A Little Life: Part 4: The Axiom of Equality: Chapter 1 Summary & Analysis

Interestingly, the central characters cycle through various romantic relationships, yet their partners remain largely nondescript and superficial. With this, the novel stresses the importance and depth of the characters’ relationships with one another, in particular as it compares to the relative superficiality that dominates their romantic affairs. This upends Western society’s tendency to value romantic relationships over friendships. Also note that JB’s latest affront seems to have had a more lasting effect on his relationship with Jude and Willem—they’ll be civil around JB, but it seems a distinct possibility that they might never recover the friendship they once had.  

It says a lot that Jude seems to have reached his breaking point with JB’s abuse and cruelty. He’s forgiven JB many times before, for many serious acts of betrayal. But mocking Jude’s limp was something Jude couldn’t forgive. Jude’s inability to forgive JB underscores how sensitive Jude is about his disability. He tries to hide it from his friends, not wanting to draw attention to all the ways his past has made him different (and, in Jude’s mind, lesser). And in mocking the limp, JB showed Jude that Jude’s efforts at concealment have been in vain: even something as simple as the way Jude walks betrays all the ways he’s different and (in Jude’s mind) damaged.

It's curious that Willem seems to take JB’s latest cruelty harder than Jude. Perhaps this can be attributed to Willem’s loyalties to Jude and his late brother, Hemming, who also struggled with severe mobility issues. JB’s stunt made a mockery not only of Jude’s condition, but also human suffering in general, reducing the pain that Jude (and Hemming) lives with every day to a spectacle and a joke. So, not only does Willem’s lasting feud with JB signal his loyalty to Jude, but it also shows how seriously Willem empathizes with people who are in pain.

It's in keeping with Jude’s self-effacing, self-hating personality that he finds a way to redirect anger at JB back toward himself. But JB’s cruel stunt plays on all Jude’s worst insecurities: that he is deformed and worthy of ridicule. And when JB mocked Jude’s limp, it showed Jude that no matter how much inner work he does, or how successful he becomes, or how many years past, the physical markings of his childhood trauma will always be there. Symbolically, this suggests that Jude will carry his trauma with him forever—that he will never fully recover from it.

With starring roles in two major films, it’s clear that Willem has steadily made his way through the ranks to become a successful and sought-after actor. The “Last Supper” tradition also shows that Willem and Jude have remained close over the years despite their respective busy working lives. Another important detail in this passage is Willem’s strategy to keep Jude in check—without explicitly saying so. It speaks to how well Willem knows Jude that he’s devised this strategy, which spares Jude the humiliation of Willem pitying him. Willem respects Jude’s boundaries, acknowledging that Jude has reasons for being touchy about his disability that Willem doesn’t know about. 

Jude’s amused response to Clara’s apparent attraction to him reveals his extremely low self-esteem: it’s literally laughable to him to think that any person in their right mind would find him attractive, because he finds himself utterly repulsive. Of course, readers know that this is objectively untrue—JB finds Jude beautiful enough to feature in many of his paintings. So, this raises the question of how Jude came to think so little of himself physically. It could have something to do with his probable childhood abuse.

Willem is so in-touch with Jude’s boundaries—he knows what subjects are off limits for Jude, and he knows enough not to broach them—and yet there’s so much Jude hides from Willem. Jude’s admission that he wasn’t made for romantic relationships is curious. Presumably, something happened to Jude that has given him poor self-esteem and made it difficult to open up to others, and this is to blame for his failure to connect with anyone romantically. And yet, Jude frames his love trouble as a personal failing—as something he was born with, a symptom of a debased soul. 

Jude wants to leave because Willem has crossed a boundary by urging Jude to talk about his intimacy issues and low self-esteem. Earlier, the novel showed that JB and Jude both engage in self-destructive behavior, but Jude’s behavior (unlike JB’s) rarely inflicts pain on others. In this scene, though, the novel shows that this isn’t quite true: Jude’s secrecy hurts Willem. Jude’s secrecy suggests to Willem that Jude doesn’t trust him, and this is likely painful for Willem, since he sees it as a personal failure that he can’t break through Jude’s protective shield.

