Me Talk Pretty One Day: The Late Show Summary & Analysis

Sedaris has recently stopped drinking, and though he has managed to embrace a sober lifestyle, there’s one thing that is especially difficult for him to do without taking any substances: sleep. He used to find it extremely easy to fall asleep—that is, if he drank seven beers and two scotches and then smoked marijuana. Without doing this, though, he lies in bed for hours at a time, tormented by his bedside clock. In order to help himself sleep, then, he has several longstanding fantasies that he thinks about, imagining himself in various absurd situations. The first is a fantasy he calls Mr. Science, in which he invents a “serum that causes trees to grow at ten times their normal rate.” This means people can plant a tree and reap its benefits in just one year. The science community is floored, and environmentalists celebrate Sedaris for his genius invention.

In the next portion of Mr. Science, Sedaris invents a cure for cancer. He receives the Nobel Prize but hardly sees it as a big deal. Later, he cures AIDS, then emphysema. Because death is no longer something to fear, people stop taking antidepressants. Sedaris also invents a kind of soap that makes people look like they’re 25 again—unless they’ve gotten plastic surgery. With the money from these inventions, he builds a spaceship and finds a new planet that is nearly identical to Earth but takes only 20 minutes to reach. Developers want to buy real estate on the planet, but Sedaris denies them, saying that “Planet Fuck You Up the Ass with a Sharp Stick” isn’t for everyone.

In The Knockout, Sedaris imagines he’s one fight away from becoming the heavyweight boxing world champion. He focuses on his physical features, picturing himself as ruggedly handsome. He’s also a former Yale medical student who got into boxing by accident when he randomly signed up for a boxing class and the teacher recognized his talent. Everyone loves him. Five days from the championship match, the public finds out he has a boyfriend. This boyfriend doesn’t necessarily look like Hugh, though he does share some similarities. In a pre-fight interview, Sedaris hesitantly answers questions about what it was like to come out, hating the term because he doesn’t like using “out” as a verb. Similarly, he tells “the gay press” that he won’t wear a rainbow flag on the day of the fight because he hates rainbows. Needless to say, he wins the fight.

In I’ve Got a Secret, Sedaris is an attractive intern at the White House who had an affair with the president. When the press finds out, all hell breaks loose. In the midst of all the attention, Sedaris stays inside and repaints the walls of his apartment. Eventually, though, officials come to the apartment and tell him he has to go to court and that he won’t go to jail if he cooperates. He doesn’t understand why he would go to jail for having sex with the president, but he goes to court wearing a fancy designer outfit and refuses to say a single word throughout the entire trial. He goes to jail for two years and then publishes a novel under a penname. The novel is Lolita, which hasn’t—in the fantasy—been written yet. It is widely celebrated.