Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in The Poet X, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Sexuality and Shame
Religion and Coming of Age
The Power of Language
Family, Abuse, and Expectations
Summary
Analysis
Friday, August 24. Stoop-Sitting. Xiomara writes that it’s the last week before school starts, so she enjoys the last bits of summer from her stoop. She watches the old church ladies gossip and an old man open the fire hydrant so kids can play in the water. Cabs drive by blasting bachata music and she can hear basketballs from the nearby park. Men finish a dominoes tournament and Xiomara shakes her head at the drug dealers, who smile more in the summer when they have pretty girls to look at. They taunt her and tell her to wear more revealing clothing, but she ignores them. She waits for the shadows to get long so she can sneak upstairs before Mami gets home from work.
Though the tone of this poem is somewhat hopeful and evokes a kind of idyllic summer, note that sprinkled in is a sense that Xiomara is, in some ways, trying to protect herself. She’ll go on to explain that this is because of her body and because Mami is extremely strict, but at this point, it reads simply as a hint that Xiomara isn’t able to exist entirely comfortably in her world because of the attention she receives from men or might get from Mami.
Themes
Unhide-able. Xiomara says that she can’t hide. She’s taller than Papi, and Mami has always said that she has too much body for a 15-year-old. Boys called Xiomara a whale in middle school—but now, they ask for pictures of her in a thong since her baby fat turned into D-cup breasts and big hips. Other girls insult Xiomara for her body, so she uses her fists and shrugs off the insults. Her skin is as thick as her body.
Mami’s comments about Xiomara’s size certainly make Xiomara feel even more self-conscious about her body. The fact that Xiomara has to fight to keep herself safe from insults or bullying suggests that she’s not entirely comfortable using her voice—or that, in her experience, using her voice hasn’t been effective.
Themes
Mira, Muchacha. “Mira, muchacha” (“Listen, girl”) is Mami’s favorite way to start speaking to Xiomara, and Xiomara always knows that she’s in trouble. This time, Mami says that a woman across the street said that Xiomara was talking to drug dealers. Xiomara says nothing, but tells the reader that she wasn’t talking to the drug dealers—they were talking to her. Mami doesn’t want Xiomara to talk to boys at all or have anything to do with them. Mami confirms that Xiomara heard her and walks away. Xiomara says that she sometimes wants to tell Mami that she’s the only one who nobody listens to.
Mami shows here that as far as she’s concerned, it’s a woman’s fault when they experience being catcalled, and it’s up to women to ward off this kind of attention—even if it’s impossible for any woman to actually make this a reality. This creates even more pressure for Xiomara in regards to her body, as she’s not only too big; she receives an uncomfortable amount of attention that she’s then blamed for because of her body.
Themes
Names. Xiomara’s name is the only one in the family that isn’t biblical or even Dominican. It means “one who is ready for war,” and Xiomara lives up to that description. She was born via C-section after Mami gave birth to Xavier—Xiomara’s brother Twin—with no complications, and Xiomara feels like people struggle in the same way to say her name. It’s pronounced “See-oh-MAH-ruh.” She no longer flinches when teachers mess it up on the first day of school. Mami supposedly thought it was a saint’s name, but now, Mami curses how well Xiomara lives up to her name. Mami and Papi probably wanted a girl who would sit in church in floral dresses, but Xiomara wears combat boots.
When Xiomara notes that she doesn’t react anymore when teachers mispronounce her name, it indicates that she feels she needs to protect herself when it comes to all aspects of her identity, from her name to her body. The note that Mami and Papi wanted a more demure daughter than Xiomara also begins to point to the possibility that their expectations for Xiomara are not in line with what Xiomara is able or willing to give them.
Themes
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The First Words. People have told Xiomara “Pero, tú no eres fácil” (“You’re not easy”) for her entire life. She hears it when she comes home with scraped knuckles, when she doesn’t do the dishes fast enough, or when she forgets to clean the bathroom. Sometimes, it’s positive, like when Xiomara does well in school. Mami’s pregnancy was difficult because of Xiomara; the doctors were concerned that she’d die or kill Mami. There was a prayer circle at church and Father Sean came to the ER to hold Mami’s hand while Papi paced. The doctor said that Xiomara’s was the most difficult birth she’d assisted. The first thing Papi said was “pero, tú no eres fácil.”
Constantly telling Xiomara that she’s not easy is a way to emphasize that she’s not living up to expectations in any way—something that likely makes Xiomara feel even more defensive and self-conscious about all sorts of things. Expectations, in this case, keep Mami and Papi from being thankful for the daughter they do have, while also making it harder for Xiomara to feel as though she’s loved and accepted for who she is.
Themes
Mami Works. Mami cleans an office building in Queens. She rides two trains starting in the early morning and then spends her day sweeping, cleaning, and being invisible. It takes more than an hour to get home to Harlem in the evenings. Mami tells Xiomara that she spends her time on the train reading the Bible and getting ready for evening Mass. Xiomara says that if she were on the train for that long, she’d settle in, close her eyes, and try to dream.
