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Henry IV, Part 2

Henry IV, Part 2 Translation Act 2, Scene 4

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Enter two DRAWERS

FRANCIS

What the devil hast thou brought there—applejohns? Thouknowest Sir John cannot endure an applejohn.

FRANCIS

What on earth have you got there—apple-johns? You know that Sir John hates apple-johns.

SECOND DRAWER

Mass, thou sayest true. The Prince once set a dish of applejohns before him and told him there were five moreSir Johns and, putting off his hat, said “I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered him to the heart. But he hath forgot that.

SECOND DRAWER

God, that's true. The Prince once put a plate of apple-johns in front of him and said, "Look, here are five more Sir Johns!" Then, putting on his hat, he said, "I will now leave these six, dry, round, old, withered knights behind." That made Sir John very angry, but he has forgotten about it now. 

FRANCIS

Why then, cover, and set them down, and see if thou canstfind out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hearsome music.

FRANCIS

Well then, put the table cloth on and set the dishes down on top. Then go see if you can find Sneak's band of musicians. Mistress Tearsheet wants to hear some music. 

Enter THIRD DRAWER

THIRD DRAWER

Dispatch: the room where they supped is too hot. They’llcome in straight.

THIRD DRAWER

Hurry up! The room they had their dinner in was too hot, and so they'll be here any minute now. 

FRANCIS

Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon, andthey will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and SirJohnmust not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

FRANCIS

Sir, the Prince and Master Poins will be here at some point soon. They are going to disguise themselves by putting on a couple of our jackets and aprons—but Sir John can't know anything about it. Bardolph came and told me.

THIRD DRAWER

By the Mass, here will be old utis. It will be an excellentstratagem.

THIRD DRAWER

By God, there's going to be some fun had here. What an excellent plan!

SECOND DRAWER

I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.

SECOND DRAWER

I'll go see if I can find Sneak and his band.

FRANCIS and THE DRAWERS exit

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la . But, i' faith, you havedrunk too much canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s this?” How do you now?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Truthfully, sweetheart, I think you are in an excellent mood. Your pulse is beating as quickly as you want it to, and your cheeks are as red as any rose, honestly! But, in all seriousness, I do think you might have drunk too much of that sweet wine, and it is strong stuff. It will stir up your blood quicker than you can say, "What's all this?" How are you doing now, Doll?

DOLL TEARSHEET

Better than I was. Hem.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I'm doing better than I was. [She hiccups]

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth gold.Lo, here comes Sir John.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well said! A good heart is worth a lot of gold. Look, here comes Sir John.

Enter FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF

[sings] When Arthur first in court —Empty the jordan. [sings] And was a worthy king How now, Mistress Doll?

FALSTAFF

[Singing] "When King Arthur was first in court" 

[To one of the drawers] Empty the chamber-pot.

[Singing] "And was a worthy king."


[To DOLL TEARSHEET] How are you going, Mistress Doll?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

She's sick of a qualm, in all truth.

FALSTAFF

So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm, they aresick.

FALSTAFF

That's common for women of her type. As soon as they have a moment of calm, they get sick.

DOLL TEARSHEET

A pox damn you, muddy rascal. Is that all the comfort yougive me?

DOLL TEARSHEET

Damn you, you fat idiot. Is that all you can say to make me feel better?

FALSTAFF

You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

FALSTAFF

You make rascals fat, Mistress Doll.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them; I makethem not.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I make them fat? No, overeating and diseases make men fat. I have no part in it.

FALSTAFF

If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to makethediseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you.Grantthat, my poor virtue, grant that.

FALSTAFF

If the cook helps us to overeat, then you help us to catch diseases, Doll. We catch them from you, Doll, from you. At least admit to that, my poor girl.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Yes, my dear, you get from us the valuable things we've been given.

FALSTAFF

Your broaches, pearls, and ouches—for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely, to venture upon the charged chambers bravely—

FALSTAFF

Your broaches, your pearls, and your gems. We go in bravely, but we come out limping, you know. We leave the ruptured place with our spears bravely bent. We seek medical help, only to bravely re-enter the diseased chambers again.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

DOLL TEARSHEET

Oh, go die, you disgusting eel, go die somewhere!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts. You cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What the good-year! One must bear, and that must be you. You are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I swear, it's always like this. You two can never meet without having some kind of argument. I swear, you're both as hot as dry toast—you can't stand each others flaws. What on earth is wrong with you two! But one of you has to bear the brunt of it. And that has to be you, Doll, since you're the weaker sex, the empty vessel as they say. 

