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Chapter 4: Early Adulthood, 2001–2011
Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Gender Inequality
The Diminishment of Women
Individuality and Personal Fulfillment
Female Solidarity
Summary
Analysis
Jiyoung’s parents and her fiancé Jung Daehyun’s parents meet for the first time at a Korean restaurant in Gangnam. Jiyoung’s mother jokes about how little her daughter knows how to “keep[] a home,” and both mothers talk about how their daughters spent their time studying and working. Still, Daehyun’s mother assures, Jiyoung will get the hang of things in the end. Inwardly, Jiyoung thinks that won’t be the case—Daehyun knows more about housework that she does, after all—he’s lived alone for years.
Jiyoung’s mother has demonstrated on several occasions her determination to support her daughters against society’s sexism and misogyny, yet she still upholds some of the same sexist beliefs that have made her own life so exhausting and thankless. There’s no reason Jiyoung should be the person in her marriage expected to “keep[] a home”—indeed, as Jiyoung points out, it’s more logical that Daehyun, who has experience living on his own, would be better equipped to keep house. Nevertheless, social norms dictate that regardless of experience, Jiyoung’s gender makes her better equipped to perform such work.
Themes
Daehyun and Jiyoung combine their savings to put a deposit down on a small apartment. Jiyoung didn’t have to pay rent or utilities because she had lived at home, but Daehyun, who works for a much bigger company, managed to save much more. She’s “a little demoralized” to realize the gap between their savings. Still, married life is pretty good. They both work long hours, but they go to see late-night movies together, and on weekends they sleep in and watch movies in bed while eating toast that Daehyun makes.
The implication here is that the gender pay gap has factored into Jiyoung’s inability to save as much as Daehyun. This section shows how systemic inequality (the gender pay gap) can lead to inequality at the micro level. Jiyoung and Daehyun might think of each other as equals, but their inability to contribute equal funds to their apartment deposit introduces an element of inequality into the relationship, nevertheless. In time, these small inequalities will erode the happiness and contentment that Jiyoung and Daehyun feel in the early days of their marriage.
Themes
On the one-month anniversary of their wedding, Daehyun presents Jiyoung with a form to legally register their marriage. Jiyoung suggests there’s no rush—they already had a wedding ceremony, and it’s not like a piece of paper will change their feelings for each other. But Daehyun says, “it changes how we feel.” Daehyun’s response stresses her out—to her, the legality of their relationship doesn’t change her feelings about it. But does Daehyun think he’ll feel more committed to her if he signs the form? Regardless, they fill out the paperwork that night.
Symbolically—to Jiyoung and to readers—Daehyun’s remark here that signing a marriage contract “changes how [he and Jiyoung] feel” about each other points to how social norms shape people’s beliefs, emotions, and relationships—they don’t reflect how people naturally feel. In sharing this view of his, Daehyun unwittingly reveals that he is willing to let such norms shape his feelings—toward Jiyoung, and perhaps toward how gender roles will affect their marriage, too. Jiyoung is bothered that Daehyun actually thinks signing a marriage contract will make their love meaningfully different because it indicates that he buys into other potentially harmful social norms, as well.
Themes
When it comes time to decide which last name their future child will take, Daehyun says he thinks his name is a good surname. Although the hoju system that required all family members to be registered under the father’s last name was abolished in 2009, it’s still incredibly rare for children to take their mother’s name. Reluctantly, Jiyoung agrees that their child will take Daehyun’s name, but she doesn’t feel good about it.
Sure enough, Daehyun’s suggestion that his and Jiyoung’s future baby should take his last name reveals how willingly he goes along with patriarchal social norms. He does not question norms that don’t actively harm himself. He seems oblivious—or is perhaps choosing to be willfully ignorant—about how this choice might negatively affect Jiyoung.