Jude seems to believe that his status as a single 40-year-old is as shameful and humiliating as his disability. He believes these things give the impression that there’s something wrong with him. Also note two cryptic details about Jude’s past that Jude lets slip here: he recalls lying beside Brother Luke in a motel room and running away from home. The Brother Luke remark is troubling and suggests that Brother Luke, who Jude once considered his savior, ends up abusing Jude just like the other monks.

Jude’s desire for a romantic relationship gets at the human need for companionship to lessen the sting of daily life. The novel holds that suffering is unavoidable on this earth, and nothing—not even love—is enough to banish suffering. But building connections with others does lessen the pain of living, and Jude, whom life has dealt a particularly rough hand, longs to alleviate some of his suffering. Also note Jude’s remark about not having sex with anyone since he was 15. All of Jude’s sexual encounters happened when he was legally a minor—a child—and this explains why it’s so impossible for him to feel comfortable in his skin and be vulnerable around people. He’s been violated so many times before and betrayed by adults who were supposed to protect him.

So far, the novel has revealed that monks sexually assaulted Jude at the monastery. This passage, with Jude’s mention of a client, suggests that Jude was forced into human trafficking at some point in his past as well. And it’s clear that the trauma of this experience continues to haunt Jude, who seems unable to separate himself from the disgust he felt when clients forced themselves on him. This, in turn, has drastically compromised Jude’s ability to connect with others—physically and emotionally.

Again, devoid of cultural references and nods to specific years, the novel includes only sparse details, such as Felix’s path into adulthood, to mark the passage of time. This technique prompts the reader to compare the changes others undergo to Jude’s relative lack of development. Felix blossoms from a shy, friendless young boy into a member of raucous punk band. Meanwhile, Jude remains as suffering and alone as ever.

As has been the case for much of the novel, apartments (and houses) are a place people gather together to socialize and share in a sense of community. Jude’s thoughts on how his adulthood differs from his childhood shows, perhaps, that he is deluding himself about his unresolved trauma. His circumstances are no doubt different. But the abuse Jude suffered as a child continues to affect his life in a myriad of ways, from his struggles with intimacy to his ferocious self-hatred. 

Finally, with Caleb, Jude is showing signs that he’s ready to take on an intimate relationship. Jude’s terrified response to Caleb asking him to dinner is concerning, though, and reflects Jude’s perspective that he’s unworthy of others’ attention. It’s clear that Jude’s low self-esteem and struggles with intimacy are still very strong forces that shape his life, so the question becomes: will Jude be able to handle all that a potential relationship with Caleb might ask of him?

Jude and Caleb’s date isn’t off to a great start. Caleb recognizes Jude from one of JB’s paintings (which Jude doesn’t like, since the paintings depict him looking vulnerable and exposed), and this alone makes the playing field uneven. Then, there’s the matter that Jude hadn’t realized it was a date in the first place: he assumed it was a business meeting. This misunderstanding reflects Jude’s low self-esteem, as it hadn’t even occurred to him that Caleb would be interested in him romantically. Still, maybe Caleb’s interest will be enough to encourage Jude to push on and pursue an intimate relationship.

A single kiss sends Jude back to his traumatic past—to whatever happened with Brother Luke—and with this, it’s clear that this relationship with Caleb won’t go well. Jude is still struggling with unresolved trauma related to his abusive childhood, a fact that’s evidenced by Jude’s instinct to “relax and do nothing” when Caleb touches him, just as Jude had done at Brother Luke’s command. Meanwhile, Jude’s crippling self-doubt—another effect of his childhood trauma—makes him feel that he’s so unlovable the chance at a relationship might not happen again for him, and so he seems prepared to dive headfirst into a romance with Caleb—even though he clearly has reservations about doing so. 

The fact that Jude hasn’t spoken to his friends much the past few months suggests, perhaps, that Jude uses work to hide from issues in his personal life. Or in the very least, that his professional life and personal life do not overlap. Again, this reinforces the idea that a person’s professional success doesn’t necessarily correspond with—and can actually act against—a person’s sense of happiness and personal fulfillment. Also note the many red flags that Caleb has raised in the handful of months that he and Jude have been seeing each other. Caleb disrespects Jude and seems disgusted by Jude’s disability.

