Henry IV, Part 2 Translation Act 1, Scene 2
Enter Sir John FALSTAFF, with his PAGE bearing his sword and buckler
FALSTAFF
Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?
FALSTAFF
Sir, you giant, what did the doctor say about my urine?
PAGE
He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but, for the party that owed it, he might have more diseases than he knew for.
PAGE
Sir, he said that the urine itself was healthy urine, but as for the person who made the urine, he probably has more diseases than the doctor can even tell.
FALSTAFF
Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent anything that tends to laughter more than I invent, or is invented on me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the Prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off, why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels. I was never manned with an agate till now, but I will inset you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your master for a jewel. The juvenal, the Prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledge—I will sooner have a beard grow in thepalm of my hand than he shall get one off his cheek, and yet he will not stick to say his face is a face royal. God may finish it when He will. 'Tis not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it still at a face royal, for a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it, and yet he’ll be crowing as if he had writ man ever since his father was a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he’s almost out of mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dommelton about the satin for my short cloak and my slops?
FALSTAFF
All sorts of men seem to feel proud when they take a stab at me. The brain of this stupid man—made out of clay—or any man for that matter, isn't able to come up with anything that makes people laugh as much as I do. I am not only extremely witty myself, but I am also the reason why other men are witty. I walk here before you like a sow that has killed all of her babies, except for you. If the Prince sent you to work for me for any other reason than to make me angry, well then I'm an idiot. You tiny, little, son-of-a-bitch, you look like you'd be more suitable for me to wear in my hat than to be a servant at my feet. I have never been waited on by a boy who was as tiny as the stone in a ring. But don't worry, I'm not going to set you in a gold or a silver ring. I'll wrap you up in vile clothes instead and send you back to your master again, to be his jewel instead. That young man, the Prince, your master, who can't even grow hair on his face yet. I'm more likely to grow a beard in the palm of my hand than he is to grow one on his face. But that doesn't stop him from saying that his face is a royal one. Well, I guess God will give him a beard when he wants to—there's no sign of one yet. It will be able to remain a royal face, as he will never need to spend sixpence at the barbers. But still he claims that he's been a grown man ever since his father was young. He can keep his position. I have no love for him now, that for certain. What did Maiter Dommelton say about the satin to make my short jacket and my loose trousers?
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He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than Bardolph. He would not take his band and yours. He liked not the security.
PAGE
Sir, he said that he needs a better assurance that you will pay for it—more than just saying that Bardolph will take care of it. He didn't accept Bardolph's promise and he won't accept yours either. He didn't trust it.
FALSTAFF
Let him be damned like the glutton! Pray God his tonguebe hotter! A whoreson Achitophel, a rascally yea-forsooth knave, to bear a gentleman in hand and thenstand upon security! The whoreson smoothy-pates do now wear nothing but high shoes and bunches of keys at theirgirdles; and if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then they must stand upon security. I had as lief they would put ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with “security.” I looked he should have sent metwo-and-twenty yards of satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me “security.” Well, he may sleep in security, for he hath the horn of abundance, and the lightness of his wife shines through it, and yet cannot he see though he have his own lantern to light him. Where’s Bardolph?
FALSTAFF
Damn him to hell then, just like Dives! I hope to God that he burns even hotter! He's a son of a whore, a traitor! He's a complete liar: he'll encourage a gentleman to be hopeful and then later insist that he needs proof that I will pay. These horrid tradesmen—who now have short hair, heeled shoes, and important tokens around their waist—will agree with you on an honest bargain, and then turn around and say that they need proof you will pay. I would rather put rat poison in my mouth than agree to this "proof of payment." He was supposed to send me twenty-two yards of satin, as I am an honest knight— and instead he just demands "proof of payment!" Well, he can at least sleep well in the knowledge that he has a horn of plenty—his wife is cheating on him, and he is a cuckold, and yet he refuses to acknowledge it. Where's Bardolph?
PAGE
He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your Worship a horse.
PAGE
He's gone to Smithfield to buy you a horse, sir.
FALSTAFF
I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in Smithfield. An I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were manned, horsed, and wived.
FALSTAFF
You know, I bought Bardolph in Saint Paul's. Now he's going to buy me a horse in Smithfield. If he could just find me a wife in the brothels, I would have the best man, horse, and wife around.
Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
PAGE
Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for striking him about Bardolph.
PAGE
Sir, this is the nobleman who put the Prince in prison for hitting him when they were arguing about Bardolph.
FALSTAFF
Wait close. I will not see him.
FALSTAFF
Let's hide, I don't want to talk to him.
CHIEF JUSTICE
What’s he that goes there?