Themes
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Jiyoung’s parents and Daehyun’s parents are both “waiting for ‘the good news.’” After a few months pass without the couple announcing a pregnancy, they begin to wonder if Jiyoung has health problems. At a birthday dinner for Daehyun’s father, some of Daehyun’s extended family—whom Jiyoung hasn’t even met before—explicitly say as much, suggesting she has bad circulation or an unhealthy uterus. She wants to tell them that family planning is between her and Daehyun and that it’s none of his family’s business, but she keeps these thoughts to herself. The couple fights on the drive back to Seoul. Jiyoung is hurt and angered that Daehyun didn’t stick up for her in front of his family.
Daehyun once more demonstrates his shortcomings as a partner when he fails to validate or acknowledge his family’s inappropriate, sexist attacks on Jiyoung. As a blood relative, he’s in a far more privileged position to talk back to his family and call out their inappropriate remarks without causing irreparable damage to his relationship with them—yet out of either ignorance, indifference, or cowardice, he fails to use that privilege to act as an advocate for Jiyoung.
Themes
When they reach home, Daehyun finally apologizes: he agrees he should have defended Jiyoung in front of his family. Still, he says, having a kid would get his family to stop nagging—he and Jiyoung plan to have a kid anyway, so why not now? Jiyoung can’t believe how casually he says this, as though asking something as unremarkable as “Let’s try the Norwegian mackerel.” Jiyoung’s older sister Eunyoung married last year and doesn’t have a child, so Jiyoung has never been around a pregnant woman or a baby, and she doesn’t know what to expect. She’s also concerned about how it will affect her career.
Even though he admits to being wrong, Daehyun’s failure to stand up for Jiyoung in the moment more or less undermines his belated apology to Jiyoung. If he can’t back his expressions of solidarity with tangible actions, then those words are ultimately useless in terms of their ability to empower Jiyoung and minimize her suffering. And his suggestion that he and Jiyoung give in to his family’s pressure as a solution to the problem only reinforces how unwilling he is to meaningfully support Jiyoung and see things from Jiyoung’s perspective.
Themes
When Jiyoung raises her concerns about having a baby with Daehyun, he promises to “help out.” Jiyoung, in response, lists all the things she’d be giving up: possibly her career, or guilt over leaving her baby for someone else to take care of while she works. Daehyun listens to her anxieties, but he tells her that what she gains will be far better than whatever she gives up. And if it comes down to it, it’s fine for her to quit her job, since Daehyun can take care of them all. Jiyoung asks Daehyun what he’ll be giving up. He lists not being able to stay out with his friends as late and maybe feeling bad about attending business dinners. Jiyoung tries not to show it, but inside, she despairs at how minimal Daehyun’s sacrifices seem compared to what she’d have to give up.
Daehyun yet again shows how his relative privilege as a male in a patriarchal society leaves him ignorant about the struggles Jiyoung faces as a woman. Jiyoung is right to call him out for suggesting that he can “help out” with his and Jiyoung’s child—the child equally belongs to them both, and so they should share equal work in raising the child. It’s not enough, in other words, for Daehyun to just “help out.” The brief list of things he predicts he’ll have to give up once the baby comes reaffirms his privilege and his ignorance—he seems totally unaware of how much more Jiyoung will have to give up by comparison.
Themes
Jiyoung does get pregnant, and she has horrible morning sickness until the end of her pregnancy. Her company lets pregnant employees to push their work hours back by half an hour, so when Jiyoung announces her pregnancy at work, one of her male colleagues says, “Lucky you! You get to come to work late!” Jiyoung thinks about how lucky she is to “get to retch all the time,” and be in unceasing discomfort, but she keeps her thoughts to herself. Instead, she angrily declares that she will arrive at work on time. In retrospect, she wonders if she’s making things harder for the younger women in the office, who might feel that they should follow her example and not use the benefits they’re owed.
