Crying in H Mart

“Ever since my mom died,” author Michelle Zauner begins, “I cry in H Mart.” Growing up with a Korean mother in the mostly white town of Eugene, Oregon, Zauner often felt most connected to her heritage through Korean cooking and food. Now, in the years since her mother, Chongmi, died of cancer, Michelle finds solace in H Mart, a Korean grocery store with outposts all over the country. As Michelle gets black bean noodles or hunts down banchan and cuttlefish, she reflects that she—like many of the store’s other customers—is “searching for home, or a piece of ourselves.”

Michelle describes her childhood. Chongmi was always strict, refusing to coddle Michelle; when Michelle would cry, Chongmi would tell her to “save your tears for when your mother dies.” Chongmi had a fastidious approach to life—there was always some new skincare she wanted Michelle to try, some corner of the house to be cleaned. Michelle used to rebel against her mother’s strict habits, though she also craved her approval.

Every other summer, Michelle and Chongmi would visit Chongmi’s family in Seoul, South Korea. Michelle loves her aunts Eunmi Emo and Nami Emo, and her cousin Seong Young, though she fears her grandmother, whom she calls Halmoni. Michelle also treasures these trips because they allow her to feel close to Chongmi, just as Chongmi seems to treasure the time with her own mother. When Halmoni dies, Michelle sees her mother lose control for the first time, letting out a “distinctly Korean sob” of grief.

Michelle then turns to her mother’s illness. At the time of Chongmi’s diagnosis, Michelle is living in Philadelphia, waitressing and playing in a band. The only stable thing in Michelle’s life is her relationship with Peter, a longtime friend who (much to Chongmi’s delight) has finally become her boyfriend. When Michelle learns that Chongmi has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer, Peter is Michelle’s main support system.

Though Michelle and her mom are close now, their relationship during Michelle’s adolescence was fraught. Michelle was in love with rock music; she learned guitar and wrote her own songs, eager to emulate bands like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Modest Mouse. But Chongmi disapproved of this impractical pursuit, and the tension between mother and daughter escalated to the point that Chongmi kicked Michelle out of the house. After a few lonely, horrible months, Michelle moved back home, gaining admission to Bryn Mawr. But she continued to fight with Chongmi, sometimes even physically; once, Chongmi screamed at Michelle that she got an abortion because Michelle was “such a terrible child!” Michelle’s relationship with her father was less combative but just as strained, especially once she realized he was having frequent affairs.

Now, Michelle returns to Eugene to take care of her mother. Michelle wants to learn to cook Korean food for Chongmi, caring for her mother just as Chongmi has cared for her. But the chemotherapy makes Chongmi nauseous, and she can’t stomach any of the dishes Michelle tries to teach herself to prepare. A week into Michelle’s stay, Chongmi feels so ill that she has to be rushed to the hospital. Michelle remains stoic while her dad starts drinking and sleeping too much, openly panicked at his wife’s impending death.

Chongmi’s friend Kye arrives to help Michelle and her dad with Chongmi’s care. Kye is good in a crisis; she cooks soothing Korean dishes like jatjuk and even shaves her own head to make Chongmi feel better about her hair loss. But Kye is unfriendly to Michelle, and Michelle feels envious of and excluded from her mom’s friendship with Kye. Michelle flies to Philadelphia for a brief tour with her band, though music feels less glamorous and compelling under the dire circumstances.

Michelle’s mother’s illness makes her reflect on her aunt Eunmi’s death by cancer several years ago. When Eunmi died, Chongmi took a silver heart-shaped necklace from Eunmi’s jewelry box for herself and purchased a matching one for Michelle, a sign of the duo’s shared commitment to remembering Eunmi however possible. Seeing Eunmi go through chemotherapy so many times has also made Chongmi firm—she will only do chemo twice. But after Chongmi goes through two rounds of chemo, Michelle gets the bad news: her mother’s tumor has not shrunk at all. Michelle bursts into tears, and for the first time in her life, Chongmi cannot tell her to “save your tears until your mother dies.”

In her last months, Chongmi wants to take one final trip to South Korea. Michelle and her parents meet in Seoul, but Chongmi’s health is quickly declining, and she does not feel up to any of their planned activities; she cannot even eat kimchi, a fact that makes Chongmi wonder what she could possibly “have left to look forward to.” Instead, Michelle and her dad spend their time in Korea in the hospital, desperate to ease Chongmi’s pain.

Knowing that Chongmi has so little time left, Michelle asks Peter to marry her, hoping her mother can be present at their wedding. Peter is hesitant at first, but he agrees, and three weeks later, the couple gets married in Eugene. Chongmi compliments Michelle’s outfit, and this rare moment of approval touches Michelle deeply.

Soon after the wedding, Kye leaves, angry at Michelle and her dad for behavior that she deems “selfish.” Michelle starts to wonder what secrets Chongmi has been keeping from her, especially when it comes to her parent’s marriage. A few days later, Chongmi dies, prompting Michelle to wail “umma” in seemingly endless grief. To deal with her feelings, Michelle starts writing and recording songs with Peter and a few other friends.

After the funeral, Michelle and her dad plan a trip to Vietnam. But though the sights are beautiful, Michelle feels isolated and depressed. The trip results in a giant fight, where Michelle and her dad use Chongmi’s words against each other. When they return to Eugene, Michelle notes that the pair is “just as damaged and separate as ever.”

Eventually, after a brief trip to visit Nami Emo in Seoul, Peter and Michelle move to New York together, planning to get nine-to-five jobs and begin a more grown-up lifestyle. In her free time, Michelle gets more serious about learning to make Korean food, studying YouTube tutorials by a woman named Maangchi. She begins with jatjuk, then gets more advanced, eventually perfecting a series of kimchi recipes. Michelle begins to think of her relationship with Chongmi like kimchi, which ferments rotting cabbage and effectively turns it into something new. Similarly, instead of letting Chongmi’s death fester, Michelle is committed to commemorating her mother through her writing and music.

A few months later, the songs Michelle wrote about Chongmi—recorded as the album Psychopomp, using the band name Japanese Breakfast—take off. The band gets big enough that Peter and Michelle quit their jobs and go on tour, ending with a stop in Seoul. After the concert, Michelle watches the attendees walk home with Japanese Breakfast merch under their arms, all of it emblazoned with Chongmi’s face.