When Xiomara makes it clear that her train activities would differ from Mami’s, it’s important because Xiomara implies that she’s not as religious as Mami is. This suggests that there will be even more areas of Xiomara’s life where Mami isn’t happy with Xiomara the way she is.
Themes
Tuesday, August 28. Confirmation Class. Xiomara explains that Mami has wanted Xiomara to be confirmed in the church for three years. The first year, the class filled up and Mami couldn’t make Father Sean bend the rules to let Xiomara and Twin in. Last year, Xiomara’s best friend Caridad extended her trip in the Dominican Republic, so Xiomara asked to wait another year. Mami grudgingly agreed and Twin took the class alone. This year, Xiomara is all signed up. Mami doesn’t know that Xiomara thinks that Jesus feels like a childhood friend who has suddenly started texting too much and invites himself over too often. Xiomara doesn’t feel like she needs Jesus anymore, even though she knows writing that is blasphemous. She doesn’t know how to tell Mami that she’s not simply unready; her doubt is already confirmed.
Remember that the novel is ostensibly Xiomara’s private poetry notebook. Because of this, the fact that she couches her thoughts and questions about Jesus with the qualifier that she knows they’re blasphemous speaks to the extent of the church’s influence on her life. Even in private, Xiomara feels as though she has to live up to the church’s ideals and conceptions of what and who a young woman like her should be. The fact that Xiomara already knows she has doubts suggests that, as she comes of age, she’ll have to come to terms with these doubts and eventually learn to voice them.
Themes
God. There are lots of reasons that Xiomara wonders about God. She wonders why the holy trinity doesn’t include the mother, but she also sees how the church treats her differently. It’s like all that matters is what’s between her legs and not in her head, and she sometimes thinks that “turning the other cheek” could get Twin or men like him killed. Xiomara sometimes feels like life would be easier if she didn’t always feel like she owes a debt to God, especially since he doesn’t seem to be checking on her.
What Xiomara has to say about the value the church places on her sexuality begins to explain why Mami handles the sexual attention Xiomara receives the way she does—Xiomara stopping the advances is something required of her by the church. Additionally, though Xiomara isn’t entirely aware of it yet, Twin is gay. Thus, her statement can refer to him being either Latinx or gay, the combination of which makes him even more vulnerable.
Themes
“Mami,” I Say to Her on the Walk Home. Xiomara is nervous, but she forces herself to ask what would happen if she didn’t do confirmation. Mami cuts Xiomara off before she can even finish the question and declares that she won’t care for a heathen. Mami says that Xiomara owes it to God and to herself to devote herself, that the U.S. is too lenient with kids, and that if Xiomara doesn’t get confirmed here, she’ll have to go to Dominican Republic. The priests and nuns there know how to make someone pious. Xiomara looks at Mami’s scarred knuckles and thinks that she understands how Mami was taught to be faithful.
Realizing that Mami was probably taught to be faithful through physical abuse begins to show that Mami’s overbearing nature likely stems from having experienced overbearing adults when she was Xiomara’s age—it’s what she knows, and she hasn’t had reason or opportunity to rethink this. This illustrates how abusive behavior is normalized and then passed down through generations, hurting everyone in the process.
Themes
When You’re Born to Old Parents. Xiomara says that when you’re born to old parents who had given up hope of ever having children, you become a miracle and proof of God’s love. Neighbors treat Xiomara well and cross themselves when they see her. They’re all thankful that Xiomara and Twin weren’t tumors like everyone feared they were.
The fact that Mami and Papi were unusually old when they became parents sets up the idea that in addition to the other conflicts Xiomara has with her parents, there’s also a wide generational gap between them. Mami and Papi’s expectations are probably even more rigid than younger parents’ expectations might be.
Themes
When You’re Born to Old Parents, Continued. Xiomara continues and says that when the twins were born, Papi stopped drinking and hanging out at the bodega where men flirt. He stopped playing music and became a serious man. Xiomara says that even though merengue is the music of their people, Papi rejects anything that might tempt him.
Xiomara suggests here that having children was a coming-of-age experience of sorts for Papi—but one that turned him into a staid and soulless person, not one that gave him a more nuanced or brighter view on life. This suggests that coming of age can be a freeing experience or the exact opposite.
Themes
When You’re Born to Old Parents, Continued Again. Mami had a baby bracelet engraved with Xiomara’s name and Mi Hija (my daughter) on the other side. It was Xiomara’s favorite gift but now, it’s a shackle. Mami started going to church with even more fervor and attends Mass daily. Xiomara has to go too and her knees are filled with splinters. She still feels doubt.
That the bracelet feels like a shackle indicates that Xiomara feels stifled by Mami’s expectations of her, especially those that have to do with the church. Mentioning the splinters in her knees from the pews also shows that for Xiomara, church is a painful experience.
Themes
The Last Word on Being Born to Old Parents. Xiomara hates that her parents are old. Not even Twin understands the burden that Xiomara feels. Mami sees only Xiomara, Twin, and God, while Papi seems to be serving a silent penance. Both Mami and Papi have expectations. Xiomara knows it’s ungrateful to feel like a burden or to resent her birth. She knows that she and Twin are miracles—they’re reminded daily.
