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Henry IV, Part 1

Henry IV, Part 1 Translation Act 3, Scene 3

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Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

FALSTAFF

Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last action? Do I not bate? Do I not dwindle? Why, my skin hangs about me like an like an old lady’s loose gown. I am withered like an old applejohn. Well, I’ll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some liking. I shall beout of heart shortly, and then I shall have no strengthto repent. An I have not forgotten what the inside of achurch is made of, I am a peppercorn, a brewer’s horse.The inside of a church! Company, villanous company, hath been the spoil of me.

FALSTAFF

Bardolph, haven't I completely shrunk since that robbery? Haven't I become so thin? Look, my skin is hanging off me like an old lady's loose dress. I am wasting away like an old, withered apple. Well, I'll repent for all the bad things I have done, and I should do it immediately, while I still can. I will be a bad condition soon, and I won't have the strength to repent. If I haven't forgotten what the inside of a church looks like, I'm a small and shriveled berry, a tired and worn-out horse. The inside of a church! I've been ruined by the company, the bad company, I keep. 

BARDOLPH

Sir John, you are so fretful you cannot live long.

BARDOLPH

Sir John, if you keep fretting this much, you aren't going to live very long. 

FALSTAFF

Why, there is it. Come sing me a bawdy song, make me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman need to be, virtuous enough: swore little; diced not above seventimes— a week; went to a bawdy house once in a quarter—of an hour; paid money that I borrowed, three orfour times; lived well and in good compass; and now I live out of all order, out of all compass.

FALSTAFF

Well, that's true. Come on, sing me a rude song, and cheer me up. I have lived a good life, like any other gentleman—well, good enough at least. I only swore a little bit, didn't gamble more than seven times...well, seven times a week, that is.  I went to a brothel never more than once every fifteen...minutes. I paid back my debts!  Well, at least three or four times. I lived well and in moderation, and I now I live a bad life, all out of moderation.

BARDOLPH

Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs be out of all compass, out of all reasonable compass, Sir John.

BARDOLPH

Sir John, you are so fat that everything about you is out of moderation, moderation wouldn't work for you, Sir John. 

FALSTAFF

Do thou amend thy face, and I’ll amend my life. Thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in the poop, but ’tis in the nose of thee. Thou art the knight of theburning lamp.

FALSTAFF

Well if you fix your face, then I will fix my life. You are the man at the front of our fleet, standing on the deck with a lantern, but instead of a lantern it's your nose. You are the Knight of the Burning Lamp!

BARDOLPH

Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm.

BARDOLPH

But, Sir John, my face can't hurt you.

FALSTAFF

No, I’ll be sworn, I make as good use of it as many a man doth of a death’s-head or a memento mori . I never see thy face but I think upon hellfire and Dives that lived in purple, for there he is in his robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way given to virtue, I would swear by thy face. My oath should be “By this fire, that’s God’s angel.” But thou art altogether given over,and wert indeed, but for the light in thy face, the sonof utter darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in thenight to catch my horse, if I did not think thou hadst been an ignis fatuus , or a ball of wildfire, there’s no purchase in money. O, thou art a perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light! Thou hast saved me a thousandmarks in links and torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap at the dearest chandler’s in Europe. I have maintained that salamander of yours with fire any time this two andthirty years, God reward me for it.

FALSTAFF

No, that's true, I can get some good use out of it, if I think of it like a skull or a reminder of death. I've never looked at your face and not thought of the fiery pits of hell and Dives, that rich man in purple from the Bible who burned forever. If there was anything good or virtuous about you, I would swear oaths at your face. My oath would be something like, "Standing by this fire, that's God's angel." But you are completely committed to wickedness that you would be the son of utter darkness, if it wasn't for that light from your red nose. When you ran up Gadshill in the middle of the night to get my horse, I was certain I was seeing a will-o'-the-wisp or a firework running. Oh, you are like a permanent festival of torches, an everlasting bonfire! You must have saved me about a thousand marks that I would have had to spend on torches, just by walking with me from bar to bar. Yet, the amount of wine you have drunk would have bought me lights from the most expensive candle-maker's in Europe. I have put up with that nose of yours and kept it burning for thirty-two years. I deserve some heavenly reward for that.

BARDOLPH

'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!

BARDOLPH

God! I wish my face was in your belly!

FALSTAFF

Godamercy, so should I be sure to be heart-burned!

FALSTAFF

God no! Then I would definitely have heart-burn!

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

How now, Dame Partlet the hen, have you enquired yet who picked my pocket?

