The Great Automatic Grammatizator

When London newspaper magnate Sir William Turton died, his son, Basil, inherited his paper, The Turton Press. A wealthy bachelor, Basil was pursued by many women, but in the end, a foreign woman named Natalia swept him off his feet. Six years later, Lady Turton has become the true power behind The Turton Press, wielding significant political influence. The unnamed narrator recalls attending a dinner party one week ago where Lady Turton was present. Her beauty was striking—she carried herself like royalty—but the narrator couldn’t help noticing that her flared nostrils made her look somewhat like a horse.

At the dinner party, though he is seated next to her, the unnamed narrator doesn’t receive so much as a word from Lady Turton until the end of their meal. When he mentions his appreciation for art, she invites him to visit Basil’s collection of paintings and sculptures at their home. As a social columnist, the narrator jumps at the opportunity, eager for new material. Lady Turton is indifferent to when he visits, so he promptly declares he’ll come by the following Saturday and stay the night.

When the unnamed narrator arrives at the Turtons’ home—a grand estate dating back to the English Renaissance—he admires the elaborate topiary on the grounds, sculpted into humorous shapes like boots and pigeons. But as he steps inside, an unsettling atmosphere sets in. The house is beautiful, yet something about it “smells wrong.” Jelks, the butler, visits the narrator’s room to ensure he has everything he needs but then lingers oddly. He brings up the matter of tipping, explaining that he finds it uncomfortable. Not only does he not expect the Turtons’ guests to tip him, but he also doesn’t want them to. Instead, he makes an unusual request: he asks for 33.3% of the narrator’s winnings from any card games played during his stay.

Though he is taken aback by Jelks’s boldness, the unnamed narrator doesn’t refuse the offer outright. He attempts to negotiate a lower percentage but fails and ultimately agrees to the original offer, knowing that if he loses, he owes Jelks nothing. It seems a harmless gamble. As Jelks turns to leave, he offers a parting piece of advice: Lady Turton tends to overbid on weak hands. The narrator finds this poor sportsmanship distasteful and starts to object, but Jelks smoothly apologizes and mentions that Lady Turton and her guests will be gathering at seven. As Jelks says her name, the narrator catches a mocking, almost snide inflection in his voice.

Lady Turton greets the narrator—having forgotten she invited him—and introduces her two guests, Carmen La Rosa and Major Jack Haddock. The unnamed narrator has written about Haddock, a prominent figure in London society, but has never met him in person—and doesn’t particularly care to. Sir Basil Turton, small and mild-mannered, emerges from behind his wife, warmly welcoming the narrator and pulling him aside for a private conversation about art. Meanwhile, at dinner, Lady Turton and Haddock flirt openly, with Basil quietly observing but saying nothing. Carmen La Rosa, who is just as eager for Lady Turton’s attention and affection, competes with Haddock for her favor, though most of it remains fixed on him.

After the meal, Lady Turton and Haddock partner up for cards against the unnamed narrator and La Rosa, while Basil reads quietly on the couch. Around 11 o’clock, Lady Turton suggests that both Basil and Jelks retire for the night. Eager to please his wife, Basil complies. The  narrator notices that while Jelks seems fond of Basil, he doesn’t appreciate Lady Turton giving him orders. The narrator soon heads to bed as well. The next morning, Basil takes the narrator on a walk around the grounds to admire the exquisite sculptures his family has collected over the years.

As the men sit by a pond to rest and begin chatting about the history of the Turton estate, the unnamed narrator notices two people in the distance—Lady Turton and Major Haddock—laughing together and seemingly mocking one of the wooden statues. The narrator watches on as Lady Turton playfully pokes her head through a hole in the sculpture while Haddock snaps a photo and kisses her. Suddenly, Basil notices them too, and the men become distracted. As they watch Lady Turton struggling to free her head from the hole, Basil flatly suggests they go help her.

When they approach, Haddock quickly urges Basil to break the statue to free his wife. Lady Turton, furious, demands immediate action. Jelks arrives just then, offering his assistance. At Basil’s request, the butler retrieves both a saw and an axe, subtly presenting the axe slightly closer to Basil, as if encouraging him to take it—and Basil does. The unnamed narrator shuts his eyes. When he opens them, Lady Turton’s face has gone grey, her mouth making a strained, gurgling sound. Basil, as if snapping back to himself, hands the axe back to Jelks and takes the saw instead. The narrator catches a fleeting glimpse of something unexpected—perhaps joy—flicker across Basil’s face.