Henry IV, Part 1 Translation Act 2, Scene 4
Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS
PRINCE HENRY
Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room and lend me thyhand to laugh a little.
PRINCE HENRY
Ned, please, come out of that stuffy room and make me laugh for a while.
POINS
Where hast been, Hal?
POINS
Where have you been, Hal?
PRINCE HENRY
With three or four loggerheads amongst three or fourscore hogsheads. I have sounded the very bass stringof humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother to a leash of drawers, and can call them all by their christen names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis. They take it already upon their salvation that though I be but Prince of Wales, yet I am the king of courtesy, and tell me flatly am no proud jack, like Falstaff, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy—by the Lord, so they call me— and whenI am King of England, I shall command all the good ladsin Eastcheap. They call drinking deep “dyeing scarlet,”and when you breathe in your watering, they cry “Hem!” and bid you “Play it off!” To conclude, I am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour that I can drink with any tinker in his own language during my life. I tell thee, Ned, thou hast lost much honor that thou wertnot with me in this action; but, sweet Ned—to sweeten which name of Ned, I give thee this pennyworth of sugar,clapped even now into my hand by an underskinker, one that never spake other English in his life than “Eight shillings and sixpence,” and “You are welcome,” with this shrill addition, “Anon, anon, sir.—Score a pint of bastard in the Half-moon,” or so. But, Ned, to drive away the time till Falstaff come, I prithee, do thou stand in some by-room while I question my puny drawer towhat end he gave me the sugar; and do thou never leave calling “Francis,” that his tale to me may be nothing but “Anon.” Step aside, and I’ll show thee a precedent.
PRINCE HENRY
I've been with three or four blockheads and somewhere between sixty and eighty cases of wine. I have been with the lowest of the lowly. Sir, I am now best friends with three of these bartenders, and can even call them by their first names—Tom, Dick, and Francis. They have promised me that even though I am just the Prince of Wales, I am a king of politeness in their eyes. They told me straight that I'm not a pompous idiot, like Falstaff, but a worthy fellow, a determined lad, a good boy even—I swear to God they call me that. When I am King of England, I will have the support of all the good lads in Eastcheap. When you drink a lot, they call it being "dyed red," and when you take a break from drinking, they cough loudly, and tell you to finish your drink. All in all, I got so good at drinking in fifteen minutes that I can be a good drinking buddy with people of any social class. I am telling you Ned, you didn't help yourself in missing this encounter. But sweet Ned, I will make your name even sweeter by giving you a penny's worth of sugar. I got this from an apprentice bartender, a boy who has never said anything in his life except for, "That'll be eight shillings and sixpence," and "You're welcome," and sometimes, "Just a minute, sir. Bring a pint of bastard to the Half-moon room," or something like that. But Ned, to waste some time before Falstaff gets here, will you stand in a side room while I question one of the inexperienced apprentices about why he gave me the sugar. Keep calling out the name "Francis," so that he keeps having to reply, "Just a minute, sir." Go to this room, and I'll show you something worth remembering.
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Get LitCharts A+Exit POINS
POINS
[within] Francis!
POINS
[Offstage] Francis!
PRINCE HENRY
Thou art perfect.
PRINCE HENRY
Perfect.
POINS
[within] Francis!
POINS
[Offstage] Francis!
Enter FRANCIS, a drawer
FRANCIS
Anon, anon, sir.—Look down into the Pomgarnet, Ralph.
FRANCIS
Wait a minute, sir—Ralph, check to see that everything's okay in the Pomegranate room.
PRINCE HENRY
Come hither, Francis.
PRINCE HENRY
Come here, Francis.
FRANCIS
My lord?
FRANCIS
My lord?
PRINCE HENRY
How long hast thou to serve, Francis?
PRINCE HENRY
How much longer do you have left to serve as an apprentice?
FRANCIS
Forsooth, five years, and as much as to—
FRANCIS
Indeed, about five years, about as long as—
POINS
[within] Francis!
POINS
[Offstage] Francis!
FRANCIS
Anon, anon, sir.
FRANCIS
Just a minute, sir.
PRINCE HENRY
Five year! By 'r lady, a long lease for the clinking ofpewter! But, Francis, darest thou be so valiant as to play the coward with thy indenture, and show it a fair pair of heels, and run from it?
PRINCE HENRY
Five years! By God, that's a long time to learn how to pull a pint! But, Francis, would you dare to be brave enough to be a coward with your contract, and leave it behind? Run away from it?
FRANCIS
O Lord, sir, I’ll be sworn upon all the books in England, I could find in my heart—
FRANCIS
Oh Lord, sir, I swear on all the Bibles in England, I could manage to—
POINS
[within] Francis!
POINS
[Offstage] Francis!
FRANCIS
Anon, sir.
FRANCIS
One minute, sir.
PRINCE HENRY
How old art thou, Francis?
PRINCE HENRY
How old are you, Francis?
FRANCIS
Let me see. About Michaelmas next, I shall be—
FRANCIS
Let me work it out. Next year, around the end of September, I will be—
POINS
[within] Francis!
POINS
[Offstage] Francis!
FRANCIS
Anon, sir. [To PRINCE HENRY ] Pray, stay a little, my lord.
FRANCIS
Just a minute, sir.
[To PRINCE HENRY] Stay here a minute, my lord.
PRINCE HENRY
Nay, but hark you, Francis, for the sugar thou gavest me,’twas a pennyworth, was ’t not?
PRINCE HENRY
No, but listen to me, Francis. The sugar that you gave me was about a penny's worth, right?
FRANCIS
O Lord, I would it had been two!
FRANCIS
Oh Lord, I wish it could have been worth two pennies!
