Still Alice

Alice knows that Anne and Sarah are dead and have been for many years—in fact, she cannot imagine them as being any older than they were when they died—but “she’d been so sure that they were about to walk through the front door.” Although this scares her, she is more scared that this thought “scare[s] her only somewhat.”

At breakfast, Alice, John, and Lydia gather outside to eat. Lydia and John discuss Lydia’s upcoming play but struggles to keep up and form the words she needs to ask questions before they move on to the next topic. Instead, she feels like she’s watching them “as participants on stage from her seat in the audience.” While they talk, she cuts a bagel in half and looks at the various toppings they have for it. She notices some “white butter,” but knows it isn’t butter. She points at it and asks John to pass it to her. Still confused, Alice spreads it on her bagel and then stares at it. Lydia tells her that it’s cream cheese and Alice thanks her.

The phone rings inside, so John gets up to answer it. While he’s gone, Alice asks Lydia if she would consider going to college for a degree in theater, which might open new doors for her. Lydia asks her to explain, so Alice tells her that it would help qualify her as a teacher in case the day ever came when would “like to slow down a bit but still stay in the business” and that it would also lead to numerous “networking opportunities.” Alice tells her just to think about it and maybe talk to her fellow actors about it, which Lydia agrees to do.

Encouraged by the fact that they didn’t argue, Alice silently thinks of what to ask next. Lydia abruptly asks her, “What does [Alzheimer’s] feel like?” Alice explains that she knows when she’s not confused, but still has difficulties. She also tells Lydia, “[E]ven when I feel completely normal, I know I’m not. It’s not over, it’s just a rest. I don’t trust myself.” To Alice’s surprise, Lydia seems unfazed and asks what it feels like when she is confused. Alice describes bargaining with her own mind to remember a word or keep up with a conversation but notes that it is a losing battle. Suddenly, “Lydia reache[s] out across the dishes and glasses and years of distance” to comfort Alice.

Alice wakes up from a nap later to discover that Lydia is gone to rehearsal and John has left a note saying he’s on a drive. Alice picks up a book to read, but has a hard time focusing on it. Instead, she goes to Lydia’s room to see if she has any books there. In the room, Alice realizes that out of “her three children, she knew Lydia the least.” So, she decides to look around the room for some clues about who Lydia is. She finds Lydia’s collection of plays, decides they might be easier to read than novels, and grabs one.

Alice notices Lydia’s journal on her nightstand and decides to read it. In it, she reads “about a young woman’s passion and tenacity,” and the story of how Lydia had fallen in love with Malcolm during a play. John comes home and calls out to her, so Alice puts the journal back and goes downstairs to him.

Downstairs, John is waiting for Alice with one bag full of movies, mostly adaptations of the books she’s been reading, and another bag full of popcorn and Milk Duds. John explains that he thought it’d be easier for Alice to watch movies and so had run out to buy some. Thrilled, Alice gives him a big hug. She wants to tell him what he means to her, but can’t “find the words,” but he hugs her tighter to let her know that he knows. 

Early in the morning, Alice does some yoga and observes that her “whole body looked strong and beautiful.” She believes she’s in “the best physical shape of her life.” On the other hand, her mind is “[u]nresponsive, disobedient, weakening.” Although taking her medicine and running every day isn’t “add[ing] up to visible, measurable results,” she fears what will happen if she stops trying to keep these things up.

John accompanies Alice on a run that morning even though he doesn’t like running. Alice appreciates his effort and tells him so when they get home. Alice then finds Lydia on the porch drinking coffee. Lydia and Alice have developed a new routine where they discuss what play Alice is reading together over breakfast. Alice enjoys this because it shows her “the depth of her daughter’s intellect, her rich understanding of human need and emotion and struggle.” As they discuss Angels in America, Alice asks Lydia about acting a certain scene with Malcolm. Confused, Lydia asks Alice if she had read her diary. Alice realizes that this wasn’t something Lydia had told her in conversation and apologizes, but Lydia storms off.

John comforts Alice and tries to take her mind off Lydia’s anger by bringing her to the beach for a swim. That evening, however, Lydia doesn’t come home for dinner, leaving Alice convinced that Lydia hates her. Alice tries to stay up until Lydia comes back but falls asleep watching a movie with John. When he wakes Alice up to bring her back to bed, she finds Lydia’s journal on her pillow.

Tom walks into the house and apologizes for being late. With everyone gathered around, Anna announces that she is pregnant with twins. Everyone is thrilled even though Anna warns them that it’s still early, but Alice notices that Charlie looks nervous and wonders if he’s “terrified about the prospect of having two kids in college and, at the same time, a wife with dementia.” Lydia and Tom stand next to Anna and talk excitedly. Alice thinks to herself that “her children were beautiful.”

Tom asks Alice how she’s feeling, stating that she seems “too quiet.” Lydia tells him it’s because there are “too many of us talking at once and too quickly,” which makes Tom stop smiling. Alice repeatedly asks Lydia what time her play starts. This starts an argument between Tom (who thinks Alice should not worry about remembering anything) and Anna (who thinks Alice should be trying harder to remember everything), while Lydia argues that they should let Alice make that decision. 

The next night at the play, Alice becomes completely absorbed in watching the characters and is easily able to follow the story. After the play, Alice and her family go backstage to see the actors. Alice meets the actress who played Catherine and compliments her performance before asking if she’ll be in anything else that summer. There is an uncomfortable silence, but the actor answers her questions. Finally, Anna tells Alice that this actress is “Lydia, your daughter.”