot experience as a result of only having a single dad to care for them means that they’re generally uncomfortable relying on people other than family for anything. Put another way, they’re so used to taking care of themselves and of each other that the thought of letting someone else in is difficult for them to fathom.
Lara Jean’s relationship with Peter, however, shows her that romantic relationships don’t have to be so frightening—if she’s honest with herself and with her partner about what she wants. Lara Jean and Peter initially enter into their relationship to throw off Josh (whom Lara Jean has a forbidden crush on) and to annoy Peter’s recent ex, Genevieve. At first, the relationship is anxiety-inducing only because the whole thing is a sham, since Lara Jean doesn’t actually have feelings for Peter. But things become tense as Lara Jean finds herself developing feelings for Peter, especially since she’s too anxious to tell him how she actually feels. It’s telling, then, that Lara Jean’s happiest moment of the novel is when she finally does admit her feelings to Peter. In that moment, she finally feels confident, in control, and as though she’s getting what she wants out of her relationship—and, surprisingly for her, kissing Peter isn’t as frightening as she’d feared. Intimacy, she discovers, doesn’t have to be so scary and high stakes. This is also why it’s significant that the novel ends with Lara Jean beginning a real love letter to Peter, one that she presumably intends to send to him. Though the book ends without resolving what happens between Lara Jean and Peter (who aren’t speaking at the end of the novel), this letter shows that Lara Jean has learned the importance of being honest and speaking up for what she wants in a romantic relationship.
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Love and Fear Quotes in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before
When Margot decided to go to college in Scotland, it felt like a betrayal. Even though I knew it was coming, because of course she was going to go to college somewhere far away. And of course she was going to go to college in Scotland and study anthropology, because she is Margot, the girl with the maps and the travel books and the plans. Of course she would leave us one day.
I’m still mad at her, just a little. Just a teeny-tiny bit. Obviously I know it’s not her fault. But she’s going so far away, and we always said we’d be the Song girls forever.
But now I have to do better, because I’m responsible for driving Kitty around. Though truthfully, Kitty is better with directions than I am; she knows how to get to loads of places. But I don’t want to have to hear her tell me how to get somewhere. I want to feel like the big sister; I want her to relax in the passenger seat, safe in the knowledge that Lara Jean will get her where she needs to go, just like I did with Margot.
I’m working on a Josh-and-Margot page. I don’t care what Margot says. They’re getting back together, I know it. And even if they aren’t, not right away, it’s not like Margot can just erase him from her history. He was such a big part of her senior year. And, like, her life. The only compromise I’m willing to make is I was saving my heart washi tape for this page, but I can just do a regular plaid tape instead. But then I put the plaid tape up against the pictures and the colors don’t look as good.
You kissed me for no reason. Even though I knew you liked Gen, and you knew you liked Gen, and Gen knew you liked Gen. But you still did it. Just because you could. I really want to know: Why would you do that to me? My first kiss was supposed to be something special. I’ve read about it, what it’s supposed to feel like—fireworks and lightning bolts and the sound of waves crashing in your ears. I didn’t have any of that. Thanks to you it was as unspecial as a kiss could be.
Not that anything exciting happened, for instance an impromptu game of spin the bottle or seven minutes in heaven—two possibilities for which us girls had prepared for with gum and lip gloss. All that happened was the boys played video games and us girls watched and played on our phones and whispered to each other. And then people’s moms and dads were picking them up, and it was so anticlimactic after all that planning and anticipation. It was disappointing for me, not because I liked anyone, but because I liked romance and drama and I was hoping something exciting would happen to someone.
I never knew it before, but I think maybe all this time I’ve been invisible. Just someone who was there. Now that people think I’m Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend, they’re wondering about me. Like, why? What about me made Peter like me? What do I have? What makes me so special? I would be wondering too.
I am now a Mysterious Girl. Before I was just a Quiet Girl. But becoming Peter’s girlfriend has elevated me to Mysterious Girl.
“Yup, I think that’s judgey. I think you’re judgey in general. That’s a character flaw that you should work on. I also think you need to learn how to kick back and have fun.”
I’m listing all the ways I have fun—biking (which I hate), baking, reading; I consider saying knitting but I’m pretty sure he’ll only make fun of me […]
She doesn’t know how it is with sisters. Margot and I, we made a pact, back in middle school. We swore we wouldn’t have sex until we were married or we were really, really in love and at least twenty-one. Margot might be really, really in love, but she’s not married and she’s not twenty-one. She’d never go back on her word. With sisters a pact is everything.
“We can still talk to each other,” I say. “Nothing’s changed.” That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told him, even bigger than the lie about my so-called dead twin Marcella. Until a couple of years ago Josh thought I had a twin sister named Marcella who died of leukemia.
“Okay. I feel like…I feel like you’ve been avoiding me ever since…”
He’s going to say it. He’s actually going to say it. I look down at the ground.
“Ever since Margot broke up with me.”
My head snaps up. That’s what he thinks? That I’m avoiding him because of Margot? Did my letter really make that little of an impact?
“I guess I said no because I was scared.” […]
“Of Tommy?”
“No. I like Tommy. It’s not that. It’s scary when it’s real. When it’s not just thinking about a person, but, like, having a real live person in front of you, with, like, expectations. And wants.” I finally look at Peter, and I’m surprised by how hard he’s paying attention; his eyes are intent and focused on me like he’s actually interested in what I’m saying. “Even when I liked a boy so much, loved him even, I would always rather be with my sisters, because that’s where I belong.”
Around ten he sends a text that says, Sorry something came up. I can’t come over tonight. He doesn’t say where he is or what he’s doing, but I already know. He’s with Genevieve. At lunch he was distracted; he kept texting on his phone. And then, later in the day, I saw them outside the girls’ locker room. They didn’t see me, but I saw them. They were just talking, but with Genevieve it’s never just anything. She put her hand on his arm; he brushed her hair out of her eyes. I may only be a fake girlfriend, but that’s not nothing.
Halfway through class he sends me a note. He’s drawn spiderwebs around the edges. It says, I’ll be on time tomorrow. I smile as I read it. Then I put it in my backpack, in my French textbook so the page won’t crease or crumble. I want to keep it so when this is over, I can have something to look at and remember what it was like to be Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend. Even if it was all just pretend.
“Good,” he says, and he takes my hand, and he closes my locker door, and he walks me to class like a real boyfriend, like we’re really in love.
How was I supposed to know what’s real and what’s not? It feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t know the difference.
But…is he right about me? Do I only like boys I can never have? I’ve always known Peter was out of my reach. I’ve always known he didn’t belong to me. But tonight he said he liked me. The thing I’ve been hoping for, he said it. So why didn’t I just tell him I liked him back when I had the chance? Because I do. I like him back. Of course I do.
I’ve never seen her so happy or so patient. She spends all of Christmas day trying to teach him tricks and taking him outside to pee. Her eyes never stop shining. It makes me wish I was little again and everything could be solved with a Christmas Day puppy.