Thus far, Jude’s self-harm injuries have acted as symbols of his shame and feelings of low self-worth. Here, Jude’s wheelchair (and Caleb’s disgusted, angry reaction to it) starts to carry a similar meaning. Caleb’s disgusted reaction upon learning that Jude sometimes needs a wheelchair reaffirms Jude’s fear that people judge and look down upon him for his disability. Thus, the wheelchair becomes a symbol for Jude’s hang-ups about his disability, and his inability to accept it.

Caleb makes it clear that he will not accept Jude when Jude is in his wheelchair. By extension, then, Caleb shows Jude that Jude’s disability makes him undesirable and unworthy of love and respect. In Caleb, Jude’s worst fears become suddenly more valid than ever before: Caleb shows Jude that Jude is just as deformed and unimportant as Jude has always feared he is. However successful or socially well-adjusted as Jude may become, his disability—something he has no power to change—means he can’t fully reinvent himself or leave his past behind. 

Caleb’s explanation about his parents seems like a stretch—it’s more likely that he’s simply using this as an excuse to belittle and abuse Jude. At the same time, though, Caleb’s explanation underscores how a person’s past—their childhood, the experiences that shaped them—can have a major impact on the person that they become. Caleb’s insistence that Jude is weak for using his chair when Jude can technically walk redirects blame away from Caleb (for being cruel and dismissive of Jude’s pain) and toward Jude (for being weak and “embarrass[ing.]”) Caleb’s position assumes that Jude can control his pain level, when in fact Jude’s disability is neither within Jude’s ability to control, nor anything to be embarrassed about. But Jude, who has spent his life learning to see himself as different and lesser due to his disability, accepts Caleb’s biased opinion as objective fact.

Jude, in calling Caleb interesting and a good listener, is making excuses for Caleb, suggesting that this positive attributes outweigh Caleb’s verbal abuse. This makes it clear that Jude’s low self-esteem and unresolved trauma lead him to believe that he doesn’t deserve respect or good treatment that other people would expect in a romantic relationship. Also, this scene reaffirms how Jude’s problems with physical intimacy haven’t faded over time. His childhood sexual abuse hasn’t healed, though it’s not clear if these psychological wounds are incapable of healing, or if Jude simply hasn’t received the therapy or treatment that could help him to heal. 

This passage reveals that Jude and Caleb’s relationship is even worse than it initially seemed: not only does Caleb emotionally abuse Jude, but he physically abuses him, as well. Jude, who is predisposed to blame himself and feel ashamed of his disability, can’t bring himself to blame Caleb for Caleb’s abuse. Instead, he blames himself. This latter point is made clear in Jude’s focus on the mess he made of Caleb’s carpet when he spilled the green curry. But Jude is too traumatized and self-hating to explicitly acknowledge that Caleb’s abuse isn’t his fault. 

Jude’s exact reasons for lying to Andy aren’t known, but readers can surmise that he lies for the same reason he hides his self-harm and past from everyone in his life: out of shame. He’s ashamed to come clean about his abusive relationship because he feels that abuse is his fault. That Jude’s cutting has grown worse since he’s started seeing Caleb lends additional credence to this theory, since Jude’s self-harm is both a reflection of his unresolved trauma and internalized shame, as well as a source of additional trauma and shame.

Jude’s unresolved trauma and abuse leads him to devalue himself. He accepts Caleb’s abuse because he doesn’t believe that he deserves respect and compassion, and Caleb’s abuse, Jude feels, is punishment for Jude’s momentarily lapse in judgement in thinking he deserved respect and compassion. In this way, enduring Caleb’s abuse functions as yet another act of self-harm: it’s something Jude endures to punish himself for being (he believes) disgusting and unworthy, and then the abuse just makes Jude feel more disgusting and more unworthy, which makes him continue to seek out and endure more abuse. It’s a vicious cycle of pain and degradation and shame.

Jude’s refusal to use his chair—even when he knows he needs it—reveals more about how Jude regards relationships more broadly. He feels he has to earn other’s affection and that all love is conditional and subject to change, should he disappoint or let down the other person. If he grabs his wheelchair, he disappoints Caleb and, with his logic, deserves whatever cruelty and abuse Caleb hurls his way. Though much of the specifics of Jude’s childhood abuse remain unknown at this point, it’s highly plausible to guess that Jude, through years of abuse, learned not to expect good, fair treatment from others; instead, he learned that good treatment and love would only be given to him when he earned it.

