A Little Life: Part 6: Dear Comrade: Chapter 1 Summary & Analysis

One of Willem’s first starring roles was in an adaptation of the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, Life After Death. This year is the 20th anniversary of Life After Death, and Jude is shocked when he walks outside and sees Willem’s young face plastered all over the sides of buildings and bus shelters. Jude planned to go walking, but he turns around and goes inside. Jude receives an invitation from MoMA to speak on a panel after a screening of the film. They apparently invited him once before, but he doesn’t remember. Then again, he doesn’t remember a lot of things these days. 

Before Jude goes to bed that night, he goes to Willem’s side of the closet. All his clothes are still there. Jude grabs a shirt Willem used to wear in the spring and ties the sleeves around his front. He pretends the sleeves are Willem’s arms embracing him, and then he climbs into bed. Sometimes, he pulls down the shirt’s collar so that he can smell Willem’s scent, but the scent grows fainter every day.

It’s taken months for Jude to figure out how to survive. For a while, he watches all of Willem’s movies. But Willem’s acting is so different than the way he was in life. Next, Jude tries pretending that Willem is just away filming. This is hard to sustain, though, since Jude and Willem were always in contact whenever Willem was away. Jude is glad he still has all of Willem’s old e-mails. For a while, he reads them and pretends he’s just received them.  Next, Jude creates a fantasy where Willem is shooting a spy movie funded by a Russian billionaire and actually filmed in space, which make it impossible for Willem to call or text or email. The fantasy is ridiculous, but it’s just plausible enough for Jude to believe it. He names the movie Dear Comrade, because Willem addressed some of their emails this way when he was shooting a spy trilogy.

Jude was only able to face the reality of Willem’s absence last November. He remembers hardly anything of the preceding months, and very little of the night Willem died. He remembers tearing leaves of basil into the bowl of pasta salad. It was getting late, but Willem liked to take back roads. After a while, he called JB to ask if Willem, Malcolm, or Sophie had contacted him. JB prattled on about his breakup. He assured Jude that everything was fine—that they’d be there soon. Jude called Willem’s phone, then Malcolm’s, then Sophie’s. He called JB again. Then the doorbell rang. It was the police, and when they removed their hats, Jude understood.

Everything after this is a blur. Later, Jude learns that he identified Willem’s body by a mole on his calf—they didn’t let Jude see Willem’s face, which had been destroyed. Sophie died on impact. Malcolm was declared braindead, but his parents kept him on life support long enough to donate his organs. The driver who hit their car had been drunk. Jude returns to work at the end of September. He’s glad he has practical matters to take on: he sues the car manufacturer and the rental company. He sues the drunk driver. When he learns that the driver has a terminally ill child, and that the suit will bankrupt the family, he does not care. He wants everything destroyed. He doesn’t even care about the money.

In November, Harold calls Jude and asks about Thanksgiving. Jude tries to get out of it, but Harold says he shouldn’t spend the holiday alone, so they go to London and have a terrible time. Then, they return. In December, Jude wakes up and realizes that Willem is gone, and that he will never see him again. He cries for the first time since Willem’s death. He doesn’t know how he’ll go on. The entire life he built after his early traumas had Willem in it. Harold insists that things will get better, but Jude knows they won’t.

Jude starts staying at the office until sunrise. He takes pills to stay awake, and other pills to sleep. On good nights, he dreams of Willem. He knows that his friends are watching him, and that they are concerned. Even he is wondering why he hasn’t killed himself. For now, he lives in denial, though he knows that his fantasies will one day fade. In January, he has a dream about Willem but can’t hear Willem’s voice. He wakes up and scrolls through his computer until he finds a few of Willem’s old voice messages.

Another day, Jude goes through Willem’s old files in his study. He finds old photos of Willem with Hemming. Then, inside an accordion file, Jude finds all the birthday cards he has ever given Willem, and every email he has ever sent him. There’s a card from Harold, sent just after Jude’s adoption. Jude has never bothered to document his life, but it turns out that he didn’t need to: Willem did it for him.

Jude recalls a time just after his surgery when he was still in recovery and tired all the time. Willem was lifting him out of bed, and Jude said he wished he could stay in bed forever. Willem asked Jude why he didn’t just quit, then. Was there any reason to work? Willem listed all the things Jude could do instead: he could play the piano, or volunteer, or go to shoots with Willem. They’d laughed together, but now, Jude wonders, why didn’t he quit? Why had he gone to Rosen Pritchard every day instead of enjoying those years together with Willem?

Jude heads home from work and checks his phone. There are texts from his friends. The last one is from JB. Jude hates JB. On some subconscious level, Jude blames JB for Willem’s death, though he knows this makes no sense. And though he hasn’t voiced his feelings aloud, he knows that JB can sense them. He’s seen JB only two times since Willem’s death. JB texts Jude twice a week to check in. Jude sends him the same generic message back (thanking him for caring, making an excuse about being busy, and promising to reach out soon), but Jude has no plans to reach out. Jude would trade JB for Willem. In fact, he’d trade any of any of his friends for Willem.

One Sunday in April, Jude wakes to the sound of banging at his door. Then Richard is by his side. Richard apologizes, then he explains that Jude hadn’t been answering his phone, so he thought he’d check in. He asks Jude to have dinner with him downstairs. Jude tries to make excuses, but Richard insists.

Downstairs, Richard refuses to let Jude help with the cooking. Jude sits alone at the table as Richard cooks. Richard pours them both a glass of wine, then he wishes Jude a happy birthday. Jude hadn’t realized it was his birthday; he’s 51. Richard tells Jude he loves him, though he knows it won’t help. Jude breaks down and cries. He used to be too embarrassed to cry, but now, he’ll cry in front of anybody. Jude and Richard eat dinner and then dessert. Jude is relieved when Richard tells him he can go back upstairs. He hasn’t socialized in so long, and he’s exhausted. Then Richard hands Jude a package and tells him that Willem wouldn’t want to see him so unhappy. Before Jude leaves, Richard encourages him to call JB—JB might not have loved Willem the way Jude did, but he's grieving him (and Malcolm) too.

Jude returns to his apartment and unwraps Richard’s present. He nearly cries when he sees a bust of Willem carved out of wood. Next, Jude opens the box of things that Malcolm willed to him. Flora sent it over weeks ago, but he hasn’t been able to open it. Inside is a model of Lantern House, along with Malcolm’s other designs. Next, there’s an envelope of old photos from college. The last item is most special of all: a scale model of Lispenard Street. In retrospect, those years weren’t very special. But at the time, it seemed like life couldn’t be better. Sometimes, Jude and Willem would imagine what life would’ve been like if they’d never left—if they’d never moved forward in their careers, in their friendships, in their lives. Jude sits in silence for a while. Then he turns on his phone and calls JB.