Being told daily that she’s a miracle and needs to thank God for her existence robs some of the joy of living from Xiomara, as it creates the expectation that her first duty is to make her life something that God would approve of rather than live for herself. Twin likely doesn’t understand the burden because he’s male and therefore isn’t subject to quite the same expectations that Xiomara is.
Themes
Rumor Has It. Mami was a snob in the Dominican Republic. She was born in La Capital and all the men thought she was beautiful, but the only man Mami wanted was Jesus. She had wanted to be a nun since she was a young girl but, supposedly, Mami’s family forced her to marry Papi so she could move to the U.S. Thirty years later, Mami and Papi are still married. Xiomara thinks that Mami hasn’t forgiven Papi for “making her cheat on Jesus,” or for the other things he did.
Learning this piece of Mami’s history shows clearly that she was never told that she could create for herself the life she wanted; instead, she needed only to follow others’ ideas. Note too that while Mami wanted to immerse herself in the church as a nun, now the church is somewhat uncomfortably oppressive for her, since the Catholic Church forbids divorce and so keeps Mami stuck in a life that she never wanted.
Themes
Tuesday, September 4. First Confirmation Class. Xiomara instantly wants to hit the other kids because they stare at Xiomara and Caridad. She and Caridad are older, but they know most of the other kids from youth Bible study. She wonders if the kids stare because they thought she and Caridad had already been confirmed, or because Xiomara can’t hide that she’d rather be anywhere else.
Being such an open book with her emotions means that Xiomara likely has to deal with far more teasing and taunting than someone who’s better at hiding their emotions, as she’s previously implied with her mentions of having to fight back against bullies.
Themes
Father Sean. Father Sean runs the confirmation class. He’s been the head priest for Xiomara’s entire life. He wasn’t too strict last year during youth Bible study, but Xiomara does wonder if she just didn’t notice how strict he was. Older kids asked important questions then, like why they should wait for marriage and if masturbation is a sin. Confirmation class feels different. Father Sean explains that the students will deepen their relationships with God of their own volition. He says it’s serious. Xiomara fixates on the word “volition.” She thinks it’s like a fruit she’s never eaten, but she can already taste that it’s sour.
When Xiomara talks about her perception of Father Sean changing, it points to her growing and learning to see her world in new ways. Her comment about “volition” being unknown to her reinforces the idea that Mami is forcing Catholicism upon Xiomara, rather than letting her come to it. This makes it clear to the reader that Xiomara isn’t embarking upon the confirmation class of her own choice—and is therefore violating its purpose, at least according to Father Sean.
Themes
Haiku; Boys. As Father Sean lectures, Xiomara whispers to Caridad. She asks if Caridad kissed boys when she was in the Dominican Republic over the summer. Though Caridad denies it, she blushes. Xiomara admits that she’s not proud that she hasn’t kissed anyone and that she’s ready to kiss and let boys touch her. Caridad curses and points Xiomara toward the Book of Ruth so she can learn virtue. Xiomara scolds her for cursing and Caridad jokes that she doesn’t know why she missed Xiomara. She assures Xiomara that she’ll figure out the boy thing.
Xiomara’s willingness to be open with Caridad about her desire to gain experience with boys indicates that she’s getting support from Caridad that she’s not getting elsewhere. It’s worth keeping in mind too that while Caridad is supportive, she also makes it clear that she still believes fully in Catholicism. Toeing this line is possible in part because they’re peers; Caridad feels no need to shame Xiomara into submission like Mami does, hinting that close relationships can exist even between people with different beliefs.
Themes
Caridad and I Shouldn’t Be Friends. Xiomara says that she and Caridad are never mistaken for sisters and aren’t “two sides of the same coin.” Xiomara is always ready to fight, while Caridad recites Bible verses and talks about peace. Xiomara wants to like boys, while Caridad wants to wait until marriage. Caridad respects her parents, while Xiomara listens to Mami because she’s afraid. She thinks that she should hate Caridad since she’s everything Xiomara can never be, but they’ve known each other since they were babies and Caridad knows Xiomara inside and out. Best of all, Caridad isn’t judgmental. She knows that Xiomara has questions but never tells Xiomara she’s wrong.
Again, the way that Xiomara talks about Caridad being able to understand both the religious world and Xiomara’s world indicates that Caridad is accepting of Xiomara and her questions in a way that nobody in Xiomara’s family is. Caridad thus sets an example that the novel suggests is worth striving for: because she’s not judgmental, she’s able to impart more advice to Xiomara and have Xiomara take it seriously, while Mami’s “advice” falls on deaf ears because she doesn’t respect Xiomara’s perspective.
