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Twelfth Night

Twelfth Night Translation Act 5, Scene 1

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Enter FOOL and FABIAN

FABIAN

Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

FABIAN

Now, if you're really my friend, let me see his letter.

FOOL

Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FOOL

Good Master Fabian, do me a favor first.

FABIAN

Anything.

FABIAN

Anything.

FOOL

Do not desire to see this letter.

FOOL

Don't ask to see this letter.

FABIAN

This is, to give a dog and in recompense desire my dogagain.

FABIAN

That request is like giving me a dog, and as payment asking for the dog back.

Enter ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and lords

ORSINO

Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

ORSINO

Are you in the service of the Lady Olivia, friends?

FOOL

Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.

FOOL

Yes, sir, we are part of her entourage.

ORSINO

I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?

ORSINO

I know you well. How are you, my good fellow?

FOOL

Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.

FOOL

Truly, sir, I'm better because of my enemies, and worse because of my friends.

ORSINO

Just the contrary. The better for thy friends.

ORSINO

Don't you mean the opposite? You're better because of your friends.

FOOL

No, sir, the worse.

FOOL

No, sir, I'm worse.

ORSINO

How can that be?

ORSINO

How can that be?

FOOL

Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me, now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass. So that by my foes,sir I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends, I am abused. So that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.

FOOL

Well, sir, my friends praise me and in so doing make a fool of me, while my enemies tell me plainly that I am a fool. Therefore my enemies help me gain knowledge of myself, while my friends deceive me. The same rule applies to both conclusions and kisses—since four negatives make two affirmatives, I'm worse because of my friends and better because of my enemies.

ORSINO

Why, this is excellent.

ORSINO

Why, this is excellent wordplay.

FOOL

By my troth, sir, no—though it please you to be one of my friends.

FOOL

Truly sir, don't say so—unless you want to be one of my friends.

ORSINO

[giving a coin] Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there’s gold.

ORSINO

[Giving him a coin] You won't be worse off because of me: here's some gold.

FOOL

But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.

FOOL

I wish you'd deal me another coin, sir, but then it would be double-dealing, and therefore dishonorable.

ORSINO

O, you give me ill counsel.

ORSINO

Oh, you're giving me bad advice.

FOOL

Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.

FOOL

Put your virtue away just this once, sir, and let your human weakness take my advice.

ORSINO

Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a double-dealer.There’s another. ( giving a coin )

ORSINO

Well I'll be a sinner then, and a double-dealer. Here's another. [Giving him another coin]

FOOL

Primo, secundo, tertio is a good play, and the old saying is, the third pays for all. The triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure, or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind—one, two, three.

FOOL

Three rolls of the dice is lucky, sir, and the old saying goes "the third time's the charm." Triple-time is a good beat for dancing, and the bells of Saint Bennet's church chime—one, two, three.

ORSINO

You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her,and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.

ORSINO

You won't win any more money from me with this third roll of the dice. But if you'll tell your lady that I'm here to speak with her, and bring her along with you when you return, then you might wake up my generosity.

FOOL

Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness. But, as yousay, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.

FOOL

Well then, sir, I'll sing a lullaby to your generosity while I'm gone, so it can nap until I return. I'll go now, sir, but don't think that I'm doing this just because I'm greedy—I'm more interested in the art of begging than the actual money. But as you say, sir, let your generosity sleep, and I'll wake it up soon.

Exit

VIOLA

Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

VIOLA

Here comes the man who rescued me, sir.

Enter ANTONIO and OFFICERS

ORSINO

That face of his I do remember well. Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmeared As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war. A baubling vessel was he captain of, For shallow draught and bulk unprizable, With which such scathful grapple did he make With the most noble bottom of our fleet, That very envy and the tongue of loss Cried fame and honor on him. —What’s the matter?