DOLL TEARSHEET

Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him. You have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Can this weak, empty vessel take the weight of such a huge, fat, barrel? There's an entire merchant's stock of Bordeaux wine in him. I've never seen a ship with a bigger load stuffed in the hold.

[To FALSTAFF] Come on, I'll be friends with you, Jack. You're going off to fight in the wars, and whether or not I will ever see you again—well, who cares, really.

Enter FIRST DRAWER

FIRST DRAWER

Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak withyou.

FIRST DRAWER

Sir, Pistol the standard-bearer is downstairs and would like to speak to you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It isthe foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I hope he dies, that rude scoundrel! Don't let him come in, he's got the most disgusting mouth in all of England. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith, I must live among my neighbors. I’ll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best. S hut the door. There comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

If he's going to cause any problems, then don't let him come in. No, indeed, I have to think about my neighbors. And I don't want any trouble here. I have a good reputation and people think highly of me. Shut the door. We won't have any trouble here. I haven't lived this long just to be ruined by trouble now. Shut the door, please. 

FALSTAFF

Dost thou hear, hostess?

FALSTAFF

Did you hear, hostess?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Pray you pacify yourself, Sir John. There comes no swaggerershere.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Please be quiet for a minute, Sir John. I'm not having any troublemakers here.

FALSTAFF

Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

FALSTAFF

Did you hear? It's my standard-bearer.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Tilly-vally, Sir John, ne'er tell me. And your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty t' other day, and, as he said to me—’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i' good faith— “Neighbour Quickly,” says he—Master Dumb, our minister, was by then—“Neighbour Quickly,” says he, “receive those that are civil, for,” said he, “you are in an ill name.” Now he said so, I can tell whereupon. “For,” says he, “you arean honest woman, and well thought on. Therefore take heed what guests you receive. Receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.” There comes none here. You wouldbless you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Oh fiddlesticks, Sir John, I don't want to know. And your horrible standard-bearer is not coming in here. The other day, I met with the Master Tisick, the deputy. He said to me—this can only have been last Wednesday I think—he said, "Neighbor Quickly." Master Dumb, the minister, was there as well, actually. Anyway, he said, "Neighbor Quickly, only let in people who are well-behaved, since people are starting to question your reputation." That's what he said, and I can tell you why. "You're an honest woman, and highly regarded," he said. "So be careful about who you let in. Don't let in any troublemakers." So that's what I'm doing. You would be lucky to hear what he said. No, I will not let any troublemakers in at all.

FALSTAFF

He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater, i' faith. You may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back inany show of resistance. —Call him up, drawer.

FALSTAFF

He's not a troublemaker, hostess. He's just a harmless cheater, honestly. You can pet him like he's some kind of little puppy. He wouldn't even fight against a guinea fowl, even if her feathers stood up on end in anger

[To the FIRST DRAWER] Bring him up here, bartender. 

Exit FIRST DRAWER

MISTRESS QUICKLY

“Cheater,” call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering. By my troth, I am the worse when one says “swagger.” Feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

A "cheater" you call him? I won't stop any honest man from coming into my bar, nor any cheater. But I hate troublemakers. Honestly, I can't handle it when someone says the word "trouble." Look, masters, look how I am shaking. Look, I'm telling you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

So you do, hostess.

DOLL TEARSHEET

You really are, hostess.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an aspen leaf. Icannot abide swaggerers.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Am I? Yes, I am. I'm shaking like some giant leaf in the wind. I just can't put up with troublemakers.

Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE

PISTOL

God save you, Sir John.

PISTOL

God save you, Sir John.

FALSTAFF

Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with acup of sack. Do you discharge upon mine hostess.

FALSTAFF

Welcome Pistol, my standard-bearer. Here, Pistol, I toast to you with this glass of wine. Now, kindly do the same for our hostess. 

PISTOL

I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

PISTOL

Sir John, all I will do for her is unload two big bullets

FALSTAFF

She is pistol-proof. Sir, you shall not hardly offend her.