How is it going, Dame Partlet the hen? Have you figured out who robbed me yet?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John, do you think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched, I have enquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy by boy, servant by servant. The tithe of a hair was never lost in my house before.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Why, Sir John? What do you think has happened, Sir John? Do you think that I keep thieves in this bar? I have searched for you, and I have asked around, and so has my husband. We have asked every man, every boy, and every servant. The slightest part of something has never been lost here before. 

FALSTAFF

You lie, hostess. Bardolph was shaved and lost many a hair; and I’ll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go to, youare a woman, go.

FALSTAFF

That's a lie, hostess. Bardolph has been shaved here, so has lost many hairs. And I am certain that I have been robbed. Damn you, you're just a woman, damn you. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Who, I? No; I defy thee! God’s light, I was never called so in mine own house before.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

What, me? No, you won't get a way with that! God, I've never been spoken to like that in my own bar. 

FALSTAFF

Go to, I know you well enough.

FALSTAFF

Leave off, I know all about you. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, Sir John, you do not know me, Sir John. I know you,Sir John. You owe me money, Sir John, and now you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it. I bought you a dozen of shirts to your back.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, Sir John, you don't know everything about me. I know everything about you, Sir John. You owe me money, Sir John. And now you argue with me and try to trick me out of it. I bought you a dozen shirts to wear. 

FALSTAFF

Dowlas, filthy dowlas. I have given them away to bakers' wives; they have made bolters of them.

FALSTAFF

They were awful, made of coarse linen. I had to give them away to bakers' wives to sift flour with—that was all those shirts were good for. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir John, for your diet and by- drinkings, and money lent you, four and twenty pound.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No they weren't! As I am an honest woman, they were made of fine linen and were worth eight shillings an ell. You owe me money as well, Sir John, for the food and drink you have had here—and the twenty four pounds that I lent you. 

FALSTAFF

[points at BARDOLPH ] He had his part of it. Let him pay.

FALSTAFF

[Pointing at BARDOLPH] He had some of that, let him pay you.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

He? Alas, he is poor. He hath nothing.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Him? No, he is poor. He has nothing.

FALSTAFF

How, poor? Look upon his face. What call you rich? Let them coin his nose. Let them coin his cheeks. I’ll not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker of me? ShallI not take mine case in mine inn but I shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a seal ring of my grandfather’s worth forty mark.

FALSTAFF

How is he poor? Look at his face. If that's not rich, I don't know what is. Let them sell his nose, or make money out of his cheeks. I won't pay a denier. Do you think I'm some kind of bumpkin? Can I not relax in a bar without having my pocket picked? I have lost my grandfather's ring with his seal on it, which is worth forty marks. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O Jesu, I have heard the Prince tell him, I know not how oft, that that ring was copper!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Oh Jesus, I've heard the Prince tell him so many times that that ring was just copper! 

FALSTAFF

How? The Prince is a jack, a sneak-up. 'Sblood, an he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog if he would sayso.

FALSTAFF

What? The Prince is a fool, a sneak. I swear to God, if he was here, I would beat him like a dog if he said that. 

Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF meets them laying on his truncheon like a fife

How now, lad, is the wind in that door, i' faith? Must we all march?

How's it going Hal, is this what we're doing? Do we all have to march? 

BARDOLPH

Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.

BARDOLPH

Yep, two-by-two, like prisoners on their way to Newgate

MISTRESS QUICKLY

My lord, I pray you, hear me.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

My lord, please, listen to me. 

PRINCE HENRY

What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.

PRINCE HENRY

What are you saying Mistress Quickly? How is your husband doing? I like him a lot; he is an honorable man. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good my lord, hear me.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

My good lord, please listen to me. 

FALSTAFF

Prithee, let her alone, and list to me.

FALSTAFF

Hal, leave her alone, and listen to me.

PRINCE HENRY

What say’st thou, Jack?

PRINCE HENRY

What are you saying, Jack?

FALSTAFF

The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras, and had my pocket picked. This house is turned bawdy house; they pick pockets.

FALSTAFF

The other night I fell asleep behind these curtains and was robbed. This bar is like a brothel; they steal your things. 

PRINCE HENRY

What didst thou lose, Jack?

PRINCE HENRY

What did you lose, Jack?

FALSTAFF

Wilt thou believe me, Hal, three or four bonds of fortypound apiece, and a seal ring of my grandfather’s.

FALSTAFF

Would you believe it, Hal? Three or four promises of money, worth forty pounds each, and a signet ring that was my grandfather's.

PRINCE HENRY

A trifle, some eightpenny matter.

