How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 3, Chapter 2 Summary & Analysis

Telling other people that they are wrong only makes them want to strike back—it is difficult to truly change people’s minds. If you’re going to tell someone that they’re wrong, begin by admitting you may be wrong, and then direct the other person to examine the facts. No one will ever object to this opening.

This tactic helps particularly in customer service, where customers tempers are often flared. Harold Reinke, Carnegie’s student, explains that he would approach people by saying that admitting that he might be wrong, which caused customers to thank him for being understanding.

Bluntly saying that people are wrong rarely works out. Mr. S., a young New York attorney, once corrected a judge about a statute of limitations law in the courtroom. While he was right, this did not make the judge more friendly to him, and he recognized that he made a blunder. We change our minds all the time, but when someone tells us we are wrong, we resent this implication and dig in our heels, finding arguments to maintain our current beliefs.

In a personal example, Carnegie once hired an interior decorator to make drapes, and he was dismayed at how expensive they were. When he told a friend about their price, she said that the decorator took advantage of Carnegie, and he immediately tried to defend himself and his judgment. The next day, another friend admired the drapes and wished she could afford such wonderful creations for her home—and he admitted that he paid too much. When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves, but not when someone is trying to criticize us in the process.

Horace Greeley, a famous editor, disagreed with Lincoln’s policies and believed he could debate Lincoln into agreeing with him through abusive ridicule and argument. But this didn’t make Lincoln budge one inch. Ben Franklin, by contrast, never disagreed with others even when they personally attacked him. Instead, he observed that in certain cases the person was right, but in this particular case there were differences. This brought him much greater advantage, as he was able to win others to his point of view more easily.

Carnegie illustrates how this works in business. His student, Katherine Allred, was an industrial engineering supervisor in a yarn-processing plant. Part of her job included setting up incentive systems and standards for operators so they could produce more yarn. She held a meeting to tell the management how to completely reform their system, showing how the current system was unfair and wrong. She realized after taking Carnegie’s course where she made her mistakes, and she later called another meeting and helped them develop the system themselves rather than simply saying they were wrong.

In another case, R.V. Crowley was a salesman for a lumber company in New York. He argued with lumber inspectors for years, until he decided to change tactics. When a situation came up where a company refused to take a shipment of wood, believing it to be below grade, he normally would have argued with the man. Instead, he asked the inspector to continue unloading the wood, sorting them into good and bad piles. In doing so, the man realized that his inspection was much too strict. When Crowley simply asked questions in a friendly and cooperative manner, the inspector realized his mistakes and admitted he wasn’t as experienced with the kind of wood they were unloading. As a result, they accepted the wood and paid in full.

Martin Luther King, Jr. was asked how, as a pacifist, he could admire Air Force General Daniel James, the nation’s highest ranking Black officer. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles—not by my own.” His point is to agree with your enemy, to show respect for their opinions, and have a little diplomacy.