A Chaste Maid in Cheapside

YELLOWHAMMER
O turn, sir, turn.
A poor plain boy, an university man,
Proceeds next Lent to a Bachelor of Art;
He will be called Sir Yellowhammer then
Over all Cambridge, and that’s half a knight.

The founder’s come to town; I am like a man
Finding a table furnished to his hand,
As mine is still to me, prays for the founder;
Bless the right worshipful, the good founder’s life.
I thank him, h’as maintained my house this ten years,
Not only keeps my wife, but a keeps me,
And all my family; I am at his table,
He gets me all my children, and pays the nurse,
Monthly, or weekly, puts me to nothing,
Rent, nor church duties, not so much as the scavenger:
The happiest state that ever man was born to.

ALLWIT
I’ll go bid gossips presently myself,
That’s all the work I’ll do, nor need I stir,
But that it is my pleasure to walk forth
And air myself a little; I am tied to nothing
In this business, what I do is merely recreation,
Not constraint.
Here’s running to and fro, nurse upon nurse,
Three charwomen, besides maids and neighbours’ children.
Fie, what a trouble I have rid my hands on;
It makes me sweat to think on’t.

ALLWIT

This Lent will fat the whoresons up with sweetbreads
And lard their whores with lamb-stones; what their golls
Can clutch goes presently to their Molls and Dolls.
The bawds will be so fat with what they earn
Their chins will hang like udders by Easter eve,

1 PURITAN
I’ll answer for them;
They wish all health and strength,
And that you may courageously go forward,
To perform the like and many such,
Like a true sister with motherly bearing.

ALLWIT
Now the cups troll about to wet the gossips’ whistles;
It pours down, i’faith: they never think of payment.

1 PURITAN
Fill again, Nurse.

YELLOWHAMMER
Well, grant all this, say now his deeds are black,
Pray, what serves marriage, but to call him back;
I have kept a whore myself, and had a bastard,
By Mistress Anne, in Anno—
I care not who knows it; he’s now a jolly fellow,
H’as been twice warden, so may his fruit be,
They were but base begot, and so was he;
The knight is rich, he shall be my son-in-law
No matter so the whore he keeps be wholesome,
My daughter takes no hurt then; so let them wed,
I’ll have him sweat well e’er they go to bed.

TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Sir, you’ll gain the heart in my breast at first?

SIR WALTER
There is no dealing then, think on the dowry for two thousand pounds.

TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O, now ‘tis quit, sir.

[Wounds Sir Walter.]

SIR WALTER
Being of even hand, I’ll play no longer.

TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
No longer, slave?

SIR WALTER
I have certain things to think on,
Before I dare go further.

TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
But one bout?
I’ll follow thee to death, but ha’t out.

ALLWIT
Hyday, my wife’s laid down too, here’s like to be
A good house kept, when we are altogether down;
Take pains with her good Davy, cheer her up there,
Let me come to his worship, let me come.

SIR WALTER
Touch me not villain, my wound aches at thee,
Thou poison to my heart.

ALLWIT
He raves already,
His senses are quite gone, he knows me not;
Look up, an’t like your worship, heave those eyes,
Call me to mind, is your remembrance left?
Look in my face, who am I an’t like your worship?

SIR WALTER
If any thing be worse than slave or villain,
Thou art the man.

ALLWIT
We are richly furnished wife, with household stuff.

MISTRESS ALLWIT
Let’s let out lodgings then,
And take a house in the Strand.

YELLOWHAMMER
‘Las my poor girl,
The doctor’s making a most sovereign drink for thee,
The worst ingredients, dissolved pearl and amber;

We spare no cost, girl.

MOLL
Your love comes too late,
Yet timely thanks reward it. What is comfort,
When the poor patient’s heart is past relief?
It is no doctor’s art can cure my grief.