How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 2, Chapter 6 Summary & Analysis

When Carnegie waited in line at the post office one day, he could tell that the clerk was bored with the job. Carnegie said to himself that he wanted to make the clerk like him, wondering what he could honestly admire about the man. When he approaches the window, he complimented the clerk on his head of hair, and the clerk immediately beamed. Others might ask what Carnegie wanted to get out of the man, but Carnegie dismisses the question as selfish. He was just trying to “radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation,” explaining that if selflessness seems impossible to people, they will be met with failure.

There is one important law of human conduct that will bring countless friends and happiness: always make the other person feel important. Philosophers have speculated on the rules of human relationships for thousands of years, and most find one important rule, which Jesus summed up: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” We all want approval and recognition, so we should try to give those same gifts to others.

Polite phrases, like “Would you mind?” and “Thank you,” go a long way. They show respect and appreciation for the other person. For example, Hall Caine was a poor son of a blacksmith—but one day he wrote a letter to Dante Rossetti, whose poetry he loved, exalting him for artistic achievement. So, Rossetti invited him to come to London to work as his secretary, where he also met other writers. As a result, Caine launched a career that made him the richest novelist of his time. This is the power of sincere, heartfelt admiration.

Almost everyone you meet believes that they’re superior to you in some way, and the best way to their hearts is to recognize their importance sincerely. Often, people who have the least justification for achievement bolster their egos by shows of conceit.

One of Carnegie’s students, Mr. R., once visited his wife’s relatives and complimented his wife’s aunt on her beautiful home. The aunt gave him a tour and showed him the beautiful treasures she picked up over a lifetime. She then led him outside, where there was a Packard car in mint condition that her late husband bought shortly before he died. She told Mr. R. that because he appreciated nice things, she wanted to give him the car. She was starving for appreciation, and she expressed her gratitude by appreciating Mr. R. in return.

In another case, Donald McMahon was landscaping a famous attorney’s estate, and he admired the man’s dogs. The man had prizewinning purebred dogs, and he spent an hour showing McMahon his kennel. At the end of their time together, he gave McMahon a puppy worth several hundred dollars because McMahon expressed honest admiration for his hobby.

Even men of tremendous accomplishment need small recognitions. Once, George Eastman of Eastman Kodak was building a school of music. The president of a theater seating company, Mr. Adamson, wanted to supply the theater chairs for the buildings. When Adamson arrived in Eastman’s office to make his pitch, he complimented the man on the beauty of his office and admired the different types of wood it was made from. Giving a tour of the office, Eastman then pointed out some of his most treasured possessions and told stories from his childhood. Two hours passed and they were still talking, and Eastman invited Adamson to his home for lunch. Afterwards, Adamson easily made the $90,000 sale, and they remained friends for years.

Claude Marais, a restaurant owner in Rouen, also used this principle to keep a key employee in his restaurant. When the employee wanted to resign, Marais told her how much she meant to him and the success of the restaurant in front of the entire staff. She withdrew her resignation, and he frequently reinforced his appreciation for what she did afterward. It’s key, Carnegie says, to make others feel important and to do it sincerely.