ORSINO

I remember that face well, though the last time I saw it it was blackened by the smoke of war. He was the captain of a small, flimsy ship, worthless because of its size—but with that pitiful boat he fought such a damaging battle against my fleet's most noble warship that we had to admire him even in our bitter defeat.

[To the officer] What's going on here?

FIRST OFFICER

Orsino, this is that Antonio That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy, And this is he that did the Tiger board When your young nephew Titus lost his leg. Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state, In private brabble did we apprehend him.

FIRST OFFICER

Orsino, this is the same Antonio who took our ship the Phoenix and its cargo from Crete, and who boarded the Tiger in the battle where your young nephew Titus lost his leg. We arrested him here in the streets, where he was recklessly brawling as if he didn't care that we were looking for him.

VIOLA

He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side, But in conclusion put strange speech upon me. I know not what ’twas but distraction.

VIOLA

He was kind to me, sir, and drew his sword to defend me, but then he said some strange things to me. I don't know what he meant, except that he might be insane.

ORSINO

Notable pirate! Thou saltwater thief, What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies, Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear, Hast made thine enemies?

ORSINO

You famous pirate! You thief of the seas, what foolish boldness inspired you to visit the enemies you once robbed and murdered?

ANTONIO

Orsino, noble sir, Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me. Antonio never yet was thief or pirate, Though, I confess, on base and ground enough, Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither. That most ingrateful boy there by your side From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth Did I redeem. A wreck past hope he was. His life I gave him and did thereto add My love, without retention or restraint, All his in dedication. For his sake Did I expose myself, pure for his love, Into the danger of this adverse town, Drew to defend him when he was beset, Where being apprehended, his false cunning, (Not meaning to partake with me in danger) Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance, And grew a twenty-years-removed thing While one would wink, denied me mine own purse, Which I had recommended to his use Not half an hour before.

ANTONIO

Orsino, noble sir, I must deny those names you give me. I have never been a thief or a pirate, though I admit to being your enemy for good and solid reasons. I am here because I've been bewitched. I rescued that ungrateful boy—the one there by your side—from the rude sea's angry waves. He was a wreck, and seemed past hope. I saved his life and gave him my love, without reservation or restraint, and dedicated myself to him totally. For his sake I endangered myself in this town, and purely out of love for him I drew my sword to defend him when he was being attacked. But when I was arrested, he decided not to endanger himself, and he used his treacherous cunning to pretend that he'd never met me before. In the blink of an eye he became a totally different person, and he refused to give me back my own purse, which I had lent to him just half an hour before.

VIOLA

How can this be?

VIOLA

How is this possible?

ORSINO

[To ANTONIO] When came he to this town?

ORSINO

[To ANTONIO] When did he come to this town?

ANTONIO

Today, my lord, and for three months before, No interim, not a minute’s vacancy,Both day and night did we keep company.

ANTONIO

Today, my lord. For three months before that we spent every day and night together without a break.

Enter OLIVIA and attendants

ORSINO

Here comes the Countess. Now heaven walks on earth. But for thee, fellow. Fellow, thy words are madness: Three months this youth hath tended upon me; But more of that anon. [To an officer] Take him aside.

ORSINO

Look, an angel is walking on earth—here comes the Countess. But as for you, fellow, your words are madness: this youth has worked for me for three months. But more of that later.

[To an officer]
 Take him away.

OLIVIA

What would my lord, but that he may not have, Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable? Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

OLIVIA

What do you want, my lord—except for the one thing you cannot have—that I can help you with? Cesario, you broke your promise to me.

VIOLA

Madam?

VIOLA

Madam?

ORSINO

Gracious Olivia—

ORSINO

Gracious Olivia—

OLIVIA

What do you say, Cesario?—Good my lord—

OLIVIA

What do you have to say for yourself, Cesario?—My lord, a moment—

VIOLA

My lord would speak. My duty hushes me.

VIOLA

My lord wants to speak. It's my duty to be silent.

OLIVIA

If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear As howling after music.