PRINCE HENRY
I will give thee for it a thousand pound. Ask me when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it.
PRINCE HENRY
I will give you a thousand pounds for it. Ask me for it whenever you want, and you can have it.
POINS
[within] Francis!
POINS
[Offstage] Francis!
FRANCIS
Anon, anon.
FRANCIS
One minute, please!
PRINCE HENRY
Anon, Francis? No, Francis, but tomorrow, Francis; or,Francis, o' Thursday; or indeed, Francis, when thou wilt.But, Francis—
PRINCE HENRY
You want it in one minute, Francis? No, Francis, but you can have it tomorrow, or Thursday. Or indeed, Francis, whenever you want it. But Francis—
FRANCIS
My lord?
FRANCIS
Yes, my lord?
PRINCE HENRY
Wilt thou rob this leathern jerkin, crystal-button, not-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch—
PRINCE HENRY
Are you ready to rob this man of your service? This man who wears leather jackets, has fashionable crystal buttons, is short-haired, wears an agate ring, has dark, woolen stockings, has cloth garters instead of silk, a smooth way of talking, and a Spanish leather pouch—
FRANCIS
O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
FRANCIS
Oh Lord sir, who are you talking about?
PRINCE HENRY
Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink, for look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet will sully.In Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.
PRINCE HENRY
Why then this brown bastard will have to remain your only drink, for if you leave, your white canvas jacket will get dirty . Even if you go to Barbary in North Africa, you won't have any more than you have now.
FRANCIS
What, sir?
FRANCIS
What, sir?
POINS
[within] Francis!
POINS
[Offstage] Francis!
PRINCE HENRY
Away, you rogue! Dost thou not hear them call?
PRINCE HENRY
Go on, you rascal! Didn't you hear them calling your name?
Here they both call him. FRANCIS the drawer stands amazed, not knowing which way to go.
Enter VINTNER
VINTNER
What, stand’st thou still and hear’st such a calling? Look to the guests within.
VINTNER
Why are you standing there doing nothing when you hear people are calling your name? Go and see what the guests want.
Exit FRANCIS
My lord, old Sir John with half a dozen more are at thedoor.Shall I let them in?
PRINCE HENRY
Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
PRINCE HENRY
Leave them outside for a while, and then let them in.
Exit VINTNER
Poins!
Reenter POINS
POINS
Anon, anon, sir.
POINS
Hang on, sir.
PRINCE HENRY
Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at thedoor.Shall we be merry?
PRINCE HENRY
Sir, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door. Are we ready to have a good laugh?
POINS
As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark you, what cunning match have you made with this jest of the drawer. Come, what’s the issue?
POINS
We'll be chirping like crickets, my lad. But listen, what clever trick did you play on the drawer? Tell me, what's your plan?
PRINCE HENRY
I am now of all humors that have showed themselves humors since the old days of Goodman Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve o'clock at midnight.
PRINce HENRY
I am currently feeling every mood that anyone has ever felt, from when Adam was alive in Eden to the young age we're at now, at midnight.
Enter FRANCIS
What’s o'clock, Francis?
FRANCIS
Anon, anon, sir.
FRANCIS
Give me a minute, sir.
Exit FRANCIS
PRINCE HENRY
That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry is upstairs and downstairs, his eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy’s mind, the Hotspur of the north, he that kills me some six or seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife “Fie upon this quiet life! I want work.” “O my sweet Harry,” says she, “how many hast thou killed today?” “Give my roan horse a drench,” says he, and answers “Some fourteen,” an hour after. “A trifle, a trifle.” I prithee, call in Falstaff. I’ll play Percy, and that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his wife. “Rivo!” says the drunkard. Call in Ribs, call in Tallow.
PRINCE HENRY
This boy has less to say than a parrot does, even though he's a human! His job is to run upstairs and downstairs, and the only things he ever has to say are the items on a bill. I don't see the world like Percy does, yet this Hotspur of the north, who kills fifty or sixty Scotsmen before breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife, "God, life is boring! I want something to do." "Oh my sweet Harry," she replies, "how many people have you killed today?" He tells her, "Give my brown horse its medicine," and then an hour later answers, "Only fourteen, that's nothing, nothing." Please, call in Falstaff now. I will play Percy, and that damned potbellied Falstaff will play his wife, Dame Mortimer. "Bottoms up!" says the drunkard. Bring in the meat, bring in the fat.
Enter FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, PETO, and BARDOLPH, followed by FRANCIS with wine
POINS
Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been?
POINS
Welcome, Jack. Where have you been?
FALSTAFF
A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! Marry and amen!— Give me a cup of sack, boy.— Ere I lead this life long, I’ll sew netherstocks and mend them, andfoot them too. A plague of all cowards!— Give me a cup of sack, rogue! — Is there no virtue extant? (he drinketh)
FALSTAFF
I say! A curse on all cowards, and revenge, too! That's how it should be!
[To FRANCIS] Give me a cup of wine, boy.
[To the others] I'll give up this way of life before too long. Instead I'll take up take up sewing and mending stockings, and make new feet for them, too. A curse on all cowards!
[To FRANCIS] Give me a cup of wine, you rascal!
[To the others] Isn't there any truth left in this world? [He drinks]
PRINCE HENRY
Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter?—Pitiful-hearted Titan!—that melted at the sweet tale of the sun’s? If thou didst, then behold that compound.
PRINCE HENRY
Have you ever seen the tender-hearted sun melt a dish of butter like this, with such flattery?! If you have, then take a look at this new mixture.