FALSTAFF

She's Pistol-proof. Sir, there's not much you can do to harm her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll drink no morethan will do me good, for no man’s pleasure, I.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Come on now, I'm not going to have any proofs, or any bullets.  I will only drink as much as I want to. No man will make me do otherwise. 

PISTOL

Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you.

PISTOL

Then what about you, Mistress Dorothy? I'll charge you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor,base, rascally, cheating lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldyrogue, away! I am meat for your master.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Charge me? I'm just going to ignore that, you vile man. What? You're a poor, disgusting, lying, cheating, shirtless fool! Get away from me, you moldy scoundrel, get away from me! I'm meant for someone better than you.

PISTOL

I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

PISTOL

I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you. Since when, I pray you,sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!

DOLL TEARSHEET

Get away from me, you pickpocket, you villain, you horrible thief! I swear on this very wine that I will stab you in your moldy face if you keep on like this. Get away from me, you cheap rascal, you out-of-date soldier! Can I ask, since when have you been a soldier? With two armor tags on your shoulders, I bet! 

PISTOL

God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

PISTOL

I will strangle your neck for saying that, or at least will die trying to.

FALSTAFF

No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off here. Dischargeyourself of our company, Pistol.

FALSTAFF

Enough, Pistol. I don't want you to go off on anyone here. Go somewhere else, Pistol.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, good Captain Pistol. Not here, sweet captain.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain? You slave, for what? For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house? He a captain! Hang him, rogue. He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these villains will make the word as odiousas the word “occupy,” which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to ’t.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Captain? You despicable, damned cheater: aren't you ashamed to be called a captain? If captains thought of you like I do, they would beat you for taking their title without earning it. You, a captain? You rogue, a captain of what? Of ripping up a poor whore's clothes in a brothel? Is he a captain? Let him die, the villain. He lives off the moldy food that is left over in brothels. A captain? By God, men like him with make the word "captain" as hated as the word, "occupy," a word that was a great choice, before it was tainted. Therefore, captains should be ready for that.

BARDOLPH

Pray thee go down, good ancient.

BARDOLPH

Please, calm down, good standard-bearer.

FALSTAFF

Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

FALSTAFF

Listen to me, Mistress Doll.

PISTOL

Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her.I’ll be revenged of her.

PISTOL

I won't. I'll tell you what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her into pieces. I'll get my revenge.

PAGE

Pray thee go down.

PAGE

Please, calm down!

PISTOL

I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd lake, by this hand, to th' infernal deep with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! Down, Fates! Have we not Hiren here?

PISTOL

I'll see her damned first! I'll personally see her damned to the waters of hell, to the never-ending deep, with darkness and vile tortures. Let things go as I've planned. Down, down, dogs. Down, Fates! I have my sword here!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good Captain Peesell, be quiet. 'Tis very late, i' faith. Ibeseek you now, aggravate your choler.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good Captain Pistol, please be quiet. Honestly, it's very late. Please, rein in your anger. 

PISTOL

These be good humors indeed. Shall pack-horses And hollow pampered jades of Asia, which cannot go but thirty mile a day, Compare with Caesars and with cannibals, and Troyant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?

PISTOL

These are fine goings-on indeed. Should we let old pack-horses and stupid, pampered horses from Asia—who can't travel more than a few miles every day—compare with men like Caesar, important generals, and mythical Greek soldiers going off to Troy? No, I would rather damn them to hell, and let the heavens roar. Shall we fight about nothing?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Honestly, captain, those are very aggressive words.

BARDOLPH

Begone, good ancient. This will grow to a brawl anon.

BARDOLPH

Leave now, good standard-bearer. This will turn into a fight before long.

PISTOL

Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we notHiren here?

PISTOL

Let men die like dogs! Give away the King's crowns like they're nothing! Isn't this a sword, a Hiren here?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O' my word, captain, there’s none such here. What the good-year, do you think I would deny her? For God’s sake, bequiet.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I swear to you, captain, there is no one who goes by that name here! Why on earth would I lie about it if there was? For God's sake, be quiet. 

PISTOL

Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, give ’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento. Fearwe broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire. Give me some sack, and, sweetheart, lie thou there. [lays down his sword] Come we to full points here? And are etceteras nothing?

PISTOL

Then keep eating and get fat, my beautiful lady. Come on, give me some wine. If my fortunes torment me, then hope contents me. Should we have to fear an attack? No, let the devil start shooting. Give me some wine, and, sweetheart, you can lie down there. [He lays down his sword.] Is this where this all ends? What about the et ceteras?