CHIEF JUSTICE
Who are you?
SERVANT
Falstaff, an ’t please your Lordship.
SERVANT
Falstaff, if it pleases your Lordship.
CHIEF JUSTICE
He that was in question for the robbery?
CHIEF JUSTICE
The same Falstaff who was a suspect in that robbery?
SERVANT
He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at Shrewsbury, and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
SERVANT
Yes, him, my lord. But since then, he has acted bravely at the Battle of Shrewsbury, and is now supposed to be taking some men to fight alongside Lord John of Lancaster.
CHIEF JUSTICE
What, to York? Call him back again.
CHIEF JUSTICE
What? He's off to York? Tell him to come back here.
SERVANT
Sir John Falstaff!
SERVANT
Sir John Falstaff!
FALSTAFF
Boy, tell him I am deaf.
FALSTAFF
Boy, tell him that I am deaf.
PAGE
You must speak louder. My master is deaf.
PAGE
Sorry, you need to speak louder. My master is deaf.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.—Go pluck him by the elbow. I must speak with him.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I'm sure he is—at least when anything good is being said. Then go and grab him by the arm. I need to speak to him.
SERVANT
Sir John!
SERVANT
Sir John!
FALSTAFF
What, a young knave and begging? Is there not wars? Is there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Donot the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than tobe on the worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it.
FALSTAFF
What? A young rascal and a beggar at that? Are there not wars happening? Aren't there things to do? Doesn't the King need more subjects? Don't the rebels need more soldiers? Even though it's shameful to be on any side other than the King's, it's even more shameful to be a beggar than it is to be a soldier on the wrong side. It makes the word "rebellion" seem even worse than it already is.
SERVANT
You mistake me, sir.
SERVANT
You've got me all wrong, sir.
FALSTAFF
Why sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat if I had said so.
FALSTAFF
Why sir, have I said that you are an honest man? Because, ignoring the fact that I'm a knight and a soldier, I would be a liar if I had said that.
SERVANT
I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and our soldiership aside, and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat if you say I am any other than an honest man.
SERVANT
Then I'm asking you, sir, to ignore the fact that you're a knight and a soldier, and let me tell you that you're lying if you say that I am anything other than an honest man.
FALSTAFF
I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that whichgrows to me? If thou gett’st any leave of me, hang me; if thou tak’st leave, thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter. Hence! Avaunt!
FALSTAFF
Do I have to let you tell me that? I am expected to ignore the things which define me as a person. If I let you do this, then hang me. If you allow yourself to do this, then you should be hanged too. You've got the wrong man. Therefore, get going! Out of my sight!
SERVANT
Sir, my lord would speak with you.
SERVANT
Sir, my lord wants to speak to you.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John Falstaff, a word please.
FALSTAFF
My good lord. God give your Lordship good time of the day. I am glad to see your Lordship abroad. I heard say your Lordship was sick: I hope your Lordship goes abroadby advice. Your Lordship, though not clean past your youth, have yet some smack of an age in you, some relishof the saltness of time in you, and I most humbly beseech your Lordship to have a reverent care of your health.
FALSTAFF
My good lord. I hope God gives your Lordship a good day. It's good to see your Lordship out and about. I heard some people saying that you have been sick. I hope that it's all right that you're out and about. Your Lordship—although you're not entirely past your youth—you have a bit of age creeping up on you, some signs of maturity. And I must humbly encourage your Lordship to make sure that you're taking care of your health.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John, I sent for you before you went off to fight at Shrewsbury.
FALSTAFF
An ’t please your Lordship, I hear his Majesty is returned with some discomfort from Wales.
FALSTAFF
If it pleases your Lordship, I have heard that the King is back from Wales and everything didn't go quite as planned.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent for you.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I am not here to talk about the King. Why didn't you come when I sent for you?
FALSTAFF
And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fallen into this same whoreson apoplexy.
FALSTAFF
I have also heard that his Highness has got the same awful paralysis.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, God mend him. I pray you let me speak with you.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, I hope that he recovers soon. Now please, I need to speak to you.
FALSTAFF
This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy , an ’t please your Lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson tingling.
FALSTAFF
If I've heard correctly, this paralysis is a kind of lethargy. If it pleases your Lordship to know more, it's a kind of sleepiness in the blood, an awful tingling feeling.
CHIEF JUSTICE
What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Why are you telling me all about it? Leave it alone.
FALSTAFF
It hath its original from much grief, from study, and perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his effects in Galen. It is a kind of deafness.