The male colleague’s infuriating remark that Jiyoung is in fact “lucky” to be pregnant since it means she gets to arrive to work 30 minutes later than her non-pregnant colleagues further illuminates the male population’s general ignorance about women’s struggles. When one factors in how horribly sick Jiyoung has felt and how the birth of her child will likely negatively affect her opportunities for advancement at work and her pay, to name just a few indirect side effects that will likely result from her pregnancy, arriving at work 30 minutes late is hardly a perk.
Themes
On the tube ride home one day, the car is totally packed. One woman notes Jiyoung’s pregnant body and tries to find someone to give up their seat for her—the woman would, but she sprained her ankle last week. Everyone avoids eye contact, not wanting to give up their seat. Finally, a university student gets up, annoyed. When she brushes past Jiyoung, she hisses in Jiyoung’s ear about her working while being so heavily pregnant—it must mean she “can’t afford a kid.” Jiyoung starts to cry and gets off at the next stop. She takes a cab the rest of the way.
The two women on the train react to Jiyoung’s pregnancy in opposite ways, and this contrast highlights the harm that people cause when women internalize the sexism they’re immersed in in their daily lives rather than challenging that sexism to help other women. Rather than responding with empathy and compassion as the older woman does, the female university student reacts to Jiyoung’s inconveniencing her by insulting Jiyoung, parroting the sexist rhetoric she’s likely heard men and boys direct at women. The young female college student could well be in Jiyoung’s position someday, so not only does she harm Jiyoung here when she buys into her society’s sexist ideals, but she also indirectly harms her future self.
Themes
The obstetrician tells Jiyoung to “buy pink baby clothes,” meaning the baby is a girl. Jiyoung and Daehyun didn’t have a gender preference, but their parents did. Jiyoung’s mom says, “It’s okay, the next one will be a boy.” Daehyun’s mom says, “I don’t mind.” Even women Jiyoung’s age say things like, “I can hold my head up high around my in-laws now that I have a boy.” Near her due date, Jiyoung and Daehyun decide that one of them—Jiyoung—will have to be the stay-at-home parents due to neither of their parents’ ability to help and the high cost of daycare. Jiyoung knew this is what would happen, yet she still feels “depressed.” After Daehyun promises to “help out” with childcare, Jiyoung lashes out at him. How is it “helping out” when it’s Daehyun’s kid, too? She apologizes immediately after.
The obstetrician’s directive to “buy pink baby clothes,” referencing the gendered stereotype that blue is for boys and pink is for girls, is a minor detail, and hardly all that harmful compared to the other instances of sexism Jiyoung has encountered throughout her life thus far. Nevertheless, it reinforces just how engrained such stereotypes are in the culture—there’s no logical reason why Jiyoung would want to buy pink clothes for her baby girl other than that it’s the color society associates with girls. More harmful is the implicit disappointment Jiyoung faces from people in her life when she tells them the news of the baby’s gender—even her own mother is disappointed (and she assumes that Jiyoung is disappointed too). Jiyoung experiences another setback—albeit one she expected—when she and Daehyun decide that she’ll quit her job to care for their baby. Daehyun’s repeated insistence that he’ll “help out” with the baby shows his persistent ignorance about Jiyoung’s feelings and all the extra work society—and indeed, even Daehyun himself—expects Jiyoung to take on just because of her gender.
Themes
Jiyoung doesn’t cry when she tells the head of the company or Kim Eunsil that she’s quitting. The first morning after she quits, she sees Daehyun off to work and then gets back into bed. She wakes up again at nine and mentally plans out her day ahead, thinking what she’ll do after she gets off work—only to remember that she has no work anymore. Then she starts to cry. Her job wasn’t flashy or particularly lucrative, but she enjoyed her colleagues, and it made her happy. In 2014, around when Jiyoung quits her job, one in five married women in Korean leaves work either due to marriage, pregnancy, or childrearing.
