Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in How to Win Friends and Influence People, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness
Importance and Humility
Positivity vs. Negativity
Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery
Summary
Analysis
The best phrase to stop arguments and create good will is “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” An answer like this will help soften anyone you’re talking to. Most people are thirsting for sympathy and will love you for giving it.
As in the previous chapter, Carnegie recognizes the importance of being sympathetic—whether in an argument or outside of it—because centering others will help win them over.
Themes
Carnegie once gave a broadcast discussing Louisa May Alcott, and he incorrectly stated that she wrote Little Women in Concord, New Hampshire rather than Concord, Massachusetts. He was bombarded with indignant letters and telegrams, one from a woman who was particularly wrathful. He started to write a scathing letter back, but then he decided to turn her hostility to friendliness.
Carnegie illustrates in this story that even when you’re met with negativity, it’s still your responsibility to be humble and change that negativity into positivity. It’s important to empathize with the other person to make them feel seen and heard rather than centering your own feelings.
Themes
Carnegie called the woman on the telephone and immediately apologized, thanking her for taking the time to write. She apologized in return for losing her temper in the letter and stated that she was born in Concord and was very proud of her state—this is why she was distressed at the error. At the end of the call, she thanked Carnegie for being so kind and accepting her criticism.
As Carnegie suggested earlier, he immediately recognizes and admits to his mistakes. Because of this humility and positivity, the woman on the phone felt that she could approach the conversation with the same spirit, and they were each able to move on from the conflict.
Themes
President Taft appreciated the value of sympathy: one woman whose husband had political influence asked him to give her son a job. He appointed someone else, and she sent him a harsh letter, asking if this was how he thanked her for getting him the votes for a bill he wanted. While his impulse was to be severe for her impropriety, he waited two days and instead said that he understood a mother’s disappointment, but that the appointment was not simply due to personal preference. She sent a note back saying that she was sorry for what she wrote. When Taft later put on a musical at the White House, the woman and her husband were the first to arrive and to greet him.
Again, because Taft was able to appreciate a mother’s concern for her son, and because he responded positively rather than immediately getting severe with her, he was able to maintain his friendship with her and presumably retain her political support. Without these two key strategies, it’s likely that their relationship would have suffered greatly, and Taft would have lost a key supporter.
Themes
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Jay Mangum represented an escalator company and had to schedule a repair in a leading hotel. The manager did not want to shut down the escalator for more than two hours because he did not want to inconvenience the guests—but the repair would take at least eight hours. Mangum sympathized and explained that he wanted to accommodate the hotel, but if they didn’t do a complete job, the escalator could suffer more serious damage which would cause a longer shutdown. The manager then understood and agreed to Mangum’s demands without any rancor.
In this case, Mangum understood and empathized with the hotel manager’s desire to make sure his guests could use the escalator. But he also understood that not taking the time would only worsen the issue. Additionally, by understanding the manager’s problems and prioritizing his needs accordingly, Magnum was able to get the outcome that he wanted as well, showing again that those who act selflessly often achieve better outcomes for themselves than those who don’t.
Themes
Sympathy worked for a piano teacher trying to get her student to trim her nails, and it worked for an opera producer when convincing his star that he could go on despite a sore throat. As psychologist Arthur Gates says, people universally crave sympathy—like a child displaying a cut or bruise to be comforted. Adults relay their problems for the same reason, so the best way to win people over is to sympathize with their ideas or desires.
Carnegie concludes by showing how sympathy works in a variety of scenarios—but in each case, it helps those who are sympathetic and selfless win people over and influence others’ behavior in the ways they want.
Themes