FALSTAFF
(to FRANCIS ) You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too.— There is nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man, yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack. Die when thou wilt. If manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There lives not three good men unhanged in England, andone of them is fat and grows old, God help the while. Abad world, I say. I would I were a weaver. I could singpsalms, or anything. A plague of all cowards, I say still.
FALSTAFF
[To FRANCIS] You idiot, there's lime in this wine! Evil men have nothing in them but harm, but a coward is even worse than a cup of wine with lime in it. An evil coward! Get on your way, then, old Jack. Die now. If there are any true men left on this earth except for me, then I am a spawned herring. There aren't even three good men in England who haven't been hanged, and one of them is fat and getting older. God help these times! It is a bad world, I say. I wish I was a weaver and then I could sing psalms while I worked. I say it again—damn all you cowards.
PRINCE HENRY
How now, woolsack, what mutter you?
PRINCE HENRY
What's the matter, you big sack of wool, what are you blabbering on about?
FALSTAFF
A King’s son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild geese, I’ll never wear hair onmy face more. You, Prince of Wales!
FALSTAFF
A King's son! If I don't beat you out of your kingdom with a wooden dagger, and send all of your followers before you like a flock of geese, then I will never grow a beard again. You, the Prince of Wales?! As if!
PRINCE HENRY
Why, you whoreson round man, what’s the matter?
PRINCE HENRY
Why, you fat son-of-a-bitch, what's the matter?
FALSTAFF
Are not you a coward? Answer me to that—and Poins there?
FALSTAFF
Aren't you a coward? Answer that question—you too, Poins!
POINS
Zounds, ye fat paunch, an you call me coward, by the Lord,I’ll stab thee.
POINS
Good Lord, you potbelly, if you call me a coward, I swear to God, I'll stab you.
FALSTAFF
I call thee coward? I’ll see thee damned ere I call thee coward, but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders you care not who sees your back. Call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! Give me them that will face me.— Give me a cup of sack.—I am a rogue if I drunk today.
FALSTAFF
Me call you a coward? I would rather see you damned than call you a coward. I would give a thousand pounds if I could run away as fast as you can. Your shoulders are attractive enough that you don't seem to care who sees your back. Do you call that backing up your friends? Damn you and your help! Give me a man that will face me rather than turn his back. Get me a cup of wine. I would be lying if I said I've had anything to drink today.
PRINCE HENRY
O villain, thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunk’st last.
PRINCE HENRY
Oh, you liar! Your lips have barely been wiped clean since your last drink.
FALSTAFF
All is one for that. [he drinketh] A plague of all cowards, still say I.
FALSTAFF
That makes no difference. [He drinks] Damn all cowards, I say again.
PRINCE HENRY
What’s the matter?
PRINCE HENRY
What's the matter?
FALSTAFF
What’s the matter? There be four of us here have ta'en a thousand pound this day morning.
FALSTAFF
What's the matter? Four of us here stole a thousand pounds just this morning.
PRINCE HENRY
Where is it, Jack? Where is it?
PRINCE HENRY
Then where is it, Jack? Where is it?
FALSTAFF
Where is it? Taken from us it is. A hundred upon poor four of us.
FALSTAFF
Where is it? It was stolen from us. A hundred men attacked the four of us.
PRINCE HENRY
What, a hundred, man?
PRINCE HENRY
What? One hundred, man?
FALSTAFF
I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have ’scaped by miracle. Iam eight times thrust through the doublet, four throughthe hose, my buckler cut through and through, my sword hacked like a handsaw. Ecce signum! I never dealt bettersince I was a man. All would not do. A plague of all cowards! (points to GADSHILL, PETO and BARDOLPH ) Let them speak. If they speak more or less than truth, they are villains, and the sons of darkness.
FALSTAFF
I am a liar if I haven't been fighting with at least twelve of them in close combat for at least two hours. It's a miracle I escaped. They stabbed through my jacket eight times, through my pants four times, my shield is full of holes, and my sword is cut up and useless. Look at the proof! I have never fought better, but whatever I did, it wasn't enough. Damn all you cowards. [Points at GADSHILL, PETO, and BARDOLPH] Let them speak. If they don't tell you the complete truth, then they're villains and are evil.
PRINCE HENRY
Speak, sirs, how was it?
PRINCE HENRY
Tell us, sirs, how was it?
GADSHILL
We four set upon some dozen.
GADSHILL
Four of us managed to attack about twelve men.
FALSTAFF
Sixteen at least, my lord.
FALSTAFF
It was sixteen at least, my lord.
BARDOLPH
And bound them.
BARDOLPH
And we tied them up.
PETO
No, no, they were not bound.
PETO
No, no, we didn't tie them up.
FALSTAFF
You rogue, they were bound, every man of them, or I am aJew else, an Ebrew Jew.
FALSTAFF
You idiot, they were tied up, all of them, or else I am a Jew, a Hebrew Jew.
GADSHILL
As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us.
GADSHILL
As we were dividing up the money, six or seven new men attacked us.
FALSTAFF
And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
FALSTAFF
And they untied the others, and then all these other men arrived.
PRINCE HENRY
What, fought you with them all?
PRINCE HENRY
What? And you fought all of them?
FALSTAFF
All? I know not what you call all, but if I fought not with fifty of them I am a bunch of radish. If there werenot two- or three-and-fifty upon poor old Jack, then amI no two-legged creature.
FALSTAFF
What do you mean by all? I don't know what you mean by all, but if I didn't fight with fifty of them, then I'm a bunch of radishes. If there weren't fifty-two or fifty-three of them attacking poor, old Jack, then I'm not even a man.
PRINCE HENRY
Pray God you have not murdered some of them.
PRINCE HENRY
I pray to God you didn't kill any of them.
