How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 1, Chapter 3 Summary & Analysis

Carnegie is personally fond of strawberries and cream—but when he goes fishing, he baits his hook with worms, because that’s what fish prefer. He writes that if we can do this with fish, we have to do the same with people. Rather than talking about what we want, the best way to influence people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

For example, to get children not to smoke, parents shouldn’t talk about what they want. They should mention the fact that cigarettes can keep kids from making the basketball team. In another example, Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son were trying to push a calf into their barn, but the calf refused to leave the pasture. Then, their housemaid let the calf suck on her finger as she gently led it into the barn. 

Every act arises from some kind of desire—even someone giving charitable contributions is doing so because they want to lend a helping hand or do something for others. So, the best way to influence people is to talk in terms of what they want.

Andrew Carnegie learned this idea early: his sister-in-law was worried that her sons at college weren’t writing back to her. So, Andrew wrote his nephews a letter, mentioning casually that he was sending each one a five-dollar bill—but he neglected to enclose the money. The replies came back immediately, thanking Andrew for his note and asking after the five dollars.

In another example, a boy named Tim was due to start kindergarten. But the night before, he protested that he would not go and threw a tantrum. Thinking about what might excite Tim about kindergarten, the rest of the family started to finger paint at their kitchen table. When Tim asked if he could join, they told him he had to go to kindergarten first to learn how to fingerpaint. That night, Tim slept in their living room chair, eager not to miss his first day.

When persuading someone to do something, it is important to ask what would make them want to do it. Each year, Carnegie rented a ballroom in a New York hotel for a series of lectures, and one year, the price nearly tripled. He wrote a letter to the hotel, explaining that he could not pay that much, and that they would lose his business. As a result, they would lose the crowds that the lectures attract—which is essentially free advertising for the hotel. The next day, Carnegie gets a letter back saying that the rent would only increase 50 percent rather than 300 percent—which he accomplished by talking only about the hotel, not himself. If he had been outraged and refused to pay, he would never have gotten what he wanted.

These ideas align with Henry Ford’s statement that the secret of success is to see things from other people’s point of view. Carnegie takes an example from an advertising agency that sent a letter to local radio stations explaining that it wanted to retain its position as a leader in radio advertising. The letter asked the radio station to put the agency on a preferred list, letting the ad agency know about what the radio station was doing. Carnegie points out that the radio stations didn’t care about the ad company, and the ad company clearly didn’t know how to influence people to do anything.

Carnegie gives another example of a letter from a superintendent of a large freight terminal, explaining that the operations at their station are being delayed because they are receiving too many deliveries in the afternoon, which causes delays. They ask companies who use the service to make an effort to get their trucks to the loading dock earlier—this would mean the products would be shipped on time. The problem with the letter is that what the companies are most interested in comes last.

Carnegie then rewrites the letter. In it, he explains that the terminal is grateful for the companies’ business and apologizes for delays. He then writes that these delays can be avoided if the companies make the truck deliveries earlier in the morning when possible. Lastly, he does not ask for a response, explaining that he knows that the person is busy.

This strategy works for people applying to jobs as well—like Barbara Anderson, who explains in a cover letter how her qualifications can help the company rather than stating what she wants out of a job offer. Carnegie writes that thousands of salespeople are hustling for deals, but people don’t usually want to buy things—if they did, they would simply go out and buy them. Instead, salespeople should show customers how they can solve the customers’ problems, because that will convince them to buy things.

Carnegie’s student J. Howard Lucas tells the story of how two salespeople, Carl and John, handled the same situation. Carl dropped by Lucas’s insurance agency and casually mentioned that his company introduced a new life insurance policy for executives, and he thought they might be interested. He said, however, that he would get back to them when he had more information. That same day, John happened upon Lucas and his colleagues outside on a break, and he excitedly told them about the life insurance policy. He said that he wanted them to the first people to get it, and that he would have someone come out and explain it the next day but that in the meantime they could get the applications signed. His enthusiasm made them want the policy, and Carl didn’t make the same effort.

The world is full of people who are self-serving, and so the rare unselfish individual has an advantage. The most important point in the book is to think in terms of other people’s point of view so that you can talk in terms of what other people want. For example, one father was trying to get his son to eat properly because he was underweight. The boy was often bullied, and his father told him that the boy would be able to defend himself if he ate better because the food would make him stronger—and he subsequently ate anything his parents gave him. 

The same young boy wet the bed constantly, and no amount of spanking or scolding would prevent him from doing so. And so, his parents found out what he wanted: a bed of his own. At the store, his mother told the salesgirl that her son wanted to buy his own bed, and the salesgirl made him feel important by asking his opinions and helping him decide what to buy. At home, he vowed not to wet the bed—and he didn’t, because it was his bed and he wanted to treat it well.

Another little girl wouldn’t eat breakfast, but she loved to imitate her mother, so her parents let her make her own breakfast cereal. As a result, she ate two helpings without any coaxing, because she felt important and found an avenue in self-expression by doing it. The same principles can be found in business—it’s important to make the person want to do something for themselves, otherwise they won’t do it.