Themes
Questions I Have. Xiomara wonders who she’d be around boys if Mami weren’t so strict. Xiomara has lots of feelings and notices boys, but she also gets attention from guys that confuses her. She feels flattered but scared that they only like her breasts and her backside, and she’s afraid of what Mami would say. Xiomara wonders what would happen if, like one girl she knows, she fell in love and became addicted to sex. That girl has three kids, no man, and no diploma. She wonders what would happen if she fell in love, a boy broke her heart, and she became bitter like Mami. She doesn’t know what else is possible besides those two extremes. Xiomara asks how she’s supposed to figure out what it means to be in love.
This poem begins to show that Xiomara hasn’t been around healthy examples of romantic relationships; all she knows is married bitterness or sex destroying a woman’s life. This means that Xiomara will be much less likely to recognize a healthy relationship if she sees it, though the fact that she seems to suspect that there’s more to romance than these extremes offers hope that she won’t simply replicate what she sees at home or in her community.
Themes
Wednesday, September 5. Night before First Day of School. Xiomara lies in bed thinking of the new school year. She can feel her body stretching her skin and she feels too small for everything inside. She wants to break herself open like an egg. Xiomara thinks that teachers always say that a new school year is a new start. She feels like she’s been beginning for a while now.
That Xiomara’s change comes from her growing body suggests that her coming of age is something necessitated by her body, not necessarily something she’d choose if she didn’t have to. Feeling like she’s beginning also opens her up to accept new experiences during this school year.
Themes
Thursday, September 6. H.S. Xiomara’s high school might have been built during the Great Depression. Kids come from all over the city, though Xiomara can walk. It’s “wide and squat,” while Twin’s fancy “genius school” is glass and futuristic. Xiomara’s school was considered one of the worst in the city not long ago, but Xiomara sees that reputations last longer than anything else. Every day she greets security guards by name, goes through metal detectors, and keeps her head down. School for her is just a place and a way to get closer to her eventual escape.
The escape that Xiomara refers to is likely college, when she can get away from Mami and Papi and begin to figure out who she actually is without their supervision. That school is simply a means to escape indicates that Xiomara prioritizes her thoughts and intelligence, even if her church and her family may prioritize her body and her sexuality above her intelligence.
Themes
Ms. Galiano. Ms. Galiano isn’t what Xiomara expected after hearing kids talk about her being strict and tough. Xiomara expected an old teacher in a suit, but Ms. Galiano is young, wears bright colors, and wears her hair naturally curly. She’s petite, but acts much larger. Xiomara has her for first period English. They do icebreakers, Ms. Galiano pronounces Xiomara’s name right on the first try, and then Ms. Galiano hands out her first assignment. She wants her students to write about the most impactful day of their lives. Xiomara feels like teachers always fake being interested, but she suspects that Ms. Galiano is genuinely interested.
Being able to pronounce Xiomara’s name right off the bat immediately makes Ms. Galiano a more sympathetic individual in Xiomara’s eyes, as it suggests that she understands at least the language if not some of the cultural aspects of Xiomara’s life. This also shows how people can begin to connect through language, both through Xiomara’s name and by being asked to complete this writing assignment that will allow Ms. Galiano a window into Xiomara’s life.
Themes
Rough Draft of Assignment 1—Write about the most impactful day of your life. Xiomara writes about starting her period in fifth grade. Nobody had told her what to do or what it was. She got home from school and when she went to the bathroom, she found blood in her underwear. She Googled “blood down there” and then snuck money to buy tampons. She put one in, but did it wrong and blood smeared all over her legs. When Mami got home Xiomara tearfully asked for help, but Mami slapped her so hard she cut Xiomara’s lip. She told Xiomara that good girls don’t wear tampons and asked if Xiomara was a virgin. Xiomara didn’t know how to answer. Mami threw away the tampons, said they were for cueros, and said she’d pray. Xiomara hoped she’d stop bleeding.
This story reveals that in Xiomara’s family, talking about body functions like menstruation doesn’t happen—which means that Xiomara is wildly underprepared and scared, which she didn’t need to be. Mami’s reaction is especially telling, since it indicates that she wants Xiomara to somehow just know how Mami expects her to behave (rather than behaving a certain way because she’s been told to). In this way, Xiomara truly can’t win, since there are certainly more times than this that she’s not even sure of what the expectations are.
Themes
Final Draft of Assignment 1 (What I Actually Turn In). Xiomara writes that when she turned 12, Twin bought her a leather-bound poetry notebook for their birthday. It has a woman reaching for the sky on the cover and motivational quotes on the pages. Twin told her that he hoped it would give Xiomara a place to put her thoughts. Sometimes, Xiomara writes poems in it. It was the first time someone gave her a place to put her thoughts and it seemed like Twin was saying that Xiomara’s thoughts are important. Xiomara writes every day and thinks that it’s the only way to not hurt.
What Xiomara turns in contrasts sharply with her rough draft: while starting her period was a silent, confusing, and painful experience, receiving this notebook was an invitation to begin using her words to make sense of what’s going on around her. This birthday then represents the starting point for Xiomara’s coming-of-age journey, as it’s the point where she begins to learn the power of using her words, even if only in private.
