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Henry IV, Part 2

Henry IV, Part 2 Translation Act 2, Scene 1

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Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, with two officers; FANG with her and SNARE following

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Master Fang, have you entered the action?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Master Fang, have you filed my complaint?

FANG

It is entered.

FANG

It has been filed. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Where’s your yeoman? Is ’t a lusty yeoman? Will a'stand to ’t?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Where's your second-in-command? Is he a fit second in command? Will he be up to the task?

FANG

Sirrah! Where’s Snare?

FANG

Sir! Where's Snare?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O Lord, ay, good Master Snare.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Oh God, yes, good Master Snare!

SNARE

Here, here.

SNARE

I'm here, I'm here.

FANG

Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.

FANG

Snare, we have to arrest Sir John Falstaff. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Yea, good Master Snare, I have entered him and all.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Yes, good Master Snare, I have filed an official complaint against him and everything. 

SNARE

It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab.

SNARE

Doing that might cost some of us our lives—he'll try and stab us. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Alas the day, take heed of him. He stabbed me in mine own house, and that most beastly, in good faith. He cares not what mischief he does. If his weapon be out, he will foin like any devil. He will spare neither man, woman, nor child.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Oh dear, watch out for that! He's stabbed me in my own house, and it was horrible, it really was. He doesn't care what kind of trouble he gets into. If his weapon is out, he will thrust it at anyone around, like some kind of devil. No man, woman, or child is safe from him. 

FANG

If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.

FANG

As long as I can get close enough to him, I won't worry about his thrusting.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, nor I neither. I’ll be at your elbow.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, and I won't either, as I will be right next to you. 

FANG

An I but fist him once, an he come but within my vue—

FANG

If I could just hit him once, if he just comes within my sight—

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I am undone by his going. I warrant you, he’s an infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him sure. Good Master Snare, let him not ’scape. He comes continuantly to Pie Corner, saving your manhoods, to buy a saddle, and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber’s Head in Lumbert Street, to Master Smooth’s the silkman. I pray you, since my exion is entered, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to bear, and Ihave borne, and borne, and borne, and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing, unless a woman should be made an ass and a beast to bear every knave’s wrong. Yonder he comes, and that errant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and Master Snare,do me, do me, do me your offices.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I am ruined because he's gone off to the wars without paying his bill. I am telling you, the amount he owes me is infinite. Good Master Fang, make sure you keep hold of him. Good Master Snare, don't let him escape. Any moment now, he is going to come to Pie Corner, sorry for talking about it, to buy a saddle. He is then always invited to lunch at the Lubber's Head in Lumbert Street, with Master Smooth, the silk-salesman. Please make him pay for what he has done. My case has been made at court, and now everyone knows how easily he had me—had me fooled, I mean. A hundred marks is a lot for one poor, lonely woman to take, and I have taken it again and again and again. I have been part of an uneven exchange over and over again, day after day--so many times that I don't even want to think about it. It's an awful way to do your business, unless you think that a woman should just be like an ass or some wild beast, that any idiot can do bad things to. Look, here he comes and he's with that deviant, red-nosed rascal Bardolph. Do your jobs, do your jobs. Do this for me, Master Fang and Master Snare, and get him. 

Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, and PAGE

FALSTAFF

How now! Whose mare’s dead? What’s the matter?

FALSTAFF

What's all this?! Whose horse is dead? What's all the fuss about?

FANG

Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.

FANG

Sir John, I arrest you for the case brought against you by Mistress Quickly. 

FALSTAFF

Away, varlets!—Draw, Bardolph. Cut me off the villain’shead. Throw the quean in the channel.

FALSTAFF

Go away, you rascals!

[To BARDOLPH] Draw your sword, Bardolph. Cut off this villain's head. Throw this whore in the gutter. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Throw me in the channel? I’ll throw thee in the channel. Wilt thou, wilt thou, thou bastardly rogue? —Murder, murder! Ah, thou honeysuckle villain, wilt thou kill God’s officers and the King’s? Ah, thou honeyseed rogue, thou art a honeyseed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Throw me in the gutter? I'll throw you in the gutter. You will, will you, you monstrous villain?

