MARIA

No, either tell me where you've been, or I won't say a word in your defense. My lady Olivia will have you hanged for being absent.

FOOL

Let her hang me then. A well-hanged (and well-hung) man doesn't need to be afraid of anything he sees.

MARIA

Explain—and clean up your language.

FOOL

He'll be dead, and so he won't see anything to be afraid of.

MARIA

That's a meager answer. And I can tell you where you got that saying about not being afraid of anything.

FOOL

Where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA

From soldiers at war. And it's bold of you to talk like a soldier, when you're only a fool.

FOOL

Well, let God give wisdom to those who have it. Everyone has their talents, and for those of us who are fools, let us use our gifts.

MARIA

But you'll still be hanged for being gone so long. Or at least fired and kicked out, and wouldn't that be just as bad for you?

FOOL

Sometimes getting hanged saves a man from getting into a bad marriage, and as for getting kicked out, it's summer, so being homeless won't be so bad.

MARIA

You are firm in your resolve, then?

FOOL

No, but I am resolved on two points.

MARIA

Yes—the two points where your suspenders are buttoned on. If one breaks, the other will hold. But if both break, your pants will fall.

FOOL

Very clever, really, very clever. Well, go along now. If only Sir Toby would stop drinking, you'd be a woman who was as funny as any person in Illyria.

MARIA

Quiet, you villain, no more of that. Here comes my lady. It would be best for you if you came up with a good excuse for being gone so long.

FOOL

[To himself] Come on, wit, give me something good to say now! Those people who think they're witty often prove to be fools. And I'm sure that I'm not witty, so I might pass for a wise man. For what did the philosopher Quinapalus say? "Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit."

God's greetings to you, my lady!

OLIVIA

Take the fool away.

FOOL

Didn't you hear her, fellows? Take the lady away.

OLIVIA

That's enough—you're a dull, dry fool. I'm tired of you. Besides, you're getting unreliable.

FOOL

My holy lady, these are two flaws that some alcohol and good advice will fix. If you give the dry fool a drink, then the fool won't be dry anymore. And if you give the unreliable man some good advice, then he can mend his ways and won't be unreliable anymore. And if he can't mend his ways, then let the tailor mend him. Anything that's mended is only patched up. A virtuous man who does something wrong is only patched with sin, and a sinner who mends his ways is only patched with virtue. If this logical argument will convince you, then good. But if not, what can be done? The only truly betrayed husband is one deserted by luck, and beauty is a lucky flower—so you won't remain alone for long, my lady. But you gave orders to take away the fool. So I tell you all again, take the lady away.

OLIVIA

Sir, I told them to take you away.

FOOL

An error of the worst kind! Lady, don't judge a book by its cover—that's to say that I wear jester's clothes on the outside, but my brain is still sharp. My holy lady, let me prove that you're a fool.

OLIVIA

Can you do it?

FOOL

Easily, my good lady.

OLIVIA

Then prove it.

FOOL

I must ask you some questions then, my holy lady. Please answer them, my virtuous little mouse.

OLIVIA

Well, sir, I have nothing better to do, so I'll go along with this.

FOOL

Dear lady, why are you in mourning?

OLIVIA

Dear fool, because of my brother's death.

FOOL

I think his soul is in hell, lady.

OLIVIA

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

FOOL

Then you're a fool, holy lady, to mourn your brother's soul being in heaven. Now take away the fool, gentlemen.

OLIVIA

What do you think of this fool, Malvolio? Hasn't he gotten better?

MALVOLIO

Yes, and he will until the day he dies. Old age and senility hurt wise people, but improve fools.

FOOL

Then may God send you old age and senility, that you might become a better fool! Sir Toby would bet a fortune that I'm not a clever man, but he wouldn't bet two cents that you're not a fool.

OLIVIA

What do you say to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

I'm surprised that your ladyship enjoys the company of such an empty-headed villain. The other day I saw him lose a battle of wits to an ordinary idiot who had no more brains than a stone. Look at him now, he's without a witty retort already. Unless you laugh and give him an opportunity, he can't think of a thing to say. I declare that the so-called wise men who laugh so hard at these jesters' well-rehearsed routines are no better than jesters' assistants themselves.

OLIVIA

Oh, you're sick with vanity, Malvolio, and it affects your good taste. If you were generous, innocent, and friendly, then you wouldn't make such mountains out of mole-hills. There's no real harm in a professional fool, even if he does nothing but mock people. In the same way there's no real mockery in a wise man, even if he does nothing but criticize people.

FOOL

May Mercury—that god of deception—make you a skilled liar, to reward you for speaking so highly of fools!

MARIA

Madam, there's a young gentleman at the gate who greatly desires to speak with you.

OLIVIA

Is he sent from Duke Orsino?