Themes
The Routine. Every day after school, Xiomara goes straight home. She’s the girl of the house, so she has to help out. Xiomara eats an apple, washes dishes, and dusts. Xiomara and Twin argue about how Twin doesn’t have to clean half as much, but Mami still likes him better. Sometimes Twin helps with laundry or scrubbing, but he doesn’t get in trouble if he doesn’t. Xiomara thinks of one of Mami’s favorite sayings: that life isn’t fair, which is why they have to earn their entrance into heaven.
Drawing out the different expectations for Xiomara and Twin allows Xiomara to show how her parents truly do treat her differently. Presumably, Xiomara has to do more or different things to earn her entrance into heaven because she’s female, while Twin has a bit of a free pass since he’s male and already favored by the adults in his life. The apple in this scene is also a symbolic hint at the way Catholicism treats women as inherently sinful in a way that men are not.
Themes
Altar Boy. Mami understands Twin better. Even though he’s a science geek, he likes church and doesn’t question the Bible. He’s been an altar boy since he was eight and leads discussions in Bible study better than Father Sean. This summer, he volunteered at Bible camp. With school in session, he’ll miss the religious crafts his campers made. He’ll miss the mosaic of marbles that he hung in his and Xiomara’s room. She throws it out while cleaning and vows to apologize and say it was an accident. She knows that Twin will forgive her and pretend to believe her.
When Xiomara throws out the mosaic while she’s cleaning, it suggests that she’s trying to find the places where she can gain some degree of power over her life from within the confines set by her parents. Because she’s the one responsible for the cleaning, she’s the one who can “accidentally” get rid of things she doesn’t like. Meanwhile, Twin’s willingness to forgive and pretend suggests that he’s aware of the pressure on Xiomara and doesn’t want to make it worse.
Themes
Twin’s Name. Xiomara has only ever called her brother Twin. His real name is nice and a saint’s name, but it doesn’t feel like her brother. His real name is for other people, but calling him Twin is a reminder that they’ll always be a pair.
The reasons Xiomara has for calling Twin by the nickname indicates that Twin is the one person she feels safe with and connected to in her family.
Themes
More About Twin. Even though Twin is older by about an hour, he doesn’t act like it. When he and Xiomara were little, Xiomara would come home bruised and bleeding and Mami would scold her for not being like Twin. Xiomara never told Mami that Twin didn’t fight because Xiomara fought for him. Twin is soft, while Xiomara is a hurricane.
That Xiomara spent her childhood standing up for Twin speaks to her loyalty to those who love her unconditionally, while Mami’s scoldings show how out of touch she is with the realities of her children’s lives. It also suggests that Twin might not be as ideally masculine as Mami likely wants.
Themes
Tuesday, September 11. It’s Only the First Week of Tenth Grade. Xiomara feels like high school is a mess. In ninth grade she felt in between everything, but she thought that tenth grade would feel different. However, Xiomara still feels lonely and like people want to tear her apart. She curses at a guy who pulls on her bra strap and then shoves another guy into a locker for whispering in her ear about her body. Xiomara feels disgusted when she feels a little excited, but she also wishes that she could make her body tiny and hide.
The conflicted emotions that Xiomara has about this attention are perfectly normal, even if the boys’ behavior is horrendous. Remember that Xiomara only knows of two options when it comes to boys (love and abandonment or love and bitterness), so it makes sense these abusive and predatory boys stir up some curiosity—in some ways, Xiomara doesn’t expect anything else.
Themes
How I Feel About Attention. Xiomara muses that if Medusa was Dominican and had a daughter, she’d be the daughter. She feels like a myth with tight curls, a hard mouth, and long lashes. She feels like something to be conquered by fake heroes. Xiomara thinks that if Medusa were her mother, Medusa would tell her secrets, like how her looks stop men but that the men keep coming anyway.
Casting herself as a Medusa-like myth shows that people interact with their idea of what Xiomara is, not who Xiomara actually is on the inside—something reflected by the fact that, at this point, Xiomara is still writing all of this privately and not sharing her true self with the world.
Themes
Saturday, September 15. Games. Twin, Caridad, and Xiomara go to a park on the Upper West side. Neither Twin nor Xiomara is athletic, but Caridad convinced them to go to a basketball tournament. Xiomara explains that Twin and Caridad seem more like twins sometimes, but they all feel like family. It’s a beautiful day and the players play shirtless. Xiomara and Twin watch the players while Caridad watches the ball. When a player catches Twin looking, Twin pretends to clean his glasses. After the game, a boy stops and accuses Xiomara of staring at him. Xiomara knows it’s true and feels suddenly aware of everyone staring at her. Twin starts to pull her away, but the boy says that Xiomara is too big for Twin to handle. Xiomara gets in the guy’s face and asks how he expects to handle her when he can’t handle the ball.
When Xiomara notes that Twin is looking at the players just like she is, it opens up the possibility that Xiomara knows on some level that Twin is gay, but isn’t yet willing to say anything to him about it. The insult that Xiomara throws at the boy who challenges her and Twin shows that she has a way with language and already has a firm grasp of how to use it to get what she wants—but at this point, she has to use it in a defensive way, rather than speaking for the sake of expressing herself. Spoken language, at this point, has a very specific purpose for her.
