The End of the Affair

On January 18, 1946 Sarah writes about going out to lunch with Maurice for the first time since they separated. Sarah says that she wanted to ask Maurice about Henry because Henry’s behavior is leading her to believe that he’s worried about her—something that would be odd because there’s genuinely nothing for him to worry about anymore. She says that Maurice tried to hurt her during their lunch and “succeeded because he was really hurting himself.” Sarah wonders if she “broke[] that old promise” by going out for lunch with Maurice, but writes that she doesn’t think she did.

On February 3, 1946 Sarah says that she saw Maurice walking to the Pontefract Arms but that he didn’t see her. Sarah writes that she had been at Richard’s, trying to understand his arguments but instead gaining an increased sense of belief in God. Sarah wonders if anyone could really be “so serious, so argumentative” if what they were talking about wasn’t real. She says that she first went to see Richard to see if he could make her believe that God didn’t exists, but he had only made her believe in God more. Returning to describing seeing Maurice, Sarah says she followed him to the bar and told God that if Maurice saw her then she would go in. However, Sarah writes, Maurice didn’t see her and so she kept walking.

In the same entry, Sarah writes that her thoughts turned to how happy she could make Maurice, which led to the decision to return to her house, pack her bags, write a goodbye letter to Henry, and then call Maurice to tell him that she was coming “for tonight and all the other nights.” Sarah writes that she can do this without fear of long-term bitterness from Henry because he is so polite and will understand. Sarah writes about returning to her house and writing the letter to Henry but notes that she struggled with how to end it because “God bless you […] sounded smug.” Having done this, Sarah went down the stairs to put the letter somewhere Henry would be able to find it. Just then, however, Henry walked in the door.

In the same entry, Sarah says Henry told her that he had been to lunch with Bendrix and then abruptly said, “I love you […]. Do you know that?” Sarah writes that she “could have hated him” for saying that; it would have been better, according to Sarah, if Henry had gotten angry because his “anger would set [her] free.” Sarah records that she asked Henry what was wrong, and Henry tells her that he doesn’t think he’s been a very good husband, before going on to say that they don’t “do anything together.” Sarah told him that it was bound to happen most marriages, which was supposed to be her “escape line.” However, Henry deviated from the script and asked her to stay “a few more years.” Because she’d seen what it looked like when Henry was miserable, Sarah promised not to leave him, again giving up the hope of being with Maurice.

Back in her room, Sarah writes, she grabbed a “cheap ugly” crucifix she had bought and tried to think of a prayer “that wasn’t me, me, me.” Instead, Sarah tried to think about the “awful spots on Richard’s cheek” and Henry’s tear-stained face. In her prayer, Sarah begged God to “Teach [her] to love” him and to alleviate Richard and Henry’s pain. 

On February 6, 1946 Sarah records a “terrible scene” she had with Richard. Richard noticed that Sarah was distracted and asked her, “What do you come here for?” Sarah told him it was to see him. At this, Richard got up from his chair and sat next to Sarah. According to Sarah, she knew that he was going to make a romantic advance on her. Richard asked Sarah to marry him, but she refused. Instead, Sarah told Richard about her belief in God and that Richard had talked her into that belief rather than out of it. Richard told Sarah that he could understand her love of God because of her beauty but questioned why he should love a God who had given him the spots on his cheek. In response, Sarah kissed Richard’s spotted cheek and then left. 

On February 10, 1946 Sarah writes to God: “Did I ever love Maurice as much before I loved You? Or was it really You I loved all the time?” Sarah writes that Maurice was on God’s side “without knowing it” and that Maurice, like God, had caused their separation. Sarah claims that from the beginning of her affair with Maurice, God “[was] there, teaching us to squander […] so that one day we might have nothing left except this love of You.” Sarah asks God to give Maurice her peace because “he needs it more.”

In Sarah’s final journal entry on February 12, 1946, she writes that although her last entry was full of “peace and quiet and love,” she has had a dream about Maurice and is no longer at peace. Instead, Sarah says she just wants Maurice like she did before. She writes that she wants “ordinary corrupt human love” and asks God to take away her pain for a while.