Jiyoung reaches a new low as she realizes with deep clarity just how much she is giving up to become a mother: in giving up her work, she not only gives up economic independence and an outlet for her professional ambition, but she also more or less gives up an identity that isn’t wrapped up in her domestic life with Daehyun. The statistic that concludes this section shows the shortcomings of various legal measures the book has previously cited to actually achieve more gender equality in the workforce. Although measures like guaranteed parental leave have been put in place to theoretically assist working mothers, the various other ways in which Korean society has failed to protect the interests of women—cost-prohibitive daycare and regressive social norms regarding women’s natural place in the home, for instance—prevents such measures from meaningfully allowing women to remain in the workforce.
Themes
Jiyoung is past her due date and doesn’t show signs of going into labor, so she and the doctor agree to induce her. She has a long, painful labor, but in the end she gives birth to Jiwon, a baby girl. But Jiwon cries constantly, and Jiyoung has to do chores while holding her. Jiyoung also has to breastfeed every two hours, which means she can’t get more than two hours of sleep at a time.
This section paints an unflinchingly realistic portrait of Jiyoung’s experience as a stay-at-home mother. As this scene shows, Jiyoung is constantly at work, keeping house and tending to Jiwon. And her work isn’t over at the end of the standard business day: breastfeeding her newborn is an around-the-clock job (and, it’s worth noting, a job for which she receives no monetary compensation).
Themes
One day, Jiyoung’s wrists hurt so badly she can’t move them. She leaves the baby with Daehyun and goes to a doctor. The doctor explains that the joints get sore after giving birth. He tells her to rest her wrists—it’s the only way for them to heal. Jiyoung protests that she can’t—she has to care for her baby and do the washing and cleaning. The doctor just laughs and says that women back in the day “lit fires to boil baby clothes, and crawled around to do the sweeping and the mopping.” Doesn’t Jiyoung have a washing machine? Women today have no reason to complain. Inwardly, Jiyoung boils with anger. “Dirty laundry doesn’t march into the machine itself,” she thinks to herself. And why are technological advancements in other fields celebrated without attacking those workers for their supposed laziness?
It's illogical, ignorant, and unprofessional of the doctor to patronize Jiyoung, scolding her for complaining about all the work she has to do. First, Jiyoung has come to him about pain in her wrists—so his moralizing is both irrelevant and totally inappropriate. His moralizing makes clear his—and society’s as a whole—sexist beliefs. There’s no other industry in which a worker’s labor is so blatantly devalued because of technological advancements made in that field. A surgeon isn’t told their surgical skill is less impressive since surgeons thousands of years ago didn’t have modern medicine to rely on, for instance. It’s only because domestic labor is predominantly performed by women, the book implies, that the doctor is so dismissive of the physical toll Jiyoung’s work has taken on her body.
Themes
Jiyoung’s mother can’t help Jiyoung with the baby because she’s too busy with the porridge shop, but she applauds all Jiyoung’s hard, tireless work. Jiyoung asks her mother how things were when she was raising Jiyoung and her siblings. Jiyoung’s mother says it was awful—she did everything herself, and she had to take care of Jiyoung’s grandmother, too. She was tired and in pain all the time. This is a shock to Jiyoung, who wonders why her mother never spoke up.
Jiyoung’s mother’s admission about how exhausted she was all throughout Jiyoung’s childhood comes as a shock to Jiyoung because her mother’s silence ensured all her suffering remained largely invisible to her family. This section thus points to the vital importance of women speaking up about their mistreatment and demanding change—suffering in silence only gives those in positions of relative privilege a pass to continue ignoring that suffering and not do anything to challenge the inequality that has allowed that suffering to persist.
Themes
One day, Jiyoung’s former colleague Kang Hyesu comes over with onesies, diapers, and lip gloss. She explains that she’s been wearing the same gloss, and since she and Jiyoung have a similar complexion, she thought it might look good on Jiyoung, too. The gesture touches Jiyoung—Hyesu isn’t pressuring Jiyoung to “doll up,” a message a lot of new moms hear. She just thought of Jiyoung and wanted to do something nice for her.