Themes
After. Xiomara says that “it” happens everywhere—at school, on the train, on the stoop, and when she forgets to be cautious. She thinks that she should be used to it and that she shouldn’t get angry when boys or men speak crudely to her, rub up against her, or make offers. But, she’s not used to it and it always makes her feel shaky and tight. After she and Twin get home, Xiomara puts in headphones to listen to Drake. She grabs her poetry notebook and writes poems about all the things she wishes she’d said. Xiomara says that it happens whether she’s wearing jeans or shorts, whether she’s sitting or walking, and even if she’s on her phone. It never stops.
“It” is presumably catcalling or other inappropriate behavior from men. The fact that it happens all the time makes it very clear that there’s nothing Xiomara can do to stop it, no matter how much Mami tells her it’s her responsibility to make it stop. Rather, these men are the ones doing horrible things and it’s not Xiomara’s fault for existing in a world where she suffers this kind of constant abuse from men.
Themes
Okay? Twin asks if Xiomara is okay. Xiomara doesn’t know if she wants to hug him or hit him, and Twin sees it on her face. Xiomara thinks that Twin is older and male, but he never defends her. She wonders if he knows how tired she is of having to defend herself. Twin turns back to the computer, and neither of them voices their disappointment.
Xiomara shows here that she also has expectations of Twin that, his actions suggest, will never come true. In this way, Xiomara is doing what her parents have taught her to: she’s unable to see that the Twin she has is the Twin she’ll always have; he won’t change overnight. This mirrors the way that Xiomara won’t become suddenly demure and devout overnight, as Mami and Papi would like.
Themes
Sunday, September 16. On Sunday. Xiomara stares at the back of the pew in front of her so she doesn’t have to look at the pictures of saints or the sculpture of Jesus. Church feels like a prison, not a party.
That church feels like a prison makes it very clear that Xiomara isn’t going to accept God into her life of her own volition, as Father Sean wants.
Themes
During Communion. Xiomara says that she’s always taken communion. Today, however, she feels glued to her pew. Caridad raises an eyebrow and Mami elbows Xiomara, but Xiomara stares straight ahead at a stained glass Virgin Mary. Mami whispers for Xiomara to take communion and thank God for her life. Usually this works, but Xiomara sits and silently asks what the point was of God giving her life when she can’t live it. She wonders why obeying him means that she can’t voice her own thoughts.
Because of the way that Xiomara has learned to be religious from Mami, she doesn’t have any conception of how to be a spiritual person without fully embracing the entirety of Catholicism the way that Mami interprets it. Given Father Sean’s focus on choice, it’s likely that he’d encourage Xiomara to voice her own thoughts—but at this point, Mami’s influence is too strong for her to consider other ways of thinking about religion.
Themes
Church Mass. Xiomara says that when she was little, she loved Mass. The music was loud, everyone was happy, and Mami cried. Now, when Father Sean talks about Scriptures, everything feels weird and wrong. She hates when he says that girls shouldn’t do things, should obey, and shouldn’t be like Eve or Delilah. Xiomara is supposed to be like Mary, but Mary was probably terrified. Xiomara notices that none of the angels or Mary look like her, and thinks that even though she’s told to believe in the father and the son, men are the ones who make her feel small.
When Xiomara picks up on the hypocrisy of being told to revere certain men (and trust Father Sean) while being made to feel small by men in real life, Xiomara shows that she’s thinking critically about religion and is starting to find her voice to talk about how what she hears doesn’t match up to reality. Even though this is all still private, being able to articulate those thoughts represents a major leap in maturity.
Themes
Not Even Close to Haikus. Xiomara says that Mami’s back is like a coat hanger, and her anger is heavy wool. Mami scolds Xiomara for not taking communion. Xiomara mimics Mami’s straight back and spits that Father Sean says that communion should only be taken with joy. Xiomara isn’t sure who wins this battle.
Invoking Father Sean shows that Xiomara is versed enough in the church traditions to be able to use Mami’s beliefs against her—given Mami’s sense of internalized sexism and rigid religious beliefs, Father Sean is far more powerful than Mami is.
Themes
Holy Water. Xiomara listens to Mami and Papi talking about her—they never think that Xiomara and Twin listen in, but it’s impossible not to. Mami spits that Xiomara has the same devils in her that Papi had and that Father Sean will speak to Xiomara. Xiomara thinks that Father Sean won’t help and that she doesn’t understand God anymore. Papi assures Mami that puberty messes with teen girls and Mami doesn’t argue, since Papi knows more about girls than she does. Xiomara hopes to drown in her feelings.
Writing off Father Sean like this suggests that Xiomara has written off church entirely at this point. She feels completely alone, which means that Xiomara is going to be much less likely to be able to figure out her mixed-up feelings. In order to come to real conclusions, she’ll need to reach out and ask for help.
