Twelfth Night Translation Act 4, Scene 2
Enter MARIA and FOOL
MARIA
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard. Make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
MARIA
No, I'm telling you, put on this robe and beard. Make him believe that you're Sir Topas the priest. Do it quickly. I'll call Sir Toby while you're getting dressed.
Exit
FOOL
Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in ’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled insuch a gown.
FOOL
Well, I'll put it on, and I'll disguise myself in it. If only I was the first person to play the hypocrite while wearing a priest's robe.
FOOL puts on gown and beard
I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be saidan honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
I'm not tall enough to look like a real priest, nor skinny enough to look like a good student, but if you're known as an honest man and a good neighbor, then that's just as good as being dutiful and intelligent. Now here come my associates.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Jove bless thee, master Parson.
SIR TOBY BELCH
God bless you, Mr Priest.
FOOL
Bonos dies, Sir Toby. For, as the old hermit of Prague,that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is.” So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson. For, what is “that” but“that,” and “is” but “is”?
FOOL
Bonos dies, Sir Toby. As the old hermit of Prague, who never learned to read or write, said very wittily to a niece of King Gorboduc, "That which is, is." So if I'm Mr. Priest, then I'm Mr. Priest. For doesn't "that" just mean "that," and isn't "is" just "is?"
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him, Sir Topas.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go to him, Sir Topas.
FOOL
( disguising his voice ) What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
FOOL
[Disguising his voice] What's going on, I say! Quiet in this prison!
SIR TOBY BELCH
The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
The fool is good at acting. A good fool.
MALVOLIO
( from within ) Who calls there?
MALVOLIO
[From offstage] Who's that calling?
FOOL
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
FOOL
Sir Topas the priest, who is here to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady—
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, please go to my lady—
FOOL
Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
FOOL
Out, you enormous devil! See how you're hurting this man! Can't you talk about anything but ladies?
SIR TOBY BELCH
( aside ) Well said, Master Parson.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[To himself] Well said, Mr. Priest.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas,do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, no man has ever been as badly treated as I have been. Good Sir Topas, don't believe that I'm mad. They've left me here in this horrible darkness.
FOOL
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that house is dark?
FOOL
Shame on you, dishonorable Satan! I address you with moderate language, for I'm one of those courteous people who will be polite even to the devil himself. Did you say that this house is dark?
MALVOLIO
As hell, Sir Topas.
MALVOLIO
Dark as hell, Sir Topas.
FOOL
Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony. And yet complainest thou of obstruction?
FOOL
Why, it has bay windows as transparent as walls, and the upper windows facing toward the south-north are as clear as ebony. And you're complaining about darkness and a bad view?
MALVOLIO
I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.
MALVOLIO
I'm not crazy, Sir Topas. I tell you that this house is dark.
FOOL
Madman, thou errest. I say, there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
FOOL
You madman, you're wrong. I say that there's no darkness but ignorance, and you're more ignorant than the Egyptians during Moses' plague of fog.
MALVOLIO
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.
MALVOLIO
And I say that this house is as dark as ignorance, and ignorance is as dark as hell. And I say that no man has ever been abused like I've been. I'm no more crazy than you are. Ask me any question and I'll prove my sanity.
FOOL
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?
FOOL
What did the philosopher Pythagoras believe about wild birds?
MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
MALVOLIO
That our grandmother's soul could end up inhabiting a bird.
FOOL
What thinkest thou of his opinion?
FOOL
What do you think of his belief?
MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
MALVOLIO
I think that the soul is very noble, and I disagree with his belief.
FOOL
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow ofthy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
FOOL
Farewell then. Remain in the darkness. I won't declare you sane until you agree with Pythagoras, and fear to kill a pigeon because it might have the soul of your grandmother. Farewell.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY BELCH
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Perfect, Sir Topas!
FOOL
Nay, I am for all waters.
FOOL
Yes, I can play many parts.
MARIA
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown.He sees thee not.