FALSTAFF

Pistol, I would be quiet.

FALSTAFF

Pistol, I would be quiet if I were you.

PISTOL

Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the sevenstars.

PISTOL

Sweet knight, I kiss your hand goodnight. Look, it's so late that we can see the Big Dipper.

DOLL TEARSHEET

For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs. I cannot endure sucha fustian rascal.

DOLL TEARSHEET

For God's sake, throw him down the stairs. I can't stand anymore of this ridiculous fool. 

PISTOL

“Thrust him downstairs?" Know we not Galloway nags?

PISTOL

"Throw him down the stairs?" Let's face it, we all know a common whore when we see one. 

FALSTAFF

Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. Nay,an he do nothing but speak nothing, he shall be nothinghere.

FALSTAFF

Throw him down, Bardolph, like a coin rolling along some game board. If all he's going to do here is say a bunch of nonsense, then it is nonsense for him to be here at all.

BARDOLPH

Come, get you downstairs.

BARDOLPH

Come on, get downstairs.

PISTOL

What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue? [ snatches up his sword] Then death rock me asleep, abridgemy doleful days. Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwine the Sisters Three. Come, Atropos, I say.

PISTOL

What? Is there going to be a cutting now? Will we shed blood? [He snatches up his sword] Then let death rock me to sleep; let death end my sad days! Why then, let horrible, ghastly and gaping wounds sever the thread of my life, made by those three sisters. Come on then, Atropos.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Here’s goodly stuff toward!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

This should be good.

FALSTAFF

Give me my rapier, boy.

FALSTAFF

Give me my sword, boy.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Please, Jack, please don't fight him.

FALSTAFF

Get you downstairs. [drawing and driving PISTOL out]

FALSTAFF

Get downstairs. [He draws his sword and chases PISTOL]

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Here’s a goodly tumult. I’ll forswear keeping house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

This is going to be quite a fight. I swear, I would rather close my bar than have to put up with such terrors and frights. It's murder, I'm telling you! Oh dear, oh dear! Put away your naked weapons, put them away!

Exeunt PISTOL pursued by BARDOLPH

DOLL TEARSHEET

I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah, youwhoreson little valiant villain, you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Please, Jack, calm down now. The bastard's gone. Oh, you stupid, little, brave scoundrel, you!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Are you not hurt i' the groin? Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Did he get you in the groin? I thought that he got a good whack at your stomach.

Enter BARDOLPH

FALSTAFF

Have you turned him out o' doors?

FALSTAFF

Have you thrown him out?

BARDOLPH

Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i' the shoulder.

BARDOLPH

Yes, sir. The fool is drunk. You hurt his shoulder, sir. 

FALSTAFF

A rascal to brave me!

FALSTAFF

That fool! Why would he dare to challenge me?

DOLL TEARSHEET

Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

DOLL TEARSHEET

Oh, you sweet little rascal, you! Oh, my poor little monkey, look how much you're sweating! Come on, let me wipe your face clean. Come on, little chubby cheeks. Oh, you rascal, truthfully, I love you. You're as brave as Hector of Troy, you're worth five Agamemnons, and you're at least ten times better than all of the Nine Worthies. Oh, you villain!

FALSTAFF

Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

FALSTAFF

Oh, what a rascal and a villain! I will toss that scoundrel around in a blanket. 

DOLL TEARSHEET

Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll canvassthee between a pair of sheets.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Do it, if you dare to risk your life. If you do, I'll toss you around as well, between the sheets. 

Enter musicians

PAGE

The music is come, sir.

PAGE

The musicians are here, sir. 

FALSTAFF

Let them play.—Play, sirs.—Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascalbragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.

FALSTAFF

Let them play.

[To the musicians] Play, sirs.

[To DOLL TEARSHEET] Doll, come and sit on my knee. What a rascal, a bragging scoundrel! That villain ran away from me like quicksilver. 

DOLL TEARSHEET

I' faith, and thou followed’st him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig , when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights and begin topatch up thine old body for heaven?

DOLL TEARSHEET

He did, and you followed him like a church, at your own pace. You little, wretched, fat pig! When are you going to leave your fighting days behind you and your thrusting nights, and start to prepare your body for heaven?

Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised as drawers

FALSTAFF

Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death’s-head; do not bidme remember mine end.

FALSTAFF

Be quiet, good Doll. Don't speak like some kind of reminder of death; don't make me remember my own mortality.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of?

DOLL TEARSHEET

Sir, what is the Prince like?

FALSTAFF

A good shallow young fellow, he would have made a goodpantler; he would a' chipped bread well.

FALSTAFF

He's a shallow young man. He would have made a good pantry servant—he would have been good at cutting the crusts off loaves of bread.

DOLL TEARSHEET

They say Poins has a good wit.

DOLL TEARSHEET

People say that Poins is very witty. 

FALSTAFF

He a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit’s as thick asTewksbury mustard. There’s no more conceit in him than isin a mallet.

FALSTAFF

Poins? Very witty? Let him hang; he's a baboon! His wit is about as thick as Tewkesbury mustard. He's about as witty as a hammer. 

DOLL TEARSHEET

Why does the Prince love him so then?

DOLL TEARSHEET

Why does the Prince love him so much then?

FALSTAFF

Because their legs are both of a bigness, and he plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild marewith the boys, and jumps upon joint stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties he has that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the Prince admits him; for the Prince himself is such another. The weightof a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.

FALSTAFF

Because their legs are roughly the same size, and he likes to play the game of quoits. He also has good digestion, and he does funny things with drinks—like drinking with a lit candle inside his glass. He plays on the see-saw with the boys, hops on top of stools, and swears well. His boots fit him very well—they are as smooth as the well-booted leg shown as a sign over a shoemaker's shop.  He doesn't anger others by revealing their secrets, and has all the qualities of a man with a weak mind and a healthy body. That's why the Prince likes him—because the Prince is exactly the same. There's barely a hair's difference between them.

PRINCE HENRY

[To POINS] Would not this nave of a wheel have his earscut off?

PRINCE HENRY

[To POINS] Why don't we cut this fat thing's ears off?

POINS

Let’s beat him before his whore.

POINS

Let's beat him in front of his whore.

PRINCE HENRY

Look whe'er the withered elder hath not his poll clawedlikea parrot.

PRINCE HENRY

Look at how this decrepit, old man is having his head scratched like he's some kind of parrot.

POINS

Is it not strange that desire should so many years outliveperformance?

POINS

Isn't it strange that human desires last so much longer than the actual ability to perform?

FALSTAFF

Kiss me, Doll.

FALSTAFF

Kiss me, Doll.

PRINCE HENRY

Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th'almanac to that?

PRINCE HENRY

I guess Saturn and Venus must be aligned this year! What does the almanac have to say about that? 

POINS

And look whether the fiery trigon, his man, be not lisping tohis master’s old tables, his notebook, his counsel keeper.

POINS

And look how his man—that red-faced Bardolph—is whispering love to Mistress Quickly, his master's old companion. 

FALSTAFF

[to DOLL] Thou dost give me flattering busses.

FALSTAFF

[To DOLL] You flatter me with all of your kisses.

DOLL TEARSHEET

By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Truthfully, every kiss I give you comes from the heart.

FALSTAFF

I am old, I am old.

FALSTAFF

But I'm old, I'm old. 

DOLL TEARSHEET

I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of themall.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I love you more than I could love any silly, young boy. 

FALSTAFF

What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive moneyo' Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it grows late. We’ll to bed. Thou 'lt forget me when I am gone.

FALSTAFF

Out of what material shall we make you a new bodice and skirt? I will get money on Thursday, so you can have a new hat tomorrow.

[To the musicians] Play something happy!

[To DOLL TEARSHEET] Come on, it's getting late. Let's go to bed. You will soon forget me when I am gone.

DOLL TEARSHEET

By my troth, thou 'lt set me a-weeping an thou sayest so.Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. Well,harken a' th' end.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I swear, you'll make me cry if you keep saying things like that. I swear that I won't wear any pretty clothes until you come back from the wars. Just you wait and see. 

FALSTAFF

Some sack, Francis.

FALSTAFF

Some wine, Francis. 

PRINCE HENRY AND POINS

Anon, anon, sir.

PRINCE HENRY AND POINS

Coming, sir. 

Coming forward

FALSTAFF

Ha? A bastard son of the King’s?—And art not thouPoins his brother?

