A Little Life

Over the Christmas holiday, JB decides that Willem and Jude should host a New Year’s Eve party. They always spend Christmas together, and four years ago, they added a Thanksgiving celebration at Jude’s friends Harold and Julia’s house in Cambridge. New Years, though, has never had an assigned host. Last year was the first post-college New Year’s they spent apart, and everyone hated it.

Willem returns home the night before the party and smells the rich scent of cheese and butter and dough. He feels sad looking at all the exquisite shortbreads and pastries Jude has labored over. He knows their guests will knock them back with swigs of beer, not appreciating Jude’s hard work. When Willem retires to the bedroom, Jude is there, already sleeping.

No sooner has Willem fallen asleep than he wakes up to Jude calling his name. “Willem, I’m sorry,” Jude says. Then he calmly explains that he accidentally cut himself, and he asks Willem to take him to Andy’s. Willem is still half asleep, but he agrees. They walk outside and Willem heads toward the subway. But Jude explains that they’ll probably need a cab. Willem asks about the towel Jude has wrapped around his arm, but Jude only shrugs. Willem is concerned when he notices that Jude’s lips have grown pale. 

They reach Andy’s office on Seventy-eighth and Park. Andy is eight years older than Willem and Willem has known him since his sophomore year, when Jude had a pain episode so sustained that he’d decided to take Jude to the university-affiliated hospital. Andy was the resident on call. He’s been the only doctor Jude has agreed to see. Though Andy is an orthopedic surgeon, he treats Jude for all kinds of maladies.

Once inside, Willem can see that blood has soaked through Jude’s shirt and through the towel. “I’m sorry,” Jude says to Andy, who unwraps the towel to reveal—to Willem’s horror—a gaping wound in Jude’s arm that looks like a mouth “vomiting blood from it.” Willem sits in the waiting room while Andy tends to Jude. After an hour or so, Andy calls Willem’s name, and Willem heads to the examination room. Blood is everywhere.

Andy tells Willem he can take Jude home now, but he’s clearly angry. He orders Jude to leave the room, and Jude exits obediently. Then, Andy turns to Willem and asks if Jude has seemed depressed lately, which catches Willem by surprise. He thinks Jude’s been normal; wouldn’t he have noticed if Jude wasn’t normal? Andy tells Willem that Jude cuts himself, which shocks Willem. Andy makes Willem promise to call him if Jude starts acting strangely in the future, and Willem agrees.

Willem and Jude take a cab back to Lispenard Street. When they arrive, Willem can see that Jude is about to clean up the bathroom. Willem orders Jude to go to bed, and for once, Jude obeys. He falls asleep instantly. Willem sits on his bed and stares at Jude. He calls out to him. When Jude doesn’t stir, Willem nudges him. Then he pushes up one of Jude’s sleeves to reveal rows of white scars, thick and raised, going all up his arm. Jude’s other arm is bandaged, but Willem knows he’ll find more scars there, too.

A while back, Malcolm had asked if the others noticed that Jude always wore long sleeves. Willem had, of course, but he forbade himself from wondering why. Malcolm explained that one of Flora’s friends would wear long sleeves all the time because she used to cut herself. Willem was quiet. He knew they all had an unspoken agreement that he’d be the friend responsible for Jude, so it was clear that Malcolm’s observation was his way of telling Willem be alert.

Willem avoided Jude for the next few days. Then one day, when Malcolm and JB left to pick up some lobsters for dinner, Willem asked Jude if he’d like to borrow one of Willem’s shirts since it was so hot out. Jude smiled “faintly, warningly,” at Willem and told him that it would be cold soon. Willem tried again, but Jude grew angry and refused to answer any of Willem’s questions. Jude started to ask a question, but Malcolm and JB returned before he could finish. Willem knew their return was a fortunate thing; he was sure that Jude was about to ask, “Why are you asking me this,” since Willem has always made a point of not prying into Jude’s secrets. 

Four years ago, Willem and JB were sharing an apartment as they attended graduate school. Jude had stayed behind in Boston for law school, but he came to New York to visit. One day, Willem noticed that the bathroom door was locked and frantically started pounding on it. Jude opened the door and asked, annoyed, “What, Willem?” Willem knew something was wrong—the bathroom smelled “tannic”—but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. And he still can’t.

Back in the present, as he observes Jude, Willem wonders if tonight would have happened if he’d said or done something all those times in the past. He resolves to say something this time. The next morning, Willem wakes up and finds Jude in the kitchen, calmly molding pastries. Willem asks what Jude’s doing, and Jude replies, calmly, that he’s redoing the gougères. Willem says nobody will know the difference, then he asks Jude what he was doing yesterday. Jude quietly apologizes and pleads with Willem not to be mad at him.

Years later, Willem will wonder how things would have been if he’d asked Jude, point blank, “Jude, are you trying to kill yourself?” Would it have helped Jude to heal? But today, Willem doesn’t ask Jude anything. Instead, he assures Jude that he’s not mad, but he says they have to cancel the party. When Jude insists that they still hold the party, Willem gives in to him, which is what he always does.

Malcolm and JB show up at eight, and the kitchen fills with pastry smells as though Jude’s “accident” never happened. Willem isn’t in the mood to socialize, but he sulkily attends the party. JB makes the four of them go to the roof for some fresh air and a smoke, though it’s horribly cold outside. The cold air and glimmering lights of the city below them reminds Willem of the drives back from Hemming’s hospital bed, and he calls to the others to go back inside. But when Willem tries to open the door that leads to the stairwell, he finds that it’s locked. Nobody has a phone, and Jude doesn’t have his key. Instantly, Willem blames Jude for their current predicament, though he knows this is unfair.

Jude, Malcolm, JB, and Willem call and scream for help, but nobody hears them. Then Jude has an idea: his friends can lower him down to the fire escape, and he can break in through the bedroom window. The idea is too stupid for Willem to respond to it, but JB announces that it’s a great idea. Willem tries to convince Jude to let him do it, but the locking mechanism on the doors is broken, and only Jude knows how to open them. Jude insists that he be the one they lower to the window. 

JB, Malcolm, and Willem lower Jude as far as they can, and then Jude pushes himself off the ledge. They hear a loud thud, and then Jude calls out to them that he’s okay—he’s landed on the fire escape. Willem orders the others to lower him, too, and they do. Willem drops down to the fire escape, and the fall is harder and scarier than he’d thought. Willem and Jude navigate through the window together. When at least they make it inside, the warmth is intoxicating. Then Willem looks down at Jude’s bandage and sees that it’s bloodstained. Jude insists that Willem leave to retrieve the others. Willem wants to cry and tries to stay with Jude, but Jude insists that Willem leave. Willem obeys.