[To FANG and SNARE] Murder, murder!

[To FALSTAFF] Oh, you honeysuckle villain, are you going to kill God's officers, and the King's? Oh, you honeyseed rogue, you are just that—a honeyseed, a man killer, and a woman killer. 

FALSTAFF

Keep them off, Bardolph.

FALSTAFF

Keep them away from me, Bardolph. 

FANG

A rescue, a rescue!

FANG

An escape, an escape! 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good people, bring a rescue or two. [to FALSTAFF ] Thou wot, wot thou? Thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou rogue. Do, thou hempseed.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

People, bring him an escape or two!

[To FALSTAFF]
You will, will you? You will, will you? Do it then, do it then, you villain. Do it, you hempseed

FALSTAFF

Away, you scullion, you rampallion, you fustilarian! I’lltickle your catastrophe.

FALSTAFF

Get away from me, you lackey, you ruffian, you fat old thing! I'll smack your butt!

Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and his men

CHIEF JUSTICE

What is the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!

CHIEF JUSTICE

What is the matter? Let's have some order here, come on!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you stand to me.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

My good lord, be good to me. Please stand up for me. 

CHIEF JUSTICE

How now, Sir John? What, are you brawling here? Doth this become your place, your time, and business? You should have been well on your way to York. [to FANG] Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang’st thou upon him?

CHIEF JUSTICE

What's going on, Sir John? Why are you fighting? Is this appropriate for a man in your position, at your age, and with your duties? You should already be well on your way to York.

[To FANG]
Get away from him, you! Why are you holding onto him like that?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O my most worshipful lord, an ’t please your Grace, I am apoor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Oh, my magnificent lord, I beg your pardon; I'm just a poor widow from Eastcheap, and he has been arrested because I've made a case against him. 

CHIEF JUSTICE

For what sum?

CHIEF JUSTICE

What sum does he owe you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home. He hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his. [to FALSTAFF] But I will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee o' nights like the mare.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

It's more than some, my lord—it's everything I have! He's eaten me out of house and home. He's put everything I have into that fat belly of his.

[To FALSTAFF]
But I'll get some of it back again, or I will ride you hard in your sleep like a horse, as if you're in some kind of nightmare.

FALSTAFF

I think I am as like to ride the mare if I have any vantage ofground to get up.

FALSTAFF

I think it's likely that I will ride you, if I manage to get on top of you. 

CHIEF JUSTICE

How comes this, Sir John? Fie, what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own?

CHIEF JUSTICE

How has this happened, Sir John? For shame! What kind of man with a good character would put up with this angry whirlwind of abuse? Aren't you ashamed that a poor widow has been made to do all of this, just to get what is rightfully hers? 

FALSTAFF

[to MISTRESS QUICKLY] What is the gross sum that I owe thee?

FALSTAFF

[To MISTRESS QUICKLY] What is the total amount that I owe you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin chamber at the round table by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor, thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher’s wife, come inthen and call me Gossip Quickly, coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told thee theywere ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone downstairs, desire me to be no more so familiaritywith such poor people, saying that ere long they shouldcall me madam? And didst thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it if thou canst.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Indeed, if you were an honest man, you would give me both the money and yourself along with it. You swore to me over a gold-plated wine glass, when we were sitting in the Dolphin chamber in my inn, at the round table by the fire, on the Wednesday seven weeks after Easter, when the Prince had hit you on the head for saying that his father was just a singer from Windsor, a pretender to the throne—do you remember? You swore to me, as I was cleaning your wounds, that you would marry me and make me a real lady and your wife. Can you deny that? Didn't Mrs. Lard, the butcher's wife, come in right at that moment—calling me her friend and neighbor and asking to borrow a little bit of vinegar? Didn't she tell us that she had some good shrimp, which you of course wanted to try, and I told you that it was not good to eat them with an unhealed wound? And when she had gone back downstairs, didn't you tell me to stop being so friendly with people of such a low class—telling me that before long they would be calling me madam, because we would be married and I would be a lady? And didn't you kiss me and ask me to lend you thirty shillings? Now put your hand on the Bible and deny it, if you can. 