PRINCE HENRY

That ring's nothing—it's barely worth eight pennies. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

So I told him, my lord, and I said I heard your Grace say so. And, my lord, he speaks most vilely of you, likea foul-mouthed man as he is; and said he would cudgel you.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

That's what I told him, my lord, and I said I had heard your Grace say so. Then, my lord, he said vile things about you, like the foul-mouthed man he is, and he said he would beat you!

PRINCE HENRY

What, he did not!

PRINCE HENRY

What? He did?!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

There’s neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Either he said that, or I'm not faithful, honest, or womanly at all. 

FALSTAFF

There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune, nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn fox, and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the deputy’s wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing, go.

FALSTAFF

There's about as much faith in you as there is in a whore, about as much truth as a fox running after a piece of bait. And as for your womanhood, a boy in a dress is more likely to be the deputy's wife than you are. Get out, you thing, go. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Say, what thing, what thing?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Thing? What thing?

FALSTAFF

What thing! Why, a thing to thank God on.

FALSTAFF

What thing?! Why a thing to thank God for.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou shouldst know it! I am an honest man’s wife, and, setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to call me so.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I am no thing to thank God for, you'd better believe it! I am the wife of an honoraable man, and ignoring my respect for your title of knight, you are a villain to call me that. 

FALSTAFF

Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say otherwise.

FALSTAFF

Ignoring your womanhood, you are just a beast, then. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Say, what beast, thou knave, thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

What beast, you dishonest man?

FALSTAFF

What beast? Why, an otter.

FALSTAFF

What beast? Why, an otter. 

PRINCE HENRY

An otter, Sir John. Why an otter?

PRINCE HENRY

An otter, Sir John. Why an otter? 

FALSTAFF

Why, she’s neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not where to have her.

FALSTAFF

Well she's not quite a fish and not quite a mammal—a man wouldn't know what to do with her. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Thou art an unjust man in saying so. Thou or any man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

You are a horrible man for saying a nasty thing like that. You or any other man would know what to do with me, you rascal, you. 

PRINCE HENRY

Thou sayest true, hostess, and he slanders thee most grossly.

PRINCE HENRY

You speak truthfully, hostess, and he has greatly offended you. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

So he doth you, my lord, and said this other day you owed him a thousand pound.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

He also offends you, my lord, and he said the other day that you owe him a thousand pounds. 

PRINCE HENRY

Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?

PRINCE HENRY

Sir, do I owe you a thousand pounds?

FALSTAFF

A thousand pound, Hal? A million. Thy love is worth a million; thou owest me thy love.

FALSTAFF

A thousand pounds, Hal? More like a million. But since your love is worth a million pounds, you just owe me your love. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Nay, my lord, he called you “jack,” and said he would cudgel you.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

That's not true, my lord, he called you a fool and said that he would beat you.

FALSTAFF

Did I, Bardolph?

FALSTAFF

Did I, Bardolph?

BARDOLPH

Indeed, Sir John, you said so.

BARDOLPH

Yes, Sir John, that's what you said. 

FALSTAFF

Yea, if he said my ring was copper.

FALSTAFF

Yes, but I only said I'd do this if he said my ring was trash and was just made of copper. 

PRINCE HENRY

I say ’tis copper. Darest thou be as good as thy word now?

PRINCE HENRY

I do say it's trash and just made of copper. Are you going to honor your promise and beat me then? 

FALSTAFF

Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare, but as thou art Prince, I fear thee as I fear the roaring of a lion’s whelp.

FALSTAFF

Hal, you know that if you were only a man, I would honor my promise. But since you're the Prince, I'm scared, like I'm scared of the roaring of a lion's cub.

PRINCE HENRY

And why not as the lion?

PRINCE HENRY

Why am I not the lion?

FALSTAFF

The King is to be feared as the lion. Dost thou think I’ll fear thee as I fear thy father? Nay, an I do, I pray God my girdle break.

FALSTAFF

The King is the only man as scary as a lion. Do you think I'm as scared of you as I am of your father? No, and if I was, I hope my girdle would break!

PRINCE HENRY

O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy knees! But, sirrah, there’s no room for faith, truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine. It is all filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest woman with picking thy pocket? Why, thou whoreson, impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in thy pocket but tavern reckonings, memorandums of bawdy houses, and one poor pennyworth, of sugar candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket were enriched with any other injuries but these, I am a villain. And, yet you will stand to it! You will not pocket up wrong! Art thou not ashamed?