FALSTAFF

[To PRINCE HENRY] Ha? Aren't you a bastard son of the King's?

[To POINS] And aren't you his companion, Poins?

PRINCE HENRY

Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thoulead?

PRINCE HENRY

Well, you're like a globe, covered in sinful areas. What kind of life are you leading?

FALSTAFF

A better than thou. I am a gentleman. Thou art a drawer.

FALSTAFF

A better one than you. I'm a gentleman, you just pull on taps for beer and wine. 

PRINCE HENRY

Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

PRINCE HENRY

That's true, sir, and I've come to pull you out of here by your ears. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O, the Lord preserve thy good Grace! By my troth, welcometo London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine.OJesu, are you come from Wales?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

[Recognizing PRINCE HENRY] Oh, God bless your good Grace! Indeed, welcome to London. May the Lord bless that sweet face of yours. Oh Jesus, have you come all the way from Wales?

FALSTAFF

Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, [indicating DOLL] by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

FALSTAFF

You son-of-a-bitch, you great lump of royalty! [Pointing to DOLL] I swear on this weak bit of flesh and this corrupt body that you are welcome here.

DOLL TEARSHEET

How? You fat fool, I scorn you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

What? You fat fool! I defy you!

POINS

My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turnallto a merriment, if you take not the heat.

POINS

My lord, if you don't show him how angry you are now, he will find some way to turn it into some big joke. And then you'll never get your revenge. 

PRINCE HENRY

You whoreson candle-mine, you how vilely did you speak ofme even now before this honest, virtuous, civilgentlewoman!

PRINCE HENRY

You son-of-a-bitch, you huge mound of candle wax: how dare you say such vile things about me to this chaste, virtuous, and honest woman?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she is, by mytroth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

God bless your good heart, sir. She is all of those things, I swear it. 

FALSTAFF

Didst thou hear me?

FALSTAFF

Did you hear me?

PRINCE HENRY

Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away byGad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it onpurpose to try my patience.

PRINCE HENRY

Yes, and you knew I was there, didn't you? This is just like the time you ran away from me at Gad's Hill. You knew I was behind you, and you still said those things, to test my patience. 

FALSTAFF

No, no, no; not so. I did not think thou wast within hearing.

FALSTAFF

No, no, sir, that's not true. I didn't know that you could hear me. 

PRINCE HENRY

I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilfull abuse, and thenI know how to handle you.

PRINCE HENRY

Then I will have to force you to confess that you meant to say such awful things—such slander about me. And then I will know what to do with you.

FALSTAFF

No abuse, Hal, o' mine honor, no abuse.

FALSTAFF

It wasn't slander, Hal. On my honor, it wasn't slander.

PRINCE HENRY

Not to dispraise me and call me pantier and bread-chipperand I know not what?

PRINCE HENRY

You don't think it was slander to say bad things—calling me a pantry servant, someone only fit to cut crusts off bread—and who knows what else?

FALSTAFF

No abuse, Hal.

FALSTAFF

It wasn't slander, Hal.

POINS

No abuse?

POINS

It wasn't?

FALSTAFF

No abuse, Ned, i' th' world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give methanks for it. No abuse, Hal. —None, Ned, none. No, faith, boys, none.

FALSTAFF

No slander, Ned, in the world, honest Ned, none. I only said those bad things to wicked people, so that they wouldn't fall in love with you. In doing this, I have acted like a caring friend and a loyal subject, and your father should thank me for it. No slander, Hal, none.

[To POINS] Ned, none.

[To PRINCE HENRY and POINS] Honestly boys, none. 

PRINCE HENRY

See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked, is thine hostess here of the wicked, or is thy boy of the wicked, or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?

PRINCE HENRY

Now your total fear and complete cowardice have made you wrong this honest woman, just so that we won't be angry with you. Is she wicked? Is this hostess here wicked? Is this boy here wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose commitment is so strong it burns his face. Is he wicked too?

POINS

Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

POINS

Answer him, you rotten old thing, answer him. 

FALSTAFF

The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the devil outbids him too.

FALSTAFF

The devil has put Bardolph on his list for certain, and his face is like Lucifer's kitchen—a place where only drunks are. As for the boy, there is definitely a good angel looking after him, but also a devil that overpowers it.

PRINCE HENRY

For the women?

PRINCE HENRY

What about the women?