MARIA
You might have done this without the robe and beard. He never saw you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go talk to him with your own voice, and tell me how he's feeling. I want this foolishness to be over soon. If we can conveniently let him go, I want to do it, for I'm now in so much trouble with my niece that I can't safely pursue this prank to its conclusion. Come to my room in a while.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
FOOL
[sings in his own voice] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.
FOOL
[Singing in his own voice]
Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how your lady is.
MALVOLIO
Fool!
MALVOLIO
Fool!
FOOL
(sings) My lady is unkind, perdy.
FOOL
[Singing] My lady is unkind indeed.
MALVOLIO
Fool!
MALVOLIO
Fool!
FOOL
(sings) Alas, why is she so?
FOOL
[Singing] Alas, why is she like this?
MALVOLIO
Fool, I say!
MALVOLIO
Fool, I say!
FOOL
(sings) She loves another—Who calls, ha?
FOOL
[Singing] She loves another man—Who's that shouting?
MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for ’t.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, I'll certainly reward you if you'll help me get a candle, a pen, ink, and paper. I swear on my word as a gentleman that I'll always be grateful to you for it.
FOOL
Master Malvolio?
FOOL
Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Ay, good fool.
MALVOLIO
Yes, good fool.
FOOL
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
FOOL
Alas, sir, how did you lose your sanity?
MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, Fool, as thou art.
MALVOLIO
Fool, no one has ever been abused like I've been. I'm just as sane as you are, Fool.
FOOL
But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
FOOL
Just as sane as me? You must be crazy then, if you're no saner than a fool.
MALVOLIO
They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, sendministers to me —asses!—and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
MALVOLIO
They've treated me like their property here, kept me in the darkness, sent their minions after me—those asses!—and done all they could to drive me insane by pretending I was insane.
FOOL
Advise you what you say. The minister is here. [in the voice of Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.
FOOL
Be careful what you say. The priest is here. [In the voice of Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, may God restore your sanity! Try to sleep, and stop your silly babbling.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas!
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas!
FOOL
[as Sir Topas] Maintain no words with him, good fellow. [in his own voice] Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God b' wi' you, good Sir Topas. [as Sir Topas] Marry, amen. [in hisown voice] I will, sir, I will.
FOOL
[As Sir Topas] Don't try to talk to him, good fellow. [In his own voice] Who, me, sir? Not me, sir. God be with you, goodbye Sir Topas. [As Sir Topas] Amen. [In his own voice] Yes, sir, yes.
MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
FOOL
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent forspeaking to you.
FOOL
Alas, sir, be patient. What do you have to say, sir? I've just been scolded for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tellthee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, please help me find a candle and some paper. I tell you, I'm as sane as any man in Illyria.
FOOL
Well-a-day that you were, sir.
FOOL
If only you were, sir.
MALVOLIO
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
MALVOLIO
I swear by my own hand, I am. Good fool, bring me some ink, paper, and light, and then deliver the letter I'll write to my lady. You'll be better rewarded for delivering this letter than you've ever been rewarded before.
FOOL
I will help you to ’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? Or do you but counterfeit?
FOOL
I'll help you. But tell me the truth, are you really not crazy? Or are you just acting?
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I'm not crazy. I'm telling you the truth.
FOOL
Nay, I’ll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains.I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
FOOL
No, I'll never believe a madman until he's dead and I can see his brains. But I'll bring you a candle, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee,be gone.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I'll repay you for this many times over. Now please, go.
FOOL
[sings] I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain, Who, with dagger of lath In his rage and his wrath, Cries “Aha,” to the devil, Like a mad lad, “Pare thy nails, dad, Adieu, goodman devil.”
FOOL
[Singing]
I am going, sir,
But soon, sir,
I'll be with you again,
In just a moment,
Like the old Vice,
Who helps you in your time of need,
With a wooden dagger,
And his rage and wrath,
Who shouts "Aha" to the devil,
Like a mad boy,
Yelling "Trim your nails, dad,
And farewell, you peasant devil."
Exit