PRINCE HENRY

Oh, if your girdle broke, your stomach would be hanging around your knees! But sir, there's no room in your chest for loyalty, honesty ,or the truth. Your chest is all filled up with guts and stomach. You are going to accuse an honest woman of robbing you? Why, you son-of-a-whore! You shameless, fat liar! I bet that the only things in your pockets were tavern bills, notes about brothels, and about a penny's worth of sweet candy to give you enough energy to keep going. If your pockets had anything in them except these things, then I'm a liar.And yet, you continue to lie! You will not accept criticism! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 

FALSTAFF

Dost thou hear, Hal? Thou knowest in the state of innocency Adam fell, and what should poor Jack Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I have more flesh than another man and therefore more frailty. You confess, then, you picked my pocket?

FALSTAFF

Don't you understand, Hal? You know that Adam fell even when living in the innocent world of Eden, so what chance does poor Jack Falstaff have in these evil times? You can see that I have more flesh than most other men, and that makes me more frail. Are you confessing then, that it was you who robbed me?

PRINCE HENRY

It appears so by the story.

PRINCE HENRY

So it seems, since I told you what was in your pockets.

FALSTAFF

Hostess, I forgive thee. Go make ready breakfast, love thy, husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy guests. Thou shalt find me tractable to any honest reason. Thou seest I am pacified still. Nay, prithee, be gone.

FALSTAFF

Hostess, I forgive you. Go and get breakfast ready, love your husband, take care of your servants, and look after your guests. You will find me an agreeable man normally. See how easily pleased I am. Now, please, get going!

Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY

Now, Hal, to the news at court. For the robbery, lad, how is that answered?

Hal, tell me about the news at court. Was anything said about our robbery?

PRINCE HENRY

O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to thee. The money is paid back again.

PRINCE HENRY

Oh, I will always be your protector, you fresh piece of meat. The money has been paid back.

FALSTAFF

O, I do not like that paying back. 'Tis a double labor.

FALSTAFF

Oh, I don't like the whole "paying back" thing—it's twice the amount of work.

PRINCE HENRY

I am good friends with my father and may do anything.

PRINCE HENRY

I am good friends with my father again, and so I can do anything.

FALSTAFF

Rob me the Exchequer the first thing thou dost, and do it with unwashed hands too.

FALSTAFF

Then start by robbing the royal treasury, and do it right now, without even washing your hands.

BARDOLPH

Do, my lord.

BARDOLPH

Do it, my lord.

PRINCE HENRY

I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.

PRINCE HENRY

I have found you some foot soldiers to command, Jack. 

FALSTAFF

I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find one that can steal well? O, for a fine thief of the age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for these rebels. They offend none but the virtuous. I laud them; I praise them.

FALSTAFF

I wish they could have been cavalrymen instead of foot soldiers. Where am I going to find a good thief? Oh, if only I had a great thief who was about twenty-two years old! I am awfully ill-equipped. Well, thank God for these rebels. They only go against the good people. I give them praise and honor for that. 

PRINCE HENRY

Bardolph!

PRINCE HENRY

Bardolph!

BARDOLPH

My lord.

BARDOLPH

My lord. 

PRINCE HENRY

Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster,To my brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.

PRINCE HENRY

Go and give this letter to my brother, Lord John of Lancaster. Take this one to the Lord of Westmoreland. 

Exit BARDOLPH

Go, Peto, to horse, to horse, for thou and I have thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.

Go to the horses Peto, to the horses. You and I have thirty miles to ride before lunchtime. 

Exit PETO

Jack, meet me tomorrow in the Temple hall At two o'clock in the afternoon; There shalt thou know thy charge, and there receive Money and order for their furniture. The land is burning. Percy stands on high, And either we or they must lower lie.

Jack, meet me at Temple Hall at two o'clock tomorrow afternoon, and I will give you a list of your troops then, as well as money and instructions about their equipment. This land is on the verge of destruction, and Percy has risen up against us all. At this stage, one of us must die. 

Exit PRINCE HENRY

FALSTAFF

Rare words, brave world!—Hostess, my breakfast, come.—O, I could wish this tavern were my drum.

FALSTAFF

Well said! What an amazing world this is!  Hostess, bring me my breakfast. Oh, if only I could lead my troops from this bar. 

Exit

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Lani strange
About the Translator: Lani Strange

Lani is currently studying for an MA in Shakespeare Studies at King's College London and Shakespeare's Globe. She has a BA in English and Latin Literature from the University of Warwick and worked as a Teacher of Drama for a year in between her undergraduate and postgraduate degrees. She has a love for all things theatrical and spends all of her free time either watching theatre or taking part in it herself.