The lip gloss that Kang Hyesu brings Jiyoung is itself not much—it’s the symbolism of that lip gloss that so touches Jiyoung. The lip gloss shows Jiyoung that Kang Hyesu still sees her as a person of value in her own right—she doesn’t have to get fit and pretty after becoming a mom to earn back her worth in society’s eyes. She’s still the same valuable person she was before she gave birth to her daughter.
Themes
Jiyoung and Kang Hyesu order Chinese and catch up on gossip. Kang Hyesu tells Jiyoung about the ongoing office scandal: the building’s security agent installed a spycam in one of the cubicles in the women’s restroom. He was caught because he’d uploaded footage to a pornography website. One of the male section managers at Jiyoung’s former company was a member and recognizes the ladies’ room and some of the women’s clothing. But instead of reporting what he saw, he shared the photos with his male colleagues.
The scandal at Jiyoung’s former company reinforces the sexism that has always tainted the workplace environment there. The willingness of the male coworkers to share the intimate images of their female coworkers indicates that even before things turned criminal, the men had no respect for the women they worked with as fellow humans.
Themes
One of the men at the office, who was secretly dating a female employee, told his girlfriend to use a different restroom. She was suspicious and pressed him for details, and eventually he told her everything. The woman told Kang Hyesu, who reported it. And to top it off, the male employees have accused the women of “being too harsh with them.” The head of the company wants the issue resolved as quickly as possible, so as not to “ruin this company’s reputation.” All the women involved in the case—Eunsil, Kang Hyesu, and the victims—are tired and just want things to go back to normal.
That the head of the company wishes to resolve the scandal because he doesn’t want it to “ruin the company’s reputation” implies that he cares more about the company (and the male employees that company shows preferential treatment toward) than about the safety and wellness of his female employees. The female victims’ struggle for justice adds insult to injury. Whatever laws have been passed to protect them from sexual harassment in the workplace are virtually useless if their society does nothing to enforce those laws.
Themes
Jung Jiwon starts daycare when she is around a year old. She’s dropped off at 9:30 a.m., then returns before 1:00 p.m. This means Jiyoung has around three hours to herself each day, and she spends most of that time doing chores. The daycare teacher says that Jiwon is good and that she might be able to nap at daycare soon, which would give Jiyoung a bit more time to herself. This excites Jiyoung and gets her thinking about starting something new.
With the possibility of Jiwon being able to spend more time at daycare, Jiyoung has the chance to fuel some energy into her own pursuits for the first time in a year—for the first time since Jiwon was born. Of course, the reader’s knowledge of the mental illness that Jiyoung develops around a year after Jiwon is born suggests that Jiyoung’s hopes will be dashed, though it’s not clear when or how that will happen.
Themes
Jiyoung and Daehyun’s rent went up recently, and they’ve had to take out another loan. They want to buy a place of their own, but they can’t on Daehyun’s salary alone. Jiyoung knows a lot of mothers who start working again once they send their child to daycare. Some do freelance work in their given field, while others work as tutors. Most often, though, they get part-time work as cashiers, waitresses, or telemarketers. Ever since the start of government-funded childcare, people have condemned young Korean moms for going out and getting their nails done or getting a coffee while their child is in daycare.
The public’s condemnation of Korean mothers doing things for themselves while their children are in government-funded childcare reinforces society’s broader disregard for women as people. The disgust aimed at mothers who take a moment for themselves implies a cultural assumption that women are naturally predisposed to tending to others’ needs. Women who take even a rare moment for themselves are therefore seen as lazy and entitled. There’s a double standard here, though: most people (i.e., men) who work outside the home are typically guaranteed breaks during the workday, something the public generally supports. Following this logic, then, one may argue that society’s condemnation of moms taking some time to themselves reflects society’s sexist view that conventionally female work (domestic labor, childrearing) isn’t actual work.