MARIA

I don't know, madam. He's a good-looking young man, and has some attendants with him.

OLIVIA

Which of my people is delaying him right now?

MARIA

Sir Toby, madam, your uncle.

OLIVIA

Send Sir Toby away, please. He talks like a madman. Shame on him!

You go, Malvolio. If this visitor is a messenger from the duke, then tell him that I'm sick, or not at home. Do whatever you have to to make him go away.

Now you see, sir, how your jokes grow stale, and people dislike them.

FOOL

Holy lady, you've spoken so highly of us fools—it's almost as if your eldest son was going to be a fool. And may God cram his skull with brains, for here comes one of your relatives whose head is quite empty.

OLIVIA

I swear, he's half-drunk. Who is that at the gate, uncle?

SIR TOBY BELCH

A gentleman.

OLIVIA

A gentleman? What gentleman?

SIR TOBY BELCH

There's a gentleman here—[hiccoughs] Damn those pickled herring! They upset my stomach. How's it going, you drunken fool?

FOOL

Good Sir Toby!

OLIVIA

Uncle, uncle, it's so early in the day—how are you already so sick?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Tricks? I hate tricks. There's a man at the gate.

OLIVIA

Yes, I heard, but who is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Let him be the devil if he wants to be, I don't care. God will give me the faith to resist him. It doesn't matter to me.

OLIVIA

Tell me what a drunk man is like, fool.

FOOL

He's like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman. The first drink makes him a fool, the second makes him a madman, and the third drowns him.

OLIVIA

Go and find the coroner then, and let him investigate my uncle—for he's in the third degree of drunkenness, and has drowned. Go look after him.

FOOL

He's still only in the second degree, my lady, so the fool will take care of the madman.

MALVOLIO

Madam, that young fellow out there swears that he must speak with you no matter what. I told him you were sick. He claims to know that already, and says that that's why he came to speak with you. I told him you were asleep. He claims to know that already too, and said that that's why he came to speak with you. What should I say to him, lady? He's too strong for all my excuses.

OLIVIA

Just tell him that he won't speak with me.

MALVOLIO

I told him that already, but he says he'll stand at your door like a signpost or the leg of a bench until he is allowed to speak with you.

OLIVIA

What kind of man is he?

MALVOLIO

Why, part of mankind.

OLIVIA

But what is his manner?

MALVOLIO

He has very bad manners. He says he'll speak to you whether you like it or not.

OLIVIA

But what does he look like, and how old is he?

MALVOLIO

He's not yet old enough to be a man, but not young enough to be a boy either. He's like a pea pod or an apple just before it's ripe. He's like a slack tide, caught between coming in and going out—between boyhood and manhood. He's very good-looking, but he's nagging. It seems like he's just barely stopped breastfeeding.

OLIVIA

Let him enter. Call in my lady-in-waiting.

MALVOLIO

Gentlewoman, my lady calls for you.

OLIVIA

Give me my veil. Come, throw it over my face. [OLIVIA puts on a veil] Let's hear Orsino's offer once more.

VIOLA

Which of you is the honorable lady of the house?

OLIVIA

Speak to me—I'll answer for her. What do you want?

VIOLA

Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty—but please, tell me if you're really the lady of the house, for I've never actually seen her. I would hate to throw away my speech on the wrong person, for it is excellently written and was very hard for me to memorize. Good beauties, please don't scorn me. I'm very sensitive, even to the slightest bit of rudeness.

OLIVIA

Where do you come from, sir?

VIOLA

I can only repeat what I've memorized, and that question isn't part of my lines. Please, gentle lady, just assure me that you are the lady of the house, so I can go on with my speech.

OLIVIA

Are you an actor?

VIOLA

No, my dear lady. But I also swear that I'm not the same person as the part I'm playing. Are you the lady of the house?

OLIVIA

If I haven't stolen this role from myself, then I am.

VIOLA

If you are the lady of the house, then you certainly have stolen from yourself, because what's yours to give away is not yours to keep for yourself. But this isn't what I was sent to say. I'll go on with my speech praising you, and then I'll get to the heart of my message.

OLIVIA

Just tell me the important part. I'll excuse you for skipping the praise.

VIOLA

Oh, but I worked so hard memorizing it, and it's poetic.

OLIVIA

Then it's more likely to be fake. Please, keep it to yourself. I heard you were rude at my gates, and I let you in because I was curious about you, not to hear your message. If you're not crazy, then go. If you're sane, be quick. I am not in the mood for lively conversation.

MARIA

Will you set sail and leave now, sir? Here's the door.

VIOLA

No, good sailor, I'll dock here a little longer. My lady, would you call off your giant here?

OLIVIA

Tell me what you want.

VIOLA

I am a messenger.

