To Room Nineteen

Doris Lessing’s “To Room Nineteen” follows the marriage and life of Susan Rawlings, who on paper appears to have a flawless life. She is married to Matthew Rawlings, an attractive, even-tempered man. They have four children and a beautiful home in Richmond. However, Susan finds herself growing discontent with their life. She finds her identity as a mother and wife stifling and begins to resent her husband and children: the former for his affairs and his freedom compared to Susan, and her children for their inescapable presence in her life and their utter dependence on her.

Susan’s need for solitude and freedom from her domestic life pushes her to rent out Room 19, a room in a rundown motel far away from her family. In that room, Susan is able to be completely anonymous. She begins to spend more and more of her time there, but since her finances are completely dependent on Matthew, she has to ask him for more money, arousing his suspicions. Susan also begins to withdraw from her family. She tells Matthew that she wants to hire an au pair to take care of their children and to direct their housekeeper, even though the two of them previously agreed that Susan would be in charge of their household. Susan begins to view her household through the eyes of a stranger: she feels the most herself when she is pretending to be someone else, tucked away from the demands of her family in Room 19.

However, Matthew, suspicious of Susan’s slipping away, hires a private investigator to follow her and discovers Room 19. He confronts Susan, asking if she’s having an affair. Susan, unable to explain her need for escape from their theoretically perfect life, lies that she is. Matthew tells her that he is, too, and suggests that the four of them get together for lunch. Susan agrees. The day after their conversation, she visits Room 19 one last time, although being in the room is not the same now that Matthew knows about her visits there. She contemplates the idea of carrying on with her deception and finds it an exhausting prospect. Instead, she ponders how Matthew and her family might carry on in her absence. In her last hour in Room 19, Susan seals all the openings in the room and turns on the gas stove, lying on the bed of the room. The story ends with her closing her eyes, implying that she has chosen to die by suicide.