Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in How to Win Friends and Influence People, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness
Importance and Humility
Positivity vs. Negativity
Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery
Summary
Analysis
The best way to get anybody to do anything is to make the other person want to do it. Any other tactic—like threatening someone or punishing them—will just cause resentment. Most people want simple things: health, food, sleep, money, sexual gratification, their children’s well-being, and a feeling of importance. The last of these is the most crucial, because it is the one that most often goes unfulfilled. John Dewey, an American philosopher, wrote that this desire to be important is an unfaltering human hunger, and one of the key distinctions between humans and animals.
While Chapter 2 transitions to discussing people’s desire for importance, it also ties up the points from Chapter 1 by reinforcing how criticism and punishment don’t work. Instead, it’s better to spur people to want to do something. One of the things that people generally want is self-importance. This, Carnegie suggests, is another aspect of human nature that is crucial to understand in order to be an effective leader.
Themes
This desire to be important led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery store clerk to study law books—the clerk was named Abraham Lincoln. This desire spurred Charles Dickens to write, John D. Rockefeller to make millions, and average people want to talk about their brilliant children. Carnegie writes that how a person gets their feeling of importance is one of the most significant things about them—whether it’s through charity work like Rockefeller or by being a bank robber like Dillinger.
Here, the book illustrates that all people want importance, even if they might get their feelings of importance in different ways. This is a critical idea to understand, because people who are able to make others feel important—something everyone wants—can become very influential and successful as a result.
Themes
There are many examples of famous figures struggling for feelings of importance, like Christopher Columbus asking for the title “Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of India,” or Mrs. McKinley insisting that her husband remain with her each night while she fell asleep. Carnegie posits that some people even go insane in order to find a feeling of importance in their mind that they are unable to achieve in reality.
Although there isn’t concrete evidence to support Carnegie’s claim about insanity, his other examples effectively illustrate the idea that people need to feel important. In these cases, Columbus and Mrs. McKinley deeply yearn for other people’s recognition.
Themes
Because importance is so crucial for people, being able to give other people that honest appreciation and a feeling of importance goes a long way in winning people over. One of the first people to earn a salary of over a million dollars was Charles Schwab, the first president of the U.S. Steel Company. Schwab was paid this salary because of his ability to deal with people, and he tells Carnegie that his greatest asset is to arouse enthusiasm among his employees. Criticism only kills ambition, and so he praises others instead. Sincere appreciation is a secret skill of many captains of industry.
Here, Carnegie emphasizes that people who are able to give others a sense of importance can be hugely influential. Moreover, he introduces the idea that expressing sincere appreciation is a way of making others feel important. Schwab is an example of someone who achieved great success in part because he made others feel important and appreciated. His story also reinforcing Carnegie’s earlier point that positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement.
Themes
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Lack of appreciation can be detrimental—a study found that it was the main reason why wives leave their husbands. One of Carnegie’s students told a story about his wife, who asked him to give her six ways she could improve as a wife. Instead, the next day he sent her six roses with a note that he couldn’t think of six things to change about her—and when he arrived home, she was in tears of gratitude. Her friends later approached him to say that this was the most considerate thing they ever heard.
This study and anecdote both illustrate how important sincere appreciation is—to the point that a lack of it can completely destroy relationships. Moreover, the story from Carnegie’s student again illustrates how much more effective encouragement is than criticism. Whereas pointing out his wife’s faults may have hurt the student’s marriage (even though his wife asked him to do this), expressing his appreciation strengthened their relationship.
Themes
Florenz Ziegfeld, the most famous Broadway producer, gained his reputation by transforming girls into glamorous stars. He knew the value of appreciation and gave it in raises and flowers. While people know they can’t go very long without food, they often go extremely long periods without adulation, even though it’s something they crave almost as much.
Carnegie again emphasizes how crucial sincere appreciation is. It can be expressed in many different ways—for example, through money or gifts, as in Ziegfeld’s case. But the most important aspect of appreciation is that it is sincere, which involves investing time, effort, or even money.
Themes
Carnegie cites a story about a teacher in Detroit, who asked her blind student Stevie to help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom. Being blind had given him heightened hearing, and this was the first time that anyone showed appreciation for his ears. Years later, Stevie—who became R&B and pop star Stevie Wonder—said that this act of appreciation was the beginning of a new life, as it spurred him to hone that gift of hearing.
This story illustrates the enormous impact that positive feedback can have on people’s lives. Because the teacher appreciated Stevie’s superior hearing and encouraged him to hone this gift, he was able to become a music icon. In this way, Carnegie again emphasizes how influential a person who gives this sort of appreciation can be, to the point that they can literally transform another person’s life.
Themes
Some people might look cynically on flattery. Carnegie therefore makes a distinction between flattery and appreciation—flattery is “shallow, selfish, and insincere." While flattery can sometimes work, appreciation is far more effective because it is sincere and unselfish. Flattery is cheap praise—it is telling the other person exactly what they think about themselves. Carnegie writes that if all people had to do was flatter others, everyone would be experts in human relations.
Here, Carnegie introduces a distinction between appreciation and flattery in order to combat criticism that he is suggesting people be insincere. On the contrary, he argues that true appreciation can only come from a place of honesty and sincerity, whereas flattering others is doomed to fail and is exactly the kind of selfishness that he discourages.
Themes
Instead, Carnegie explains that if people stop thinking about themselves for a time and begin to think truly about another person’s good points, they wouldn’t have to resort to flattery. True appreciation, he writes, is one of the most neglected daily virtues. He recommends praising children when they first succeed in building a birdhouse; complimenting a chef for a good meal; and “leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.”
Carnegie again emphasizes that appreciation is honest and sincere, and the examples he gives demonstrate that the purpose of appreciation is simply to make others feel good. By leaving “sparks of gratitude” like complimenting a chef or praising children, the point is simply to make others feel better about themselves—which can make for a happier, more virtuous society as a whole.
Themes
A woman named Pam had to supervise the janitor in her company, who was doing such a bad job that the other employees would litter the hallways to show how poorly he was doing. Pam tried various ways to motivate him, but what worked the best was making a point to praise him for good work in front of others. Every subsequent day he got better, and soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Honest appreciation worked where criticism failed.
Here, Carnegie stresses the value of appreciation and illustrates how positive feedback works better than negative feedback. In this example, Pam’s encouragement and appreciation worked where the other employees’ criticism failed.
Themes
Carnegie quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” This quotation suggests that it’s important to figure out other people’s good points and to give them sincere appreciation for them. People will cherish those words for a lifetime, years after you have forgotten them.
Carnegie concludes by once again praising the value of appreciation. The quote from Emerson also emphasizes that people often crave feelings of importance—and if a person can stay humble and appreciate others for their abilities, that person can make others feel valued and important.
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