FALSTAFF
Nay, that’s past praying for. I have peppered two of them. Two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spitin my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward. Here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me.
FALSTAFF
It's too late to pray. I crushed two of then. I am sure I killed two more of them, two idiots wearing coarse linen. I tell you what, Hal, if I am lying then spit in my face and insult me. You know how I fight. This is how I stood, and this is how I held my sword. Four idiots in coarse linen attacked me.
PRINCE HENRY
What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.
PRINCE HENRY
There were four of them? You said two just now.
FALSTAFF
Four, Hal, I told thee four.
FALSTAFF
Four, Hal, I said four.
POINS
Ay, ay, he said four.
POINS
Yes, yes, he definitely said four.
FALSTAFF
These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus.
FALSTAFF
These four idiots were all in a row and vigorously thrust at me. I didn't wait any longer, I let all of their seven sword points strike my shield, like this.
PRINCE HENRY
Seven? Why there were but four even now.
PRINCE HENRY
Seven? A minute ago you said there were four.
FALSTAFF
In buckram?
FALSTAFF
Wearing coarse linen?
POINS
Ay, four in buckram suits.
POINS
Yes, four wearing coarse linen.
FALSTAFF
Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
FALSTAFF
There were seven. I swear on this sword, or I am a villain.
PRINCE HENRY
[aside to POINS ] Prithee, let him alone. We shall havemore anon.
PRINCE HENRY
[To POINS so that only he can hear] Come on, let's leave him alone. There'll be more any second.
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear me, Hal?
FALSTAFF
Did you listen to me, Hal?
PRINCE HENRY
Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
PRINCE HENRY
Yes, and I paid attention to what you said, Jack.
FALSTAFF
Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I told thee of—
FALSTAFF
That's good, because what I'm saying is worth your attention. So these nine men in coarse linen that I just told you about—
PRINCE HENRY
So, two more already.
PRINCE HENRY
So there are two more already.
FALSTAFF
Their points being broken—
FALSTAFF
Because their points were broken—
POINS
Down fell their hose.
POINS
Their breeches fell down.
FALSTAFF
Began to give me ground, but I followed me close, came in foot and hand, and with a thought, seven of the eleven I paid.
FALSTAFF
They started to move away, but I followed them closely, and thinking on my feet, I killed seven of the eleven right there and then.
PRINCE HENRY
O monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of two!
PRINCE HENRY
Oh wow! Eleven men in coarse linen have grown out of just two!
FALSTAFF
But as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal green came at my back, and let drive atme, for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.
FALSTAFF
But as the devil would have it, three despicable scoundrels dressed in green, coarse wool fabric crept up on me from behind, and attacked me. You see, Hal, it was so dark that you could barely even see your own hand.
PRINCE HENRY
These lies are like their father that begets them, gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou claybrained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson,obscene, greasy tallow-catch—
PRINCE HENRY
These lies are becoming much like the person who is telling them—big as a mountain, clear to see, and very visible. Why you dull-witted fatty, you thick-headed fool, you son-of-a-bitch, you disgusting, greasy lump of fat—
FALSTAFF
What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth the truth?
FALSTAFF
What, are you crazy? Are you crazy? Isn't the truth just the truth?
PRINCE HENRY
Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? Come,tell us your reason. What sayest thou to this?
PRINCE HENRY
Well, how would you know that these men were wearing green, coarse wool fabric if it was so dark that you couldn't even see your own hand? Come on, tell us how. What do you have to say to this?
POINS
Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
POINS
Yeah, tell us how, Jack, how.
FALSTAFF
What, upon compulsion? Zounds, an I were at the strappado or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion?If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.
FALSTAFF
What? Just because you have told me to? Heavens, even if I was put in any torture device in the world, I wouldn't answer just because you've told me to. Tell you how, give you a reason just because you've told me to? Even if reasons were as common as blackberries, I wouldn't give anyone a reason just because they've told me to. I certainly won't.
PRINCE HENRY
I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker, this huge hill of flesh—
PRINCE HENRY
I can't listen to this anymore. This red-faced coward, who could flatten a bed, this breaker of horses' backs, this huge mountain of flesh—
FALSTAFF
'Sblood, you starveling, you elfskin, you dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stockfish! O, for breath to utter what is like thee! You tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase, you vile standing tuck—
FALSTAFF
Hell to that! You starving thing, you skin of an elf, you shriveled cow's tongue, you dried bull's penis, you dried cod! Oh, there isn't enough breath for me to say all of the things that you are! You tailor's yardstick, you empty sheath, you case for a string-player's bow, you vile, upright sword—
PRINCE HENRY
Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again, and when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this.
PRINCE HENRY
Catch your breath for a minute and then go again. When you've tired yourself out making stupid comparisons, listen to just one thing I have to say.
POINS
Mark, Jack.
POINS
Listen to him, Jack.
PRINCE HENRY
We two saw you four set on four, and bound them and were masters of their wealth. Mark now how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you four and,with a word, outfaced you from your prize, and have it;yea, and can show it you here in the house. And, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still run androared, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou to hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?
PRINCE HENRY
We two saw the four of you attack the four travelers, tie them up, and take their money. Listen now to how the simple truth of the matter will destroy your lies. Then we two attacked you four, and with a single shout, we frightened you into giving us the money you had stolen. We have it now, and can show it to you right here in this bar. Falstaff, you ran away as quickly and with as much skill as a cow from the slaughterhouse—screaming to be saved and running as far as you could. How outrageous you are to chop away at your sword like you've done, and then say that you did it in a fight! What story, what trick, what hiding place are you going to be able to find to escape this obvious and visible shame?