FALSTAFF

My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath beenin good case, and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But, for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress against them.

FALSTAFF

My lord, this is a poor insane woman. She's been telling people all over town that her eldest son looks just like you. She used to have money, and the truth is, poverty has made her lose her mind. But as for these stupid officers, I would like to make my own case against them.

CHIEF JUSTICE

Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practiced upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and in person.

CHIEF JUSTICE

Sir John, Sir John, I know only too well how you can manipulate the truth and twist it into lies. But don't worry, I'm not going to be swayed by your confident manner, or the stream of words that always comes with your rude and disrespectful behavior—I will consider this fairly. From what I can tell, you have abused the kindness of this woman, and made her take care of you with her money—and in other ways. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Yea, in truth, my lord.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Yes, he has, my lord. 

CHIEF JUSTICE

Pray thee, peace. [to FALSTAFF] Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villany you have done her. The one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.

CHIEF JUSTICE

Be quiet, please.

[To FALSTAFF]
Pay back your debt to her, and make up for the wrongs you have done to her. You can do the first thing by giving her actual money, and you can do the second thing by asking for her forgiveness. 

FALSTAFF

My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honorable boldness “impudent sauciness.” If a man will make curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will not be your suitor. I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers, beingupon hasty employment in the King’s affairs.

FALSTAFF

My lord, I won't just take this insult without replying. You call my honorable actions rude and disrespectful. Is a man only virtuous if he bows and says nothing? No, my lord, with all due respect, I'm not going to be completely silent. I am telling you that I need these officers to release me, as I have work that I need to do for the King as soon as possible. 

CHIEF JUSTICE

You speak as having power to do wrong; but answer in th'effect of your reputation, and satisfy this poor woman.

CHIEF JUSTICE

You talk like you're allowed to do whatever you want, regardless of the law. But act in a way that is fitting for your rank, and make it up to this poor woman. 

FALSTAFF

Come hither, hostess.

FALSTAFF

Come here, hostess.

FALSTAFF takes MISTRESS QUICKLY aside

Enter GOWER

CHIEF JUSTICE

Now, Master Gower, what news?

CHIEF JUSTICE

Now, Master Gower, what is the news?

GOWER

The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of WalesAre near at hand. The rest the paper tells.

GOWER

My lord, the King and Harry Prince of Wales are almost here. This letter will tell you everything else. 

FALSTAFF

As I am a gentleman!

FALSTAFF

On my honor!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Faith, you said so before.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Really?! Because you've said that before. 

FALSTAFF

As I am a gentleman. Come. No more words of it.

FALSTAFF

On my honor as a gentleman! Come on, let's stop talking about it. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawnboth my plate and the tapestry of my dining chambers.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I swear on the heavenly ground that I walk on, that I will have to pawn my best silverware and the tapestries in my dining room.

FALSTAFF

Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking. And for thy walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal orthe German hunting in waterwork is worth a thousand of these bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, an ’twere not for thy humors, there’s not a better wench in England. Go wash thy face, and draw the action. Come, thou must not be in this humor with me. Dost not know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.

FALSTAFF

Don't worry about that. People just need glasses, glasses for drinking. And as for your walls, you can have a pretty light-hearted painting, or something showing the Prodigal son. Don't you think that one of those German hunting scenes—the ones painted on the walls to imitate a tapestry—is worth a thousand of those horrible bed curtains, and fly-bitten tapestries? Let me borrow ten pounds, please? Come on, if it weren't for your mood swings, I would say that you are the best woman in England. Go on, go and wash away your tears, and then get rid of this case against me. Come on, don't be so  moody with me. Don't you know me? Come on, come on, I know you were convinced to do this.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles. I' faith, I amloath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Please, Sir John, let's just call it just twenty nobles. Please, I don't want to have to pawn my best silverware, so help me God. 

