It is not until the end of Reckoning that Magda Szubanski fully embraces her sexuality. At a young age, Magda knew she was different: she was attracted to girls more than she was attracted to boys. But when Magda was growing up, there was still much social stigma around homosexuality. For many years, Magda exists in a state of self-division. She hides the truth about her sexuality from others, creating a public persona so that others will accept her and hiding her true self from the world—and even from herself.
This state of self-division persists well into Magda’s adulthood. Although Magda has relationships with women as she grows older, she persists in hiding her sexuality from her parents, sure that they will shun her. When Magda finally comes out to her parents, their acceptance shocks her and causes her to feel ashamed all over again for having underestimated their unconditional love for her and driving an unnecessary wedge between herself and her family. What is more, her personal shame about her sexuality doesn’t disappear—even after she comes out publicly, she still feels exposed and disgusted with herself. Her habit of dividing and burying her real self has become so ingrained that it is not until years later that she proudly calls herself a lesbian. Magda’s long and arduous journey to self-acceptance sheds light on the destructive, long-lasting effects of shame.
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Sexuality and Shame Quotes in Reckoning
There was a dark side to my Marcia Brady madness. I knew that I liked her in a way that was different from the other kids. I didn’t just want to be her friend. I wanted to kiss her. […] And, without being told, I knew this was not ‘normal.’ Somehow I knew that I posed what researchers call a ‘social identity threat’ to myself.
I both wanted and didn’t want Kerry to know how I felt about her. I wanted to kiss her […] but I was afraid she would think I was the most reviled and despised thing: a lezzo. My tender feelings were like a jammed signal, unable to escape my furiously beating heart. I was paralyzed, like a hysterical mute, wanting to tell her but desperate to hide my true nature. So it was that the moment of my gay adolescence was delayed at take-off and has, I fear, been stuck on the runway ever since.
How could I explain what I hadn’t even begun to understand myself? That I was locked in the Jedi mind trick of my father’s denial? That I was the victim of a victim. All I knew was what I feared—that I was not like other human beings and I was devoid of normal emotion. And there was no way I was going to let these [friends], kind and patient as they were, see that.
I decided I must be some kind of sexual traitor, who had colluded in order to enjoy the benefits of a straight life. […] I didn’t understand that I was acting out a psychodrama. My role was written. I was predetermined and I didn’t even know it.
The pasteurization of my personality did not help with my comedy writing. Comedy is all about finding your voice. […] Your voice is best when it is formed where it is found. But what if you are trying to be what you are not? What if you don’t know who you are?
In the following months, as it gathered pace, I started to feel like I was strapped to a rocket. Magazine covers, interviews, endorsements. Suddenly I really was a household name, dogged by the horrible hollow feeling that the wrong ‘me’ had shot to fame. At night I dreamed that I was hanging on to the outside rail of a runaway train.
Fame never saved anyone. More than anything Hollywood sat directly on the fault line of all my insecurities. I suspect it would not have been a good idea for someone like me, with so many cracks and fissures, to live in an earthquake zone. […] Some small, quiet, healthy part of me knew that if I stayed in Hollywood things would not go well for me. The gulf between my real self and my false self would grow ever wider.
The crucial difference between Lesbian Gay Transgender Bi-Sexual Intersex and Questioning people and other minorities is this: in every other minority group the family shares the minority status. In fact it is often something that unites them. But gay people are a minority within the family. A minority of one. […] All through our growing up, from the instant we realize we are gay, we live with the gnawing fear that our parents’ love could turn to hatred in an instant.
‘That’s what I believe is real heroism. People who are afraid, have their pants full, and yet—they go and do something. Then you say, By God! It took courage to do that! But if you’re not afraid, it’s easy.’
And it dawns on me: that’s me. [Peter] is describing me. That is what I have just done.