POINS
Come, let’s hear, Jack. What trick hast thou now?
POINS
Come on then, let's hear it, Jack. What trick are you going to use now?
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, I knew you as well as he that made you. Why, hear you, my masters, was it for me to kill the heirapparent? Should I turn upon the true Prince? Why, thouknowest I am as valiant as Hercules, but beware instinct. The lion will not touch the true Prince. Instinct is a great matter. I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself, and thee, during my life—I for a valiant lion, and thou for a truePrince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money.—Hostess, clap to the doors.— Watch tonight, pray to-morrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all thetitles of good fellowship come to you. What, shall we be merry? hall we have a play extempore?
FALSTAFF
By God, I knew it was you right away. Listen here, gentlemen, was I going to kill the heir to the throne? Was I going to turn on the true Prince? Come on, you know I am as brave as Hercules, but I listen to my gut. Even a lion will not attack a true Prince. Instinct is very important. I was a coward because my instinct told me I had to be. Now I guess I will have to think of myself as a brave lion, since you are a true Prince. But, by God, am I glad that you have the money! Hostess, shut the doors. Let's have fun tonight and leave our prayers until tomorrow! Bold lads, boys, men with hearts of gold—you are not worth all of these good titles. Shall we celebrate? Shall we have some improvised drama to entertain us?
PRINCE HENRY
Content, and the argument shall be thy running away.
PRINCE HENRY
Yes, let's, and the plot can be about you running away.
FALSTAFF
Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me.
FALSTAFF
Ah, no more of that, Hal, if you love me at all.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O Jesu, my lord the Prince!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Oh Jesus, my lord the Prince!
PRINCE HENRY
How now, my lady the hostess, what sayest thou to me?
PRINCE HENRY
What's happening, my lady the hostess? Do you have something to say to me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak with you. He says he comes from your father.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Indeed, my lord, there is a nobleman from the court at the door and he said he would like to speak to you. He says that he comes from your father.
PRINCE HENRY
Give him as much as will make him a royal man and send him back again to my mother.
PRINCE HENRY
Give him enough money to turn him into a royal man and then send him back to my mother.
FALSTAFF
What manner of man is he?
FALSTAFF
What type of man is he?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
An old man.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
An old man.
FALSTAFF
What doth Gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his answer?
FALSTAFF
What's an old man doing out of his bed at midnight? Should I go and talk to him?
PRINCE HENRY
Prithee do, Jack.
PRINCE HENRY
Please do, Jack.
FALSTAFF
Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
FALSTAFF
Okay, I will tell him to go.
Exit FALSTAFF
PRINCE HENRY
Now, sirs. By 'r lady, you fought fair.—So did you, Peto.— So did you, Bardolph.—You are lions too. You ran away upon instinct. You will not touch the true Prince. No, fie!
PRINCE HENRY
Now, sirs, it must be said that you fought well. So did you, Peto. So did you, Bardolph. You are brave lions as well, and you only ran away because your instinct told you it was necessary. You will not attack a true Prince. No, that's for sure!
BARDOLPH
Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
BARDOLPH
Truthfully, I only ran away when I saw the others running.
PRINCE HENRY
Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s sword so hacked?
PRINCE HENRY
Okay, tell me the truth now. How did Falstaff's sword get so cut up?
PETO
Why, he hacked it with his dagger and said he would swear truth out of England but he would make you believeit was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
PETO
Well, he hacked at it with his dagger, and then said that he would lie so convincingly and make you believe that he had done it fighting. And he persuaded us to say the same.
BARDOLPH
Yea, and to tickle our noses with speargrass to make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I didnot this seven year before: I blushed to hear his monstrous devices.
BARDOLPH
Yes, and he made us rub our noses with some sharp blades of grass to make them bleed, and then to smear this blood all over our clothes and say that it was the blood of the men we had fought. When he told us to tell this outrageous lie, I did something that I haven't done in seven years—I blushed.
PRINCE HENRY
O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since thouhast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou ran’st away. What instinct hadst thou for it?
PRINCE HENRY
Oh, you scoundrel, that's not true—you stole a cup of wine eighteen years ago, and were caught red-handed. Every since then you have blushed each and every time you drink. You had your fiery character and your weapons going for you, but you still ran away. What instinct told you to do that?
BARDOLPH
My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold these exhalations?
BARDOLPH
My lord, do you see these red lumps? Can you see these rashes on my face?
PRINCE HENRY
I do.
PRINCE HENRY
I can.
BARDOLPH
What think you they portend?
BARDOLPH
What do you think they warn of?
PRINCE HENRY
Hot livers and cold purses.
PRINCE HENRY
Drunkenness and poverty.
BARDOLPH
Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
BARDOLPH
Anger, my lord, if I understand them correctly.
PRINCE HENRY
No, if rightly taken, halter.
PRINCE HENRY
If it is understood correctly, it means you'll be hanged if you are arrested.
Enter FALSTAFF
Here comes lean Jack. Here comes bare-bone.—How now, mysweet creature of bombast? How long is ’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
FALSTAFF
My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal, I was notan eagle’s talon in the waist. I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring. A plague of sighing and grief! It blows a man up like a bladder. There’s villanous news abroad. Here was Sir John Bracy from yourfather. You must to the court in the morning. That samemad fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and made Lucifer cuckold, andswore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?
FALSTAFF
My own knee? When I was about your age, Hal, my waist was as thin as an eagle's claw. I could have got through any councilman's sealing ring. To hell with sighing and sadness! It makes a man blow up like an inflatable. There's terrible news going around. That was Sir John Bracy, and he was sent here by your father. You must go to court in the morning. Hotspur, that crazy fellow from the north, and that Welshman who beat up Amamon, seduced the devil's wife, and caused the devil to swear to be his loyal servant by threatening him with a hooked sword...what the devil is his name again?