FALSTAFF

Let it alone. I’ll make other shift. You’ll be a fool still.

FALSTAFF

All right, I'll leave it. I'll find some other way around it. I guess you'll always be a fool.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. I hopeyou’ll come to supper. You’ll pay me all together?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, I will lend it to you, even if I have to pawn my dresses. I hope you'll come and have dinner tonight? You can pay it all back to me then?

FALSTAFF

Will I live? [to BARDOLPH] Go with her, with her. Hook on, hook on.

FALSTAFF

I swear on my life!

[To BARDOLPH]
Go with her, go with her. Attach yourself to her, and don't let her out of your sight.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Would you like Doll Tearsheet to meet you for dinner?

FALSTAFF

No more words. Let’s have her.

FALSTAFF

No more talking. Let's have her. 

Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY, FANG, SNARE, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE

CHIEF JUSTICE

I have heard better news.

CHIEF JUSTICE

I've heard better news. 

FALSTAFF

What’s the news, my good lord?

FALSTAFF

What's the news, my good lord?

CHIEF JUSTICE

Where lay the King last night?

CHIEF JUSTICE

Where did the King sleep last night?

GOWER

At Basingstoke, my lord.

GOWER

At Basingstoke, my lord. 

FALSTAFF

I hope, my lord, all’s well. What is the news, my lord?

FALSTAFF

I hope everything is all right, my lord. What's happened, my lord?

CHIEF JUSTICE

Come all his forces back?

CHIEF JUSTICE

Did all of his troops come back?

GOWER

No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horseAre marched up to my Lord of LancasterAgainst Northumberland and the Archbishop.

GOWER

No. Fifteen hundred foot soldiers and five hundred cavalrymen are marching up to meet the Lord of Lancaster, to fight against Northumberland and the Archbishop of York. 

FALSTAFF

Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord?

FALSTAFF

Has the King come back from Wales, my noble lord?

CHIEF JUSTICE

You shall have letters of me presently.Come. Go along with me, good Master Gower.

CHIEF JUSTICE

I'll give you some letters soon. Come on, let's go, Master Gower. 

FALSTAFF

My lord!

FALSTAFF

My lord!

CHIEF JUSTICE

What’s the matter?

CHIEF JUSTICE

What's the matter?

FALSTAFF

Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?

FALSTAFF

Master Gower, would you like to have lunch with me?

GOWER

I must wait upon my good lord here. I thank you, good SirJohn.

GOWER

I must stay with this good lord, but I thank you for the offer, good Sir John. 

CHIEF JUSTICE

Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to takesoldiers up in counties as you go.

CHIEF JUSTICE

Sir John, you have already stayed here for too long. You need to try to recruit soldiers, as you travel up through the counties to the north. 

FALSTAFF

Will you sup with me, Master Gower?

FALSTAFF

Would you like to have dinner with me then, Master Gower?

CHIEF JUSTICE

What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?

CHIEF JUSTICE

What foolish teacher taught you to have these manners, Sir John?

FALSTAFF

Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool thattaught them me.—This is the right fencing grace, my lord:tap for tap, and so part fair.

FALSTAFF

Master Gower, if my manners aren't suitable, then the person who taught me them is a fool.

[To the CHIEF JUSTICE] This is how people play, my lord: they each give as good as they have, and then they part as equals. 

CHIEF JUSTICE

Now the Lord lighten thee. Thou art a great fool.

CHIEF JUSTICE

May the Lord help you. You are a great fool. 

Exeunt

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Lani strange
About the Translator: Lani Strange

Lani is currently studying for an MA in Shakespeare Studies at King's College London and Shakespeare's Globe. She has a BA in English and Latin Literature from the University of Warwick and worked as a Teacher of Drama for a year in between her undergraduate and postgraduate degrees. She has a love for all things theatrical and spends all of her free time either watching theatre or taking part in it herself.