Themes
People Say; On Papi. Papi used to be a womanizer. He’d touch women and compliment them, but people also suspected he was infertile—that’s why he had so much casual sex. People think that Xiomara and Twin saved him and his marriage. Papi used to love to dance but now, thanks to his children, he stands up straight. Xiomara says that it’s possible to have a dad who doesn’t seem like he’s around, even though he’s actually at home often. Papi feels absent.
The fact that Xiomara and Twin “saved” Papi offers more backstory as to why Xiomara needs to behave herself and act a certain way—if she doesn’t, Papi might slip back into his old habits. Papi’s emotional absence indicates that Mami is the only person Xiomara really hears from at home, thereby depriving Xiomara of a possible ally in her father.
Themes
All Over a Damn Wafer. Mami forces Xiomara to go to evening Mass with her every day for a week. Xiomara stands to take communion but instead of eating her wafer, she secretly spits it into her palm and leaves it under the pew.
This becomes a major turning point for Xiomara, as she is exercising her own choice to not take communion. Having to hide it, however, means that she’s unable to think through this choice or its implications with help from anyone else.
Themes
Monday, September 17. The Flyer; After the Buzz Dies Down. Xiomara finds a plain poster that announces the spoken word poetry club, which is run by Ms. Galiano. Xiomara stops in her tracks on the stairs and ignores the kids trying to push her, as the poster feels personal. Xiomara wads up the flyer and puts it in her backpack. She has confirmation class on Tuesdays when the club meets and she knows that Mami will never let her out of the class. Xiomara doesn’t want anyone hearing her poems, but something in her chest nonetheless feels fluttery and confined.
Xiomara’s reaction to the poetry club flyer suggests that, even if she insists she doesn’t want people to hear her poems, a part of her isn’t entirely sure that this is true. She’s able to draw out this tense internal relationship by talking about the thing she feels in her chest, which is proof that, as she continues to write, she’s learning better how to harness language to express her emotions.
Themes
Tuesday, September 18. Aman. Two weeks into school, Xiomara’s science class finally gets to start real work. A boy named Aman is Xiomara’s lab partner. Their forearms accidentally touch, but Xiomara pulls away. She likes touching him, but she doesn’t want anyone to notice and insult her. Xiomara feels like everything has suddenly changed. She notices that she’s taller, but he’s handsome and quiet. Their arms rest against each other.
Having this positive physical experience with Aman begins to open up the possibility for Xiomara that physical intimacy doesn’t have to be unwanted or aggressive, like what she experiences in the hallways. This helps her begin to learn about how a healthier relationship starts and how she can seek out different kinds of relationships than the ones she’s seen.
Themes
Whispering with Caridad Later That Day. Xiomara whispers that there’s a boy at school, which Caridad says is proof that Xiomara should’ve come to St. Joan’s with her. Xiomara jokes that the St. Joan’s girls get pregnant and she refuses to focus on the verse they’re studying. She says that it’s not wrong to think a boy is handsome, but Caridad says it’s wrong to lust. She insists that even if their parents lusted, they were married so it was okay. Xiomara suggests that their parents lusted before marriage, and says that the boy is cute and his arm is warm. Caridad scoffs and says that she’s trying to protect Xiomara from herself.
Caridad’s insistence that their lusting parents were in the clear because they were already married reads as somewhat silly, given that Xiomara is probably correct (at least in the case of Caridad’s parents, since Mami didn’t want to marry). Idealizing her parents like this suggests that Caridad isn’t yet able to see her parents as people with flaws, since they’re still her role models in every way.
Themes
What Twin Be Knowing. As Xiomara gets ready for bed, she finds the flyer for the poetry club unfolded on her bed. Twin whispers that the world has been waiting for Xiomara for a while. Xiomara smiles about their shared secret hope. However, when he leaves the room, Xiomara tears up the flyer. She has to go to confirmation class on Tuesdays.
Xiomara begins to see religion as even more constricting exactly because her confirmation class and the poetry club are at the same time. Confirmation is literally keeping her from the thing she wants, a conflict that also keeps Xiomara silent for longer.
Themes
Sharing. People think it’s odd how much Xiomara and Twin share, even though they’re very different. Mami wanted to move so they could each have their own room, but Papi refused. Xiomara remembers hearing that goldfish only grow as big as their tank will allow, and she wonders if she and Twin are keeping each other from growing.
In her musings about Twin, Xiomara suggests that their entire family’s expectations of them are stifling them and keeping them from becoming their true selves. This suggests that just as Xiomara has unrealistic expectations for Twin, Twin has the same of Xiomara.
Themes
Questions for Ms. Galiano. Xiomara is early to English class. She asks quickly if Ms. Galiano runs the poetry club. Ms. Galiano explains what spoken word poetry is and agrees to pull up a clip to start class. Xiomara says she’s not interested in joining, but Ms. Galiano seems to be sizing her up.
Remember that Xiomara is quiet and keeps her head down at school. Ms. Galiano certainly knows this, so Xiomara’s interest in poetry club likely reads as out of the ordinary and an indicator that this actually is important to Xiomara.