OLIVIA

If you're just going to repeat the same old things, my lord, then it will be as pleasant to my ears as hearing howling after listening to beautiful music.

ORSINO

Still so cruel?

ORSINO

Are you still so cruel?

OLIVIA

Still so constant, lord.

OLIVIA

I am still consistent, my lord.

ORSINO

What, to perverseness? You, uncivil lady, To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars My soul the faithfull’st off'rings have breathed out That e'er devotion tendered —what shall I do?

ORSINO

Consistent in what, being horrible? I have breathed from my soul the most faithful, devoted offerings possible, but they've only fallen upon your ungrateful and unwelcoming altar, you rude lady. What else can I do?

OLIVIA

Even what it please my lord that shall become him.

OLIVIA

Do whatever pleases you, within reason.

ORSINO

Why should I not, had I the heart to do it, Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death, Kill what I love? —A savage jealousy That sometimes savors nobly. But hear me this: Since you to nonregardance cast my faith, And that I partly know the instrument That screws me from my true place in your favor, Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still. But this your minion, whom I know you love, And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly, Him will I tear out of that cruel eye Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite. [To VIOLA] Come, boy, with me. My thoughts are ripe inmischief: I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.

ORSINO

Why shouldn't I—if I had the heart to do it—kill what I love, like that Egyptian thief Thyamis who murdered the woman he loved just before he died? That kind of savage jealousy sometimes seems noble. But listen to me now: since you keep denying my faithful love, and since I can guess who has forced me from my rightful place in your heart, you can go on being a cold-hearted tyrant as long as you like—but I'm going to take your darling Cesario from you. I know that you love him, and I swear that I care deeply for him as well, but I must tear him away from you because his place in your heart humiliates me. 

[To VIOLA] Come, boy, come with me. My thoughts grow dark and mischievous. I'll sacrifice this boy I care for just to spite the fair lady with the black heart.

VIOLA

And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly,To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.

VIOLA

And I would cheerfully, readily, and willingly die a thousand deaths if it would bring you peace.

OLIVIA

Where goes Cesario?

OLIVIA

Where is Cesario going?

VIOLA

After him I love More than I love these eyes, more than my life, More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife. If I do feign, you witnesses above, Punish my life for tainting of my love!

VIOLA

I'm following the man I love more than I love my eyes or my life, more, far more, than I'll ever love a wife. If I'm lying about this, you angels above, put me to death for dishonoring my love.

OLIVIA

Ay me, detested! How am I beguiled!

OLIVIA

Oh no, you scorn me! I've been tricked!

VIOLA

Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?

VIOLA

Who tricked you? Who has done you wrong?

OLIVIA

Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?—Call forth the holy father.

OLIVIA

Have you forgotten your own actions? Has it been so long?—Call the priest who was with us earlier.

Exit an attendant

ORSINO

[To VIOLA] Come, away!

ORSINO

[To VIOLA] Come, let's go!

OLIVIA

Whither, my lord?—Cesario, husband, stay.

OLIVIA

Where are you taking him, my lord?—Cesario, my husband, stay.

ORSINO

Husband?

ORSINO

Husband?

OLIVIA

Ay, husband. Can he that deny?

OLIVIA

Yes, husband. Can he deny it?

ORSINO

Her husband, sirrah?

ORSINO

Are you her husband, you wretch?

VIOLA

No, my lord, not I.

VIOLA

No, my lord, I'm not.

OLIVIA

Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear That makes thee strangle thy propriety. Fear not, Cesario. Take thy fortunes up. Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art As great as that thou fear’st.

OLIVIA

Alas, your fear is so great that it makes you disguise your true identity. But don't be afraid, Cesario. Reach out and accept your good fortune. Be the person you know you are, and then you will be as powerful as the person you fear.

Enter PRIEST

O, welcome, father! Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence, Here to unfold (though lately we intended To keep in darkness what occasion now Reveals before ’tis ripe) what thou dost know Hath newly passed between this youth and me.