Themes
One day, Jiyoung is walking back from dropping off Jiwon at daycare when she sees an ice cream store looking for part-time workers. “Housewives welcome,” the sign reads. Jiyoung stops inside and chats with the woman whose job she’d be taking over, who has to quit because her first child is starting first grade. When Jiyoung asks about benefits, the woman almost laughs—there are none for part-time jobs. The role is very casual. The woman is lucky because her employer is paying her a small severance as thanks for being there so long. Before Jiyoung leaves, the woman remarks, “I have a college degree, too, you know.”
In a sense, it would be a case of history repeating itself were Jiyoung to accept a job at the ice cream shop—a contemporary version of the ajumma work her own mother took on as a housewife a generation before. The cashier’s remark about having a college degree comments on how little society values women, effectively barring them from re-entering the workforce after taking time to stay home and care for their children. The fact that she, as a college-educated person, can only find part-time, underpaid work at an ice cream shop, indicates society’s refusal to make accommodations for women looking to re-enter the workforce after having children. This in turn speaks to society’s broader disregard for women’s work and for women as people.
Themes
Jiyoung and Daehyun discuss the potential job later. Daehyun asks if it’s what Jiyoung wants to do—he can’t suggest she do something she’s not happy with. Jiyoung considers this and reasons that she “doesn’t like ice cream,” and the job doesn’t have any discernable paths toward advancement, either. She thinks about her future career and how having to take care of Jiwon now factors into all her decisions. She returns to the ice-cream store the next day, but by then, it has already filled the position. Jiyoung decides to seize the next opportunity for part-time work she can find.
Daehyun seems to recognize that Jiyoung is only interested in taking the job at the ice cream store because it’s among the few places that will even offer her a job, given the time she’s spent out of the workforce. In this sense, he acts as a caring partner who is attuned to his wife’s wants and needs and to society’s failure to accommodate those wants and needs. At the same time, there’s only so much Daehyun’s sympathy can do to meaningfully improve Jiyoung’s situation: ultimately, it doesn’t change the fact that society mostly offers only unskilled positions to mothers looking to re-enter the workforce and that Jiyoung won’t realistically be happy doing any of this sort of work.
Themes
Summer turns into autumn. Jiyoung picks up Jiwon from daycare and pushes the stroller to a nearby park to sit in the sun before it gets too cold. She picks up an Americano from a new coffee shop and brings it to the bench. She promptly falls asleep, exhausted. When she wakes, she overhears a group of male office workers criticizing her, “I wish I could live off my husband’s paycheck…bum around and get coffee…mom-roaches got it real cushy.” Jiyoung rushes out of the park and arrives at home “in a daze.” She can’t focus on anything for the rest of the day. When Daehyun arrives later, she tells him, “People call me ‘mom-roach.’” The men were drinking the same coffee she was. They know what it cost—1500 won. She asks Daehyun, “don’t I deserve to drink a 1500-won cup of coffee?” And anyway, how is it any of those strangers’ business? Daehyun draws her into an embrace and rubs her shoulders.
This tense scene at the park, during which Jiyoung is the object of these ignorant young men’s ridicule, seems to be her breaking point. The men’s insults insinuate that Jiyoung is lazy because she momentarily falls asleep at the park in the afternoon—it doesn’t even cross their minds that she’s sleeping not because she’s lazy but because she has worked hard at home all day and is exhausted. The existence of the slang term “mom-roach” as an insult indicates that the men’s view is a common one in Jiyoung’s contemporary society. These men’s misogyny is not the exception—it’s the rule. Daehyun’s embrace shows that he sees and wants to validate his wife’s struggle. At the same time, though, there’s only so much his compassion can do to improve Jiyoung’s situation, which is the consequence of the broader social ills of a misogynistic culture.
Themes