POINS
Owen Glendower.
POINS
Owen Glendower.
FALSTAFF
Owen, Owen, the same, and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs a-horseback up a hill perpendicular—
FALSTAFF
Owen, Owen, that's it. There's also his son-in-law Mortimer, old Northumberland, and that wonderful, energetic Scotsman, Douglas, who could probably ride a horse up a wall.
PRINCE HENRY
He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol kills a sparrow flying.
PRINCE HENRY
He rides so quickly, and then tries to kill a flying sparrow with his pistol.
FALSTAFF
You have hit it.
FALSTAFF
You've got it exactly right.
PRINCE HENRY
So did he never the sparrow.
PRINCE HENRY
Well if I hit it, then Owen Glendower never hit this sparrow.
FALSTAFF
Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him. He will not run.
FALSTAFF
Well, that rascal has a lot of courage in him. He won't run away.
PRINCE HENRY
Why, what a rascal art thou then to praise him so for running?
PRINCE HENRY
Why, you're a rascal! You just gave him praise for running!
FALSTAFF
A-horseback, you cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge a foot.
FALSTAFF
I praised him for running on horseback, you simpleton, but when he's fighting on foot he won't move a muscle.
PRINCE HENRY
Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
PRINCE HENRY
Yes he will, Jack—his instinct will tell him to.
FALSTAFF
I grant you, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more: Worcester isstolen away tonight. Thy father’s beard is turned whitewith the news. You may buy land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.
FALSTAFF
I'll give you that, he'll move if his instinct tells him to. Well, he's there too, and so is a man called Mordake and about a thousand more Scottish soldiers. Worcester has left London tonight, and your father's beard turned white when he heard the news. Land is becoming as cheap as some stinking fish.
PRINCE HENRY
Why, then, it is like if there come a hot June, and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.
PRINCE HENRY
If that's true, then if the weather is hot and the civil war continues, you will be able to buy women's virtue like you can buy shoe studs, by the hundreds.
FALSTAFF
By the Mass, thou sayest true. It is like we shall havegood trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? Thou being heir apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou not horribly afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at it?
FALSTAFF
I swear, you speak the truth. We'll have some good luck if it's like that. But, Hal, tell me—are you very scared? Since you are the heir to the throne, you are going to be the prime target of that wicked Douglas, that lively Percy, and that devil Glendower? Are you not horribly afraid? Don't you shudder with fear at the thought of it?
PRINCE HENRY
Not a whit, i' faith; I lack some of thy instinct.
PRINCE HENRY
Not at all, truthfully. I must lack some of your instinct.
FALSTAFF
Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy father. If thou love me, practice an answer.
FALSTAFF
Well, you are going to be scolded horribly tomorrow when you see your father. I beg you, let's practice what you will say to him.
PRINCE HENRY
Do thou stand for my father and examine me upon the particulars of my life.
PRINCE HENRY
You can pretend to be my father, and ask me about what's happening in my life.
FALSTAFF
Shall I? Content. This chair shall be my state, this dagger my scepter, and this cushion my crown.
FALSTAFF
Should I? All right then. This chair will be my throne, this dagger will be my scepter, and this cushion will be my crown.
PRINCE HENRY
Thy state is taken for a joined stool, thy golden scepter for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crownfor a pitiful bald crown.
PRINCE HENRY
Your throne looks more like a stool made from parts, your golden scepter more like a metal dagger, and your precious, rich crown is more of a sad, bald head.
FALSTAFF
Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved.—Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses' vein.
FALSTAFF
Well, if you still have any divine grace in you, you will be stirred emotionally by this. Give me a cup of wine to make my eyes bloodshot, so that it will look like I have been crying. I need to be able to speak with great passion, and I will do it like King Cambyses.
PRINCE HENRY
Well, here is my leg.
PRINCE HENRY
Well then, I make my bow to you.
FALSTAFF
And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
FALSTAFF
And here is my speech for you. Stand aside, noblemen.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i' faith!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Oh Jesus, this is an excellent game, really!
FALSTAFF
Weep not, sweet queen, for trickling tears are vain.
FALSTAFF
Don't cry, my sweet Queen, your falling tears are pointless.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O the father, how he holds his countenance!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Oh look at the father—he's really good at keeping a straight face.
FALSTAFF
For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful queen,For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.
FALSTAFF
For God's sake, lords, take my sad queen away from here. The floodgates of her eyes are now filled up with her tears.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry players as everI see.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Oh Jesus, he's so much like one of those silly real actors!
FALSTAFF
Peace, good pint-pot. Peace, good tickle-brain.— (to PRINCE HENRY ) Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied. For though the camomile, the more it is trodden on, the faster it grows, so youth, the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears. That thou art my son I have partly thy mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a villanous trick of thine eye and a foolish-hanging of thy nether lip that doth warrant me. If then thou be sonto me, here lies the point: why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? A question not to be asked. Shall the sun of England prove a thief and take purses? A question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, asancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to thee, in drink but in tears; not in pleasure, but in passion; not in words only, but in woes also. And yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.
FALSTAFF
Enough, good pint of ale. Enough, good liquor-brain.
