How to Win Friends and Influence People’s subject matter is evident in its title: the book’s goal is to help readers understand human relations, persuade others to their point of view, and learn how to change people’s behavior in both professional and personal settings. One of Carnegie’s foundational premises in the book is that people are generally self-serving and self-important. At the same time, people who act selflessly are more likely to succeed and get what they want, particularly because people like this are so rare. People tend to look favorably on those who can empathize with and prioritize others’ needs rather than focusing on themselves. In this way, the book argues that for people to persuade or influence others, they need to help and respect others as much as they help and respect themselves.
The book explains that because people are generally self-interested, selfless people tend to stand out among the rest. In an early chapter, Carnegie writes that “The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So, the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.” In this way, Carnegie suggests that unselfish people can positively differentiate themselves from others, because most people act in their own interests. Carnegie then gives an example of how a little effort to be selfless went a long way for him. For years, he made a point to subtly find out his friends’ birthdays. He would then make sure to send a telegram or letter to each one on the proper date. He describes, “What a hit it made! I was frequently the only person on earth who remembered.” In this way, being selfless and putting in extra effort with his friends distinguished him from other people.
Next, Carnegie illustrates how being selfless and prioritizing others are the easiest ways to “win friends,” per the book’s title. Carnegie argues that “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” This, he suggests, is why people love dogs so much—because they are so interested in humans and glad to see them. This returns to the idea that people are generally interested in themselves, and therefore, those who become interested in others rather than themselves (like dogs are) can win good will. Carnegie also illustrates how simply being a good listener helps make friends. He once listened to a botanist speak all night about himself at a party, and by the end of the evening, the man thanked Carnegie for being a “most interesting conversationalist,” despite the fact that Carnegie had said very little. Because Carnegie was selfless rather than self-interested in the conversation (i.e., he allowed the man to talk rather than focusing on himself), he instantly won the man’s favor. In a similar vein, Carnegie discusses how talking in terms of other people’s interests can win people over. He points to Teddy Roosevelt, who would study guests’ interests the night before they arrived at the White House so that he could talk about what interested that person. Carnegie attributes Teddy Roosevelt’s strong leadership and charisma in part to this ability, suggesting that “all leaders know […] that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”
Those who are selfless and empathetic not only win friends, but they can also convince others to do what they want because they are acting in others’ interests as much as their own. Talking in terms of what other people want, rather than focusing on oneself, is the best way to convince others to do something. For example, Carnegie describes a father who was trying to get his young son to eat more, but scolding the boy never convinced him to do what the father wanted. So, the father then pointed out that his son could defend himself from a bully if he ate foods that helped him grow strong—and from then on, the boy ate whatever his father asked him to. In this sense, thinking about what the son wanted (rather than focusing on what the father wanted) got the son to do what the father wanted anyway.
Seeing things from others’ point of view can also help in business. One man, Edward Harriman, was trying to get hired by a business maverick named Mr. Funkhouser. But rather than asking the man for a job in an interview, he spent the entire time talking about how he could make money for Funkhouser. Hearing Edward’s ideas, Funkhouser immediately hired the man. By prioritizing and thinking in terms of what Mr. Funkhouser wanted, Edward was able to succeed and get what he wanted as well. Carnegie also emphasizes that it’s important to make people happy to do what one wants them to do. For example, Gunter Schmidt had an employee in his food store who had difficulty putting the proper price tags on shelves. Eventually, he appointed her Supervisor of Price Tag Posting for the store, and she then completed the job enthusiastically and well. By prioritizing her desire for recognition and importance, Schmidt was ultimately able to get what he wanted, as well. Through these examples, Carnegie illustrates how considering other people’s points of view and acting in their interest rather than your own will set you apart from others—and, more often than not, this will end up benefitting you as well.
Related Themes from Other Texts
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness ThemeTracker
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness Quotes in How to Win Friends and Influence People
Some readers are saying right now as they read these lines: “Oh, phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I’ve tried that stuff. It doesn’t work—not with intelligent people.”
Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.
Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
If that was true of Emerson, isn’t it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.
I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: “Wouldn’t you like to have that?”
Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?
Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn’t want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn’t want to marry you.
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And “those people who think only of themselves,” Dr. Nicholas Murray Butler, longtime president of Columbia University, said, “are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated,” said Dr. Butler, “no matter how instructed they may be.”
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
I entered his huge and impressive office determined not to ask directly for a job. He was seated behind a large carved desk and thundered at me, “How about it, young man?” I said, “Mr. Funkhouser, I believe I can make money for you.” He immediately rose and invited me to sit in one of the large upholstered chairs. I enumerated my ideas and the qualifications I had to realize these ideas, as well as how they would contribute to his personal success and that of his businesses.
“R.J.,” as he became known to me, hired me at once and for over twenty years I have grown in his enterprises and we both have prospered.
I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards: "What did you want to get out of him?"
What was I trying to get out of him!!! What was I trying to get out of him!!!
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return—if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.
The manager had to agree that an eight-hour shutdown was more desirable than several days’. By sympathizing with the manager’s desire to keep his patrons happy, Mr. Mangum was able to win the hotel manager to his way of thinking easily and without rancor.
