Me Talk Pretty One Day

Sedaris’s father, Lou, loves jazz. He works at IBM as an engineer, but Sedaris has always thought he might have made an excellent musician in another life. Every evening, he comes home from work and listens to his record collection, forcing Sedaris to sit with him and listen closely to the jazz greats. No matter what Sedaris says, his father always thinks his son isn’t listening hard enough or appreciating the music as much as he should be. The Sedaris family now lives in North Carolina, but they used to live in New York State, allowing Lou to make trips to New York City to hear jazz legends at storied venues. When IBM relocated him, he was appalled at the idea of living in a place like North Carolina, which he felt lacked culture. These days, he’s forced to express his appreciation for jazz through his record collection.

One night, Lou takes Sedaris and his sisters Lisa and Gretchen to the nearby university to see a concert by the jazz pianist Dave Brubeck. Brubeck is, at the time, playing in a jazz combo with his sons, and this gives Lou an idea: the Sedaris siblings should start a band. He is extremely excited about this after the show, and by the time the family gets home, it’s clear there’ll be no stopping him from pursuing it—despite the fact that neither Sedaris nor his siblings want to play music. The only interest Sedaris has in music is his dream of singing commercial jingles in the style of Billie Holiday, beautifully singing about cigarettes or other products. However, he and his sisters go along with their father’s idea because they have no other choice. 

Lou buys a baby grand piano and signs Gretchen up for piano lessons even though she’s never voiced an interest in the piano. He then buys Lisa a flute and signs her up for flute lessons. Finally, he gives Sedaris his instrument. “Hold on to your hat,” he says, “because here’s that guitar you’ve always wanted.” Hearing this, Sedaris is convinced that his father has confused him for somebody else. He has never asked for a guitar, though he has asked repeatedly for a “brand-name vacuum cleaner.” The guitar, on the other hand, is completely unappealing to him, even in a visual sense, since it doesn’t go with the strict nautical theme of his bedroom. Nonetheless, his father signs him up for guitar lessons and drops him off for his first session at a nearby mall, driving away as Sedaris yells that he doesn’t want to play guitar.

Inside the music store, Sedaris meets his guitar teacher, a little person named Mr. Mancini. Sedaris is fascinated by Mr. Mancini, whom he thinks of as a “midget.” Mr. Mancini is a sharp dresser, and twelve-year-old Sedaris is instantly intrigued by him, paying more attention to his height and physical proportions than to the task of learning guitar. Mr. Mancini notices Sedaris’s fascination and doesn’t like it, though he says nothing. Instead, he lights a cigarette and explains that he learned to play guitar during just one summer in Atlanta, Georgia, which he refers to as “Hotlanta G.A.” He says that there are countless attractive women in Atlanta and starts talking about a woman named Beth, after whom he named his guitar. 

Mr. Mancini tells Sedaris it’d be helpful if he named his guitar, so Sedaris decides to call the instrument Oliver. This confounds Mr. Mancini, who says Sedaris should name his guitar after a girl. Sedaris, for his part, wants to call his guitar Oliver because that’s his hamster’s name, but he follows Mr. Mancini’s instructions and says he’ll call his instrument Joan. What he doesn’t say, though, is that Joan is his cousin’s name. “So tell me about this Joan,” Mr. Mancini says. “Is she something pretty special?” Scrambling, Sedaris tries to describe Joan saying, “She’s tall and…” Suddenly, he feels awkward for talking about height, so he tries to back up by saying, “She’s small and has brown hair and everything.” In response, Mr. Mancini asks if Joan is “stacked,” but Sedaris doesn’t know how to answer because he’s recently realized that he never notices anyone’s breasts at all.

As Sedaris and his sisters continue their music lessons, their interest in learning their instruments doesn’t increase. On the rare occasion that they practice, the house fills with terrible sounds. Sedaris’s mother responds by turning up the radio, but his father raves about how fantastic it is to have a house full of musicians. Although his excitement almost seems like a form of “mania,” Sedaris notes, nobody could ever say that Lou Sedaris is unsupportive of his children.

Sedaris continues to see Mr. Mancini. His main interest is still on Mr. Mancini’s height and how he does everyday things like shave. Meanwhile, he doesn’t practice, prompting Mr. Mancini to give him advice like, “You need to believe you’re playing an actual woman,” adding that Sedaris should “grab her by the neck and make her holler.” This makes Sedaris quite uncomfortable, and he doesn’t understand why his sisters’ teachers don’t compare their instruments to boys. Fearing that sexual desire might actually lead to musical talent, he decides to stay away from Lisa’s flute, worrying that he would reveal himself as a prodigy. Instead of playing an instrument, he decides, he will devote himself to singing.

At the mall one day, Sedaris sees Mr. Mancini ordering food at a fast food restaurant. Nearby, a group of teenagers make fun of him, prompting Sedaris to feel protective of Mr. Mancini. Feeling sorry for Mr. Mancini and somewhat possessive of him, Sedaris thinks that if anybody should get to laugh at Mr. Mancini, it should be him, not these boys who don’t even know the man.

At his next lesson, Sedaris wears a tie and informs Mr. Mancini that he hasn’t practiced at all. He also admits that he named his guitar after his cousin and that he has no intention of ever learning the guitar. Instead, he says, he wants to sing like Billie Holiday, explaining that he wants to sing commercial jingles. He even has a routine already, he says, closing his eyes and launching into a bologna commercial that he often sings when he’s alone in his bedroom. When he finishes and opens his eyes, Mr. Mancini puts his hands up and says, “You can hold it right there. I’m not into that scene.” This confuses Sedaris, but Mancini continues, saying that there were “plenty of screwballs” like Sedaris in Atlanta but that he doesn’t “swing that way.” He then says, “For God’s sake, kid, pull yourself together.”

After his lesson, Sedaris tells Lou that Mr. Mancini said he should quit music because his fingers aren’t suitable for the guitar. This disappoints Lou, but he accepts the excuse. Taking a cue from their brother, Gretchen and Lisa give similar excuses, and though their father tries to tempt them with new instruments, they ignore him. When he tries to make them listen to a record he hopes will inspire them, Sedaris realizes that his own dreams of becoming a musician will never return, since he now associates music with Mr. Mancini telling him to pull himself together. As he and his sisters walk away from their father, he offers them each $5 to simply listen to the record he has chosen, but they pay him no attention, going to watch television with their mother instead. That night, Lou falls asleep listening records, dreaming as the music plays.