[To PRINCE HENRY] Harry, I am very surprised at where you're choosing to spend your time, and who you're choosing to spend it with. For, although the camomile grows faster the more it is trodden on, with youth, the more it is wasted, the quicker it fades away. I am trusting that you are my son, partly because your mother says so, partly because I believe it. But mainly because the evil glint in your eye and your hanging lower lip persuade me of it. If you are my son, then this is my point. If you are my son, then why are you so mocked? Why does the blessed sun in heaven waste its time eating blackberries? That's a question I should not need to ask. Should the son of the King of England be a thief and steal purses? That's a question I do need to ask. There is a thing, Harry, which you will have heard of, called pitch. This pitch, as writers have noted, makes you dirty, just like the company you keep. For Harry, now I speak to you not because of the drinking, but actually weeping. I'm not saying this as a joke, but with sincere emotions; not just with words, but in misery, too. Yet, there is one virtuous man that I have often seen you with, but I don't know his name.
PRINCE HENRY
What manner of man, an it like your Majesty?
PRINCE HENRY
What type of man is he, your Majesty?
FALSTAFF
A goodly portly man, i' faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage, and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by 'rLady, inclining to three score; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff. If that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me, for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it: there is virtue in that Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?
FALSTAFF
A handsome, dignified man, indeed, and quite overweight. He always looks cheerful, is quite attractive, and has a very noble demeanor about him. I would say that he is about fifty, or, my goodness, possibly closer to sixty. I remember now—his name is Falstaff. If that man is at all inclined to wickedness, then he has deceived me, Harry, because I see goodness in his character. If a tree is known by its fruit, and the fruit by its tree, then I can positively say that there is a lot of goodness in that Falstaff. Keep him in your company, and get rid of the rest. Tell me now, you naughty boy, tell me—where have you been this last month?
PRINCE HENRY
Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my father.
PRINCE HENRY
Is that what a king would say? You pretend to be me, and I'll play my father.
FALSTAFF
Depose me? If thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by theheels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter’s hare.
FALSTAFF
You're going to take me off the throne? If you manage to do it even half as sincerely or majestically as I did, in both words and behavior, then hang me up like some baby rabbit for sale in a poultry shop.
PRINCE HENRY
Well, here I am set.
PRINCE HENRY
Well, I'm seated and ready.
FALSTAFF
And here I stand. — [To the others] Judge, my masters.
FALSTAFF
And I'll stand here.
[To the others] Judge what you see, my masters.
PRINCE HENRY
Now, Harry, whence come you?
PRINCE HENRY
Now, Harry, where have you come from?
FALSTAFF
My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
FALSTAFF
My noble lord, I have come from Eastcheap.
PRINCE HENRY
The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
PRINCE HENRY
I have heard some very serious complaints about you.
FALSTAFF
'Sblood, my lord, they are false.— [To the others] Nay,I’ll tickle you for a young prince, i' faith.
FALSTAFF
Damn it, my lord, they're all lies.
[To the others] I'm going to be very funny as the young prince, that's for sure.
PRINCE HENRY
Swearest thou? Ungracious boy, henceforth ne'er look onme. Thou art violently carried away from grace. There is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man. A tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humors, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloakbag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that reverend Vice, that gray iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly but to carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunningbut in craft? Wherein crafty but in villany? Wherein villanous but in all things? Wherein worthy but in nothing?
PRINCE HENRY
Did you just swear? You rude boy, never look at me again. You have been forcefully turned away from goodness. There is a devil that haunts you and it looks very much like an old, fat man. A ton of man is your companion. Why do you associate yourself with that container of diseases, that sifting bin of beastliness, that swollen crate of disease, that huge case of wine, that stuffed suitcase of stomach, that roasted ox stuffed with pudding, that reverend Vice, that grey-haired sinner, that elderly swaggerer, that man who has aged with vanity? What is he good for, except to taste wine and then drink it? What is he skilled at besides carving a chicken and eating it? What is he smart about besides scheming? What does he scheme about besides dirty tricks? Why is he wicked in all respects? Is he really worth anything?
FALSTAFF
I would your Grace would take me with you. Whom means your Grace?
FALSTAFF
I wish your Grace would explain what you mean a bit better. Who are you talking about, your Grace?
PRINCE HENRY
That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff,that old white-bearded Satan.
PRINCE HENRY
That evil, horrific corrupter of youth—Falstaff, that old, white-bearded devil.
FALSTAFF
My lord, the man I know.
FALSTAFF
My lord, I know the man.
PRINCE HENRY
I know thou dost.
PRINCE HENRY
I know you do.
FALSTAFF
But to say I know more harm in him than in myself were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the pity; his white hairs do witness it. But that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked.If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned. If to be fat be to be hated, thenPharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant being, as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy Harry’s company. Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
FALSTAFF
For me to say that he is worse than I am, would be more than I am able to say. He is old, that's true, and it's a shame—his white hairs prove his age. But to say that he's a—forgive me—a pimp, that I completely deny. If drinking sweet wine is a sin, then God help us all. If being old and cheerful is a sin, then most old innkeepers I know are damned. If it is bad to be fat, then we should all love Pharaoh's lean cows. No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins. As for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, honest Jack Falstaff, brave Jack Falstaff—and he is made more brave, since he is old Jack Falstaff—don't banish him from Harry's company. Don't get rid of him. If you get rid of plump Jack, you'll be getting rid of the entire world.
PRINCE HENRY
I do, I will.
PRINCE HENRY
I know. I will.
Knocking within. Exeunt BARDOLPH, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and FRANCIS. Enter BARDOLPH, running
BARDOLPH
O, my lord, my lord, the Sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the door.
BARDOLPH
Oh my lord, my lord, the Sheriff is at the door with an unusually large group of officers.