Oh, welcome, father! Father, can I respectfully ask you to explain (though we recently wanted to hide it, the time is now ripe to reveal it) what you know has happened between this youth and me?

PRIEST

A contract of eternal bond of love, Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands, Attested by the holy close of lips, Strengthened by interchangement of your rings, And all the ceremony of this compact Sealed in my function, by my testimony, Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave I have traveled but two hours.

PRIEST

You made an oath of eternal love, which was confirmed by joining hands, proved by a holy kiss, and strengthened by an exchange of rings. I witnessed and approved all this in my official capacity as a priest. All this took place only two hours ago.

ORSINO

O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case? Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow? Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.

ORSINO

[To VIOLA] Oh, you lying little puppy! How much worse will you be when you're old and gray? Or will you get so good at being crafty that your own tricks will trick you? Farewell, and take her; but go somewhere where you and I will never meet again.

VIOLA

My lord, I do protest—

VIOLA

My lord, I promise—

OLIVIA

O, do not swear!Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.

OLIVIA

Oh, don't promise! Keep a little faith—your faith in me—even though you're so afraid.

Enter SIR ANDREW

SIR ANDREW

For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to SirToby.

SIR ANDREW

For the love of God, someone get a doctor! Send one to Sir Toby right away.

OLIVIA

What’s the matter?

OLIVIA

What's the matter?

SIR ANDREW

He has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.

SIR ANDREW

He's cut my head open and given Sir Toby a bloody head too. For the love of God, help! I'd pay forty pounds to be at home right now.

OLIVIA

Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

OLIVIA

Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW

The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We took him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate.

SIR ANDREW

That Cesario, the Duke's gentleman. We thought he was a coward, but he actually fights like the devil himself.

ORSINO

My gentleman, Cesario?

ORSINO

My servant Cesario?

SIR ANDREW

'Od’s lifelings, here he is!—You broke my head for nothing, and that that I did, I was set on to do ’t by Sir Toby.

SIR ANDREW

By God, here he is!—You broke my head for no reason. I didn't do anything, and whatever I did, Sir Toby made me do.

VIOLA

Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you. You drew your sword upon me without cause, But I bespoke you fair and hurt you not.

VIOLA

Why are you saying this to me? I never hurt you. You drew your sword against me without a good reason, but I spoke politely to you and didn't hurt you.

SIR ANDREW

If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me. I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.

SIR ANDREW

If a bloody head is an injury, then you've hurt me. I don't think you care at all about a bloody head.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FOOL

Here comes Sir Toby halting. You shall hear more. But if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you othergates than he did.

Here comes Sir Toby, limping. He'll tell you more about what happened. If he hadn't been drunk, he would have hurt you more than he did.

ORSINO

How now, gentleman? How is ’t with you?

ORSINO

Hello, gentleman! How are you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

That’s all one: has hurt me, and there’s the end on ’t. [To FOOL] Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?

SIR TOBY BELCH

It doesn't matter: he has hurt me, and that's all there is to it.

[To the FOOL]
 You drunken fool, have you seen Dick the surgeon?

FOOL

Oh, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone. His eyes were set at eight i' the morning.

FOOL

Oh, he's drunk, Sir Toby, since an hour ago. He was cross eyed at eight in the morning.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Then he’s a rogue, and a passy-measures pavin. I hate adrunken rogue.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Then he's a rogue, and I hate a drunken rogue. He spins and sways like he's doing a slow dance.

OLIVIA

Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?

OLIVIA

Take him away! Who has caused all this trouble?

SIR ANDREW

I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together.

SIR ANDREW

I'll help you, Sir Toby. They'll bandage us up together.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Will you help?—An ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave,a thin-faced knave, a gull!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Will you help me—an ass, and a fool, and a bastard, a gullible skinny bastard?