FALSTAFF
It comes from too much sadness, from mental concentration, and from disturbances in the brain. I have read about the causes of this disease in the writings of Galen. It's a kind of deafness.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I think you are fallen into the disease, for you hear not what I say to you.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well then I think that you must have this disease too, since you don't seem to be able to hear a word I'm saying to you.
FALSTAFF
Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, an ’t please you, it is the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that I am troubled withal.
FALSTAFF
It's possible, my lord, it's possible. But instead, if it pleases you, I think that I have the disease of not listening, the sickness of not paying attention—that is what I have.
CHIEF JUSTICE
To punish you by the heels would amend the attention ofyour ears, and I care not if I do become your physician.
CHIEF JUSTICE
The only way to fix that problem would be to put you in prison, and I can't say that I'd mind being your doctor.
FALSTAFF
I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your Lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me inrespect of poverty, but how should I be your patient tofollow your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
FALSTAFF
My lord, I am as poor as Job, but not as patient. Because I am so poor, your Lordship would be able to imprison me. But if I have to go to prison as you command, then people might have doubts or questions about it.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I sent for you, when there were matters against you foryour life, to come speak with me.
CHIEF JUSTICE
When I sent for you, there were charges against you which could have had you killed.
FALSTAFF
As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the lawsof this land-service, I did not come.
FALSTAFF
I was advised that because of the rules of military service and the fact that I was on duty, I should not go to you.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, the truth is that you have a huge reputation for doing dishonorable things, Sir John.
FALSTAFF
He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.
FALSTAFF
Anyone who wears a belt as huge as mine couldn't be thought of as anything less.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
CHIEF JUSTICE
You don't have very much, but you waste what you do have.
FALSTAFF
I would it were otherwise. I would my means were greater and my waist slender.
FALSTAFF
I wish it were different. I wish I had more and my waist was smaller.
CHIEF JUSTICE
You have misled the youthful Prince.
CHIEF JUSTICE
You have misled the young Prince.
FALSTAFF
The young Prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the great belly, and he my dog.
FALSTAFF
No, the young Prince has misled me. I'm just a man with a huge belly and he's the dog who leads me.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s exploit on Gad’s Hill. You may thank th' unquiettime for your quiet o'erposting that action.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, I don't want to open up a wound that has just healed. The good deeds you did at the Battle of Shrewsbury have partly made up for the robbery you committed at Gad's Hill. You can thank the rebellion for helping your offense be forgotten.
FALSTAFF
My lord!
FALSTAFF
My lord!
CHIEF JUSTICE
But since all is well, keep it so. Wake not a sleeping wolf.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Now that everything is all right, let's make sure things stay like that. We don't need to wake a sleeping wolf.
FALSTAFF
To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.
FALSTAFF
It's as bad to wake a wolf as it is to smell a fox.
CHIEF JUSTICE
What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
CHIEF JUSTICE
What? By this stage you seem like a candle—the best bit is burned out already.
FALSTAFF
A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow. If I did say of wax, my growth would approve the truth.
FALSTAFF
Then I'm a large, fat candle, made of animal fat, my lord. It would make more sense if you said I was a wax candle, as my waxing here has proved.
CHIEF JUSTICE
There is not a white hair on your face but should have his effect of gravity.
CHIEF JUSTICE
The white hairs on your face should be enough to tell me you're a man of gravity.
FALSTAFF
His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
FALSTAFF
No, I'm more a man of gravy, gravy, gravy.
CHIEF JUSTICE
You follow the young Prince up and down like his ill angel.
CHIEF JUSTICE
You follow the young Prince wherever he goes, like some kind of evil spirit.
FALSTAFF
Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope hethat looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell.Virtue is of so little regard in these costermongers' times that true valor is turned bear-herd; pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All the other gifts appurtenant to man, as the malice of this age shapes them, are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the capacitiesof us that are young. You do measure the heat of our livers with the bitterness of your galls , and we that are in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wagstoo.
FALSTAFF
That's not true, my lord. An evil spirit is light on its feet, and I'm sure that anyone who looks at me can tell that I'm too heavy. But I guess in some ways maybe you're right. I don't know what to think. Virtue counts for so little these days that true honor isn't even noticed—everyone is just thought of as a bear-leader. Being intelligent is only really useful for a bartender, and his intelligence is wasted because all he does is add up various bills. Even all the other good qualities of men aren't worth anything in these awful times. You old men don't think much of us younger people. You measure the heat of our passions against our melancholy and sadness. And I have to say that those of us who are at the forefront of youth, we're high-spirited as well as youthful.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single, and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John
CHIEF JUSTICE
Do you include yourself on the list of the young, even though you have age written all over you? Don't you have red and watery eyes? Wrinkled old hands? Jaundice? A white beard? A damaged leg? An ever-growing stomach? Isn't your voice hoarse? Aren't you short of breath? Your double chin is even bigger now? Your last bit of wit is gone, and all of you is ruined by age? And you still call yourself young? Oh, for shame, Sir John!