FALSTAFF
Out, you rogue.—Play out the play. I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
FALSTAFF
Get out, you idiot. We need to finish our play. I still have a lot to say on behalf of that Falstaff.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O Jesu, my lord, my lord—
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Oh Jesus, my lord, my lord—
PRINCE HENRY
Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddlestick. What’s the matter?
PRINCE HENRY
Hey, hey! What a lot of commotion. What's the matter?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The Sheriff and all the watch are at the door. They arecome to search the house. Shall I let them in?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The Sheriff and a group of officers are at the door. They have come to search the bar. Should I let them in?
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit. Thou art essentially made, without seeming so.
FALSTAFF
Did you hear that, Hal? Never call a real piece of gold a fake—you are true and loyal, even if your recent behavior doesn't show it.
PRINCE HENRY
And thou a natural coward without instinct.
PRINCE HENRY
And you are an born coward, with no instinct.
FALSTAFF
I deny your major. If you will deny the Sheriff, so; ifnot, let him enter. If I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up. I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.
FALSTAFF
I reject your logic. If you are going to reject the Sheriff, then do it. If not, then let him come in. If I'm not as impressive on the hangman's cart as the next man, then a curse on my upbringing. I'm as willing to be hanged as any other man.
PRINCE HENRY
Go, hide thee behind the arras. The rest walk up above.—Now, my masters, for a true face and good conscience.
PRINCE HENRY
Go and hide behind that tapestry, Falstaff. The rest of you go upstairs. Now, my masters, time to put on an honest face and a clear conscience.
FALSTAFF
Both which I have had, but their date is out; and therefore I’ll hide me. [he hides behind the arras]
FALSTAFF
I've had both of those, but their lease has expired, and so I think I'll hide. [He hides behind the tapestry]
Exeunt all but PRINCE HENRY and PETO
PRINCE HENRY
Call in the Sheriff.
PRINCE HENRY
Call in the Sheriff.
Enter SHERIFF and the CARRIER
Now, Master Sheriff, what is your will with me?
SHERIFF
First pardon me, my lord. A hue and cryHath followed certain men unto this house.
SHERIFF
First excuse me, my lord. A group of citizens have followed some particular men into this bar.
PRINCE HENRY
What men?
PRINCE HENRY
What men?
SHERIFF
One of them is well known, my gracious lord,A gross fat man.
SHERIFF
One of them is very well known, my gracious lord. He is a large, fat man.
CARRIER
As fat as butter.
CARRIER
As fat as butter.
PRINCE HENRY
The man, I do assure you is not here, For I myself at this time have employed him. And, Sheriff, I will engage my word to thee That I will by tomorrow dinner time Send him to answer thee or any man For any thing he shall be charged withal. And so let me entreat you leave the house.
PRINCE HENRY
I can assure you that that man isn't here, because I have just sent him on an errand. And, Sheriff, I give you my word that I will send him to appear before you by midday tomorrow with any other man that you need. He will answer to anything that he has been accused of. Now, will you please leave this bar?
SHERIFF
I will, my lord. There are two gentlemenHave in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
SHERIFF
I will, my lord. There are also two gentlemen have lost three hundred marks in this robbery.
PRINCE HENRY
It may be so. If he have robbed these men,He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
PRINCE HENRY
I'm sure that's true. If he has robbed these men, then he will be held responsible for it. And so, take care.
SHERIFF
Good night, my noble lord.
SHERIFF
Good night, my noble lord.
PRINCE HENRY
I think it is good morrow, is it not?
PRINCE HENRY
I think it's good morning by now, isn't it?
SHERIFF
Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o'clock.
SHERIFF
Indeed it is, my lord. It is two o'clock in the morning by now.
Exeunt SHERIFF and CARRIER
PRINCE HENRY
This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go call him forth.
PRINCE HENRY
This shifty rascal is as famous as St. Paul's Cathedral. Go and get him.
PETO
Falstaff!— [pulls back the arras] Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.
PETO
Falstaff! [Pulling back the tapestry] He is fast asleep behind here, and snoring like a horse.
PRINCE HENRY
Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.
PRINCE HENRY
God, listen to how heavy his breathing is. Search his pockets.
PETO searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain papers
What hast thou found?
PETO
Nothing but papers, my lord.
PETO
Just some papers, my lord.
PRINCE HENRY
Let’s see what they be. Read them.
PRINCE HENRY
Let's see what they say. Read them.
PETO
(reads) Item, a capon, … 2s. 2d. Item, sauce, … 4d. Item, sack, two gallons, … 5s. 8d. Item, anchovies and sack after supper, , , , 2s. 6d. Item, bread, ob.
PETO
[Reading] "Item One: A chicken—2 shillings, 2 pence.
Item Two: Sauce—4 pence.
Item Three: Wine, two gallons—5 shillings, 8 pence.
Item Four: Anchovies and wine after dinner—2 shillings, 6 pence.
Item Five: Bread— half a penny."
PRINCE HENRY
O monstrous! But one halfpennyworth of bread to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep close. We’ll read it at more advantage. There let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honorable. I’ll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot, and I knowhis death will be a march of twelve score. The money shall be paid back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning, and so good morrow, Peto.
PRINCE HENRY
Oh, how horrid! Just half a penny's worth of bread compared to this ridiculous amount of wine! Hold tight to everything else you found; we'll look at it when we have more time. Let him sleep there until the morning, and then I'll go to court. We're all going to have to fight in these wars, and you will all have honorable positions. I'm going to put this fat idiot in charge of some foot soldiers, and I bet he'll be dead before they've traveled even two hundred and forty yards. I will pay back the money that was robbed with interest. Meet me early in the morning and with that, good morning, Peto.
PETO
Good morrow, good my lord.
PETO
Good morning, my good lord.
Exeunt