OLIVIA

Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.

OLIVIA

Get him to bed, and make sure his wounds are tended to.

Exeunt FOOL, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW

Enter SEBASTIAN

SEBASTIAN

I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman, But, had it been the brother of my blood, I must have done no less with wit and safety. You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that I do perceive it hath offended you. Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows We made each other but so late ago.

SEBASTIAN

I am sorry, madam. I've hurt your relative, but I would've had to do the same thing even to my own brother, for I was acting in self-defense. You're looking at me like I'm a stranger, so I can tell that I've offended you. Forgive me, sweet one, for the sake of the vows we made to each other so recently.

ORSINO

One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons!A natural perspective, that is and is not!

ORSINO

One face, one voice, one manner of dressing, but two people! An optical illusion—it both is and is not!

SEBASTIAN

Antonio, O my dear Antonio!How have the hours racked and tortured meSince I have lost thee!

SEBASTIAN

Antonio, oh my dear Antonio! How time has tortured me ever since I lost you!

ANTONIO

Sebastian are you?

ANTONIO

Are you Sebastian, then?

SEBASTIAN

Fear’st thou that, Antonio?

SEBASTIAN

Do you doubt that, Antonio?

ANTONIO

How have you made division of yourself? An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

ANTONIO

How have you divided yourself in two? These two people are as identical as two halves of an apple. Which is Sebastian?

OLIVIA

Most wonderful!

OLIVIA

It's unbelievable!

SEBASTIAN

[looking at VIOLA] Do I stand there? I never had a brother; Nor can there be that deity in my nature, Of here and everywhere. I had a sister, Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured. Of charity, what kin are you to me? What countryman? What name? What parentage?

SEBASTIAN

[Looking at VIOLA] Is that me standing there? I never had a brother, and I'm not a god who can be everywhere at once. I had a sister, but she was drowned by the cruel ocean. Please tell me, are you related to me? What country are you from? What is your name? Who are your parents?

VIOLA

Of Messaline. Sebastian was my father; Such a Sebastian was my brother too, So went he suited to his watery tomb . If spirits can assume both form and suit You come to fright us.

VIOLA

I am from Messaline. Sebastian was my father, and my brother was also named Sebastian. He was dressed just like you when he drowned. If ghosts can take on human forms and clothes, then you must be here to frighten us.

SEBASTIAN

A spirit I am indeed, But am in that dimension grossly clad Which from the womb I did participate. Were you a woman, as the rest goes even, I should my tears let fall upon your cheekAnd say “Thrice-welcome, drownèd Viola!”

SEBASTIAN

I am a spirit indeed, as I have a soul. But my spirit wears the same earthly form that I've had since I was born. If you were only a woman—since everything else about you fits—I would cry and hug you, and say "Welcome, welcome drowned Viola!"

VIOLA

My father had a mole upon his brow.

VIOLA

My father had a mole on his forehead.

SEBASTIAN

And so had mine.

SEBASTIAN

Mine did too.

VIOLA

And died that day when Viola from her birthHad numbered thirteen years.

VIOLA

And he died on the day that Viola turned thirteen.

SEBASTIAN

Oh, that record is lively in my soul! He finished indeed his mortal actThat day that made my sister thirteen years.

SEBASTIAN

Oh, that memory is still so vivid to me! He did indeed die on the day my sister turned thirteen.

VIOLA

If nothing lets to make us happy both But this my masculine usurped attire, Do not embrace me till each circumstance Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump That I am Viola. Which to confirm, I’ll bring you to a captain in this town, Where lie my maiden weeds, by whose gentle help I was preserved to serve this noble count. All the occurrence of my fortune since Hath been between this lady and this lord.

VIOLA

If the only thing keeping us from being happy is my deceptive masculine clothes, then don't hug me until every circumstance of place, time, and luck fit together and prove that I am Viola. To confirm this, I'll take you to a captain in this town who has been keeping my woman's clothing, and who saved my life so that I might serve this noble Duke. Everything that's happened to me since then has involved this lady and this lord.