Jude obeys Caleb (instead of listening to his own body) because he feels he needs to earn Caleb’s love and respect, and he won’t earn Caleb’s love if he caves and uses his chair. That Jude yields to Caleb instead of his body’s needs shows how Jude’s unresolved trauma and self-hatred causes him to devalue himself and place others’ needs over his own.

When, in the future, Jude asks himself why he made himself walk to the sink even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it, it’s further evidence that he blames himself—and feels deserving of—Caleb’s abuse. In reality, Caleb doesn’t beat Jude because of anything Jude does or doesn’t do: he beats Jude because he’s an abuser. But Jude’s self-esteem and shame is so overpowering that he can’t see things from this objective perspective, and so he blames himself.

Jude wants Willem to help and comfort him, but he’s perhaps too ashamed of the abuse he suffers to confide in Willem. Jude is dealing with the abuse he endures as an adult exactly the way he deals with the abuse he endured as a child: he feels responsible for what has happened to him, and so he tells no one out of shame. This, in turn, makes it impossible for Jude to heal.

Jude continues to lie to his loved ones about the source of his injuries. Just as Jude hides his self-harm scars from the world, he hides his abusive relationship from the world, since both of these, Jude thinks, will give people reason to be disgusted by or look down on him. Confiding in one’s friends can be a source of healing, but Jude is too ashamed and self-hating to confide in his friends and give himself the chance to heal.

This isn’t the first time Andy has expressed that Jude’s injuries—regardless of how they got there—aren’t Jude’s fault. But Jude can’t accept this. This scene also gives additional insight into the obligation Andy feels—as a doctor and as a friend—to heal Jude. He feels that Jude has the capacity to heal, and so, as a doctor, it’s his fault for not finding the right way to “fix” Jude. Whether or not Jude can be fixed, though, remains unclear.

Caleb’s insult that Jude is “a cripple” and not “a normal son” turns one of Jude’s greatest fears (that Harold will see Jude for the damaged person Jude believes he really is and abandon him) into reality. This, of course, is nonsense—Harold’s angry response to Caleb makes this clear. But Jude’s self-worth is so damaged from years of unresolved trauma and abuse that he can’t assess the situation clearly, and so Harold’s angry response isn’t a comfort to him. 

Jude can’t seem to consider his relationship with Harold apart from his shame and self-hatred. He can’t see Harold’s angry reaction to Caleb as a positive thing—as Harold defending Jude against Caleb’s abuse. Instead, Jude only sees Harold’s anger as yet another source of shame and humiliation: he’s ashamed and mortified that Harold sees him as someone pitiful who needs to be defended. The book thus far has shown that friendship (and companionship more broadly) can be a great source of comfort in an often cruel, difficult world. But Jude’s inability to accept Harold’s comfort shows that there are limitations to what friendship can do.

That Jude apologizes to Caleb when Caleb is the one presently hurting Jude shows how instinctively Jude accepts that everything bad that happens to him is his own fault. It’s as though he’s suggesting that his being or looking a certain way has given Caleb justification for abusing him. This is, of course, untrue—abuse is never the victim’s fault—but Jude’s unresolved trauma has left Jude unable to see himself and the abuse he continues to endure through an objective lens.

Jude bought this apartment for a practical reason—to ensure that he has a place suited to his limited mobility. But the apartment also symbolized his efforts to reinvent himself and move forward from his unresolved childhood trauma. He strove to become a new, successful, normal person—or at least, to project that image to the world—and the apartment was part of that image. And now, when Caleb intrudes on that sanctuary, it proves to Jude that all this has been a ruse: that he’s still the fragile and broken person he’s been since childhood, and something as superficial as a new apartment doesn’t change that.

Up to this point, Jude’s story has been one of struggle, but also one of possible recovery. He suffers the pain of his unresolved childhood trauma, yet his relationships with his close friends remain constant (for the most part) and he continues to advance in his career. Now, as Jude suffers the worst of Caleb’s abuse, and as he considers Dr. Kashen’s remarks about the axiom of equality, it’s as though he’s decided to give up: to accept that he’ll always be the same broken, traumatized person (“x = x”) and that recovery is impossible.