FALSTAFF
My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon, with a white head and something a round belly. For my voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only old in judgment and understanding. And he that will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money, and have at him! For the box of the ear that the Prince gave you, hegave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have checked him for it, and the young lion repents. Marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
FALSTAFF
My lord, I was born at about three o'clock in the afternoon, with a white head and a slightly round belly. As for my voice, I lost it by shouting and singing loud songs. I don't feel the need to prove my youth anymore to you. The truth is, I'm only old when it comes to my good judgement and my knowledge. If anyone wants to challenge me to a dancing competition for a thousand marks, then hand over the money and let's go! As for the slap against your head that the Prince gave you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have told him off for it, and the young lion is sorry. Indeed, he might not be wearing the normal sackcloth and ashes, but he is making up for it in silk clothes and by drinking old wine.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, God send the Prince a better companion.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I hope that God sends the Prince a better friend!
FALSTAFF
God send the companion a better prince. I cannot rid myhands of him.
FALSTAFF
I hope that the friend gets sent a better prince. I can't get rid of this one.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, the King hath severed you and Prince Harry. I hear you are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, the King has made sure that you and Prince Harry are separated. Apparently you are going with Lord John of Lancaster to fight against the Archbishop of York and the Earl of Northumberland.
FALSTAFF
Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look youpray, all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that ourarmies join not in a hot day, for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. If it be a hot day and I brandish anything but a bottle, I would I might never spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever. But it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs say I am an old man, you should give me rest.I would to God my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were better to be eaten to death witha rust than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion.
FALSTAFF
Yes, and thanks for bringing that up. But make sure you pray for peace and that our armies don't have to fight each other on a hot day. For, by the Lord, I'm only taking two shirts with me— so I don't want to be sweating a lot in them! If it's a hot day, the only thing I should be doing is holding out a bottle and drinking. If I do anything else, then I will never drink white wine again. I seem to be sent off on every dangerous mission. Well, I guess I can't live forever. That's always the trick of English people—if they have something good, they just keep using it. If you want to say that I'm an old man, then let me rest and not go to these wars. I wish to God that the enemy weren't so afraid of my name. I'd rather be left to rust than exhausted by all of this action.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well, stay true, stay true. God bless your mission!
FALSTAFF
Will your Lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me forth?
FALSTAFF
Will your Lordship lend me a thousand pounds so I can get ready for the battle?
CHIEF JUSTICE
Not a penny, not a penny. You are too impatient to bearcrosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my cousin Westmoreland.
CHIEF JUSTICE
I'm not going to lend you a penny. You're too eager for trouble. Goodbye to you now. Send my regards to Westmoreland.
Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
FALSTAFF
If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no more separate age and covetousness than he can part young limbs and lechery; but the gout galls the one, andthe pox pinches the other, and so both the degrees prevent my curses. —Boy!
FALSTAFF
If I do, smack me with a sledgehammer. A man is just as able to separate age from greed as he is to separate youth from lust. Gout affects the first, and syphilis gets the other. So there's no point in cursing either the old or the young, because they both have their own curses!
[To his PAGE] Boy!
PAGE
Sir.
PAGE
Sir.
FALSTAFF
What money is in my purse?
FALSTAFF
How much money do I have in my purse?
PAGE
Seven groats and two pence.
PAGE
Seven groats and two pence.
FALSTAFF
I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse. Borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lordof Lancaster, this to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair on my chin . About it. You know where to find me.
FALSTAFF
There's nothing I can do to make the state of my purse any better. Borrowing money only delays the inevitable, but there is no cure for this disease. Go and take this letter to the Lord of Lancaster; this one to the Prince; and this one to the Earl of Westmoreland. Also, take this one to old Mistress Ursula, as I have been promising to marry her every week since I got my first grey hair. Off you go. You know where to find me.
Exit PAGE
A pox of this gout! Or, a gout of this pox, for the oneor the other plays the rogue with my great toe. 'Tis nomatter if I do halt. I have the wars for my color, and my pension shall seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.
Oh damn this gout! Or maybe damn this syphilis. For one or the other is wreaking havoc on my big toe. Well, I guess it doesn't matter if I have to limp. I can blame it on the wars, and that will make my pension seem all the more justified. A clever mind can turn any problem into a good thing. I can even turn diseases to my advantage.
Exit