SEBASTIAN

[To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook. But nature to her bias drew in that. You would have been contracted to a maid; Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived. You are betrothed both to a maid and man.

SEBASTIAN

[To OLIVIA] So you've been mistaken, my lady. But nature has fixed everything and drawn you to your natural orientation. Your love for Cesario was really an inclination for someone like me. You wanted to be married to a maiden, but you weren't actually deceived about that, given that you believed you were married to my sister.

ORSINO

[To OLIVIA] Be not amazed. Right noble is his blood. If this be so, as yet the glass seems true, I shall have share in this most happy wreck. [To VIOLA] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

ORSINO

[To OLIVIA] Don't be shocked. His blood is pure and noble. If all this is true, as the two really seem to be brother and sister, then I too will share in the spoils of this lucky shipwreck.

[To VIOLA]
 Boy, you've said to me a thousand times that you'd never love a woman like you love me.

VIOLA

And all those sayings will I overswear; And those swearings keep as true in soul As doth that orbèd continent the fire That severs day from night.

VIOLA

Everything I said before I'll promise once again, and I'll keep my promises in my soul like fire is kept in the sun.

ORSINO

Give me thy hand,And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.

ORSINO

Give me your hand, and let me see you in your woman's clothes.

VIOLA

The captain that did bring me first on shore Hath my maid’s garments. He, upon some action, Is now in durance at Malvolio’s suit, A gentleman and follower of my lady’s.

VIOLA

The captain who first brought me to shore has my woman's clothing. He has some legal charge against him, and is in prison because he's been sued by Malvolio—a gentleman and a servant of my lady's.

OLIVIA

He shall enlarge him.

OLIVIA

He'll release him.

Enter FOOL with a letter, and FABIAN

Fetch Malvolio hither: And yet, alas, now I remember me, They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract. A most extracting frenzy of mine own From my remembrance clearly banished his. (to FOOL) How does he, sirrah?

Bring Malvolio here—but no, now I remember, they say that the poor gentleman is mentally confused. My own distracting madness made me forget all about him.

[To the FOOL]
 How is he, fool?

FOOL

Truly, madam, he holds Beelzebub at the staves' end as well as a man in his case may do. Has here writ a letterto you. I should have given ’t you today morning, but as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.

FOOL

Truly, madam, he keeps the devil away as well as a man in his situation can. He's written a letter to you here. I should have given it to you this morning, but a madman's letters aren't gospel truth, so it doesn't matter too much when they're delivered.

OLIVIA

Open ’t, and read it.

OLIVIA

Open it, and read it.

FOOL

Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers themadman. [reads] “By the Lord, madam,”—

FOOL

Be prepared to learn a lot now, for a fool is reciting the words of a madman. [Reading] "By God, madam,"—

OLIVIA

How now? Art thou mad?

OLIVIA

What's this? Are you crazy?

FOOL

No, madam, I do but read madness. An your ladyship willhave it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.

FOOL

No, madam, but I'm reading the words of craziness. And if you want things done the right way, then let me do a dramatic reading.

OLIVIA

Prithee, read i' thy right wits.

OLIVIA

Please, read it like a sane person.

FOOL

So I do, madonna. But to read his right wits is to readthus.Therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

FOOL

I will, holy lady, but even if I read this letter sanely, I'll still sound crazy. So pay attention, my princess, and listen.

OLIVIA

[giving the letter to FABIAN] Read it you, sirrah.

OLIVIA

[Giving the letter to FABIAN] You read it, sir.

FABIAN

[reads] “By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefitof my senses as well as your Ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on, with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right or youmuch shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of and speak out of my injury. The madly used Malvolio.”