OLIVIA

Then you must have a horrible message to deliver, since you're so afraid to get to the point. Speak your business.

VIOLA

It only concerns you. I'm not bringing a declaration of war or a demand for praise. I'm only bringing you an olive branch. My words are full of peace.

OLIVIA

Yet you began rudely. Who are you? What do you want?

VIOLA

I only learned my rudeness from the way I was received here. Who I am and what I want are as secret as a girl's virginity. I have a holy message for your ears only. It would be blasphemy for anyone else to hear it.

OLIVIA

Everyone, leave us alone. I will hear this "holy message."

Now, sir, what is your sacred text?

VIOLA

Most sweet lady—

OLIVIA

This sounds like a comforting doctrine of faith, one that deserves to be spoken of. Where is the sacred text your "holy message" comes from?

VIOLA

In Orsino's heart.

OLIVIA

In his heart? In what chapter and verse of his heart?

VIOLA

To continue this metaphor—in the first chapter of his heart.

OLIVIA

Oh, I have read that. It's not a holy message, it's heresy. Do you have anything more to say?

VIOLA

Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA

Did your lord order you to negotiate with my face? You've gone off your script now.  But I'll draw the curtain and show you the picture. Look, sir, this is a portrait of me in this present moment. Isn't it well done?

VIOLA

It's excellently done, if that's the way God made it.

OLIVIA

It's natural, sir. Wind and rain won't wash it off.

VIOLA

It's truly beautiful—your red lips and white skin painted by Nature's sweet and skillful hand. My lady, you are the cruelest woman alive if you'll let your beauty go with you to the grave, instead of having children and passing it on.

OLIVIA

Oh, sir, I won't be so cruel. I'll give out lists of my beauty. I'll make a detailed inventory, with every part labeled and added to my will. For example—item: two lips, moderately red. Item: two grey eyes, with lids attached. Item: one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you only sent here to praise my beauty?

VIOLA

I see what you are—you're too proud. But even if you were the devil, you'd still be beautiful. My lord and master loves you. Such love as his couldn't be repaid even if you were crowned the most beautiful woman in the world.

OLIVIA

How does he love me?

VIOLA

With adoration, with abundant tears, with thunderous groans, with passionate sighs.

OLIVIA

Your lord knows my mind. I cannot love him. I'm sure he is a virtuous man, and I know he's noble, rich, and young. Public opinion reports that he is generous, smart, and brave, both gracious in his manner and good-looking. But despite all that, I cannot love him. He should have accepted my answer long ago.

VIOLA

If I loved you with my master's passion—with such suffering and a life that is like death—your rejection would make no sense to me. I would not understand it.

OLIVIA

Well, what would you do if you were your master?

VIOLA

I would build a little cabin outside your gates, and from there I'd call out to you, my soul, in your house. I would write loyal songs about unrequited love and sing them loudly even in the dead of night. I would shout your name to the hills and make their echoes cry out "Olivia!" Oh, you wouldn't be able to go anywhere under the sun without pitying me.

OLIVIA

There's a lot you would do. What rank are your parents?

VIOLA

I was born to a higher rank than I have now, but I'm still well-off. I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA

Go back to your lord. I cannot love him. Tell him not to send any more messengers—unless, perhaps, you were to return and tell me how he takes my rejection. Farewell. Thank you for your trouble. Here is something for you to spend. [Offers VIOLA money]

VIOLA

I'm no paid messenger, my lady. Keep your money. It's my master, not myself, who's going without his due reward. May the man you fall in love with have a heart of stone, and may your passion, like my master's, be scornfully rejected. Farewell, you beautiful cruelty.

OLIVIA

"What rank are your parents?" "I was born to a higher rank than I have now, but I'm still well-off. I am a gentleman." Yes, I'll swear that you are; your words, your face, your body, your actions, and your spirit all seem like a coat of arms for a lord. But not so fast! Calm down, calm down! If only Orsino were Cesario. But what's going on? Can someone catch the plague of love this quickly? I think I can feel this youth's perfection creeping stealthily and invisibly in through my eyes. Well, let it happen. [Calling out to MALVOLIO] Come, Malvolio!

MALVOLIO

Here, madam, at your service.

OLIVIA

Run after that irritating messenger who just left, the duke's man. He left this ring behind, whether I wanted it or not. Tell him I want nothing to do with it. [OLIVIA hands him a ring] Tell him not to encourage Orsino, or get his hopes up. I am not for him. And tell that youth that if he'll come by tomorrow, I'll give him reasons why. Now hurry up, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO

Madam, I will.

OLIVIA

I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm afraid that I'm falling in love based entirely on good looks—using my eyes instead of using my head. Fate, do what you will. We can't control our destinies. What must be will be, so let it happen.