FALSTAFF

For one of them, she’s in hell already and burns poor souls.For the other, I owe her money, and whether she be damnedfor that I know not.

FALSTAFF

One of them is already in hell and infects poor men. As for the other one, I owe her money, and I don't know if she's damned.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, I warrant you.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I'm not, I can assure you of that.

FALSTAFF

No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.

FALSTAFF

No, I think you're not; I think you're forgiven for that. Although there is another charge against you, for the fact that you serve meat here, which is against the law. You will probably pay for that.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

All vitlars do so. What’s a joint of mutton or two in awholeLent?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Anyone who sells food does that. What's wrong with just a little bit of meat during Lent?

PRINCE HENRY

You, gentlewoman.

PRINCE HENRY

Excuse me, gentlewoman. 

DOLL TEARSHEET

What says your Grace?

DOLL TEARSHEET

What is it, your Grace?

FALSTAFF

His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

FALSTAFF

His Grace calls her a gentlewoman, even when his body knows she's a whore.

Knocking within

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there, Francis.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Who's knocking so loudly at my door? See who it is, Francis.

Enter PETO

PRINCE HENRY

Peto, how now, what news?

PRINCE HENRY

Peto, how are you and what news do you have for me?

PETO

The King your father is at Westminster, And there are twenty weak and wearied posts Come from the north, and as I came along I met and overtook a dozen captains, Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.

PETO

The King, your father, is at Westminster. Twenty tired messengers have just arrived there from the north. And as I was traveling I overtook at least a dozen captains, all disheveled and worn out, knocking on the door of every tavern to ask for Sir John Falstaff.

PRINCE HENRY

By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame So idly to profane the precious time When tempest of commotion, like the south Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads. Give me my sword and cloak. —Falstaff, good night.

PRINCE HENRY

By God, Poins, I feel guilty for wasting precious time here when a violent storm is on the horizon, ready to rain down on our bare and unprotected heads. Give me my sword and my coat. Falstaff, good night. 

Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH

FALSTAFF

Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.

FALSTAFF

Now it's the best time of the night, and we have to go before we can enjoy it. 

Knocking within

More knocking at the door?

More knocking?!

Enter BARDOLPH

How now, what’s the matter?

What's going on?

BARDOLPH

You must away to court, sir, presently.A dozen captains stay at door for you.

BARDOLPH

You are needed at court immediately, sir. A dozen captains are waiting at the door for you.

FALSTAFF

[to the PAGE] Pay the musicians, sirrah. —Farewell, hostess .—Farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after. The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.

FALSTAFF

[To the PAGE] Pay the musicians, sir.

[To MISTRESS QUICKLY] Goodbye, hostess.

[To DOLL TEARSHEET] Goodbye, Doll.

[To the ladies] Look how wanted important men like me are. A person who does nothing might as well just sleep, while men of action like me get going. Goodbye, my lovely women. If I am not sent off to the wars right away, I will see you again before I go. 

DOLL TEARSHEET

I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst—well,sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I can't speak. My heart feels ready to burst. Well, my sweet Jack, please take care of yourself. 

FALSTAFF

Farewell, farewell.

FALSTAFF

Goodbye, goodbye.

Exeunt FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, PAGE, and musicians

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nineyears, come peascod time, but an honester and truer-heartedman—well, fare thee well.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, goodbye to you. I will have known you for twenty-nine years by the time the peas grow this summer. But a more honest and truer man—well, goodbye to you. 

BARDOLPH

[within] Mistress Tearsheet!

BARDOLPH

[Offstage] Mistress Tearsheet!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

What’s the matter?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

What's the matter?

BARDOLPH

[within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

BARDOLPH

[Offstage] Tell Mistress Tearsheet to go to my master.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come.—She comesblubbered.—Yea! Will you come, Doll?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Oh run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come on.

[To BARDOLPH] She will have to go with her face stained with tears. But she's coming!

[To DOLL TEARSHEET] Will you come, Doll?

Exeunt

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Lani strange
About the Translator: Lani Strange

Lani is currently studying for an MA in Shakespeare Studies at King's College London and Shakespeare's Globe. She has a BA in English and Latin Literature from the University of Warwick and worked as a Teacher of Drama for a year in between her undergraduate and postgraduate degrees. She has a love for all things theatrical and spends all of her free time either watching theatre or taking part in it herself.