Themes
Spoken Word; Wait— Ms. Galiano shows a video of a woman onstage. The woman talks about being black, female, and how beauty standards make her feel like she’s not pretty. Xiomara holds her breath and feels like the woman is speaking right to her. She feels heard. After the clip ends, everyone claps. Xiomara puts her hand to her heart and hopes that her chills will go away. She tells herself it was just a poem, but it feels like a gift. Xiomara realizes that this is what Ms. Galiano wants her to do in poetry club. She thinks it’s silly that Ms. Galiano thinks that quiet, mean Xiomara will ever perform her poems.
While neither Xiomara nor the reader gets any insight into why Ms. Galiano chooses the video that she does, it’s possible that, knowing what she knows about Xiomara, she chose one that she thought might appeal to her specifically. This illustrates how mentors and teachers can profoundly impact their students and point them in the direction of meaningful activities—in effect, not expecting certain things but rather letting the students show them who they are.
Themes
Holding a Poem in the Body. After Xiomara’s shower, she memorizes one of her poems. She thinks of the video from class and lets her hands move. She lets her body take up space as she speaks. Mami knocks on the door and asks Xiomara what she’s reciting. Xiomara says that she’s reciting verses and knows that Mami thinks she means Bible verses. She hides her poetry notebook in her towel and reminds herself that she didn’t really lie.
It’s especially important that Xiomara makes it clear that she’s allowing her body to just be as she recites this poem. This creates a link between finding her voice and celebrating her body, suggesting that as Xiomara grows and comes of age, she’ll become happier with her body as she becomes more comfortable performing.
Themes
J. Cole vs. Kendrick Lamar. Aman and Xiomara have to speak once they start doing real labs. One day, Xiomara asks if he’s heard the new J. Cole album. Aman shuffles papers and says that he has the album, but he likes the new Kendrick Lamar better. He suggests they listen to it together.
Being truthful about his preferences with Xiomara allows Aman to make truthfulness a part of their relationship from the beginning, which in turn, helps them get to know each other on a more honest level rather than harbor unrealistic expectations.
Themes
Asylum; What I tell Aman. Xiomara’s family got their first computer when Xiomara and Twin were nine. Twin looked up science stuff or anime movies, but Xiomara streamed music. She fell in love with rappers like Nicki Minaj, Drake, Jay Z, and Eve. Searching for songs felt like applying for asylum. Those rappers helped her escape from silence, and she needed to hear people speaking about the things that hurt them. She wonders if Papi stopped listening to music because it made his body want to rebel or speak up. Xiomara learned that music can be a bridge between strangers. Xiomara tells Aman that maybe she’ll join him to listen to the Kendrick Lamar album.
Discovering the power of music at an early age allowed Xiomara to learn that language is what ties people together. Expanding this to apply to her relationship to Aman represents the next step in this evolution, as it shows Xiomara that she can begin to connect with actual people in her life, people who can then go on to support her.
Themes
Dreaming of Him Tonight. Xiomara dreams of Aman’s face in her hands. She remembers Mami’s words, but she touches his face anyway. Xiomara can feel Aman touching her hips and her breasts. Her alarm goes off as they lean in to kiss. In her dreams, Aman’s mouth knows more than Xiomara knows.
The dream suggests that Xiomara is more than a little aware that relationships with men don’t have to be uncomfortable—and it also reveals that she’s very interested in experimenting, even if the church forbids it.
Themes
Thursday, September 20. The Thing about Dreams. Xiomara knows she can’t look Aman in the face—she knows he’ll see that she dreamed about him last night. She’s nervous but in biology, she says that she’d love to listen to Kendrick tomorrow.
The shame that Xiomara feels speaks to her repressive environment at home, where any sexual behavior is discouraged. Because of this, she’s been primed to be embarrassed about having sexual thoughts and believes—probably incorrectly—that the thoughts themselves are obvious.
Themes
Date; Mami’s Dating Rules; Clarification on Dating Rules. Xiomara says that this isn’t a date or anything sinful. Mami’s rules for dating are that Xiomara can’t date until she’s married. Xiomara explains that Mami won’t have anything to do with dating and that Xiomara can’t have a boyfriend until after college. Even then, Mami has strict ideas about what kind of boy Xiomara can date. Xiomara knows that Mami would never allow her to meet Aman alone, but Xiomara can’t wait to do it anyway.
Again, it’s important to note that even though Xiomara knows what the rules and expectations are, she’s still more than happy to break them. This is resounding evidence that the expectations of her family, religion, and culture are, to some degree, not useful at actually making Xiomara conform to how Mami wants her to be.
Themes
Friday, September 21. Feeling Myself. Xiomara thinks that last night, she relished the secret that she was going to meet Aman. She was afraid that Mami or Twin would know something is up, especially since this morning, she ironed her shirt—which she hates doing. Nobody says anything. Xiomara pulls on her jeans and thinks that her legs feel powerful. She smiles at her backside in the mirror.
Thinking that she looks good in her jeans speaks to the fact that Xiomara is beginning to come into herself as she moves away from Mami’s overbearing expectations and those of the church. Rebelling gives her an opportunity to think about herself in a new way, one that the church and Mami wouldn’t condone.
Themes