FABIAN

[Reading]
"By God, madam, you've wronged me, and the world will know about it. You've put me in a dark room and let your drunken uncle torment me, but I've still kept my sanity and am no more crazy than you are. I have your own letter, which encouraged me to act the way I did, and with this letter I will prove that I am innocent and you are guilty. Think of me however you want. I will leave my role as your steward and speak out about the injuries you've caused me. Signed, the madly-abused Malvolio."

OLIVIA

Did he write this?

OLIVIA

Did he write this?

FOOL

Ay, madam.

FOOL

Yes, madam.

ORSINO

This savors not much of distraction.

ORSINO

This doesn't sound much like madness.

OLIVIA

See him delivered, Fabian; bring him hither.

OLIVIA

Release him, Fabian, and bring him here.

Exit FABIAN

My lord so please you, these things further thought on, To think me as well a sister as a wife, One day shall crown the alliance on ’t, so please you, Here at my house and at my proper cost.

My lord, if you'll take into consideration what you've just seen and heard, I hope that you'll accept me as a sister-in-law instead of a wife. We can have the two weddings on the same day, if you want, here at my house, and I'll pay for everything.

ORSINO

Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer. (to VIOLA) Your master quits you, and for your service done him, So much against the mettle of your sex, So far beneath your soft and tender breeding, And since you called me “master” for so long, Here is my hand. You shall from this time be Your master’s mistress.

ORSINO

Madam, I'll happily accept your offer.

[To VIOLA] Your master releases you from his service. Because you served me so well, doing things that no woman, especially one of your noble birth, should be expected to do, and because you called me "master" for so long, I will offer you my hand in marriage. From now on you'll be your master's mistress.

OLIVIA

[To VIOLA] A sister! You are she.

OLIVIA

[To VIOLA] And you will be my sister!

Enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO

ORSINO

Is this the madman?

ORSINO

Is this the madman?

OLIVIA

Ay, my lord, this same.How now, Malvolio!

OLIVIA

Yes, my lord, that's him. How are you, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

Madam, you have done me wrong,Notorious wrong.

MALVOLIO

Madam, you have mistreated me. Scandalously mistreated me.

OLIVIA

Have I, Malvolio? No.

OLIVIA

Have I, Malvolio? No.

MALVOLIO

(handing a paper) Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter. You must not now deny it is your hand. Write from it if you can, in hand or phrase; Or say ’tis not your seal, not your invention: You can say none of this. Well, grant it then And tell me, in the modesty of honor, Why you have given me such clear lights of favor, Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you, To put on yellow stockings, and to frown Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people? And, acting this in an obedient hope, Why have you suffered me to be imprisoned, Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest, And made the most notorious geck and gull That e'er invention played on? Tell me why.

MALVOLIO

[Handing OLIVIA a paper] Lady, you have. Please look at that letter. You can't deny that it's in your handwriting. Try to write differently if you can, or try to say that that isn't your seal, with your design on it—you can't deny any of this. Well, admit it then and tell me, with the sincerity of an honorable person, why you gave me such clear signs of affection, telling me to come to you smiling, with crossed laces, to wear yellow stockings, and to be rude to Sir Toby and the servants? And when I obeyed all your commands, why did you then let me be imprisoned in a dark house, be visited by a priest—and make me into the biggest fool and sucker that ever had a joke played on him? Tell me why.

OLIVIA

Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing, Though, I confess, much like the character. But out of question, ’tis Maria’s hand. And now I do bethink me, it was she First told me thou wast mad, then camest in smiling, And in such forms which here were presupposed Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content. This practice hath most shrewdly passed upon thee; But when we know the grounds and authors of it, Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge Of thine own cause.

OLIVIA

Alas, Malvolio, this is not my handwriting. Though, I admit, the letters look very similar. But it's definitely Maria's handwriting. And now that I think about it, she was the one who first told me you were crazy, and then you came in smiling and acting in the way the letter instructed you to act. Please, don't be so upset. You've been fooled by a cruel practical joke, but when we find out who's responsible for this, you will be the judge and jury who sentences the culprits to a punishment for their crime.

FABIAN

Good madam, hear me speak, And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come Taint the condition of this present hour, Which I have wonder’d at. In hope it shall not, Most freely I confess, myself and Toby Set this device against Malvolio here, Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts We had conceived against him. Maria writ The letter at Sir Toby’s great importance, In recompense whereof he hath married her. How with a sportful malice it was followed, May rather pluck on laughter than revenge, If that the injuries be justly weighed That have on both sides passed.

FABIAN

Good madam, let me speak, and don't let any quarreling cast a shadow over the surprised joy of these happy couples, which I have been amazed by. To avoid any fighting, I'll confess that Toby and I were the ones who tricked Malvolio here, because of the arrogant and rude behavior we had observed in him. Maria only wrote the letter at Sir Toby's urgent request, and he has rewarded her for it by marrying her. The whole practical joke should inspire laughter instead of revenge, especially if we consider that both sides injured each other equally.

OLIVIA

[To MALVOLIO] Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

OLIVIA

[To MALVOLIO] Alas, you poor fool, how they've humiliated you!

FOOL

Why, “some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.” I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir Topas, sir, but that’s all one. [imitates MALVOLIO] “By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.” —But do you remember? “Madam, why laugh you at sucha barren rascal; an you smile not, he’s gagged?” and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

FOOL

Well, "some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." I was a member of this farce as well, pretending to be a priest named Sir Topas, but what does that matter? [Imitating MALVOLIO] "By God, fool, I am not mad."—But do you remember what else he said? "Madam, why do you laugh at such an empty-headed villain? If you don't laugh at him, he can't think of anything to say." And so—what goes around comes around.

MALVOLIO

I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you.

MALVOLIO

I'll get my revenge on the whole pack of you.

Exit

OLIVIA

He hath been most notoriously abused.

OLIVIA

He really has been badly treated.

ORSINO

Pursue him and entreat him to a peace.

ORSINO

Follow him and try to calm him down some.

Some exit

He hath not told us of the captain yet. When that is known and golden time convents, A solemn combination shall be made Of our dear souls.— Meantime, sweet sister, We will not part from hence. Cesario, come, For so you shall be, while you are a man. But when in other habits you are seen, Orsino’s mistress and his fancy’s queen.

He hasn't told us about that captain yet. When that's taken care of and the time is convenient, we will be married. Until then, sweet sister-in-law, we won't leave this place. Cesario, come here. You'll be Cesario to me while you're still a man, but when I see you in women's clothes, then you'll be Orsino's mistress, and his love's queen.

Exeunt all, except FOOL

FOOL

[sings] When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish thing was but a toy, For the rain it raineth every day. But when I came to man’s estate, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, 'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate, For the rain it raineth every day. But when I came, alas! to wive, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, By swaggering could I never thrive, For the rain it raineth every day. But when I came unto my beds, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, With toss-pots still had drunken heads, For the rain it raineth every day. A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, But that’s all one, our play is done, And we’ll strive to please you every day.

FOOL

[Singing]
When I was just a tiny little boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
Mischief didn't matter much,
For the rain it rains every day.
But when I became a man,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
We shut our gates to villains and thieves,
For the rain it rains every day.
But when—alas!—I got married,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
Bragging and bullying did me no good,
For the rain it rains every day.
But when I had to go to bed,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
With the drunkards and the fools,
For the rain it rains every day.
The world began a long time ago,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
But that doesn't matter, our play is done,
And we'll try to please you every day.

Exit

Twelfth night
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Matt cosby
About the Translator: Matt Cosby
Matt Cosby graduated from Amherst College in 2011, and currently works as a writer and editor for LitCharts. He is from Florida but now lives in Portland, Oregon, where he also makes art, plays the piano, and goes to dog parks.